TTC after pregnancy loss 32 - the penguin huddle

[ReeReeR]

New thread 🐧🐧🐧

I have accidentally created a thread 33 as well but will delete that!

@ceebee21 I'm currently having my first AF post mc, I used both clearblues and one steps and had lots of flashing smilies but no positive this month. We weren't trying as I'm waiting for some fertility tests but still found it pretty disheartening. It might be that you're not ovulating this cycle, but it could also be that it's just going to be a bit longer than you expect. This time round it took 38 days for my AF to arrive whilst after my first miscarriage it took 50. As @ReeRi suggests I would maybe switch to the cheap ones - I'm a big fan of the 'easy@home' ones from amazon used in combination with the premom app - I love a good graph!

@turquoisebaby my bleeding was all over the place after my first miscarriage though I did conceive again two months later. I'd suggest speaking to your GP about the fact you've started bleeding again so soon, I imagine it's just your body taking a while to fully recover but it's always worth getting some proper advice.

I thought I was doing well but am feeling pretty low at the moment. We're staying with DHs cousin and her wife this weekend and have had a baby announcement. It wasn't at all unexpected because we knew they'd been going through the IVF process and we are absolutely over the moon for them, but it's knocked me more than I expected. I feel sad thinking that if my most recent pregnancy had worked out they would have been born only weeks apart, and I feel sad seeing their joy at reaching 10 weeks so far with a beautiful bean growing healthy and strong when I've never made it past 8 weeks. I'm really struggling to picture a future with a baby in it, all I can imagine at the moment are more miscarriages and more heartbreak. I feel pretty worthless in a world where everyone I know has at least one child, and where social media is just a constant stream of babies, children and bumps. I know I need to put my positive pants on but at this second I'm struggling to drag myself out of bed and face the world with a fake smile....

💜 @Avocuddles I can relate to the feelings of worthlessness. I'm sorry you've had a difficult weekend with the baby announcement. People might disagree, but I don't think we should feel like we have to be positive and hopeful all the time. You don't need to put your positive pants on if you don't want to, sometimes I think faking it can help for a short while (I'm definitely faking it at work) but it's exhausting. You're grieving and hiding it is only affecting you. I'm making sure I'm taking lots of time out, so I'm not as overwhelmed with life. It's not weak to acknowledge that we are finding things difficult. Do what you need to do. Not what you think makes things easier for others x

Great news @Russkispy 🤞

Hope everyone is OK. X

@Avocuddles just saw your message and wanted to send you a big virtual hug and a note.

Please don't feel other people's announcements dampen your spirit, it is of course hard, and of course, allow yourself to be sad. The constant stream of announcements on social media most certainly do not depict normal life, the struggle that preceded these happy times is never broadcasted. Social media gives us such a skewed view of real life, just adding more pressure on what already is a challenging time. I know you know this too, but just remind yourself of that.

And know that one day, when we all have our happy announcement to share, there will be women in our lives probably quietly struggling as we are today, and sadly, that is reality.

Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, and then move your focus and attention on to something small to make you feel happy and warm, direct your thoughts to visualise a happy outcome.

Thinking of you!

Thanks for your hugs @VenusStarr and @LASandOtto. Everything you say is true, I'm just one of those people who is great sharing advice and motivating others but rubbish at looking after themselves! Went to visit DHs brother and his family this afternoon and whilst I was there I noticed (though of course didn't mention) a booking appointment on their calendar along with CB boxes in the bathroom. They didn't mention anything at all but sister in law asked me how I was getting on and then asked if we had thought about fostering or adoption!!!!! I kept it together but sobbed and sobbed the whole way home. At least when the inevitable announcement of their second DC happens within the next weeks I will be prepared for it, but if I felt low before I feel even worse now - I hope this week holds something positive or happy as this weekend has been a tough one....

@Avocuddles that is a blow on a day where you're feeling low already!

Sending the biggest squeeze possible! Get some comfies on, chill on the sofa, get a hot drink and watch a funny film!

There'll be down and up days. Today is a down day and that's so ok! More than understandable!

Sometimes people are so insensitive with their comments when meaning well and you just want to will them to shut up! Ignore those comments on adoption and fostering.

Sending lots of love xxx

Thanks @LASandOtto I will definitely follow that advice! I feel bad getting upset about the adoption comments as adoption is obviously an amazing thing and not something I would rule out considering in the future, however at the moment those comments make feel as if others have written off the idea of us ever having a child of our own conception. Time to run a hot bath and watch some trashy tv I think. Tomorrow is a new day....

Oh god yes and that's how I see it too, adoption is a wonderful thing, however it is very different to trying for a baby and so I don't think the two have to go hand in hand anyway, not necessarily!

Just a really insensitive comment on their end to have made, but then, some people are just oblivious to the challenges others face!

I know what you mean about giving others sound advice but finding it hard to embody it for yourself. That's human nature, we are more able to rationalise other people's emotions than our own, and give better advice as it doesn't involve our own self!

These moments difficult as they may be are part of our journey. It's always simple to look at those who've got what we haven't and feel stung, but equally there's a lot of people around us who have a lot less than we do. I know that's not going to wipe away our issues and make them any less valid, but we can probably reflect and know that we have a lot in our lives - homes, jobs, other half's who are going through these tough moments with us, family, etc.

All will be well! Trust the journey! X

@Avocuddles You can't imagine how much I relate to everything that you wrote. It just sucks, doesn't it.

I find those announcements are extremely triggering for me, they unsettle me and I temporarily lose my inner peace. It annoys me so much because of all the hard work I've put into being where I am already.

I honestly, hand on heart, can only say, let it all out. Allow yourself to feel the way you do. It's shit, but it will pass. Sometimes it takes hours, sometimes days or weeks, but you will feel better and genuinely believe in what you're saying when you discuss someone else's pregnancy rationally. I think in time, we distance ourselves to those triggers, and it's a good thing. Nothing I'll say now will make you bounce back immediately, and I don't think it would be normal or natural to do so after what you've been through. Tomorrow is a new day, and I hope these heavy emotions feel lighter to you. Lots of love to you, you're not alone in how you're feeling right now xxx

@ReeRi I want to test tomorrow, talk me out of it, I’m only 7dpo! I’ve never been able to wait til AF is due, but 7dpo is way too early to start testing, isn’t it? How many dpo are you now?

@Avocuddles sounds like you’ve had a really tough time, a double whammy. I hope that you can be gentle with yourselves, allow yourself to be sad because that’s okay, and treat yourself to something nice. In regards to my earlier post, I know you are right and I shouldn’t up my dose. It’s just frustrating thinking that the two miscarriages I’ve had had been on the lower dose, but I have to remember that they could have been caused by a number of things.

As mentioned above, I’m starting to get tempted to test! Made worse by the fact that I have a box of 15 internet cheapies in my drawer, 10miu

Hi ladies I'm still reading and watching. I'm currently cd7 so nothing to report.

Welcome and sorry to the new ladies. Hope this thread brings you support.

I'm feeling a bit lost if I'm honest. Most of the ladies that were here when I joined 18 - 24 months ago have moved on (graduation thread) and I'm feeling very much a failure now. We've booked to go away but it's just the other side of ovulation. But we might miss ovulation this cycle because of DH's work. Feeling really low. I hope the break will sort my head out abit.

@Avocuddles Re their further comment in respect of adoption etc., I think it's an extremely insensitive and inconsiderate comment from someone in their position.

I think people sometimes are naturally inclined to try and find a solution, so they dish out advice like this, even if they're clueless. They mean well, but it isn't the right thing to do.

Other people say it because they can't cope with the fact that you have a problem and they want it to go away, ASAP, so they'll say anything to make it happen. These are usually the stiff upper lip people. I avoid them generally and particularly now, cause I often find them cold and my time spent around them is wasted, as they only upset me. I nearly want to tell them to get off their high horse and get real, get some empathy and adequate communication skills, just get over yourselves for a moment. But then I think, actually I have enough to deal with, and I don't care what they think.

Finally, some people may have considered adoption etc. themselves, and they do mean well, but maybe it comes out wrong.

One thing for sure, no one says that because they think you're inadequate or because they believe a biological child will never happen for you. Trust me, people are way too self-indulgent to go as far as this in their thinking about your fertility. Xxx

@LASandOtto @MrsMGE @TwinkleStars15 thank you so much for your kindness and empathy. You are definitely right about some people always trying to find a 'fix' for everything - sister in law is definitely that person.... I'm assuming that a pregnancy announcement is only a few weeks away, I'll do my best to act surprised when it comes and just grit my teeth in preparation for the inevitable 'your time will come' comment. The day she found out (via mother in law) that we'd experienced a second loss she sent me a picture of a Lego family complete with baby that she said had reminded her of DH and I and that she'd taken as a'sign' that one day we would have a baby. Well meaning perhaps, but helpful.....?!!?
I know her heart is in the right place and they do want the best for us but that one made me laugh!

When you are having a bad day I promise I'll be here to hug you right back. It means so much to have people to talk to, i was saying to DH this evening that one of the hardest things at the moment is that although I have a good close group of friends, every single one of them is a mother, only one has experienced loss, and I don't believe any has experienced fertility problems, so it's hard to talk about feelings without worrying that they'll find it uncomfortable or awkward. It's great that this group exists so we can share exactly how we feel without judgement.

@TwinkleStars15 try to step away from those tests for another day or two if you can! I had my most recent BFP at 9DPO but I kind of wish I'd waited a few days more as that first week went SO slowly.....

@Mumlili8 sorry you're feeling down, I do hope the timing works out for you this month. CD3 for me but we're not going to be able to TTC this cycle due to waiting for my HyCoSy appointment. I really hope it's done by the next cycle, think I'll give it a few days to see if the letter comes through the post and if not give the clinic a call.
Another example of when time passes at a snails pace!

@Mumlili8 I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Don't ever call yourself a failure. You're not a failure for not being pregnant at this time. No one on this thread is a failure or should think less of themselves for what has happening, is happening and will happen.

We are all warriors! We're getting through a really shit time, more or less on our own (of course with support around us but much of the battle is in ourselves) and we will come out on the other end and we will be fine. It will be ok and we will handle it.

We are all bruised at the moment and have journeys ahead, each one of us will continue our story and have each other on here for support.

@Avocuddles, you raise above the comments made today. As @MrsMGE said some people just don't think past their own fertility, let alone have the empathy to try and relate to how you must feel. Empathy is emotional intelligence many people sadly lack!

Xx

@ceebee21 I got my Clearblue connect on amazon and they were cheaper but they are expensive. Good luck 🤞

@Avocuddles I’m sorry you’re feeling low. I’ve struggled with the pregnancy announcements the past couple of weeks as you may know. But today I had a family party and second cousin was there with her baby who is a few months older than our daughter would be now and we couldn’t keep our hands off her. She was lovely. I am ok with babies born before or around the same time as our baby but find it harder with babies coming after her as it feels wrong that babies keep being born and she’s not here.

I agree with @VenusStarr that you absolutely do not have to be positive all the time. We all support one another and giving advice to others doesn’t mean you have to be perfect.

@TwinkleStars15 I am 3 DPO so have a bit longer to go but 7 DPO is early. Too early for a FRER? Do you think you could decide in a date to test and then hold off?

Hello ladies.
I would like to join ur group for bit off support. I've just went through a D&C on friday for missed miscarriage. The procedure went fine itself. I've little bleeding and apart from headaches and few cramps I'm doing ok. Even though I accepted that my baby grew its wings and having gone through the d&c now I feel numb.

I wasnt giving much information before I went home. So I can I ask how long did u leave it before TTC.. for me I'm thinking leaving it till i get a cycle and see how I feel.. I'm hoping I will be ready but we will see x

@Avocuddles The Lego story cracked me up 😂 You gotta laugh, despite the far from ideal scenario! I haven't had a funny one like this, the closest one was my friend advising me to use a magic lube from Amazon next time 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

@LASandOtto Wise words, I read your posts with interest & very much share your point of view. Xxx

Tested and bfn, obviously, as I’m only 7/8dpo! I’m going to try and hold off a couple of days until the next one!

Morning, is it okay to join this group? I've read quite a few of your comments and you all seem to be supportive.
I'm 30 and between the space of 9 months I have conceived twice. First loss at 6 weeks and second at 10. I was told no investigations would take place unless I miscarry a 3rd time. I. Pretty down about it and dont have much confidence in having a baby. I decided to go private for some investigations a d it's been found that I have lupus anticoagulant. I have been told that from the moment I get a positive test I will be on heparin and aspirin. Apparently the success rate is about 80% so this is a comfort but I. So scared that it will be a long time before I catch again or that i will still go on to have another miscarriage. A friend told me its nit the end of the world to not be a parent which really hurt especially since she has a child I feel less of a woman. 2019 hasn't been the best for me. We have started trying again. I'm on my second cycle but since this mc have stopped getting sore boobs after ovulation which worries me. Using opks so that's a comfort I guess xx

@Claire78564 welcome to the thread! Yes everyone is very supportive and kind on this thread and I also only joined recently.

I'm sorry for your two losses this year, I also had two, one at 8/9 weeks and one at 11 weeks just last week.

I'm also in the same boat with no tests offered. If I may ask, where did you go for private tests? I'm looking into this right now and found a place in London where I live but would be great to hear your experiences.

The TTC journey is difficult but don't give up hope of being a parent! Yes people do make a lot of insensitive remarks, mostly of course they mean well, but some people are just stupid and say ridiculous stuff.

Two of my closest friends are both pregnant, one 13 weeks now and one just announced to me today she's 6 weeks after trying for years.

Just keep up hope and sometimes it takes a while to catch again, just focus on a few positive things to make you smile every day! X

@LASandOtto thanks for the welcome and sorry for your losses too. I'm trying to stay positive and take comfort I. The fact that we have caught twice in short period of time. With regards to the private stuff we just googled private doctors miscarriage. I'm up in manchester so we picked manchester fertility. They deal primarily with people struggling to get pregnant but have some doctors who specialise in miscarriage. She told us that they do follow protocol for three miscarriages but would do bloods on me to see if theres anything outstanding. Just so happens I have this clotting thing. She said it's good to know because its treatable. We were made to feel welcome and taken seriously. They kept talking about when we have get pregnant again rather than if so it was comforting. Good luck to your friends and congratulations to them. Hopefully we will all have some good news soon x

Hi ladies, I'd love to join your thread. I had a D&C following MMC 13 days ago. Lucky to have 3 wonderful children 18, 12 and 11 but really hoping for a 4th with my new partner. As I'm 43 we're really TTC as soon as we can and as I've had a BFN since D&C have been BD last few days. I have been getting some lower back pain so been worried about a potential infection but no smelly discharge, blood or fever and no pain during sex which I think is a good sign. Been to the gp and done a swab to be sure but haven't had the results yet. I really don't want to take metronidazole and doxycycline if there is a chance I could be pregnant as I've read it can increase risk of miscarriage. Obviously I will if infection is confirmed! Hopeful the pain could be from overdoing it at the gym last week.

Has anyone else had an infection after D&C and what signs should I be looking for?

@Claire78564 you must have been glad they discovered that there was an issue with clotting so that it can be addressed. Thanks for sharing your info on how you went about to get tests! I'll be trying the same!

Definitely hope that we will have our own good news to share sometime soon! 

Trying to stay positive and keeping negative thoughts at bay as much as possible. Having to go through this is very tough but we have each other on here.

Are you actively TTC at the moment?

@Mystie welcome to the thread and sorry to hear of your loss!! I had an ERPC as well but thankfully no infection after. It sounds like you don't have one either, lower back pain could be unrelated, but I know how you feel as you're probably more sensitive to any pain than usually. Good you've done the swab at the GP as that'll tell the outcome and hope it shows all is fine. Let me know?

In other news I did a pregnancy test today to see if levels have come down and it was a BFN. Somehow very sad and somehow also relieved it's over!

Don't know if to wait to TTC again until I've paid for some private tests or just keep trying? Thoughts? X

@LASandOtto thanks for your reply. Fingers crossed it's not an infection, I'll keep you posted on the results! Pain seems to have eased off which is another good sign 🤞🏼

@LASandOtto yeah I guess I can now do something to prevent it from causing an issue. We are still actively trying and have bee. Told to carry on. If I were you and you want to try then carry on. The private doctors told us to carry on as the majority of times what ever they find will on need interference at the point of a positive pregnancy test. I'm sure it will work out for you and seeing a negative test is distressing but you will see a positive one again. I thi I we are lucky to conceive as I know women who cant at all cc

@Claire78564 thank you! Well, we might be TTC at the same time soon then 

We'll have to keep each other updated!

@Mystie sounds like all is ok 🤞🏻let's see what the GP tells you?