The Hut of Gl/Doom Part V- for the unapologetically despondent

[duchesse]

The new hut. Ta-da!

This one is a snug little basement World War 2 type nightclub, with dim lighting, snug velvet sofas, red walls and certainly no politically correct smoking bans. Occasionally certain selected men may be admitted at our convenience.

Sit down, make yourselves at home, and never, ever apologise for feeling like shit. That's about it.

ikwym, i hate the person that ftc has made me. i cant get excited about bfps anymore, mine or someone elses, i cant have sex without obsessing about whether or not we have concieved and whether that potenitial bean will stick. but even worse than that whenever someone i know announces that they are pg and it was an "accident" i half hope that something will go wrong, just so they feel a fraction of what i've been thru. does that make me evil? its the first time ive admitted it

Hi Lissie no not evil just normal - I too am fed up of being happy for everyone who announces they are PG, especially when they say "it just happened" and shrug it off like a bit of dust on their shoulder...if I ever got PG I would tell everyone that we have tried for over 10 yrs and defied medical science and proud of it!! ....there I go hoping again - how sad is that...

I was in Boots the other day and a woman was really shouting at her little kiddy (aged around 2) and it was doing nothing. I just stood there and stared at her! I was dying to say - Look either shut up or give the kid to me! dont you realise what a precious gift you have there....but oh no....then it made me think - would we be like that, if we did get BFP and carried it to full term, would we quickly forget the pain we had TTC and be like all the others?????

Think I need an early drink!

LNO, not sad to hope, just human. im v lucky to have ds but i was totally paranoid thoughout my pg and im probably too soft on him now. i feel guilty for wanting another so badly and not being able to give him a sibling. i feel guilty for not being there for him thru my mc's and the ep, but mainly feel guilty for failing my family so badly.

Hello All, is it just me or are we all sad and fed up at the moment? Is it lack of Vit D (the sunlight one)? It's like Autumn here. I am so sorry, LNO, that the IVF was such a big disappointment. It could still happen. I watched 'Children of Men' with Clive Owen recently, now that'll make you cry. I bawled.

Just dropping in some homemade chocolate muffins and more supplies of pink gin. Thought I'd better treat you and the caravan the same (though you get the booze too as you need it)
LNO - and I know exactly how you feel re people who are horrid to their kids for doing nothing wrong.
I'm not feeling too low at the moment, so am going now.

Sorry guys, am nearly back from jolly hols, but had no time before I went to pop in ad say g'bye as was shuffling children, mostly other people's, anxiously awaiting the arrival of a car (that never came, so we had to go with the old one) and packing. Am still i France but now at my mother's, so may pop in and out of here before Sunday. Back in UK on Sunday though. Hope your summers are all going OK.

quiet in here!

Hi, Lissie and everyone,
Sorry to show my ugly mug back in here after signing off for a bit. I'd be lying if I said I haven't checked in from time to time, I'm always on the look out for good news, even though it's the Hut.

Unfortunately the Hut is the only place to go right now. The good news is that I got a bfp a week ago, closely followed by the bad news of copious bleeding (and I mean full on horror show to the extent I was confined to the bathroom for some hours) starting yesterday afternoon. As anyone who remembers me will know, dh and I have been trying for a second child for about 15 months now and so we're very sad to lose this one. Given the quantity of bleeding I hold out no real hope for this pregnancy but there was no pain and after 12 hours, the bleeding has now stopped. I'm off to the GP for a blood test on Friday. Is it safe to assume it's all over and I can drink my way through the next few days, or should I still exercise caution. Dh is away for a week so I'm a bit on my own with this one?

Eclipse - probably not what you want to hear, but I was still testing +ve 2 months after mc last autumn. 2 months blind panic that mp returning - so blood test might not be as conclusive as you might hope. Fingers crossed for more positive outcome though.

oh shit eclipse, im so sorry. if you still test positive i would hold off the booze until you have had a scan. wish there was something else i could say, but i'm thinking of you x

Oh Eclipse, that's rotten news. I hope you get a definate answer whichever way it goes. I can't advise on alcohol, although I'm sure a couple of glasses to dull the immediate torment wouldn't hurt. Take care of yourself x

Thanks, all. It's still good to be back, for whatever reason. I think the blood test is to track the hcg to check it's going down. It's horrid to think this could drag on and on, but it's better to be fore-warned. Since the bleeding has stopped completely I'm now not sure what's going on. It was so dramatic and then nothing and still no pain. I assume it'll all start up again in due course. Lissie and Impatience, I think I'll go for the middle road and have a modest beer tonight (never been one for modesty, it'll be a struggle) and wait and see what tomorrow brings.
I'm feeling pretty up-beat to be honest. Having spent the last year thinking there was something wrong and I couldn't get pregnant, I now know that's not the case. Nature does seem cruel though to make it such a tortuous and uncertain process.

Enjoy your beer (or two) Eclipse. I think you're right to take the positive meaning that you know you can get pregnant. I hope you can get trying again soon.

Dear Eclipse so sorry to hear your news. ((hugs)) Wise words as always from Impy
take care
LNO
x

well, dear all..Ive been so restless since last failed attempt and have decided to clean up my life and chuck all baby gear out that ive collected over the years (unbeknown to DP who doesnt know such a stash exists). Been really good and given it to charity too - that way hoping to get a little bit of Karma back some time in the future... So now a huge pile of black bin bags sit on door step waiting to be collected. Knowing my luck they will leave the baby bag behind by mistake!

So for the moment I feel free of baby stuff - no doubt next week I will feel wretched about all of this.

So I am going for the FTC big time at the moment - Ive removed fertility books from home and put in garage out of way and stopped taking all vitamins (except folic acid just in case ) as a rebellious streak of what the hell. Was fed up popping pills anyway.

So thats me truely in the camp of a FTC.. Any other tips to get this TTC malarky out of our systems????

That's sad about you giving away your baby stuff, LNO. Dunno about how to make that feeling go away. I think you have to wait for it to pass of its own accord, unfortunately.

I truly think I am almost there, through no effort of my own. Have started to become more matter of factish about the periods, and have decided to stop trying at the 50th cycle ftc. Am on 48 or 49 (can't remember which) at the moment.

Just checked- it's 48.

LNO - know what you mean - I recently attempted to break all my ttc 'bad habits' - I wasn't training particularly hard at the gym, or trying to lose weight, or having my long hair cut short, or buying nice new clothes, or changing jobs etc etc just in case I got BFP. DH had a v.v. good bottle of whiskey he was keeping for 'wetting the baby's head' which I persuaded him to start drinking and I was taking so many different vitamins that were supposed to help with ttc and I got all superstious about these things and I felt I'd put my life on hold for this never appearing pg, so I broke all the above 'habits' (except I haven't got my hair cut yet and I still take folic acid) I also gave away a 'present' I had bought for the non-exisitent baby to a colleague who's DW has just had their first, and he was really pleased with it - I heard him tell/show quite a few people so that made me feel good about giving it away. I think that's karma. Still FTC though

I don't know whether to ditch the huge bags of outgrown clothes, most of the early toys etc. At the moment they are just piling up, just in case. Its very depressing.

Duchesse - ray of light? - ds arrived after 6 yrs of waiting, although strictly banned from trying for 16 months during that time.

I'd just like dh to be a little more proactive (or even active) so that there was more than 0% chance of anything happening - very unlikely even if he does cooperate, but missing out on trying as well

I also gradually starting living a non-TTC life again, months ago. I picked up my running training and am now training pretty hard. I started drinking whenever I wanted to. Even had a cheeky puff once in a while (but can't take it like I used to!). Dieted when I felt a bit lardy or just wanted to lean down. This all helped me be a lot more relaxed and I actually enjoyed myself a bit more, shock horror. So I still haven't conceived but at least I've had a bit more fun, look great and am really enjoying my running and getting some good race times.

It hasn't taken away the pain. I'm dreading all my friends having their second babies. Everyone we spend time with as families is expecting their second. I have been seriously considering how I not see them. I just don't want to sit about listening to them talking about breastfeeding, sleep, how boring baby x is smiling/rolling/crawling oh boring boring BORING just put me down now! See the bitterness? I'm not particularly emotionally healthy about all this, but I am at least getting on with my life and having a good time and enjoying what I do have, and I feel proud of myself for managing to do that (barf).

Duchesse, interesting to hear you've set yourself an actual time limit on TTC. How does it feel?

Imp- sensible really. The closer I get to 40 (which I will in January), the less the idea of being in my late 50s with a sullen teen in tow appeals.

Maybe this is something to do with my two oldest hitting teenage at the moment. It's not that bad yet, but it certainly makes me think about the logistics of juggling toddler tantrums and teenage tantrums simultaneously. It feels good actually- I feel as though I've been out of control of my own body for over five years (more if you count the 3 years I spent on Mirena) and it's time to take charge of it. I've gained 2 stone in that time, and am not really happy with my body any more, and I suddenly realised that spending more time on ME rather than on these 3 children, or more, was OK. Desirable even. So my plan is to get back to 58kg by next year was a more important plan than ftc and expending all that energy in fruitless hope.

It's all quite positive really, I suppose.

It does sound positive, Duchesse. It sounds like a nice new life!

it does sound sensible duchesse.

aaarrrggghhh!!!

It sounds like there's lots of positive decision-making going on around these parts. It certainly seems sensible to do as much normal stuff as possible while ttc/ftc. I was really resenting the time spent being careful about what I was drinking, not running too much and so larding up etc. and all for nothing.
dh and I have decided to give it one full year from now to have a successful pregnancy and then we stop for good (not the shagging bit, one of us will need to get done - bags not me...). If it doesn't happen by then, we move onto other things.
Impatience, glad the training's going well. I found a new running partner (actually I've never had one before, I usually love to run alone, but she's great) and we were going for mega cross country epic journeys. I'm looking forward to getting back to that in the next week or so. And now I've accepted this brief pregnancy is over, I'm seeing off the week with a lovely glass of cold sauv blanc. Cheers.