35+ TTC#1 Thread 6

[BambiOnIce80]

Spring is in the air and it's time for a new thread!

Basically: a wonderful bunch of ladies supporting each other through the TTC journey when trying for a first baby after 35.

Here's hoping we get some spring BFP luck for all of us!! 🍀🐣🍀🐣

I'm feeling excited for you about Saturday @Carley32 😊 Surely you don't need a gynae and a fertility referral? The fertility tests will pick up if anything is untoward gynae wise, so surely that'd get the ball rolling, if it's even necessary 🤔 And remember - if it does pick up a fertility issue (which it hopefully won't 🤞🏻) then you'd be eligible for treatment on the NHS regardless of how long you've been TTC (that's the NICE guidance, anywho 🤓). It does indeed feel like rejection in my head too 😔 We haven't had another frank chat about TTC stress since DP came off shifts (because I naively took it as a given that normal service would automatically be resumed 🙄), but it looks like that chat is going to have to happen. There's been plenty of frank chats about IVF and that game plan, but nothing about TTC in the meantime... looks like I'm in for an awesome evening of awkward conversation when I get home! 😏

Sorry you're cramping @CNizzle 😔 I'm feeling totally "crabbit" about the whole bloody TTC thing at the moment!

@Laney79, the peaks and troughs of this whole process are mental, aren't they?! Very exciting news at your end! 🤩 During our IVF game plan discussions last week I floated the idea past DP that if we go self-funded we should probably aim for IVF in July/August... He definitely went full-on bunny-in-headlights! 🐰 It's the financial stuff though, more than the IVF that made him go pale - makes me go pale too, to be fair! 😨

@Laney79 interesting appointment you had at the ivf clinic. I'm also considering it 🤔

Oh gowd @Carley32. I don't know which GP is worse, mine or yours. I checked my private health insurance and they don't cover menopause or fertility and they want to see the GP referral letter before they can send me to a gynae. However when I picked up the GP letter last night together with my test results (hooray 🥳) it had the words 'fertility' and 'menopause' in it. Now here are my choices and I need you guys to help me choose what to do:

1- Call the GP and ask for the letter to be amended - not sure if they will like/do it.
2- Amend the letter myself (naughty I know but it would be very subtle changes)
3- Tell the GP the private route didn't work and please refer me to the fertility clinic on the nhs. Not sure how long it will take
4- Book an appointment with the private fertility clinic for £200.

I must admit I am feeling rather desperate. I haven't had a period since January and it's very odd as I've always been regular. I have already lost 3 months of trying this year 😢 and i can't seem to find anyone who wants to help me. I'm sceptical about the ivf clinic as I can't help thinking they are money making machines with sales targets. I'd love to find a dr who can help me conceive naturally. Do they exist? I'm planning to have one child only and if I go for ivf and it's successful does it mean I will need to go back on the pill after that? After all no one have told us we can't conceive. It's a catch 22 but I'm losing my patience 😤🤯

Thanks for your messages of support. Just a quick message. Miscarriage confirmed today as complete. Dh has taken it really hard 💔😢 I'm actually OK as I felt it had gone. Bicornuate uterus also confirmed and they're still concerned about the fibroids. My left ovary is apparently waking up 🙄 but will see what the gyne consultant says tomorrow about when we can safely try again x

Sounds like you've got an overwhelming amount of information to hand and decisions to be made @QuantumGirl. More than happy to give you my two pence worth, but it is only my opinion - please feel free to ignore it! I have to put my hands up straight away (disclaimer! 🙌) that I'm pretty jaded about private health care anyway (very bad experience with a family member in the past) and reading up about the uNK cells stuff recently hasn't helped at all 😕 The private infertility industry is exactly that - an industry making large profits based on hope. Some of them (but not all of them) seem keen to maximise profits by advising unproven tests/treatments that couples desperate to conceive will snap their hands off for in a bid to increase their chances of success, even if there's no solid science/evidence behind it! I think my biggest wake up call was this debate paper that actually called itself "First do no harm" because it felt IVF docs needed the reminder!

academic.oup.com/humrep/article/30/7/1519/653309

Now the disclaimer is out of the way (😉), let's get down to it. On the gynae referral front, is that the most appropriate route if the doc has found your AMH to be low? I would have thought that'd be an immediate referral to the fertility clinic 🤔 The problem with the latter is that, regardless of where you are in the country, that's unlikely to be fast (for example, my first appointment took 4 months from referral to appointment date). Even if they say they'll refer you for IVF on the first appointment, there may well be a waiting list for treatment (it's apparently up at a year in my area at the moment, for another example). In a nutshell, if you're losing your patience then the NHS route probably won't be rapid. However, if you're distrustful of private clinics/don't want to pay private prices, have you looked at self-funding through the NHS? From what I've seen at my local NHS clinic the prices are cheaper than the private clinics and you'd be offered exactly the same as you would on the NHS, so no frivolous "add-ons" that aren't accredited by the HFEA. You also bypass the waiting times if you're self-funding.

Not sure if any of this has helped (apologies if it hasn't! 😳), but good luck with your decision making 🍀🍀🍀

@QuantumGirl well based on my experience yesterday I'd say if you can afford it pay to see a gynae/fertility dr privately. AND get the GP to refer you to fertility on the NHS if you are eligible.

The one I saw was suggested by my gp...he does his private work but crucially also works for the nhs funded fertility centre in our area (they do nhs and private funded ivf ICSI too). So basically as a result of paying to see him yesterday I've managed to bypass the first stage of the nhs referal and as time is very much against me that is really important. I didn't know that would happen as a result of the consult but it's a great benefit in my opinion.

It was quite clear he thought with my test results and my age (40 in July)and history of MC that IVF is the thing that will offer the best chance of a baby. That's despite catching twice in 14 months. He thinks my ovaries are starting to fail.

So if I was you I'd look at your local nhs fertility clinic, see if they offer private consults or do private work...if not then get the gynae consultants names that work there and see if they do private work via their own clinic or Nuffield. That's effectively what I did.

Ultimately though if you aren't having periods for that long they should just refer you to a gynae to see what's going on-because if it's sudden changes they should be investigate regardless if your plans for a family. Xxx

Thank you all x tested again today and it's definitely positive so fingers crossed now xx

Great news with your appointment @Laney79 i'm glad you are feeling positive and finally have the ball rolling.

*@Bambi*OnIce80 oh dear.... the awkward chat! We've had a few of these ourselves lately. I hate them, I always wonder which way it's going to go, will it turn in to arguments and more bad feeling or will we talk about how we will move forward and be patient and try this that and the other but never actually follow any of it through. I dread how hard it seems to be to stay calm and not scream at DP!

Rant over! lol. Good luck with your chat @Bambi.

I'm so sorry @VenusStarr. big hugs to you. xxxx

I know @QuantumnGirl, it's so hard to know what to do for the best. especially when you feel you can't trust either. Doctors are so snowed under that their answer to everything is time, and then private clinics are private so gain from actually finding something wrong. It's all such a head .

@Bambi how would you go about paying privately through the nhs?

@BambiOnIce80 and @Laney79 your advices are worth their weight in gold 🤩. I feel a complete idiot for not realising that self-funded was on nhs 🙈. I did a quick search and I believe that for Hertfordshire the options are either Cambridge or Guys and St Thomas hospital in London and on a parallel note Google also tells me that the waiting for the fertility clinic in my area is 19 weeks 😭.

@BambiOnIce80 I couldn't agree more with you and thank you so much for sharing that link with me. Your advice is always always very much appreciated 😊😉.

@VenusStarr sorry about your news but glad your drs are helping you. 💐 to you and your DH. This is temporary, there will be happier times ahead 💛

Oh @VenusStarr I'm so sorry xxxx

I knew I'd probably bottle it later @Carley32 when I get back from work knackered and wanting bath/dinner/netflix/bed, so I took the path of least resistance and slipped the topic into our WhatsApp chat when an opportune moment presented itself 😬 It seems to have worked in that he has acknowledged the sex strike is indeed over and it's not been fair that DTD has all been on his terms for the last couple of months... I guess we'll see later if any effort is made to rectify the situation 😏 On the self-funded NHS front, I scoped it out by finding my nearest NHS clinic on the HFEA website (link below), then going to the NHS clinic website and found the self-funded information there (screenshots attached to give you a rough idea of pricing at my NHS clinic):

www.hfea.gov.uk/choose-a-clinic/clinic-search/

And it really is hypervariable regarding if a private clinic will fling a load of add-on suggestions at you. Some don't, some certainly will. If you're in any doubt about if what a clinic is suggesting is scientifically proven/worth it, the HFEA has done all the heavy lifting for us and has a user friendly traffic light system to indicate if a test/treatment has sufficient evidence regarding its effectiveness:

www.hfea.gov.uk/treatments/explore-all-treatments/treatment-add-ons/

Sooo pleased I can help a little bit @QuantumGirl! 🤓 Never sure if I'm being more pushy/opinionated than helpful! 😳

@VenusStarr been thinking of you lots 💙 I know there is no glass-half-full to be found with what you're going through, but I hope them having found the bicornuate uterus means they can be proactive/help you moving forwards.xx

@QuantumGirl I'd check your ccg policy too, see what that says about when your gp can refer you and to where-I would never have known I was eligible for treatment if I hadn't asked my ccg direct as the policy was really badly worded for my area. Xxx

Just popping in to say I’m sorry @VenusStarr, and thinking of you and your husband.

Sorry to hear your news @Venusstarr, thinking of you and husband 💐 hopefully now you have the bicornate diagnosis, there may be something to be done which will help you next time 💗

As for me, the IVF people just phoned DH with the one test result that wasn’t ready in time for our appt yesterday: sperm dna fragmentation. The result on that was outside the “normal” range and could well be a factor in all this. DH is gutted and moping about saying he’s “defective” and it must absolutely suck for him but for me, it changes nothing! It may well mean IVF/ICSI is our only option, but we have decided to take some time out to think about how much we can even be arsed with the whole thing anymore 🙈neither of us has ever been hellbent on the whole idea, it was always a “nice to have” but after my freak out yesterday (which actually went on all day pretty much) I’m wondering if actually, we are better off with a “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach and just carrying on as we are!

@bambioneice80 your knowledge and advice to folks on here is great! Also, I totally know what you mean about the private IVF clinic being money-making machines - we are with a private clinic (we abandoned our NHS referral due to the success stats being so low) and it does feel a bit like a conveyor belt and I am under no illusion that they are providing these services out of the kindness of their hearts!

Oh meant to say: dna fragmentation isn’t done as standard on the nhs and so when he had his nhs tests, was told everything was fine, when it turns out it’s not.

Thank you for the links @BambiOnIce80, I’ve saved to my reading list for later. The clinic that came up on the first link is actually the one I’m going to Sat 😊.

Ooo I do love sneaking it in through a message 👍. I find that much more sense and open hearted easy comes out that way (minus the big fight). Well because of the appointment Sat me and DP had a chat of our own and both agree that the pressure on us to dtd is so immense that it is now a scary thought rather than an enjoyable one, we are stuck in this rut and can’t find a way out. DP is really willing to try everything and anything, it’s me that holds back because my anxious brain just goes into overdrive during this time!
Well I hope DP takes it all on board and gets a move on in time for FW for you @Bambi 🤞. Although I’m with you on the Dinner, Netflix, Bed front lol. I’m also sure the lead up to Ov makes me a little crazier than usual too lol.

@beverlymarsh sorry you’ve had shitty news. Hope you are ok. I think we all go through phases of the ‘can I really be arsed with all this shit’ lol. It’s a bloody mind 🤬.

Just a question.... so I was told on the phone when booking semen analysis that we should refrain from sexual activity 2/3 days before, is tonight to late?
Only asking because I’m worried that because DP is full of very ‘old sperm’ it may impact on the results?

@carley32 when is the SA test? We were told to abstain from 4 days before the test but no longer than 7 days before. So basically say the test was on a Monday, the last day that we could DTD (or he could have “alone time”😂) would be the Thursday before, but no longer than 7 days before. So basically el spermo has to be at least 4 days old but no more than 7 days old. Clear as mud??! 😆😆

I think old sperm can impact the results as they start to disintegrate (I think....)

That’s what I thought.... well we are doomed either way then. Because it certainly hasn’t been within a week (or even 2) and our appointment is Sat! She just said 2/3 days. But is it bloody 2 or 3 🙈 bloody hell!

A couple of my friends have gone with the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" approach @beverlymarsh and are still very much so loving their lives (and their disposable incomes! 😂). Before your DP tears himself up about a result he has no control over, maybe check out that HFEA add-on test link about sperm DNA damage/fragmentation - I think you'll find what it has to say interesting.x

The 'old sperm' thing can definitely be a problem with SA @Carley32 - we know from first hand experience! 🎈 🤦‍♀️ DP didn't read the guidance and abstained for more than 7 days on his first SA and his results came back abnormal. Followed the guidance on the repeat (mainly because I got involved 😬) and the second set of results were fine 👍

... And I'm pleased to report that good old WhatsApp had the desired effect - DP was literally ready to go as soon as I got through the door this evening! 😯 One DTD in the bank for FW! 🎉😈😄

🙌 haha excellent @BambiOnIce80. Well that talk certainly helped you. Thank heavens for WhatsApp 👍.

On the semen front.... Oh bloody hell 🤦‍♀️ It’s sad to say, but Netflix was just looking so much more appealing!

Good work @Bambioneice80!!

@bambionice80, even....

@BambiOnIce80 well done for getting one in the bank 🥳🥳🥳. @Carley32 you're still in time for Saturday but only just! ⏰ 😉

@carley32 they'll prob get dp to fill a form in at the time that states the last time he dtd. They can then take this into account when looking at the sample. Thursday should be ok I'd think. (Someone else chip in if I'm wrong) i think my OH semen analysis said something about a maximum time as well, so not longer than 7 days previous, so if you haven't already, the time is now!