The July 19ers - All aboard the rollercoaster for a 3rd lucky thread

[Frazzlerock]

@Twittlebee that is exactly how it is!! Hope it's not what you fear and things will be okay x

Just catching up through..
@TwittleBee I'm keeping everything crossed for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this 😫 are you able to book one privately?

@Pegase ffs that's awful. How are you holding up?

DH really up to dtd but he's got fucking thrush 😫 & it was painful for him to wee all day. Literally slathered ourselves in canesten & hopefully we can dtd in the morning 🙈 cd13 tomorrow & I usually O on 13/14 so hopefully will be ok.

I’m just catching up too..

@Twittlebee how are you now? I’m sure everything is fine, but it’s worth a phone call to the epu in the morning.

@Ratherbe are you still on holiday? Has DH changed his mind about dtd on holiday?

@ Indreamland sorry your DH is being a pain, I think it’s definitely a man problem generally, and it is well annoying about the SA. If it was us I would be well pissed off.

@Pegase I’m so sorry you had to go through that yesterday

I’m sorry about the language problems everyone is having, that must be tough, thankfully I don’t have any such issues now, but I have had people talking in different languages at work.

As for me I continue to drift in no direction at all, time ticks by and I get older by the second. DH has upset me quite a bit this weekend, it all started over a holiday his family want to book for the summer. We seem to have to go away with them every year, DH didn’t even want to go this year, but now I’m the one dragging my heels he has been quite aggressive towards me. Is it unreasonable not to want to go away with your in laws every year? We only just went away with them last weekend.

@Rose68 I'm not surprised you're digging your heels in. A few hours every couple of months with my in laws is enough. Well actually, I could spend loads of time with my SIL because she's great but my FIL and his weird toxic girlfriend I'd happily never see (my DH and SIL feel the same way towards their dad). Don't give in. Got deserve quality family time (not with the in laws).

I can't stop crying, so fed up of everything. Maybe I'm just hormonal, CD26 and 8/9DPO. AF due tomorrow if cycle is the same as has been since second mc in November but that should mean very short luteal phase which is worrying me. I'm just exhausted by it all.

*you not got

Why on earth did I just waste a FRER knowing it is way too early to test???? 😞😖 I'm such an idiot!

Rose totally not unreasonable! We see loads of my FIL but sometimes I just need a break and DH tries to respect that, it always has to be give and take on these things.

InDreamland so sorry that you're upset and got a negative test. It is exhausting. I wouldn't worry too much about the luteal phase length if you can help it. Even a 10 day luteal phase is OK and that's all I had when I got pregnant (I'm hoping that it's not indicative of a problem that caused the pregnancy to fail).

Twittle I love that comic! Good plan to speak to EPU today, hopefully they'll be understanding and helpful.

Rather no, not you with thrush as well! It's the worst.

Frazzle hope you're OK!

As for me, as usual I'm not sure whether or not I've ovulated (not helped by jet lag and illness). My temperature is still fairly low but my CM has dried up and my nipples are really tender (this is a new one for me! I feel like last cycle my body picked nausea as my 'gotcha' unusual luteal phase symptom to make me think I've got a chance, this cycle I think it's sore boobs). Even though I'm being ridiculous cause my boobs have been sore for the last few days even when my temperature was solidly, solidly pre o (36.0).

Thanks @Kinsters. I hate that mc is a thing, stupid thing to say I know but it's just so cruel. I hope that for you in a couple of weeks you'll have a BFP and it's just your body throwing a new symptom at you.

AF due today (or in next few days - I really don't understand my body anymore) and I certainly don't feel pg and after last night's stupid decision to waste a FRER I'm definitely out this month ......again. How could I ever think things would actually work out for me. All my positivity is zapped.

Morning
Sorry you got a negative @InDreamland. It's like you expect it but it still hurts to see. FX you catch the pesky egg next month.

Re all the language stuff .... I don't have that issue so can't relate but can say I find it incredibly rude.

So if TTC isn't stressful enough, this weekend we put our house on the market!!
DH made a valid point that if we don't secure a mortgage on my full time wage now it might not be possible in a few years so we have bitten the bullet and it's now for sale!! 🙈

Still feel like I have NO symptoms of PG... I'm now 4+3 and yesterday did a clearblue digital and it's moved up from 1-2 to 2-3 in past 6 days so I'm trying to be positive. X

Morning all!

Rose certainly not unreasonable at all! You all only get so much time and money for holidays and if you've already been away why do you need to go again wit them! No doubt though, PIL will be bitter about it and say you are keeping their son from them (or am I just projecting my own in-laws issues?)

I am so sorry how upset you are InDreamland although it isnt surprising, this whole journey is shit. I really hope that if AF does show up then you can at least have a decent AF visit. FX though that you might get a BFP tomorrow and a sticky one at that.

Kin oh how our bodies like to fuck with us ey? Jet lag really does seem to mess it all up doesnt it! I know if I am tired then I always have lower temps though?

Well I am cramping something rotten this morning and it doesnt feel like ligament pains but rather those horrid pre AF cramps. I'll call EPU during my lunch break - found their number on my previous paperwork.

tigsy eeeeek! Good luck with the house sale!! Good luck with selling it and finding a nice new home! Btw I didnt get any symptoms this time round till 5 weeks and didnt feel them properly till 6 weeks! 4 weeks is still super early xx

Hi all,

Not really sure where to start. But I wanted to send lots of thoughts and love to @Pegase and @Twittle.

I have lots to catch up on. @Kinsters, as @Tigsy says, I haven't ever experienced language problems but I would hate to be in your position.
@indreamland How could I ever think things would actually work out for me. All my positivity is zapped. - I feel you. This is soul destroying.

As for me, I'm still an utter misery.
DP is depressed about work, his health, and my desperation for a baby. I consistently feel like all this is my fault. He keeps on having a go at the boys and I can't say anything as it will be undermining him, but my protective mode is kicking in so much it hurts. He says it is because he cares about them.
As soon as it goes quiet regarding finding work his mood plummets. His health has been bad for a long time. He has had labyrinthitis symptoms since around September 2015, has terrible opngoing tinnitus, and now he has 'worms' in his vision again which, he's been told before, is stress and lots of men his age have it. But it is back. The ENT couldn't find anything wrong re lab symptoms so has booked him in for an MRI scan. So now he thinks he has a brain tumour. His dad has had a slow growing one for years so he thinks he now has the same. This then has a knock on effect for his work as he is going to go contracting for the first time hopefully soon, but can't do that if his health is fucked.

Meanwhile I'm dying inside because I'm still not any closer to having a baby with him. And this is just going to delay things further. Then I feel selfish because obviously his health is more important.
Last night I told him I just want him to be happy, then he said "I just want you to be happy, but it's killing me"

So there we have it. If it weren't for my desperation for a baby everything would be fine.
I am currently hating myself and wish more than anything in the world that this crippling desire would fuck off forever.

Sorry, I know some of you have real worries about your babies so this feels completely insignificant in comparison.

Happy Monday all

@Indreamland 8/9 dpo is way too early to test! There is still time. x

Thank you for the supportive comments, we currently aren’t speaking to each other and I guess that will continue for ages. @Frazzlerock my DH is also constantly having a go at our boys, but I do undermine him and he gets really pissed off about that. I know it’s bad to undermine but he snaps at just about anything and everything, and I am trying to protect them.

@Frazzle you don’t need to apologise, we all get it, tbh I could have written your post, except for the bit about DP’s health problems. I am so sorry and I pray that it’s not something like a brain tumour! I don’t want to say ‘hopefully it’s just stress’ because obviously stress isn’t great either, but at least it’s not a brain tumour, if you get what I mean.

And it looks like I’m joining the thrush club 😩

It sounds like loads of us are having a really shit time at the moment. Hugs to you all. TTC and miscarriages and just life can be so shit and unfair sometimes.

Do you think this OPK is positive? It didn't look positive when I first did it so I left it for thirty minutes now it looks like this! I'll do another one tomorrow morning. Idk why my body is doing this. My vag is dry as a bone but apparently LH is rising! Whyyy?

I added my chart too. Thought maybe I ovulated CD16 but perhaps it'll be tomorrow (CD19) instead.

I think I have just dug my own grave.

DP: Like I said last night, yes I am doing everything to make yours come true. I think I am realising, to the detriment of my own health/happiness/mental state. xx

I told DP that if the sole reason for him being ill is due to the babymaking then he should pull the plug and I should be the ill one again as I can't be responsible for making him ill.

Great, I guess this is it then
I've got to try and accept that I will now be unhappy for the rest of my life.

Oh Frazzle I don't know what to say. It's just an impossible situation. Do you think it would help for your DP to go and see his GP and look into getting therapy or maybe medication? Really the solution to both your sadnesses is for you to be pregnant and happy so I guess medication and therapy won't really help the root cause

I wish we had a switch to turn broodyness on and off. Scratch that, a switch to get pregnant...

keep trying to type and then a colleague comes over! right...

Frazzle - firstly, those bloomin eye worms, i thought i was gonna go blind when I first got them when I was in my teens (optician laughed at me and told me its stress) but they arent unbearable imo, kind of used to when they appear now (I actually hallucinate spiders when I get too stressed and that is something that is real horrid). I am so so so sorry you think you have dug your own grave! It is so fricking frustrating! Why cant your DP just agree that you guys will DTD on the days required, and yes okay those will be about BM but all the other times you have sex can be those romantic ones where he isnt "just a sperm donor" to use his words?

Kin Oh not too sure! Do another one when you can, tbh you could just do another one in a couple hours and see if it gets darker then you'll know? Try and see it after 10 minutes though rather than waiting 30 minutes if you can! I find IC OPKs so confusing sometimes for how they seem to get darker outside of the window.

Yup - as suspected. The next available spot they have isn't until Monday unless its an emergency and apparently I am not bleeding enough to be seen on their emergency scans on Friday. I cant see them on their walk in clinics as I havent been referred by my MW (who is away) and havent had enough MCs (only had 2 on their records as I didnt know CPs counted FFS) to self refer for them. So I have been told to wait till my dating scan on Monday as they cant do anything anyway.

That sucks Twittle. Is paying for a private scan an option?

It really isn't Kin unfortunately, money is seriously tight as DH is unable to do any Extra Shifts currently and we just had the whole car issue to sort out plus we are trying to do our house up.

In some good news though, my mum and step dad announced their engagement to us last night! So that is pretty sweet.

@Twittlebee have you spoken to a midwife? I know yours is on holiday, but there must be others covering. They should be able to get baby’s heart on a Doppler by now, or you could try to get hold of a Doppler and try yourself? I used one with DS2, and I do understand you have to be careful with them, but bloody hell did it help put my mind at rest on a few occasions! I used it from about 10 weeks until when I could feel him kick, which was very early (about 14 weeks I think).

@Frazzle has DP actually pulled the plug or have you just suggested it? FX he won’t listen to you. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t doing this ttc lark, it would be so lovely to get back to a normal life and not feel so bloody depressed all the time. A switch to switch off broodiness sounds fab, how do I get me one of those?

@Kinsters maybe thrush has messed up your cm? If the test line is the first line on the left, I don’t think it looks darker than the control line, but the control line does look dark. It does look like you might be close though.

Tbh no I havent spoke to anther MW - last time I had bleeding though not even my MW could get me an app earlier than 5 days with the EPU! And even then I never was offered a scan! I was told to come back on another day for the scan!

Maybe you wouldn’t need a scan if the mw could find the heartbeat on a Doppler x

That is true though! I'll see if I can get hold of anyone after work! x

Well I don't know what to think now. He is of course, skewing everything I say. At least by text I can see that is what he is doing. When this happens face to face I end up questioning myself. He has now stopped texting back. This all started with me sending him a good morning message and asking how he was today.
I'm so tired of this battle with him. I just want it to stop now I have nothing left of me. Every time he is down he makes me feel like shit and I have to either fight back and make things worse, or just take it all. If it wasn't for getting pregnant with Emily then none of this would be happening. I wouldn't be thinking of babies. I just wish I could get rid of this feeling. I gave myself up to him by saying we should stop TTC if it is making him ill and I will take it.
His response: "your way of caring for me right now is to say "right fine, we can look at ways of managing your illness, but it will then be on you that I will get ill" Unbelievable.."

I don't think I can ever make him happy, even by offering myself up to a lifetime of heartache so that he can feel better. That is the biggest sacrifice I can give him but it wasn't enough.

I'm exhausted. I want to go home and cry so much. I've cried for three fucking years and I feel like I could carry on crying forever. I honestly don't think it will ever stop.

Sorry @Twittle I keep highjacking when you're going through this worry 😢