Thank you for the support ladies. Especially those who have been in similar situations - it's really nice to know I'm not alone.
For what it's worth, my husband might be a bit depressed. He's ex-military and has a similarly tough job now, so it's possible. He has looked into talk therapy, but he's not actually followed up on doing anything about it. He says he likes sex when we have it, but he just doesn't feel the urge to do it often. His low libido definitely upsets him.
I tried to talk to him today about how anxious it was making me, not knowing if we were trying or not. If we are trying, then we need to be having sex around the right times. If we're not, then I can get my head around that. But I need to know one way or another. He said he felt pressured.
I suggested, thinking it would be helpful, that we could always try the method of him doing his thing in the bathroom, and me using a syringe at the right time, to save him feeling any pressure of having sex. Thought it was a practical suggestion. He lost his rag and told me to leave the room. He's shut himself in the bedroom. I don't know why it's upset him. I thought it was a practical way to get him the baby he apparently wants, without the pressure of having to have sex with his wife (which seems to be an awful burden on him!) I am only being snarky on here, because I know I am in good company - I've tried so hard to be non-critical and supportive when talking to him about it. But that's another door slammed. And I guess I can kiss this FW goodbye!
Can't deal with this.