TTC after pregnancy loss - thread 27 - BFPs are coming!

[Yukka]

New Thread as we're at 988 messages on thread 26. we'll do a quick roll call:
Age 39
TTC x1
MC x 3 = Sept + Dec 2017 + May 2018
Currently pregnant again 5w4ds
Diagnosed with APS/Hughes Syndrome. On Asprin since October and start Heparin tomorrow. First scan Monday.

xx

Sorry you're feeling so down @Laney79 :( it's so horrible having to explain to people.

@wanderlustgirl it took 31 days for AF to arrive after the erpc and I usually have 29 day cycles (or I did before the miscarriage).

I'm not sure if I ovulated or not. I got a positive opk and ovulation pain but my temp increase was much more gradual than usual. I'm 5 dpo (if I even ovualted) and keep symptom spotting. I'm so annoyed with myself, I know symptoms aren't possible before implantation could even have happened and I got upset that I got a bfn on hpt. Forgetting the fact that a bfp would be impossible this early (I'm obviously going crazy!) it's the bfp I've been waiting 7.5 weeks for since the d&c! I feel so stupid! I should be relieved about it, not upset!

@Yukka yep-has my useless carcass of a body done what it was supposed to the timing would've been perfect. Sadly rather than ovulating on day 13/14 (after dtd cd 11 and 12) it's taken till now cd21.

Like I said-every time I find hope...

@Laney79 oh I see, I'm so sorry it must be very hard to cope with the feeling of time running out. I feel the same way. I really hope that you will be blessed with a miracle rainbow. You deserve some happy. I'm sorry if my question has upset you in anyway it wasn't my intention. Wish I could give you a big hug. 2019 will be better it has to be xx

@Lilimum5 don't worry lovely. You didn't upset me. Just feeling hopeless right now x

@laney79 perhaps you could to try spending a little time feeling better about yourself and trying to balance your cycles. Your last mc wasn’t that long ago and is potentially still interfering. Unfortunately it took me 6 months this time to conceive again and I wish I’d gone for acupuncture sooner because of the results. Given your oh situation you do carry the pressure for both of you.... your so strong but it could be taking it’s toil on the inside xx remember my acupuncturist said about the spleen, it controls the hormones for emotions and fertility and if it’s being pulled more for emotions then it’s taking away from fertility xx

@Yukka I think my problem is my gut is telling me even if I do fall pregnant again there's something wrong so I'll miscarry again. It sounds terrible to say but I just need that over with so someone will help me. I just don't have the time to keep doing this. If it doesn't happen quickly there'll be no chance of finding out what's wrong and fixing it before I'm too old and it's too late. Every time I miscarry it takes months to recover physically and to get some kind of cycle back. Add that to the fact I seem to have mmcs so it always takes its time to actually happen. I worked out I've only actually had around 8 weeks this year where I haven't been pregnant, miscarrying or recovering from an Mc (ie waiting for first AF). I'm just exhausted.

Sorry you’re having such a tough time @Laney79 - have you thought about telling a white lie or two to the GP so they could start the ball rolling on investigations whilst you’re still TTC? Or could you do some of the cheaper initial testing privately?

I’m finding myself irrationally (or maybe rationally, actually) angry this week - thanks AF. My DH is really stressed too so we’ve not been getting on too well for the last few days either. Also had some discussions re my return to work in Jan as I’ve been off since October and I just don’t want any of it. I should be going off on maternity leave in a few weeks, not coming back from a bereavement break. Christmas making everything that bit harder too.

I was thinking, has anyone got across any articles/insight on mental health while TTC? I can see over and over again (me included) that we deal with depression/anxiety due to not being able to conceive/carry to term. What I thought was going to be one of the happiest times in my life has given me the opposite (mostly when AF is due).

Needadoughnut haven't found anything but be interested in reading around that topic too. Everyone keeps telling me there is no connection to stress / anxiety and TTC or Miscarriage etc. BUT my consultant who I see for my Acute Anxiety Disorder told me otherwise...

So, yesterday was interesting, got a phone call from my Legal team about the car crash I was in. The other guy admitted liability and they are looking into how to claim that the car crash and the anxiety induced from it contributed towards my MC. Dates of stopped growth match the car crash date. Feels horrid though getting money from my MC but I keep thinking that maybe it will help me think it wasn't my fault that the MC happened and I can take DS on a nice holiday

@Laney79 It's horrible what miscarriages can do to the way we feel about our bodies. Try to be kind to yourself and allow time to heal x

There was some research relatively recently on ptsd, anxiety and miscarriage, doesn't specifically mention ttc but am sure that must be part of it: www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/mental-health/a28142/miscarriage-support/

I've been having flashbacks/intrusive thoughts since my first miscarriage back in April, since this last one I've been having nightmares too. I self referred to the local NHS psychological therapies service but they declined to offer an appointment as on the screening questionnaires I scored low for depression and anxiety.

@chilli very interesting article thanks!
@tinypaws have you tried with psychiatry self referral? In my case they were a lot more helpful than the psychological one.

Hi all,

Really sorry to hear so many of us are having such a crappy time, it's awful isn't it. I had a complete meltdown on Wednesday night, due to having to catch up with a very good friend who is pregnant and very close in date to one of my miscarriages. It was made worse by her having had a crap TTC journey herself over the years. Very emotional. Anyway getting myself back in the chrimbo mood today.

@Laney79 please look after yourself

@awakeatnight so very sorry to see you back here, and for your loss I got myself referred to Tommy's research and local RMC at same time. Tests seem similar for both a vaginal ultrasound, a suite of bloods, hormones, clotting, thyroid, rubella, lupus etc, and then the local RMC wanted a vaginal swab as well I assume to check from infection like @SerenaOverjoyed said.

As I mentioned in my previous post had first acupuncture last weekend, have had loads of creamy cm this week, which I am not sure related, but I haven't had in months. Am not TTC at the moment so AF due Monday, hoping is a sign body rebalancing. Blood test milestone for me next week.

Well I finally have soon good news (things are backwards) it's a bfn yay I've feel like I've waited for ever for this

@Lilimum5 that's great, so pleased for you.
EPU called me back today, the midwife was a bit dismissive and said she spoke to a Dr who thought retained products were unlikely but they've offered me a scan on Wednesday, so guess I'll wait it out until then and also take a test then, really hoping for a bfn then too as it'll be 2 weeks post erpc but I know it can take longer.

@Chilliandlime they said that to me too but I got a bit upset and demanded a scan. Lucky I did really too. You make sure you get the care you deserve hun xx

@lilimum5 that’s excellent news so glad it’s sorted. Hope your cycle goes well.

@laney79 i do know its tough, but don’t sell yourself short. There is every chance the next pregnancy is successful but you also need to be ready for that emotionally and physically. Ask yourself - what if the next one IS the one? what if there is no other mc for you? How does that make you feel? X

@fnej01 glad the acupuncture may have helped. I had the same with cm it just appeared out of nowhere after treatment after not having it for ages.

@chilliandlime hope you get clarity on Wednesday if no bfn before

Glad you got your bfn @Lilimum5, at least you can move forward and focus on the future now 

We are back on first cycle ttc. Ovulating on Monday apparently, so fingers crossed 🤞cycle seems to have gone straight back to normal which I'm taking as a good sign.

I felt very strong after the miscarriage, didn't take a single day off work and after a couple of days of mourning with dh we've only talked about ttc in a positive light. Have felt the cracks starting to show a little as Christmas approaches, it always feels like such a family time. I was looking forward to having a little one next Xmas, but that's likely not going to be the case anymore 

There's also talk of redundancies at work and I'm now paranoid that I'll be let go and will have to work a year somewhere else before ttc in order to get a maternity leave package 😖 it's not guaranteed, and if it happens it's unlikely to be my department, but my mind seems to be catastrophising at the moment 

@Yukka and @Dimblebimble it seems to strange to be happy about a bfn test. But at least it's one less thing for me to obsess over now, just everything else to deal with. Now just to get first AF out of the way now. I've had cramps for two days but no spotting or bleeding. It's taking it sweet time. I also started temping again but I'm struggling to remember to do it when I wake up. I did it like clock work from May to August but then didn't do it for 9 weeks after my bfp and now I can't seem to remember. The alarm goes off and I don't remember until its to late I'm already up and half way across the landing before I remember.
As soon as AF arrives I can start using my
Clear blue fertility monitor. I got it really cheap on ebay only cost me £10.00 for the touch screen device and 20 sticks + 6 hpt sticks. Has anyone else used this type of monitor?

I have just bought one @Lilimum5 but still waiting for first AF to use it. Was just going au naturel before the mc but now feel like need to step up our game if not necessarily going to have successful pg. Took 6 months to get this one that didn't work out and am abt to turn 35.

Thanks @Yukka I think I'm just feeling hopeless right now. I know all the stats but sadly my body has defied them pretty much at every stage. And nothing has materially changed to make me feel as though I have made any kind of difference so the outcome will just be the same.

I'm just finding it very hard at the moment. There's no chance for me this month either so I think I need to step away and seriously think if this is something I can continue to do. I'm thinking more and more about going back on the pill. I want to be a mom so desperately but this is breaking me.

@laney79 I’m really sorry your feeling this way, perhaps you can ask to see a counsellor through the EPU to have some support and not try to go through this on your own? Does oh know how you feel? I know you support him a lot but you need support too xx I wish I could help make you feel better as i think you still have a lot of opportunities to be a mum ahead of you before you throw in the towel xx

@Laney79 I definitely echo Yukka's advice below about seeing a counsellor. So sorry you are feeling like this. I know it is a cliche but time also does help. I regret not having a break earlier this year now that I am on a break. The grief comes in waves but I am managing everything so much better. And the ability to look forward to catching up with friends etc is so much easier. If not your OH do you have some close friends who's ear you can bend, over several gallons of wine about how shit and awful it's been.
I have also found great comfort in yoga and meditation just to calm and focus myself.