35+ TTC#1 Thread 4

[BambiOnIce80]

We're very close to maxing-out our previous thread, so time to start afresh 🙂

To borrow the intro from @Blondcat (our old threads founder):

A wonderful bunch of ladies supporting each other through the ttc journey when trying for a first baby after 35.

Good luck all!! 🍀🤞🏻🍀🤞🏻

What have you tried @QuantumGirl? I'm allergic to half the world and frequently break out in all sorts of spectacular rashes, most recently a bright red one all over from taking the oral thrush tablet, got rid of the thrush though

AF is due today but no signs of her arrival, although last time I came off the pill I had 35 day cycles, which would be boxing day, but that was when I had two working ovaries so who knows.

@VenusStarr I’m sorry that you’re struggling. This time of year makes all our problems feel magnified, doesn’t it? I agree that it can be helpful to have an issue that’s been identified, but that only works in theory. In practice I think I’d still be upset, because who wants to find out that they have any issues or need more procedures done?

Maybe once you find out what the course of action is, you can speak to other people who have been through similar. It could help address your fears while also keeping them grounded.

@Carley321 hooray for shorter cycles! Hopefully the trend continues and your cycles are stabilizing.

Sorry to hear of all the AF’s and BFN’s.

Feeling a bit deflated today.
Had a conversation with DH yesterday to which he explained that he only wanted to continue TTC for a few more months then call it a day.
I was somewhat dumbfounded to be honest.
Not sure if maybe it’s cold feet or he’s feeling a bit overwhelmed . I was just sat there not saying a word.
It’s funny really as I never really imagined I could feel so strongly about wanting to have a baby until we made the decision to TTC.
I wasn’t going to post on here as everybody else seems to be having a rough time but I haven’t actually told any of my friends about TTC so just felt like I needed to vent.
I’m so upset.

Oh @Emmz84 I'm sorry to hear what your dh said. How long have you been trying? Don't worry about posting what you have, ttc can be so isolating so it's good that you have somewhere to talk and share. I'm witb you on the overwhelming desire to have a baby. I don't really have any advice but I can listen

Thank you @Kescilly dh sat me down yesterday and we had a good chat. He had to remind me we're in it together - he feels like I'm taking the bland and all the responsibility and that I shouldn't. I'm just finding it really tough to not catastrophise and jump to conclusions. Patience is not one of my strong points! Luckily I have my first counselling appt today, have arrived a bit early so am treating myself to a coffee first.

Hope everyone else is getting on OK 🌟

blame this journey is anything but bland!!

Vent away Emmz84. Has he said anything about not wanting children, or is he being short-sighted and just feeling overwhelmed from TTC?

@VenusStarr I hope it goes well and you find it useful! I think women take on “more” when it comes to TTC. More responsibility for educating themselves and taking care of their nutrition, more investigations when it’s not working, and more blame if there’s an issue. It’s natural for many reasons, but do try to take him up on his offer and offload a bit of that responsibility.

Crikey @Emmz84, that's a hell of a bombshell for DH to drop on you! 😥 Any idea why the total change of heart?! If you only had the coil removed in September, then it must have been very surprising that he came out with that 😔 We've had some chats on here before about one partner or the other moving the TTC goal posts, but sounds like you've not finished the conversation he started yesterday! Are you going to collect your thoughts and revisit it? Wishing you luck, however you choose to handle it 🍀❤️

Glad the counselling appointment is well timed @VenusStarr 👍 Your DH sounds like he's once again being a good'un 😉

@QuantumGirl you made me lol with your itchy dance moves! 😂 Hope it starts to get better soon though 🤞🏻

Tentative good sign that AF isn't here yet 🙂 Keeping everything crossed for you that she stays away 🤞🏻🍀

@Emmz84 completely understand why that would be upsetting for you! I would be really mad with him. You can’t just change your mind on these things without completely messing with someone’s head. Did he explain his reasons?

Hi guys and thank you all so much for your kind words of support.
I’m not quite sure what is going on in dh’s mind but I do plan on finding out exactly what is eating away at him, especially as he initiated the TTC journey.
I’m kind of hoping that he just had a little wobble and is able to get past his doubts.
We were talking through TTC for around 3 months before I had my coil removed, so it wasn’t exactly a rushed over night decision, I distinctly remember the pair of us asking each other if we were sure it’s what we wanted and we both agreed it was.
Perhaps he has been speaking to friends/work colleagues who have planted the seed of doubt.
I plan on speaking to him this evening when he returns home from work!

I need to share my counselling experience today, if that's OK. It didn't go well, at all.

I sat down and she didn't sit opposite me, instead choosing to sit at a desk with a computer, which I thought was odd but having never been there dismissed it. I started sharing how I was feeling and she quickly jumped in saying that I was very negative about the situation. I shared my scan results and talked about how I felt. She then told me that I was too negative and I needed to think positively.

I went on to say that I'm struggling sharing with people as I find it difficult and she said she could see I was angry so I should shut down conversations about babies and my fertility. I said I wanted to be able to talk without feeling upset and not taking would isolate me further than I already feel.

She said I should think about my options and it was 50-50 if I would be a mom. I said I wasn't ready to think about options as we're early in the investigations and I don't want to jump ahead, I just want to feel better about going through this difficult situation. She said I was being black and white and if I was thinking more positively then I might get pregnant. I said you've presented me with 2 options, being a mom or not, you're the one who's made this black and white. To which she argued with me and said she hadn't said that.

I completely shut down and said I'm not finding your approach helpful. She was trying to give advice and tell me what to do. I said I came to counselling to help me understand my thoughts and feeling and to help me go through this difficult uncertain time and I actually feel judged. She said I'm not judging you and I said I feel judged by you. She replied well, that's your perception (!!)

She then said she was trained in cbt and perhaps she had gone too heavy on cbt. So she changed tack and said how does it make you feel to not be pregnant right now? I said I'm sad. She said do you think it's unfair? I said I'm not trying to compare myself to others, I just feel sad about what I'm going through. She kept trying to push this unfair thing.

She tried to get me to answer the depression screening questions and I refused. I just repeated that her approach had been unhelpful and I felt like she was invalidating my feelings.

It ended with her saying don't take this the wrong way but I'm going to see if someone else can give you counselling, I think you need counselling - no fucking shit.

All that waiting for that awful experience. There was quite a bit more but the whole experience was awful

Ps @Kescilly and @BambiOnIce80 thank you. I was able to call dh straight after which helped and met my sister this evening and was able to cry on her shoulder.

@Emmz84 Hope your chat with dh goes well x

Oh shit @VenusStarr, that sounds like the worst counselling session ever! 😟 I had counselling when I was getting divorced and the counsellor never forced her opinion on me - just asked questions to help me explore what I was going through and occasionally giving me her impartial perspective, if appropriate.

As you say, TTC and whether you become a parent or not is not black and white and feelings of unfairness/jealousy may or may not be there. If they are there, they may come and go - you made it clear what you wanted to deal with was feeling sad about TTC and this is what she should have worked on... what the 🤬 was she thinking?! 🤨

I went for my counselling through a Scottish charity that charged on a means tested to your salary basis (I think it cost me £30 a week). It was worth every penny. In the first session they listened to me and worked out who it was best to pair me with for the counselling. My counsellor was amazing. If this was your first experience of counselling then it must have put you off so much, but please think about trying a different counsellor if you can face it.x

@Emmz84, good luck with your conversation with DH tonight.x

Are you in the UK @VenusStarr? That sounds really odd. I've had loads of counselling, I've seen about six or seven different counsellors since I was a teenager, and none sounded like that! They rarely gave much of their opinions at all, lots of silence and lots of drawing things out of me with gentle questions. That was a mixture of university counselling, NHS counselling, private counselling, and counselling abroad in my second language, so I've had a good mix!

I'd suck up the cost and go private. It's worth the cash.

@Emmz84 - he's probably just having a wobble. Try not to get too upset, step back until you're feeling okay and see if you can have a neutral conversation about it. There is likely a reason and you can resolve it. Trust me, OH and I have been back and forth over this ground for about five years. Everyone gets scared. I think the people who are convinced that having kids will be great are the ones who haven't thought about it properly. It's easy to get cold feet when you picture the reality.

I'm working away again for another fertile week. I had another racy dream about a colleague last night. Joy. In my dream I'd given him a proper dad bod, weirdly, which isn't my style. Oh well, maybe I have a secret lusting for a paunch.

Yes in the UK @79andnotout this was a counselling referral through work (ironically I work in mental health and this is their occupational heath that they buy in) It's not what I expected. I did actually ask her what her qualifications are and she got on the defensive and said she was a qualified counsellor and was also a psychotherapist. She didn't demonstrate any personable / counselling skills at all.

I am going to complain though.

I will look into what's available locally privately.

@VenusStarr - sometimes you need to try a few before you find the right fit. I've binned off two counsellors in my time within a couple of meetings of them. The first one I saw was rubbish and nearly put me off completely. Hang on in there, hope the next one is better!

I’m sorry @VenusStarr, what a horrible experience! I agree that it sometimes takes a while to find the right person who’s a right fit. But this was also really far off the mark and she shouldn’t have been telling you what to do or feel.

Please don’t give up, there are better counselors out there!

Oh my @venusstarr that sounds like an awful experience. Not good when you're in a bad place.

Thank you all for your support

Thanks all. I am very happy, hopefully fw will be in the hols when all is merry and bright and I won’t be stressing over anything silly at work 🤞.

Sorry you had a horrible experience @venusStar, but keep looking.
I suffer with anxiety and didn’t want to take anything offered to me because of ttc, so I see a counsellor. It really can help! So just keep trying 💐 x

Trying to find the right counsellor I mean.

@venusstarr as some of the others have said, try not to lose heart. I have heard that sometimes a particular therapist doesn’t work out so trying someone new is pretty common. Hopefully the next one will be better. I hope you find someone who allows you to Work through your own feelings in your own time.
I am off for Christmas now did NOTHING yesterday because that’s what I needed. Off to start my Christmas shopping today!

@zoomies1 that sounds wonderful. Is it another day of nothing today?

I spent far too much time last night baking treats for the neighbors. And now I’m worried they haven’t come out very nice! Oh well, I spent time on it so this is what they’re getting.

I feel like I spent the first couple months of my pregnancy frustrated that the doctors didn’t want to see me or help me. And now I’m getting overwhelmed with all the appointments! I also was stupid and didn’t know I had to fill my prescription at the hospital, so I need to see if I can get a ride back. 🙁

@VenusStarr that sounds horrendous and you are right to complain. I have a lot of contact with OH as part of my job and I find that some are quite mechanical in their approach.

I definitely agree that if you can afford to go privately, it’s so worth the cash.

@Emmz84 It’s most likely a bit of a wobble, he can probably see that it’s stressing you out. I always try to think before hand, what I want to say and what I want the outcome to be. It doesn’t always work but having a plan helps me to feel calm and rational when I am dealing with an emotive subject.

I also agree that deciding whether to have a child is not black and white for everyone, it certainly took me a lot of time to warm up to the idea. Now we have only been trying for a few months and part of me feels like a bit of a failure because we’re not pregnant yet which is stupid and irrational and just adds to the stress of it all 🙄