TTC after pregnancy loss - thread 26 - BFPs are coming!

[RedRobin7]

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Another new thread! This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle - this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Kicking off with a roll call:

RedRobin7
Age 30
TTC #1
MMC at 12 weeks in March 18
NMC at 7 weeks in July 18

Currently under a private gynaecologist and waiting for tests results. Hoping to join the TTC bus again in October.

@InDreamland Good luck in the TWW. Distraction is definitely the key. Have you got some nice things lined up to do?

@hayleyfx fingers crossed for you. Hope you manage to stay calm throughout the TWW.

@mostimproved have you tested again yet?

@MeghanV07 The first cycle is so hard, as it's usually very messed up. I hope things get back to normal for you soon.

@Mistymeow You have every right to feel sad chicken. xxx
It must be so frustrating knowing it's probably not going to happen for a few months yet, but we can all keep our fingers crossed for you anyway!

@shivbo2014 hi! So sorry to hear about the ectopic. I hope you get a sticky healthy bean soon. It's a roller-coaster of emotions though and completely normal to have mixed feelings about a BFP.

@Boboelephant I'm sending you healthy-egg vibes your way!

@TinyPaws I'm glad the ball is getting rolling again for you but I totally understand all the mixed feelings it brings with it. Just take one day at a time and concentrate your thoughts on other things if you can... Best of luck to you!

@Laney79 I'm glad for you that it looks like your body is doing it itself this time. You're so strong. Huge hugs xxx What's your hospital appointment for tomorrow? Will be thinking of you.

Hi @Babylonlost so sorry to hear of your loss. When you say your MMC was recent, have you had an AF since then or are you CD21 from MC? Your cycles can be a bit messed up for a few months after MC so I wouldn't worry about not appearing to have ovulated yet.

@awakeatnight sorry you were living up to your name last night. Hope you managed to get back to sleep and are back to have a nap today! xxx

@strawberrye Huge hugs.

Well the in-laws went home yesterday so it's back to normality now!
Currently CD24 and 6 or 7 DPO I think. DTD on CD15, got a static smiley CD16 and have ovary/ovulation pain on CD18. Not sure if that means I ovulated on CD18 or it could have been pain after ovulation. Anyway, I guess there's a slim chance I could have caught this month but I'm not hopeful. I have had slightly painful boobs yesterday evening and this morning though, which I don't ever get normally (not even when pregnant) so I'm putting that down to ill-fitting bra or putting weight on from all the food I've been scoffing during my week off! TRYING not to symptom spot.

My due date is also coming up in a couple of weeks. I think there's quite a few of us with October dates. I'm not feeling too bad about it at the moment, but we'll see how I feel in a couple of week's time.

@strawberrye hugs. Being at work was definitely the right call for me. I hope you stay occupied and get some work done! I told my manager (in her capacity as friend rather than manager) and she was really understanding.

I hear you on the step back whilst waiting for the due date. I really do feel like I've entered another stage today and am ready to start trying to move forwards again. Even if all that means is progress over the last week or so daily tears!

@Laney79 stay close to the centre too!

@KnitKitty Its the scan to confirm I lost Bow. Because she was so small at 4.2mm and even though I knew my dates were correct due to tracking my EPAU won't confirm MMC for anything under 7mm until a rescan 14 days later (unless they'd previously seen a heartbeat which they hadn't as this was scan 1 at 8+6). So more trauma of medical procedures which I hate.

I'm pretty sure it will show its all happened though. I think I passed her and her sac/placenta/tissue on Saturday night.

Had a big bust up last night with my fella. I was crying, and I feel he's the only one I can be completely open with, but he says I need to talk to other people and that I can keep it together in front of other people but then as soon as we're alone I get really upset. He's right. I do. But I just can't bear seeing the pain and upset in other people's eyes, it makes me feel even worse that I'm upsetting them.

Instead I'm hurting the man I love. So I guess I need to try not to do that with him. It's just that he's the one person I felt I could be honest with about how I was feeling.

It doesn't help that I'm in this horrid Groundhog Day style loop. Waiting. I have so many questions and waiting for the answers Is just torture. I need a plan and at the moment I haven't got one because I'm waiting on dr's/consultants to come back to me. So I just go over and over and over it. I know it's not doing any good but I can't stop.

@Melpops36 your chart looks very promising, crossing everything for you!

@Laney79 hugs to you, Groundhog Day is an accurate description. Sorry to hear you’re struggling, my heart goes out to you and you’re not hurting anyone, just sharing your pain with the father of your babies which you have every right to do.

@strawberrye thinking of your on your due date

@KnitKitty sounds promising!! Obviously I’m not encouraging symptom spotting but the sore boobs could be a sign!

Thanks for the reassurance/tentative congratulations - still no AF and I got an unmistakeable line this morning, much darker than the other day, but cannot bring myself to call it a BFP. I’m convinced I have this thing where my body can’t tell if a pregnancy is viable or not, so it catches easily but catches the wrong ones, and because of the lack of symptoms I feel like it’s all going to go wrong again. I’m also worrying about my thyroid levels as I haven’t had it tested since I was last pregnant, but I have a blood test form from the GP I haven’t used yet so will try to fit in a blood test today or tomorrow. In the meantime I am trying to just focus on other things to stop me worrying all the time.

Thanks @knitknitty @boboelephant @laney79 I feel a bit better.

@strawberrye sorry to hear, my due date is next month in between my birthday and wedding anniversary. I'm trying to focus on the positives, we can get pregnant- it's just going to take a bit longer and all the medical team are hopeful. It does help to share- I hope you have your partner to support you today.
@awakeatnight I know what you mean about entering another stage. I was feeling a lot more myself but now my eyes fill with tears every time I think about it. I can't change the fact that I would be meeting my baby next month, but I can give myself time to acknowledge those feelings to help me recover from this sad experience.
@laney79 you are incredibly strong. Your dh sounds like he finds it so hard to see you upset and probably feels powerless. Remember, it's not you that is causing this pain. It's grief, and you both need to process what's happened. Is there a chance he could come along to a counselling session? You both need time to recover and not hide these feelings from each other. It will get better, I promise.

So ladies I got positive opk Friday.... this morning the tiniest little spotting which I come out the toilet crying hoping it was an implant bleed.... I'm I being too optimistic? On cd24.

Ladies... I’m engaged!! 😍💍
Sorry I haven’t caught up on the thread yet! Will do later tonight. Just had to share this news 💑

@hayleyfx wow congratulations that is lovely news. Gorgeous ring x

@hayleyfx congrats

❤️ yay! BD all round in celebration! Haha i mean, congratulations!

Huge congrats @hayleyfx -beautiful ring x

Thanks for the responses. Hopefully it will all settle down soon. X

Everything changes so quickly here! I do try to keep up but struggle. @mostimproved I'm keeping everything crossed for you.
@hayleyfx congratulations! How did he propose?
@laney79 sorry you're having such a hard time. It is difficult to find a safe space to grieve, I hope your dh can find the strength to support you.
So many due dates this month. My first mc would be due sometime in the middle of the month. My incredibly irregular periods make a date impossible and I'm not sure if that's worse or better. I feel like the whole month is time to grieve. It doesn't help that my work is completely awful and seemingly untenable at the moment but leaving would mean either waiting 6 months to try again or forgoing maternity pay which wouldn't be great financially. DH sats my mental health is the most important thing though which I love him for. Oh to be a man and not have all these complications!

@hayleyfx congratulations. Beautiful ring.

@MeghanV07 @Laney79 @KnitKitty @awakeatnight @mostimproved @Mistymeow thank you for all your messages. It was a weird day in the end, I felt kind of numb about it all. Was at work but had quite a productive day working on a big project, then “treated myself” to the walk home which is about an hour and helped clear my head a bit I think. Cuddling Bobo the elephant during Great British Bake Off helped too. There's no right or wrong way to feel in this crazy journey I guess. I'm hoping things will now steadily get a bit easier, focus on moving forward and getting that BFP.

@hayleyfx congratulations that's lovely news thank you for sharing with us! How did he propose?

@strawberrye glad you managed to get through the day and glad bobo is helping.
@haleyfx congrats!! How lovely
@ laney79 thinking of you
@mostimproved pretty chart but two BFN!

Weird stuff. So hospital rang and said I definitely didn’t ovulate at day 11/12 as progesterone levels were too low. Didn’t get a positive OPK til cd21 now af Is 2days late but BFN this morning. Confused and narked

Xx

Sorry for the delayed reply ladies.

A 'friend' messaged me Monday evening to say sorry for my loss, then announced on FB she was pregnant so I'm feeling pretty shitty. AF is also due and I've had pathetic spotting since yesterday which is only spotting in the mornings and then barely anything for the rest of the day only when I wipe so I'm just hoping she hurrys up... anyone else had this after their 1st MC?

Massive congratulations @hayleyfx what a beautiful ring 💞

Thinking of you @Laney79 sending you lots of love 😘 I had a massive bust up with my DH last night too, he doesn't understand why I'm envious of people who are pregnant and that I can't stop people from having babies. It's so hard when you're arguing with the person you need and love most.

How are you @mostimproved? Xxx

@Melpops36 have you calculated your AF date based on your normal cycle length or based on your normal luteal phase after ovulation? As the luteal phase remains pretty constant, if you ovulated late your cycle as a whole will be longer. EG I normally ovulate around day 13-14 and have a 12-13 day luteal phase, so my cycles are normally 25-27 days long, but if one month I ovulated on day 20 I would expect my cycle that month to be 32-33 days long. Apologies if telling you how to suck eggs!

@MeghanV07 it's so hard isn't it. My fella feels so helpless and that's what frustrates him, that and me going round and round in this hellish cycle of why,needing answers and just grief and pain.

In terms of AF -mine after MMC numbed 1 were very short, i had a day or two if spotting as you say then a very heavy day and then spotting for a day and that was it. Very strange.

@Melpops36 As @strawberrye Said id day it just might be too early. If your positive opk wasn't until cd20, then depending on usual Luteal phase length you could be looking at cd32-cd36 before af is due?

I've been back to the hospital today. Confirmed a complete miscarriage-my body let go of my Bow on its own this time. I knew it had, but obviously it's so hard to hear. My uterus is "empty" and bar a tiny bit of thickened lining there's nothing left. I asked them to check that physically there's nothing wrong with uterus/tubes/ovaries that would cause this to keep happening and they said it all looked normal.

So now I'm waiting to hear if the consultant will test me for blood issues, if not I'm going to get tested privately. I just can't do this again without an answer. My gut says blood is an issue. Even if it's proved not to be I think I need that answered first. And of course waiting for a negative test...it was a faint positive this morning, but by our terms it was still blazing -no need for squints or inverting colours. Feels so wrong to wish for a negative when all you want is a baby.

So very hard. We've agreed that unless someone gives us a very good reason why not to, we're going to start ttc as soon as we are physically/emotionally able. And I've said unless anyone gives me hard evidence of why it's a bad idea I'm taking baby aspirin from the day I get my next BFP-it's got to be worth a try in my mind if most Mc clinics prescribe is so readily.

@Laney79 So sorry for you that your baby has definitely gone, but I'm pleased for you that this all happened a bit quicker than your first as I know how long and mentally exhausting it was before. I hope that BFN doesn't take too long so you can stop testing. You're so brave. Big huddle cuddles. xxx

@mostimproved I totally get your mixed feelings at the moment. Just take each day at a time and see what happens. xxx

@loveisland I really hope it was implantation bleeding! Fingers crossed for you. Best of luck! xxx

@hayleyfx CONGRATULATIONS!!! what lovely news!

@strawberrye I'm glad you got through the day ok and had a good distraction at work.

@Melpops36 If you ovulated late it's normal that your period is late. You'll be due AF about 2 weeks after CD22/23 probably. Or, do you mean taking that into account you're still 2 days late? In which case, odd.

@MeghanV07 Yes, I started spotting before AF after MC and had never really experienced that before. Hope AF shows up soon. Sorry about your friend's announcement. Other people's BFPs are always so hard to swallow. Hugs xxx

Hope everyone else is ok today. Sending hugs to those who need some.

Hi all been away with work and now trying to catch up. Sorry for new losses that join us here, but many arrive and eventually leave with bfps so stay hopeful.

@laney79 I’m glad for you that Bow was natural it will help towards getting your body recovered and back to normal quickly.

Someone recommended the Lesley Regan book ‘miscarriage’ - she runs the specialist clinic in London, anyway I read it and it’s amazing. Full of evidenced based information that covers all types of mc and all possible causes and all possible tests. If information is a useful tool for you, then I highly recommend it.

Also, I went for my second acupuncture today and she pinned by abdomen and used a Chinese herb that she lit and held it over my stomach. When it finished burning she wrapped towels around my stomach to ‘consume the energy’. This was because about to ov, and TMI warning - I have never had ewcm before and she felt this dehydration from my ‘warm blood’ wasn’t helping me so this treatment is supposed to help by releasing everything from my Fallopian tubes. Anyway, 30 mins in the door and all of a sudden I felt wet, went to the loo, and there it was. Healthy ecwm. I’m speechless....It’s nuts... and I’m now totally convinced this is going to help.

Good luck to those also in fw.

Thank you @boboelephant @mostimproved @knitkitty. Have tickets to Michael McIntyre on Friday which I'm really looking forward to. Just need to try keep buay which is difficult when I'mjust so tired all the time. I keep having nightmares ever since the mc and so not sleeping well at all. Had quite a few people say how tired I look .........like I need reminding when I feel exhausted.

@coffeist good luck for your tww too. Fx for all of us!

@Yukka wow that sounds amazing. Very positive sign. Fx for you to get a BFP very soon!

@Laney79

I saw consultant gynae today at NHS fertility clinic, got referred back straight after mc. He won't do anything until had 3 mc's, only retest bloods and go another scan. He said that last set of results from earlier this year and straight after mc showed a 'normal' shaped and size uterus and bloods all normal. He said tubes won't be blocked because I got pregnant a few months ago. He did say though he'll write to my GP to say as soon as I'm pregnant again (because he believes I will be) for me to start taking asprin from as soon as I find out I'm pregnant. I'm sort of wanting to believe him that I will get pregnant again soon and that it will be a healthy full term one but I just don't believe him. It's like he was so optimistic ........but when i saw the gynae when I was about 7 weeks and said I was worried about mc he told me not to worry and risk was low ......and well now I'm here.

DH and I are now going to find time to book a private consultation for tests. Something must be wrong with me.

@strawberrye @knitkitty @laney79
Cycle length is normally 24 days, will be 28 tomorrow, so could be a random long cycle! You’re def not teaching me to suck eggs! I love to know as much as I can.
Having said that I’m developing some sort of OCD symptom/ temp/ cervical m tester.
I seriously think that I’m slightly insane in this TWW.
Thanks for being there. I’m thinking of all of you who have passed due date or coming up to it. If I’m honest I felt a little more peaceful afterwards. No more calendar dates to look at or scribbled our MW appointments.
Love to all xx

@indreamland I’m sorry it’s not more straightforward. I don’t imagine you’d have to break your leg 3 times before they put it in plaster. A stupid rule. I think I too would be down the private route, much love 💕

Morning all 💞.

That sounds promising @InDreamlandbut I think when you've been through that heartbreak before you find it hard to believe/trust someone. Fingers crossed the aspirin will work for you I've heard really good things about it.

@Yukkat that is amazing!!! How bizarre is that! I've always been tempted by acupuncture.

@KnitKitty Af is here, flow is normal but this ones so sore 😔 it feels like the one after I had my DS. Really bad cramping and pinching in my uterus. So a day of painkillers and hot water bottles for me. I'm glad it's here but not glad of this pain 😂.

Xxx