TTC after pregnancy loss - thread 26 - BFPs are coming!

[RedRobin7]

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Another new thread! This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle - this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Kicking off with a roll call:

RedRobin7
Age 30
TTC #1
MMC at 12 weeks in March 18
NMC at 7 weeks in July 18

Currently under a private gynaecologist and waiting for tests results. Hoping to join the TTC bus again in October.

@hayleyfx glad you're feeling a bit better and good luck for your scan. I hope it goes well and that you get good news and an answer about what's gone on. Any chance your sickness is hyperemesis?

@KnitKitty So sorry you're having such a rough time but glad your GP is supportive and that the ball is rolling on your referral. I know you're not intending to try over the next few cycles but I still hold out hope
That somehow you won't end up needing the appointments ❤️ your accpuncturist does sound so good - are you seeing her again soon?

@Russkispy I'm sorry it didn't work out this time :( fx for next time and the magic of reflexology and acupuncture giving you a well prepped system to catch and keep hold of it!

@Mistymeow how are you today? I'm intrigued about how you're feeling. Maybe a bit of a tummy bug but I'm sure we all jump to symptom spotting and related feelings!

@fnej01 so sorry for your loss and good luck with the counselling. My GP recommneded going through the miscarriage association. Apparently they have trained volunteers to speak to. I still havent got round to it. Not sure what I'm scared of - can't be as bad as the pits of doom, right?

@Melpops36 Congratulations on your scan! Not long until the next one and lots more detail!

@Angelbabyollie How are your lines looking? I hope this is your time!

And so to my news! After the fewest 'symptoms' since we started trying and tracking I got a BFP to days ago! AF due today and thus far no sign. I'm terrified but happy. And for today, at least, I am 4 weeks pregnant! Off to my mums for her birthday tonight so not sure how to play the drink avoidance. I think I'll just say we've decided not to drink in the second half of a cycle or something. After a blip and testing at 8dpo to a pure white test, I crumbled at 12dpo and got the surprise of my life. Every other cycle I've been surprised to see nothing. This time I was like - what really?!

Amazing new @awakeatnight ❤️ congratulations 😘

What were the fewest symptoms you had?

Will be thinking of you today @hayleyfx, please update us xx

@awakeatnight congrats!!

Thanks @Melpops36

@MeghanV07 it was weird - I woke up Monday (10dpo) with really bad cramp and backache. Never had that before! Looking back, maybe that was implantation? In previous cycles I've had dizzy spells and the extreme tiredness together with a prickle of nausea. None of that this time although today have had a small wave of feeling retchy. Will be taking my AF gear down to my mums just in case!

Wonderful news @awakeatnight! All fingers and toes crossed for you that this is a healthy and sticky bean! Congrats. xxx

Just a random question to those of you who have been trying for several months after MC... Do you ever find yourself questioning everything, like if all the pain and heartache and effort is worth it and maybe you're just not meant to have children?
Sounds more dramatic than it is, but my mind has been all over the place, understandably, since my 4th pregnancy loss and I've got to the point of wondering how much I really want this anymore. I think I'm just preparing myself for if the recurrent miscarriage clinic turns around and says my womb is not fit for use (this is a real possibility with uterus didelphys). I don't mean I feel sad about these feelings, I'm just getting almost indifferent to wanting to make this happen, and I'm only about 2% hopeful it ever will.
I'm rambling, so I'll shut up now. Was just curious to know if it's just me or not. I really admire those of you who are so determined and never give up hope. You're an inspiration to me.

@awakeatnight congratulations! Yay!! I am trying to hold off testing did another first response early and got the same faint line yesterday morning so thought I would wait till Sunday as don't want to be disappointed have had a headache literally 3 days and dizzyness but boobs don't feel sore - totally symptom spotting! I might cave in later and test thou ! Just everything going through my head if I am doesn't mean will come home with a baby after last time. So happy for you I love to read everyone's bfp stories xxx

@awakeatnight brilliant news! Congratulations!

Had my scan today, they couldn’t really see anything. Just a normal empty uterus, they also checked my ovaries and said all looks fine. In a way I’m actually really relieved and feeling much better now, just to be out of limbo and I was worrying myself that something awful was going on! They reckon it was an early miscarriage and my hcg levels are just taking a long time to go down. Thanks you all for your well wishes!! ❤️
It’s mine and my fiance’s anniversary today so going to have a night out, dinner and drinks!

@awakeatnight congrats! I hope it’s a very sticky bean 🤞

@KnitKitty I know what you mean, I’m starting to feel the same like I should just give up. Especially when everyone else seems to have such easy pregnancies 😔 I’m just starting to wonder how many times I can go actually go through this! That’s 4 losses now for me too it’s really hard. I hope you’re doing okay x

@hayleyfx glad all went well and you had the answers. Enjoy your night out and try to relax and have a good time!

So sorry that this has happened @hayleyfx, hope you have a lovely night with your other half

Yes @KnitKnitty - I feel like the longer this goes on for the more I’m doubting everything, e.g “what if I’m not meant to have another?” “What if this is the way it’s meant to be?”. Heading to the GPs next week as this is cycle 12 with no viable pregnancy in sight. It’s hard, so very hard. Are you under the care of RMC? Thinking of you xx

@hayleyfx I'm glad your scan gave you some answers. I'm sorry that it wasn't good news despite the odds though. My HCG always seems to drop really slowly after MC too. Sorry we're in the same boat, but I'm certain it's going to happen for you. I'll keep believing it for you until you have the strength to hope again.
It's funny, it's my anniversary with OH in 5 days. Seven years! Time flies! Have fun this evening, have a drink and focus on enjoying a night out. xxx

@Tefiti2 Sorry it's taking so long for you hun. I'm glad you're going to the GP. Yes, I'm currently being referred to the RMC, just waiting for an appointment to come through. Taking a break from TTC in the mean time.

I had my acupuncture today. It was really good. Spent a good long while going over my medical history, especially gynae history. She said my MC last month didn't really sounds like a chemical pregnancy to her, given the length of the cycle being much longer than normal, even though HCG was so low on CD34. It felt reassuring to hear that because part of me has been feeling like a fraud for being referred to the RMC because I'd been classing two of the losses as CPs and I'd got it in my head that they 'don't count' as pregnancy losses... Which obviously they do. (I think it's more a coping mechanism emotionally). But feeling less like they're going to turn me away now.
She put needles in my back and left them there for a while, and then did a couple in my feet. I guess it was just a sort of warm up/practice for when I start the treatment properly; hopefully next week.
I came out of there feeling really good. Just having someone recommend I take about 3 months off has been helpful as it's a difficult decision to take off my own back. Of course she said she wouldn't blame me if I continue trying, but generally in Chinese medicine they'd recommend taking that time off to allow the body to heal itself, so I'm feeling more positive about that too. I just hope OH doesn't mind using condoms for a while.

@awakeatnight so pleased for you! Those look like very strong lines. Wishing you all the best!

I'm not getting the pressure feeling but getting ovulation cramps every now and then, but opks are negative. I used to ovulate on cd11 and I did last month so was hoping I was going back to normal. Just sick of having irregular cycles now and cramping throughout my cycle. Sorry I'm grumpy because I also have a cold!

@hayleyfx glad the scan gave you your answers. It wasn't nice for you to be left in limbo like that, sorry that it all dragged out. Happy wedding anniversary, I hope you have a lovely evening with your partner.

@knitknitty really pleased that you had a good acupuncture session. The fact you feel more calm taking a bit of time off tells you that you need a break to recover emotionally from what has happened. Regarding the "what if it's just not meant to be" thoughts...I believe those feelings come from grief and also your upcoming appointment. Completely understandable. But looking at it logically, many, many women go on to have a child after multiple losses. Some after treatment, others from ivf, and many naturally. My friend is having a baby for her friend (her friend's egg and partner's sperm- she can't physically carry a baby). There is so much they can do. I don't believe in destiny, I believe in science and statistics. I haven't had multiple losses but we have secondary infertility and who knows if we will manage a healthy pregnancy. All I can do is keep going, and hope the treatment works, and if we have ivf, to hope that it works. That's the frustrating thing, there is very little I can do. My advice is to not get ahead of yourself, to do what's best for you and your partner to heal from your recent losses. The RMC may not say your uterus shape is an issue, they may have positive news, or treatment that can help. Worrying about what may or may not happen in the appointment is not going to help with your recovery. So glad you are taking some time out. Please take lots of care of yourself. I am so sure you are going to be a mum x

@KnitKitty I think I know what you mean. It's a tough old business this baby making. Don't give up though - your time will come and you will be an awesome mummy. I've heard the recurrent miscarriage docs can work wonders with supporting the development of a healthy pregnancy so I hope that's the case for you. Stick with the accupuncturist, she sounds awesome.
And happy anniversary too for next week! Have you got celebratory plans?

@hayleyfx I'll echo the others, sorry you didn't get a miracle but good to have an answer and not be looking at further complications. Happy anniversary. Enjoy the wine and hit up the cocktails whilst you're at it! Your time will come too.

@Mistymeow Grump away, it's part of what we're here for! Colds are rubbish.

I've just started reading this book, inspired by using fertility friend and charting and generally wanting to know more about my body (and it's wonders/weaknesses)
Her instagram is pretty interesting and she seems to be quite responsive at answering questions on relevant posts. www.larabriden.com/period-repair-manual/ some of you might find it interesting. M

@awakeatnight congrats and fingers crossed for you.

@Angelbabyollie fingers crossed for your next test too lovely.

@KnitKitty glad the acupuncture went well and you are feeling a bit better.

@hayleyfx so sorry the scan didn't show a little miracle but I'm pleased you're out of limbo now,

Sorry to not reply individually-hugs to everyone.

I've had a pretty rubbish week. Had a tough time at work. Feeling sidelined and like I'm not really sure what my role is anymore. Add to that one of my managers effectively questioning my professional standards -well I had a meltdown and ended up in tears. All that was going through my head is I should be on maternity leave.

Weds was my first little bean's due date. I got through it. Went to the cinema and some food with my fella. Just tried to distract but I couldn't help feeling sad. Lots of thoughts of what should've been.

Doesn't help my body is playing silly b**gers again. So stopped bleeding after losing bow on 6/10, BFN 14/10. Dtd for the first time last sat night and ever since I've been getting brownish spotting, like the end of AF - few bits of black brown tissue/clotty stuff but mostly light brown, grainy stuff on wiping. Thought it was AF starting but bar a few small bouts of crampy soreness, nothing. Seriously just want af to kick in, or this to stop so I can at least feel a bit more normal. I'm worried my cycles won't come back properly with my age and everything, and I just desperately want to get back to TTC. Anyone experienced similar? What happened? Xxx

Hello everyone, just checking in to let those of you who remember me from the last and previous threads know that I had a reassurance scan yesterday and all is well. I am measuring at 7w2 which is only 2 days out from my predicted dates and we saw the heartbeat. This is my only experience of a scan that hasn't involved an mmc being detected (my two previous and only other pregnancies) so it felt like a breakthrough. We are obviously still in the danger zone but this is a good start.

I can see from reading the last few pages that lots of people on here are having a hard time and I know reading these posts can be bittersweet but I hope this story of clearing that first hurdle after ttc gives a bit of hope to others who have had similar experiences to me - because I know it can feel impossible. Sending lots of love and wishing BFPs all round.

Really pleased for you @robin78 - Thankyou for the hope xxx

That's wonderful news @robin78 so very pleased for you. I hope it continues to be a healthy and happy pregnancy. X

Hi @robin78 I'm so glad you had a great scan experience. So good to see the good news stories x

@Laney79 Sorry you're having a rough time at the moment. Well done for getting through bean's due date.

@robin78 congrats on the scan. Hope things keep going well.

I've taken a turn for the worse again and keep crying all the time. I'm going back to work tomorrow which probably isn't helping as I hate it there and I'm really worried about what colleagues might say.

I'm also obsessing about the reasons for my MCs and worrying about the RMC referral. I know I shouldn't worry in advance, there's no point. But it's easier said than done.
With having the uterus didelphys I have convinced myself that I'm just not able to carry a pregnancy and am trying to prepare myself for if they tell me that. I've never really had the experience of having medical investigations done and receiving good news so I think a bit of past traumatic experiences might be coming in to play.
And we've stopped trying for now. Using condoms just feels so weird and I wasn't able to get any pleasure out of DTD the other day. Do you think this is normal?
Just feeling very isolated and sorry for myself and hating feeling this way.

I hope everyone else is doing okay? It's been quite quiet on here recently...

Hi @KnitKitty, big hug, box of chocolates and pint of wine for you tonight. I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so low. Work won't be as bad as you think. When I went back after my MMC I took a close friend aside and had a good cry with her first thing in the morning, it was good to know she had my back. You can also choose to just say you don't want to talk about it - people should respect that. I ended up telling a few of my colleagues that I'd had an ovarian growth removed because I didn't want to go in to the whole trying for a baby/bereavement side of things. I told them I found it embarrassing so wouldn't go further in to it but it had been painful and scary but I was going to be fine. Use my (it was actually my GP suggested it!) white lie if you fancy :)

Did you end up finding a counsellor? My GP (who should be knighted for her amazing service!) also recommended looking at these groups www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/how-we-help/support-groups/ if I didn't want to get private counselling. There was also a scheme available through my work, perhaps something similar is available through yours.

Condoms are defo not as good! Could you perhaps use temping to make a decent guess at when you're not fertile and just use condoms when you are?

I'm sad to hear you feel isolated. I hate the stress of feeling left behind that miscarriage causes. I know it feels that way but you're not alone and you're not being left behind. It will happen for you, and all this pain will fade ❤️

Morning ladies. Sorry not been on again for a few days, I've been finding things really hard still so struggling to be positive about anything and don't want to bring everyone else down with me. @KnitKitty I'm feeling similar. I'm 38 and feel like this is how my life will be. Forever sad and feeling like a failure for being childless and unable to either get pregnant or keep a baby alive in me. It's exhausting. Sending you lots of hugs @Laney79 sending you lots of hugs too. Glad you got through the due date but it must have been tough. I'm dreading ours in January.

@awakeatnight congratulations!

@robin78 that's great news! Fx for a continued healthy pregnancy!

@Russkispy how are you?

@zarala not seen you around for a while. Hope you're well and pregnancy going well.

@boboelephant how are you?

I'm 3 or 4dpo now. TWW is just painful. 3 weeks now until my holiday - mixed feelings as it was supposed to be our babymoon I feel like all I do is try hold back the tears. Yesterday afternoon DH and I started clearing out some boxes of just stuff in one of the spare bedrooms that was supposed to be baby's bedroom. It was strangely therapeutic. Loads still to clear but good to start on it. Might do a little more tonight.

So sorry quite a few people are feeling very down at the moment. Thinking of you.

@KnitKitty wishing you luck today. I hope it goes better than you think and the day passes quickly x

Hello ladies
I very sad to say my scan at 12 weeks revealed that my baby passed away at 9 weeks. I hope you don't mind me coming back. At the moment I'm not sure if we will be trying again or not.
I'm not sure how to manage it this time advice would be appreciated xx

@Lilimum4 I'm so sorry lovely. Thinking of you ❤️