TTC after pregnancy loss - thread 26 - BFPs are coming!

[RedRobin7]

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Another new thread! This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle - this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Kicking off with a roll call:

RedRobin7
Age 30
TTC #1
MMC at 12 weeks in March 18
NMC at 7 weeks in July 18

Currently under a private gynaecologist and waiting for tests results. Hoping to join the TTC bus again in October.

@strawberrye it's just crap isn't it? Sorry to be blunt! I feel in a total limbo where I desperately want to be pregnant but at the same time I'm so terrified of it I can't really ttc with the effort I know it needs. Maybe it sounds arrogant but the feeling of not being able to do something is totally new to me - in the past I've always just worked harder to make whatever I wanted actually happen. But this isn't knowledge or skills based and I'm floundering. We're going to Portugal which should be lovely but we're staying with friends who have kids so the reminder will be ever present. DH has decided that he'd rather we go away and 'have a holiday with no chance of a mc' (af just finished) than go to his grandma's funeral. I'm not sure that's the right decision but he's adamant. 2018 just needs to end. It feels like it's brought nothing but death.

@keebo it is totally crap and I 100% understand where you're coming from with this being the first thing you've kind of "failed" at. I'm the same, everywhere else in life I've found if you try hard enough you get results. I'm sorry you're having to deal with family bereavement on top of all of this. We're soon to go on holiday too, and I think I might need to take a break from Mumsnet, charting etc as it's really affecting my mental health now.

went to bed at 8pm, totally drained! Slept till 2am and just woke up. Diarrhea stopped yesterday lunch and I had solid stool in the evening. Sick tummy/nausea stopped some time around 4am. Think I'm back to normal?! What was that all about then?!
And sorry to hear some of you're struggling with TTC and not coping well  it's just sh1t sometimes

@Russkispy I had exactly the same as you yesterday. Can decide whether it was a big or something else? I have no idea if I've ovulated this month or what as I've tried not to as it gives me such bad anxiety temping and opk'n. So so bizarre xxx

@MeghanV07 it is really bizarre! Considering Still feeling queasy here. Looking at food makes me feel sick. Haven't eaten since Wednesday night. Just drinking water

@Angelbabyollie I'm glad you have managed to get some answers, and sorry to hear that the hospital made mistakes. Thank you for sharing. How are you getting on? The symptoms sound promising, although I also have had similar before af- she is tricksy like that! I'm on cd3 now so I'm looking forward to this cycle :)
@Russkispy and @meghanv07 that does sound promising, although it doesn't sound much fun! Keeping everything crossed x
@knitkitty glad to hear you had a good appointment with the accupuncturist. It sounds like you need to take some sort of control of your fertility- I certainly felt that way when I got referred for IVF. That there is a plan. It's reassuring and it feels good when you have someone taking care of you. I think if I were you I wouldn't think too far ahead just yet, don't put any pressure on yourself to do anything right now. Recover. And then see how you feel about ttc again.
@hayleyfx hmm I'm sorry this is still continuing. Has anyone said there is a possibility that the bleeding was something else, and you are still pregnant? Sorry I don't want to get any hopes up after what you've been through, but it just seems so odd with you getting such strong positives and now the bleeding has stopped. Have they done bloods to check levels? I would call the EPU as you are concerned about infection, and I should think the EPU can at the very least reassure you, or have you in for tests sooner. I really hope things get better soon.

Sorry to those having a rough time. I had my usual 13 dpo wobble and tears "I want a baby" to DH but realistically it could take us another year or more. CD3 now and feel better.

Hi ladies, sadly I am back to join you as I have started miscarrying today at 6 weeks. I haven't bothered going to EPU as I'd rather be at home (well I'm actually at work but going home in a couple of hours).

I feel so stupid as I went to the GP on Wednesday and told him I was pregnant, sent off my antenatal referral and got my flu jab, only to start spotting yesterday and have just passed a lot of clots and red blood so am pretty sure this is the end. Really frustrating as my thyroid results were good, TSH was 2.2, and I thought things were looking up! But I should have known, I didn't have any symptoms and I guess it was just not meant to be... again!

Apologies for not replying to everyone, I haven't kept up but will have a read through all the messages.

@mostimproved , I'm so sorry to read this! It just sucks! Look after yourself! 

@mostimproved that’s just awful. I’m so so sorry xx

@mostimproved I'm so sorry. I hope that you are mistaken. Sending you hugs and hoping you are surrounded by the support you need xx

@Mistymeow it’s definitely a possibility but just seems so unlikely after having a normal period... who knows. I’m beyond confused. Think I’ll phone EPU tomorrow as I’m pretty worried about infection. Thanks for the advice!

I’m going out of my mind here wondering what’s going on!! I’ve been confused as to why my tests are lighter or almost negative in the morning with fmu but much darker with diluted urine so googled the hook effect and gave it a try. Diluted my urine sample with about 50% water and got a strong positive! Probably the strongest one I’ve had. The hook effect is meant to happen at 6+ weeks wtf 🤦‍♀️ My mind is in overdrive. I just want to know what’s going on.

@mostimproved I’m so sorry, it’s just so unfair. I hope you’re okay. Sending love x

Diarrhea and sickness in full swing this morning and I haven't even eaten anything for the past 2 days. Am at work now and drinking peppermint tea. I do not have any explanation for this. Roll on Tuesday so I can test and have answers to it all!

@hayleyfx I think I'd call EPAU too-too many possibilities there. I'd be the same, whatever it is (and I hope it's a new bean for you with all my heart) you need to know so you can deal with it. Hugs.

@Russkispy could you have caught a bug? I think I'd have to poas-admire your restraint!

@mostimproved how are you today? I'm so sorry to hear about the bleeding xxx

Posted some of the below on another thread I'm on but just to update you on me this week...

Well this week has been pretty tough. Going back to work with the royal baby news was bloody hard.

Had a gp appt weds -some of my test results are in - apparently thyroid is good (was 1.8 earlier in the year after losing bean, 1.37 this time which is apparently exactly where it needs to be for pregnancy) no sign of diabetes or infection etc, so nothing yet to explain why I'm losing, but got to wait for the clotting/sticky blood results.

I'm also torn between desperately wanting it to be a blood issue because then we know and can treat it, and not wanting anything to be found-because if that's the case it's likely to be age/egg quality and they can't do anything to treat that.

I'm doing opks again because I have no idea what my body is up to. Bleeding stopped 6/10, BFN 14/10, so trying to figure out when I might ovulate and when AF might be due. With the two AF's After Bean I ov'd day 13/14 with a 25/26 day cycle...but who knows now. Any ideas ladies? All opks negative so far.

Sounds daft but I'm also frightened to try again-in my head nothing has changed so if I catch again it will just lead to another Mc. Something needs to change for me to have hope/faith it will work. Bonkers huh?

Got Reflexology this morning, then hair cut before my fellas mates surprise 40th birthday party. Got to try and get back to normal.

@Laney79 , I've no odd what's going on but it better be a good/positive outcome haha too early to test as it's only 8 or 9 post IUI. In the meantime I'll suffer 

Hi All,

I haven't posted on here for a few weeks, though have been reading regularly. So sorry to read of those of you with further miscarriages, I can totally feel how others feel especially @laney79 and @knitkitty. @hayleyfx - have everything crossed for you.

So a quick update from me since last post where GP had referred me after 2 mc. Found out was pregnant again, was sure this was our one. Unfortunately alarm bells started ringing last Saturday (5+2) and Monday bloods showed all not well. Thursday at 6 weeks MC began.

Sorry clicked too soon. EPAU locally have been fantastic, as the pregnancy was of unknown location, and HCG initially didn't fall quickly.

So now at the magic 3 number my plan is - take 3 months off to get my body back to baseline. The consultant at the hospital has advised this is best approach to tests, any tests so soon after m/c will not necessarily give a clear picture. TMI but we did manage to collect the tissue from this mc - so that is being sent off to Great Ormond Street for tests - totally grim to do, but got to give it a try. I plan to strong arm my GP for a referral to St Mary's, even if they can't help me, I feel passionately about being able to participate in research that might help someone else in the future. I am actually feeling quite liberated at a few months off ttc, I have had 3 mc since June so a break is definitely needed. My other half has been my rock, and so I might get my finger out and actually book our wedding in the mean time.

My heart goes out to you all on here. I work in the NHS, and the thing I have realised in this most importantly is you have to advocate for yourself in this whole process. Don't give up ladies keep fighting and lets hope we all get there.

xx

PS sorry for the multiple messages - clearly typing issues this morning :-)

@hayleyfx how are you doing, did you go to epu? It’s a bit weird but some women do have bleeeding when everything is fine.

@mostimproved really sorry to read your update :( hope your doing ok.

@laney79 it doesn’t sound bonkers, you have feel strong enough each time to deal with all possible outcomes. Good news on your initial tests though. Let’s see what bloods say xx

@fnej01 so sorry you are here again. Im glad they can test the tissue it will be helpful, and get your tests done too. I have the book of dr Lesley what’s-her-name from st Mary’s it’s really insightful.

So Af arrived overnight and I find myself sick and tired of finding silver linings. I’ve had a few meltdowns this week as I knew I had no symptoms. 5 months after mc x3 and it’s just getting harder. This is now the longest I’ve not been pregnant for in 14 months, how sad that being able to get pregnant could so quickly turn into a negative milestone.

Today’s silver linings are:
Ground zero cos it has to exist: at least I can get pregnant. Urrgh.
1.at least this month was regular, 31 days, I must have ov’d when I thought did (but countered with “so why didn’t we conceive then?”)

1. At least I’ve started daily aspirin

3.at least I will get my final results before pregnant again to confirm if i have aps

I went into a baby shop yesterday to buy gifts for my sis whose 2nd baby is due on 5th December. I can’t believe how much joy I felt buying cute clothes. My last mc due date was 8th December. Not sure what that’s going to be like... but I feel it’s important to be strong for her and not tarnish these good things with my sorrow. We live 250 miles apart so don’t see her that often which I think makes it worse.

Anyway, we just have to keep swimming. We’ve taken this week off work, a break will be good.

@mostimproved devastated for you, sending hugs

@Yukka I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling fed up, but that's totally understandable! I totally hear what you're saying about being sick and tired of trying to find silver linings in a shit situation.

AF arrived for me today too and I'm finding just recently I've been having more bad days than good emotionally. I have finally started the ball rolling with getting some counselling and have decided to pack in the temping, tracking CM and OPKs. It's all made fuck all difference so far and I have just about given up. I feel I am going to step away from the thread this cycle as I can't contribute anything positive.

Thinking of you @hayleyfx and @KnitKitty, hope your holiday has been wonderful @boboelephant.

@strawberryre don’t feel you have to step away. We can’t always be positive. It’s great to have a safe place to rant. This is a tough journey and if we only posted positive things it might make people think they’re the only ones feeling crap. I love all the messages. Positive, negative and in between. We all go there. Much love.

Morning ladies.

Sorry to read so many of you are having a tough time - @strawberrye @keebo. Love and hugs to you all.

@mostimproved

@Russkispy fx for you!

Nothing must really to update here. Last 2 weeks I've been a mess, keep getting really tearful randomly like a lot. Had anothwr counselling session and it's good to know it's ok to not be ok. Called the private clinic who were very honest with me and said that the tests they do are all for fertility and when I told them what I'd had with NHS already they said not to waste my money on the same tests with them, especially as I got pregnant 6 months ago. They don't do reasons for mc tests so can't gelp there. Only thing they can really do for us is if we decide on IUI or IVF with them then they can book us in for an initial consultation with a test for number of eggs which I've not had yet. Still waiting for appointment for a scan on NHS. I'm now on CD13 and 3rd day of flashing smiley. Just counting down now to our holiday, we need the break. I'm quite worried about DH as he seems to have been really down at times too the past couple of weeks - he admitted all the mc and TTC stuff has been emotionally draining.

@strawberrye I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. It is emotionally draining and a constant niggle in the back of your mind even on those (rare) occasions when you manage to concentrate on something else. If you need to step away from here then do, but know that we do understand how you feel and are here when you need us. I've never tracked anything despite it taking over 1yr to conceive the first time. DH and I decided that would be too stressful and would put additional pressure on us both. I think we are still clinging to the fairy tale that one day it will all just happen...
@fnwj01 sorry you're back here after an emotional summer. Sounds like you have found some thoughtful doctors though who will look after you not just your symptoms.
@yukka silver linings are great to think about. Being grateful for what we do have can improve outlooks tremendously. You sound so thoughtful towards your sister, I imagine she feels awkward about havibg such close due dates too. I've just found out that a friend is pregnant and due in March when I would have been. She knows about both my mc but didn't want to tell me she was pregnant because it's awkward timing. Although I was shocked at first, I'm now delighted for her and striving to make her feel ok about it too. Who knows how I'll be by March though...
@InDreamLand you seem a lot more positive than you have before which is great for you. I'm thinking of getting some counselling too, mostly to help think out the future. I have til next Wed to decide whether to stay in my job. It's such a had decision because I was promoted in the summer and love to new parts of my job but find the main parts (which are still the same) hugely stressful which I know isn't helping with ttc and keeping it. But if I leave I have to find another job and my track record at that is pretty horrendous plus we'd either have to forgo mat leave pay (fingers crossed it happens properly next time) or wait to ttc until March after my 3 months notice and 3 months in a new job. Urgh. I hate decisions. DH thinks I should leave, it turns out he's been really worried about me since Aug but not telling me. I feel like I should leave to acknowledge his wishings too but the uncertainty of the future is too stressful. Thinking of fairy tales, I wish I had a fairy godmother to manage it all for me.

I am confused once again stupid body!!! After spotting then bleeding 20 days last month counted cd1 from heavy bleed so now cd 21 yesterday had pink cm and cramps today on right side feels like bruised inside did ppl and second line is fainter, cervix high don't know if open as never can tell that and some brown cm any ideas??? Xxx

Supppsed to say opk!! Not ppl!