Hello Ladies, I’ve been awol for a while after being away. The thread has moved quickly!
@beanhunter – I really hope that things are okay, the numbers are sounding positive. It’s horrible though. I really felt for you being away when you started bleeding.
@AnneLovesGilbert and @Miami89 – wow – lovely reading the thread! Things sound really positive for you both now! Massive congratulations to keeponrunning85 too! I know I’ve not been around for long, but it’s still lovely to read about a birth after rmc.
I sadly do not have a happy update here. AF was due in the holiday and didn’t arrive, I suspected that I might have fallen before it was due, even though we only dtd twice in fertile week, I didn’t have any expectations for this month though. However the boobs were tingling and heavy, I had that ‘pregnant’ feeling and suspected that I might be. I went to the local farmacia and got a bfp result mid-way through the holiday to confirm. Surreptitiously switched my drinks to low-alcohol/alcohol free versions, as we have been away with DHs family.
I was cautious about the bfp, as you all know – you never get excited now with positive pregnancy result after rmc. I thought I would deal with the positive outcome when I got home, and ‘put it on hold’ in my mind.
We arrived home yesterday, and tentatively forming plans to go to the doctor and organise early scans etc. as I am not under a rmc clinic. I started bleeding this morning before work.
I have to say, even though I didn’t get my hopes up and thought I was being neutral (in my mind) – this really has knocked me for six. I am absolutely heart broken. This is happening to me again. I’m currently keeping my head down, busying myself at work, and not talking to many people. But I was absolutely distraught this morning in a way that surprised me.
I feel awful. I frightened my daughter before nursery – I don’t think she’s seen me so upset. DH had to go to work. I went to work. I’ve traumatised everyone.
I only got to 5 weeks – it never got going. But why? What is wrong with me? Last night before the bleed, we dared to hope this might be the one. A small glimmer of ‘this is the one, this time’.
I know I have not processed it properly yet – but it’s I’m going to take a break. I have to. I was very fragile after the last mmc – perhaps it was stupid to ttc again so soon. After 4 mmc under a year, it is also time to finally see a doctor which I feel irrationally worried about. I worry about the reasons they will give me, or I face the fact that I’m infertile. I have been sticking my head in the sand and hoping I’ll get lucky, and everything will work out.
I’m not sure if the doctor will even take me seriously. Of the 3 previous mmc they only know about 2. I’ve not ‘reported’ it this time or the other 5 week mmc.
It is also time to see a counsellor. I’ve never broken down in front of my DD before. This morning was unlike anything before. I have sobbed, and cried and cried this year – but never like this, and NEVER in front of my daughter. I feel like a terrible mother, I’ve never felt so down.
From reading this thread - I am in awe of what you have all gone through, and still going through whilst working, looking after your families and dealing with the consequences of RMC. I don’t know how you do it. Currently, I quite simply can’t.
I’m going to take a break from the thread for a while, and get my head together. I need to discuss with DH what our next steps are, we haven’t spoken with us all rushing back to work this morning.
I’m so sorry as you’ve all been so lovely and kind. You all seem to be going through such a positive time too! I’m so pleased for you all, you know this is a rough time, and you should be looking after yourselves.
Hopefully I'll be back soon 
xxx