TTC after pregnancy loss- thread 23 🐧🐧

[Boboelephant]

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Here's the new thread. This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle- this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Kicking off with a roll call:

Boboelephant
Age: 35
TTC #2
DS 2.5
MMC at 10 weeks in December 2017. Ectopic rupture in November 2016.
Cycle 6 post MC. Trying since September 2016.

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@TedLife i have never really minded letting select people know before 12 weeks. I figured what will happen will happen regardless of who i tell. We only told close friends and family, people that i would be comfortable knowing about a mc if it happened. As a result when mc did happen i had support from people. I didn't need to ask for it or pretend anything.
I also figured that I wouldn't want to hide something like that to people that are closest to me.
I also have to tell work due to my job, so I also had support there too, and when I was off a few days, people where understood why.
A large part of me feels everything re mc is private matter so i wouldn't shout it from the rooftops, however i do remind myself to not be ashamed of it. Sometimes there is a fine line between hiding it for privacy or embarrassment/shame etc. Both at the time or in the months after.
Next time i plan to not tell people for a while but I probably won't wait till 12weeks.
However despite all of the above, i still felt like the only person in the world who really understood how I felt.
Although my husbands brother and partner had mmc and my colleague had two as well as another colleague who is on maternity. So having people who had also experienced it around me,definitely helped.

I really tried not to ramble on there, sorry.

@Lilimum4 i agree, I think people don't always understand because its not talked about.
I definitely didnt fully understand what women go through before I experienced it myself.

Its true, when you have a mc it opens a secret underworld of women who have also had the same. Its sad its not spoken of more.

@InDreamland Im so so sorry for your loss, and that you feel so sad. It's understandable.
It will get better in time even though it doesn't feel like it, the pain will
ease, and it certainly doesn't mean a little bean isnt in your future.
Just take one step at a time.
And it wasnt your fault. Dont blame yourself.

@RedRobin7 Im am truly sorry for everything. Im thinking of you and hope the pain eases soon and you can start to feel a bit better.
Im not sure about the ectopic part, id assume they would have checked all with scan. Xx

Hi ladies, sending lots of love and hugs to those of you in need at the minute.

I'm just back from the docs, have a nasty case of septic tonsillitis and what looks like early signs of a quinsy I've been given 7 days of penicillin and assured that it is not harmful in pregnancy, I've also been having to take paracetamol even though I was loathe to!

God it's got me so worried! I'm at the midwife tomorrow so hopefully that will put me at ease.

The doctor I saw today was lovely. I'd never met her but the first thing she did was ask how I was as she knew I'd had a really tough time this past year which was lovely! X

@russkispy @boboelephant @jessabean (and everyone else - sorry so many to mention) thanks for the supportive comments. Hopefully over time i may sound less irrational but I just cannot understand or believe why this has happened to us. We had been having investigations due to how long it was taking us to get pregnant and for the most part we're both healthy and it's unexplained although the second round of tests I had think I wasn't ovulating as much and d something to do with progesterone levels (I was told this after BFP so didn't take too much notice). I just feel so numb and emotionally exhausted.

@russkispy I cannot imagine how you must have felt going through all of that. It's sounds absolutely hideous and like hell on earth. Hope you can recover from that ordeal as quickly as is possible.

I'm so sorry to read about everyone's experiences and going through equally hellish times. Wishing everyone happier times ahead x

@Tedlife I can absoutely see what you're saying and think that if it's right for someone to tell purple they're in the early stages of pregnancy then they should feel able to without hesitation. For me I'm torn, I only told my parents, sister, best mate, my closest work colleague and my boss because I needed some support but where I work I don't like being the subject of office gossip and that's what would happen and if the worst happened - which in my case it has - then I don't want the world and it's mother knowing and I want to choose who knows and ask them to not discuss it with those who don't know. If others work in an environment they feel more confortable sharing than i do though they absolutely should. DH and I agreed that if everything was ok after the 12 week scan that we'd tell people when we saw them but nothing would go up on social media. I guess given our struggles we wanted to keep things as private as we possibly could and just share the experience with those closest to us. I do agree though that telling people before 12weeks should not be taboo, I felt certainly that I had to tell a few select people before then and I did swearing them to secrecy.

Those Miscarriage Association leaflets are good, I might send to my boss and ask him to give them out to a few people at work. I work very closely with a lot of people and they will be asking after me - some will be told the very sad radon for my absence when I'm ready and before i return to work. Hopefully it will help them to understand and know what to say and what not to say. Interestingly my parents said things they thought were helpful but were not and are on the list of what not to say...........

Thanks for posting those links @KnitKitty - really wish I had those when I miscarried. My mother literally said everything on the "Things not to say" list and i found it so hard to explain to her why it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Even yesterday she told me a story about how she met a lady in the chemist who had two young granddaughters with her and she was telling me how sad she felt and how beautiful they were... I had to comfort her over her not having any grandchildren
I had been on the Miscarriage Association website but didn't see these sadly but they would have been a help!

My EPU were useless though, they gave me a couple of leaflets, (one with a photocopy of a leaflet too) but no real advice on how to move forward.

@MrsLCW so sorry you're feeling so rough, sounds like you're really going through the wringer with this. Wishing you a speedy recovery, i'm sure it's a really miserable time for you right now - come spend a little while back in the huddle!

Thanks @TedLife ...

I had the same with my Mother in Law, she told me losing Penny "was the worst grief she had ever experience as not only had she lost her granddaughter but she was also spending so much time worrying about me and hubby" 🙄🙄🙄

Oh my goodness MrsLCW & TedLife I hope these were just blips and your Mother/MiL aren't usually so lacking in empathy!!
KnitKitty those leaflets are really useful, thank you :)

@Russkispy @Russkispy I am sorry for your loss but wanted to say hi As I am also 42 also and desperately ttc again but am in same space as you as natural or ivf as it's 79 days since lost my boy and no signs of af yet. My angel baby which was a mmc and my full term angel boy with trisomy 21 who died at 12 days. Before my mmc I never experienced any issues as I have 3 girls or anything as grim as this until my little boy who passed away in my arms. I am to be honest hoping to conceive before first af but don't know if possible. How long since your mmc? I hope your doing ok I know it's really hard. Sending you love and positive thoughts xx

Those leaflets are really good. I certainly heard a number of the what not to say ones myself but thankfully they didn't effect me to much I realised that people were just not sure what to say and that they were trying to be nice.

Hopefully this will cheer a few of you up... I have just been out for a little lunchtime stroll and have seen a number plate which had the initials Jks at the end of course my eye was drawn to it. Wish I was in fw as clearly would have been a sign. Only 5 days until af due so may have to jks for fun instead .

@angelbabyollie, thank you! I don’t even know how to count mmc. Saw a heartbeat when 5w6d on 7/6/18. No heartbeat at 8w2d. But they sai pregnancy stopped at 6w2d. Around 10/6/18 or so. Had a D&C on 29th, I’d have been 9 weeks then. Once tomorrow’s test is negative, we will start naturally and see what happens. As I’m all too new to silent miscarriage, dont even know how long before my AF turns up. Just waiting time and will DTD in the meantime. So sorry to hear about your losses. Can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through! And as time is not on our side, makes it even harder 😢😢

@Kintan lol my MIL deffo is that bad, she told DH he should have his bit felt with so we can't make anymore mistakes. Needless to say I no longer speak to her

Opps lol I Kent bit delt with ( bloody auto correct )

For goodness sake try again
Bits delt with

OMG @Lilimum4 I can't believe that! Amazing how some people treat family...

@Blondcat lol! Hopefully that's a sign for the next cycle

I'm CD14 and opk gave me my first flashing smiley this morning so ovulation is hopefully imminent. Still following SMEP, really hoping things go our way this month.

@Russkispy I'm so sorry you had to go through that. That's awful. Especially when it's such an impossibly hard time to begin with. I hope you get your negative hpt tomorrow and can start moving forward.
@RedRobin7 how are you feeling now hun?
@KnitKitty thanks for those. Very helpful! How are you doing?
@YellowDaffodils86 how are you hun?
@MrsLCW sorry you're having such a tough time! I can't believe what your MIL
said. You too @TedLife and @Limum4. That's shocking. People definitely have said the wrong things to me but nothing like that!
@Blondcat haha JKS! I think it's defi a sign that you should just for fun!
We can't as we're getting DH swimmers tested so it's just sitting around waiting here and hoping the witch stays away! Starting to get very nervous!!!!

As if the PR gods heard me yesterday, this story is in the Daily Mail today: www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5943829/Why-weve-decided-tell-story-terrible-trauma-lives.html

I apologise so much for the DM link but the story is important. It's a new campaign from Tommy's to recognise baby and pregnancy loss. So needed.

@Boboelephant Thank you for asking. I'm in a lot of pain, mostly on one side and it's gone through to my back. I've been trying to nap but it's keeping me awake. I've got to go to the hospital for bloods again tomorrow morning so I might ask to be seen at A&E if this pain continues. I'm really not sure one sided is okay... even if the EPU insist it's not an ectopic.

My sister is coming home from hospital today so tomorrow I will ask her husband to tell her our news after she's had a good nights sleep. I know she will be devastated for me that I lost my baby whilst she was in labour. I've decided to go ahead and meet my nephew at the weekend. There's no point putting it off. I'm excited to meet him but worried about crying so it's bittersweet.

I'm sorry I've not been keeping up with all the posts and how everyone else is doing. Are you due to test soon?

@TedLife thankyou for that link.
I thought this sentence was perfect-

'We need to get to the point where we can stop apologising for pregnancy loss being a difficult subject. We need to normalise it so those affected aren’t so isolated in their grief.'

I've had such a strange day today where loss has been surrounding me. I was walking along and saw a pregnant woman and my heart sank. I still struggle daily with this but I usually just avert my eyes from the belly and I'm ok. This really made me instantly sad today and stayed with me. I was thinking about how much I wanted to be pregnant and hoping for all the sickness etc that came with it. A few minutes later I saw someone who I know who two weeks ago was 6 months pregnant. She just had a stillbirth and my heart broke for her. Then I've read these stories and I'm so sad for us all but amazed by the strength of women who have to endure this jackpot that is pregnancy and childbirth. I don't know what my point is, it's just felt like a profound day.

@RedRobin7 oh you poor love. I'm sure physical pain and worry are the last things you need on top of your emotional pain. I wish I could take all your pain away. I am guessing (as I had no symptoms and erpc) so could be wrong but some ladies said when they were miscarrying naturally it felt like labour with contractions. The one sided pain with back pain does sound like contractions. I hope they give you the all clear tomorrow so you can stop worrying and grieve your little bean. Definitely go to A&E though if you feel you want to. I can't imagine being in your situation with your sister. I'm glad you're meeting your nephew and I'm sure you will feel so much love for him. But don't feel bad for crying, no-one will begrudge you for that. Sending you lots of positive strong supporting thoughts.
Yes I'm due to test tomorrow so am feeling terrified.

So still no period here, 3 days late... Im now obsessed with searching for stories about people who were pregnant but never got positive tests!!! 🙄
I need to step away from google!!!!
Although cake didn't you only get a late positive if I remember correctly.....?
#clutchingatstraws

@redrobin7 if you are in a lot of pain then do see someone at A&E as they may be able to give you pain relief if this is usual pain or reassure you but sorry you are having to experience this. I had an MMC and a D&C so I too didn't experience pain in the same way.
My sister had a 3 week old little boy when I miscarried. I had already met him when I was pregnant and we had had the chat about how they could be little friends and my Mat leave would overlap with my sister's (as it did with our first two who are 5 days apart) but sadly it was not meant to be this time round. When I held my nephew after my loss, it was sad yet comforting at the same time. I knew I had a whole lot of love to give my nephew and be the best auntie anyone could wish for and I also knew that I had more love to give in the future when my baby comes. I had a little cry and I still do when I see my son with his baby cousin but it's ok to cry. Thinking of you and hoping that the pain subsides soon.

@weasledee what CD are you? Are you 100% sure when you ovulated? What are you basing AF due date on? Hope it's good news for you. Cake did get her bfp at 15dpo. 🤞

I got that really strong ovulation stick on the Tuesday two weeks ago, so that puts me about 15 DPO. My app says I was due on Monday....

@weasledee I'm trying to clutch at straws with you. I remember your super strong opk now but can't remember what time you took it. As you can ovulate 48 hours after opk is it possible you ovulated Thursday? Your app is also giving you a very short luteal phase of 10/11 days. Have you been recording for awhile? How long is your luteal phase usually? Maybe you're 14dpo and will get your bfp tomorrow! POAS Friday!!

@RedRobin7 sorrry this hasn't been the most straightforward process for you either- it makes it all just that little bit more rubbish than it already is. If I was you and your not coping with the pain I would ring EPU again and just stand your ground and say that your not coping with the pain and mention that it's one sided which is worrying you & they should ask you to come in to check you over. As @Boboelephant said it could well be contractions. I had quite bad contraction like pains with my first natural mc and they were a bit on one side- but then I did also have a cyst then so could have been that. Obviously saying that do go to A&E if either the bleeding is profuse or the pain is really excruciating for immediate management but they will usually eventually then refer you to EPU for any further investigations and management so in terms of getting things checked and done quicker they would otherwise be the best place to turn to I would say. Saying that I know not all EPU's are 24 hours/some services run differently in different areas. I hope this all settles down for you soon though. 🐧

Sorry I've been quiet. Having a difficult time again. UTI is back for third time now in a month. I also have flu and now a bad chesty cough. Not had a cold for a long time! Feeling crap all over really. Went to a third gp yesterday as can never get the same one. She is taking it further. Gave me antibiotics for 7 days this time. Examined me and took a swab. Sent urine and swab for tests. 1st time test result is mia. 2nd said clear but actually showed white blood cells but no-one told me. This time showing white blood cells too. I have a phone call appointment with her tomorrow. If clear again I will be sent for ultrasound to find out what is going on. Feeling worried. What if this is something bad. What if I can't have kids now? Sorry freaking out atm. Still no af obviously too. Anyone had a similar experience?