TTC after pregnancy loss- thread 23 🐧🐧

[Boboelephant]

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Here's the new thread. This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle- this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Kicking off with a roll call:

Boboelephant
Age: 35
TTC #2
DS 2.5
MMC at 10 weeks in December 2017. Ectopic rupture in November 2016.
Cycle 6 post MC. Trying since September 2016.

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Hi Kintan sorry you find yourself here. Hugs. I bled for about 2 weeks after ERPC, had my first negative test 4 weeks after ERPC and took 39 days to get first AF. Don't think I ovulated at all that cycle, but the next cycle I was back to normal.

Hi TheHalfBloodPrince Good name. Big Harry Potter fan. :)
Sorry for your loss. Best of luck this cycle.
I had MMC in March. I was also pressuring myself to be pregnant before October. Last month I took a break from TTC and focused on myself and getting my mental health back on track. I decided I needed to let go of the need to be pregnant before a certain time and I've felt more at peace now I've allowed myself more time for it to happen.

Congratulations MisBit1!!!

Sorry you're struggling Bobzybaby Good luck for Friday. The spa sounds lovely!!
Good luck also to Boboelephant (and anyone else doing POAS Friday!) I really hope all these symptoms you have are being caused by a little bean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TinyPaws Best of luck with the IUI and TWW!!! Fingers tightly crossed for you!!!

charlyn sorry about your ectopic. best of luck with TTC again. xxx

doddlebobs it is always tough when you talk to someone who's expecting, especially when it's at the same time as you were. xxx

RedRobin7 Just sending some more hugs xxx Very bitter sweet becoming Aunty at this difficult time. xxx Sorry about the scan. I'm glad you're taking some time off. xxx

hellotoyellow Aww, sometimes you just need a good cathartic cry!! And gin. Cheers!

Laney79 and GPS76 Good luck with your TTW.

Hugs UnicornsandRainbows1 anniversaries are so difficult. xxx

weasledee sorry about BFN and no AF. :(

Fae1989 I know what you mean, it is hard to keep up sometimes! Hope you're doing ok. We're here if you need us.

Hugs Lilimum4

There's a lot of you in the middle of the huddle today!

TedLife you bring up a subject I've pondered a lot about myself.
I'm still on the fence as to if I want to announce it earlier next time due to having MC before.
I totally agree with you that people don't seem as bothered when you're announcing a pregnancy that you've already lost; it's like it never happened for them. It's one of the things I find hardest, actually, is I never got that excited moment of announcing my pregnancy before losing it.
But even though I've thought a lot about it, I still can't make my mind up about how I'll approach it next time.
I do talk openly about my MC though and I have found it's meant I have amazing support from the people I tell. Everyone at work knows and it's not a taboo subject so they don't feel awkward talking to me about it and I find that really comforting and helpful.

Hi InDreamLand I'm so sorry you're going through this. That wait between scans is horrible. There's nothing I can say right now to make you feel better. You just have to feel the pain right now and let yourself have a good cry and let yourself grieve. You will begin to feel better over time, but it will take time.
You have done nothing to deserve this. No one deserves this.
Please look in to signing up for counselling to help you cope in the next few weeks. Hugs. xxx

Hello lovely ladies, can I join you please
Me 42 with DD of 13 months, conceived with IUI, first successful round. Very lucky!
May 2018: another IUI. Successful. Saw heartbeat at 5w6d. And I thought I was 7 weeks. Rescanned at 8 weeks, no heartbeat. Pregnancy stopped just after the first early scan. Missed miscarriage as had no signs, no bleeding etc. had a D&C a week after the second scan. We definitely decided to TTC again. And because of my ancient age (will be 43 in April), we really need to get going. But where to start. And how? Naturally? Or IUI again? Has anybody on here conceived before your first period after MC? Or did you wait for AF first? I tried to read about MC and it stills feels foreign to me.
I quickly read some of your posts and can see you’re all at different stages of TTC. Need your advice on TTC after MC. And I’m sorry some of you had BFNs and some ended in MCs! It’s all very horrible and unfair but must stay strong and keep going as the battle is not over yet. Congratulations to some of you with BFPs, here to yiur healthy pregnancies. I just didn’t know where to turn after my missed MC until a lady from the other thread suggested this thread and you all seem so lovely and supportive! Thank you!

@Russkispy welcome and I'm sorry for your loss.
As to your question about TTC after mc. I waited one AF after all my MCs just for dating purposes. But there is no rule that says you have to wait at all.
The lady that pointed you in this direction was right this group is so supportive. We are all here for each other because the losses are terrible to go through alone and TTC is hard and can be stressful. Here we all understand and can speak (type) freely and ask questions and offer support to each other. I hope this group can give you some comfort. Xx

Thanks everyone for your warm welcomes and kind comments. As much as i love those closest to me I don't think any of them truly and fully understand what I'm going through or feeling right now. My DH is probably closest to how I feel as it was his baby too and obviously we've been on this long 5 year journey together but ultimately it's my body and I'm so scared of what is next to come the day of and following the scan. I'm not yet ready for counselling but when the time is right I will look into it. I just feel so hopeless, useless and a total failure. I just don't understand how this is happening to us - I'm active, fit and have a (slightly unhealthy) obsession for nutritious balanced meals. I was taking folic acid before we conceived and the day
after we got the BFP I went straight onto pregnacare and reduced everything I should limit. I don't drink or smoke anyway. I feel like I've done everything right yet or takes us 5 years to get pregnant only to lose our baby. I just can't get my head around it when I'm surrounded by people at work who are very unhealthy who seem to just get pregnant straight away and breeze through to a full term pregnancy. Why?

Thank you @Lilimum!
@indreamland, I’m so sorry to hear about it! I just can’t imagine how you feel but we’re all here to support you! Big hugs 🤗

It's interesting you bring that up tedlife. I generally told close family and friends when it turns out our bean had already passed by that point. Second time I kept it quiet just purely because I needed to do my own thing and no one was particularly helpful during my mmc. That then ended in another mmc anyway after a good looking scan, then people found out anyway (it was coming up to the Christmas period and I just couldn't do it myself). I actually felt weirdly guilty towards that baby as no one was really around to enjoy their short existence but I was just trying to protect everyone really. This time round I was very non-plused about it, again close family and friends knew, I just assumed it would be mmc no. 3 and so I just got to a point where I didn't care about anyone else's feelings tbh. Pretty selfish I guess but I just needed to have people on my side if anything did happen, but understood that I was wanted to get on with it without any questions.

I never really knew of the statistics to begin with. I certainly didn't think it'd happen twice in my stupid naive state (but I think that's down to trying to stay positive). There shouldn't be a time limit on when to tell people really. There are so many variables with these things.

Morning ladies - need some advice from any of you who might have had an ectopic. So as you know I had a scan yesterday which confirmed miscarriage... I've been heavily bleeding with clotting since Monday and this morning I've woken up with stabbing pains in my right side which I know is the side I ovulated on. Is it possible to have an ectopic if I'm bleeding heavily?? I just don't understand why the pain is suddenly appearing. Will call the EPU once it opens at 8:30.

@Laney79 thankyou! I hope so!
@GPS76 Did you end up with a static smiley? Is your chart still saying you've ovulated? I tend to believe bbt over opk so maybe you're further than you thought! Want to post your chart?
@UnicornsandRainbows1 I'm sorry yesterday was so hard for you. Hope today is better 🐧❤
@weasledee and @Limum4 sorry for bfns. I agree it's so cruel when it's a bfn and then af doesn't arrive. Sending you both 🐧 cuddles.
@RedRobin7 oh hun, I'm so so sorry you are experiencing this again. It's just not fair. Take as much time as you need and get the support you need. We are all here for you when you are ready xxx
@TedLife you should absolutely be able to tell whoever you want whenever you want. As everyone else has said no-one should feel alone and MC and EP are awful and common and heartbeaking and if they happen that's when we need the support! So many ladies here say how useful we all find this thread and i think it's because of a common understanding. So I agree that helping more people understand can only be a good thing.
@InDreamland I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Its so cruel. As the others have said, do whatever you need to do for now and seek out some support when you're ready and surround yourself with people that you love. We're all here for you and please know you did nothing to deserve this. It's just not as simple as healthy life= healthy pregnancy. It will happen! But it's ok to feel very ripped off as it's not fair.
@Bobzybaby sorry for bfn but fx for tomorrow! Hope you had a relaxing evening!
@KnitKitty thanks hun, fingers crossed!
@Russkispy welcome and I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't wait and we started trying straight away. Unfortunately 7 months later we're still trying. I have seen a few ladies on here get pregnant without an af although not not super common. Although alot seem to get pregnant within 3 months. Medically wise, the doc told me there is no reason to wait if you're ready.

@redrobin7 when I was scanned to confirm MC, there was something in one of the tubes. I had no other symptoms of an ectopic. They took it very seriously though and I had to stay in for 2 nights in case it ruptured.

I would've thought that they'd have checked when they scanned you. It can't hurt to call them though to check. They may want to er on the side of caution like they did with me.

I hope they are able to suggest something for the pain at the very least. Sending virtual hugs. Xx

@RedRobin7 might be a difficult question what could they see on the scan lovely. During my last mc I had pain on my left side. It lasted just a day and then the bleeding slowed down. Please let us know

Morning.

It seems like it's hugs needed all around at the moment 🐧

@RedRobin7 I'm so sorry. I know you were expecting it from the scan but that doesn't make anything any easier. Take all the time you need to heal. Although part of me has wanted to get pregnant straight away after this last mmc in March if I'm being honest it's taken me a good 3 months to actually be ready mentally again. There's no fixed timeframe for this just do what is right for you & definitely take all the time from work you need. I hope the physical side of things goes as smoothly as possible. Totally understand you taking a break from here while you're healing but am here if you want advice or to chat- feel free to pm me.

@InDreamland I know life can be cruel sometimes but the hardest thing with all of this is that it's usually nothing that any of are or aren't doing & your certainly not to blame. Have you or your partner had any investigations at all? Given your long wait before conceiving you would definitely be referred if you asked your GP. Might help to try and get some answers and an idea of where to head next. I can't imagine your heartache. I hate the whole people wanting to know your business reproductively. I've started telling people who ask these kind of (though usually unintentionally) insensitive questions about my mc history just because I think it's the only way people will learn that this shuts hard, you don't know what a woman is going through & that it can be hurtful. Maybe a little bit of it is to shut them up as well...

@TedLife I totally agree with you. I happened to be in a situation where my first pregnancy we told all family and close friends as I was pregnant over Christmas & New year & would have been obvious with not drinking. Then I miscarried between Christmas and New Years & so had to untell everyone almost immediately. But because it was so nice having everyone's support the first time we told most people the second time as well that I was pregnant & miscarried. Now though I think I'm going to be more selective in who I tell. Some friends have been more supportive than others - this process has really shown me who my friends are! But saying that if the subject came up with whoever I'd be honest with everything. The harder thing is the expectation from society to keep quiet about it. Like do you tell work colleagues etc.. feel there's so much more pressure there to keep quiet about it all.

@RedRobin7 I think calling the EPU is a good idea but I'm pretty sure you're not having an ectopic as they would have seen it in your tube on your scan yesterday. I actually never bled with my ectopic or my MMC but you can bleed if it ruptures. BUT they definitely would have seen that yesterday and they do not mess about with EPs. Also rupture pain is indescribable- you'd be on the floor in agony. I hope it's nothing more serious and hope the pain passes soon. Do call the EPU though. Thinking of you.

@Lilimum4 They just said they can only see retained product and that I'd already passed most of it. They did take a blood test and I have to return tomorrow for another so they can rule out ectopic since they never saw the pregnancy. It's all a bit confusing really. Will ring them anyway just in case. My DH has told work he can't leave me today which is good.

@Daffodil77 I'm really confused why they're doing a blood test to rule it out and why it wasn't checked on the scan. I had an internal scan - would that have picked it up?

Thank you @boboeleohant. I never had a MC never mind a missed one. And when i had the second early scan and they told me and told to call EPU next day. Went there to reconfirm and scheduled a D&C a week later. And that’s what happened on the day 2 weeks ago: “If I tell you how the morning went in the EPU, don’t think you’ll believe me! Hopefully nothing like that happened to you if/when you had your D&C!
We came in just before 8am, got prepped and sat in the cubicle in my gown, waiting to be taken to the theater. I had all tests and swabs done, signed all the forms, the anaesthetist came in, briefed me etc. and I was told we would go for the op shortly. And only then around 10am, the registrar came in, with my notes, asked about my scan from Monday. Off she went and came back and said: I’m really sorry but we can’t D&C on you today! The consultant who scanned you on Monday should have never scheduled your op today! Looking at your scan, your fetal pole is not even 7mm long, and under the National guidelines, we can’t op on you! She said, we schedule another scan in a week! And only then perform D&C if non viable pregnancy. WTF, I was screaming like mad!! As if my embryo would fucking spring back to life from the dead! When it stopped at 6 weeks on the 8th June! and I was supposed to be 9 weeks today!! Are you fecking kidding me! How 2 consultants on Monday never told me about those fecking guidelines! It was only measured 5.6! Told her he squeezed us in for today especially as we’re flying away on Sunday. And if they didn’t op today and something happened while away, that would have been their responsibility!, I lost my cool at that point, and my DH too! She then went to see her boss who happened to be in today, lucky me! came back and said he ok-eyed it! By then I was in bits! Stress level through the roof and then she took me to the theatre! But then my hospital number didn’t much the paper work! What a shambles! I tried to stay calm! Suffice to say, it was all done and I’m home now. I’ll be writing a complain and go public with it! How can they let this happen! As if I wasn’t going through enough traumatic times! incompetence of the senior consultant was absolutely bang out of order and very upsetting to us! Especially to me as you can well imagine!”
Nobody, absolutely nobody should go through this madness and hopefully none of you did!
Hospital told me to take a pregnancy test 2 weeks later which is tomorrow and if shows positive to call EPU. Hope it’s negative and I can lose the chapter and move on.

@RedRobin7 that's good at least your not alone. Please let us know what they say.
Wish I could do something to help you. I'm sending you healing thoughts and I'm sure the rest of the huddle is too x we are here if you need us

@redrobin7 I would've thought it should show it up but perhaps not 100%. I had blood tests 48 hours apart to check the HCG levels were dropping. I assume if they don't it's a sign of ectopic.

@Russkispy omg I'm so sorry for your loss and the hell you went through. That was appalling. Sending you hugs x

EPU Just said take paracetamol and see how I go... if it carries on then go to A&E 🙄

@RedRobin7 thanks I think maybe you should do that and as hard as it is maybe have a selfish take care of you day and do what ever makes you feel a little better. I'm so sorry hun devastated for you xx

@RedRobin7 I had to have the 48 hour apart blood tests too, even though they could not see anything that looked ectopic on the scan. In my case it was because it was a pregnancy of unknown location, so I guess they have to be thorough just in case the scan missed something. In my case I passed the sac a few hours after the scan, so no idea why it couldn't be seen anywhere on the scan. Sending you hugs, and healing thoughts xx

@RedRobin7 I'm so sorry to hear your news, it's shit enough going through miscarriage loss once let alone twice. Sending hugs and thinking of you.

Hello to all the newbies and sorry to hear about your losses.

@TedLife I think you are totally right about what you said about society not talking enough about miscarriage. I found so many people said the wrong thing or didn't know what to say, and I think that's because it's such a taboo subject. Having said that only my close friends and family know about my miscarriages, because I often can't deal with the awkward or inappropriate reactions people have. It's difficult to know how to enact change in our society. Hopefully if I do manage to fall pregnant again I will be brave enough to tell people early on.

It's 79 days since my angel baby and still no af and also a very blank start whiteness if a negative hpt. I was hoping for the theory of you ovulate before af so just keeping faith.

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts on my little brain dump. Whether you feel it's for you or not to tell people earlier than 12 weeks (and that's totally a personal decision) I do feel this conventional 'advice' that you should wait should be scrapped. There is no need and creates an environment where women feel they can't tell people at a time when we're already worried about doing everything 'right'.
If more people talked about early pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage then it wouldn't be so taboo and would be recognised for what it is - a terrible, traumatic time for any woman and so much more common than most people realise.

Besides, early pregnancy is absolutely miserable, you're sick, tired and bloated non-stop... surely that's when you need the most support!

@RedRobin7 hope you're ok love, my EPU nurse told me to get co-codamol when i had my MMC however when it actually started they didn't even touch the sides of the pain I was experiencing. I know your situation is a bit different but If you feel paracetamol isn't doing it for you then speak to them again and see if you can take anything stronger. Sending hugs

By the way ladies, I'm sure you've all probably come across The Miscarriage Association yourselves, but in case any of you haven't, they're a good place to get support.

Also, RE: what TedLife was talking about with regards to being more open about our losses, The Miscarriage Association also provide downloadable leaflets to give to people or to put up at work. The most helpful ones I saw were:

This one for people who haven't gone through it themselves to read through; it has dos and don'ts of things to say or avoid saying. I'd recommend sending this to friends and family so they feel more able to talk to you without feeling awkward.
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Someone-You-Know.pdf

And this one is for employers to help them know how best to help someone going through this horrible ordeal. It could be a good idea to send this to your boss or manager before going back to work, for anyone who is currently going through it.
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Miscarriage-and-the-Workplace.pdf

I did consider putting a copy of the "Someone you know" leaflet up on our noticeboard at work when I returned to work after mine, but I actually personally didn't find it hard talking about it to my colleagues and amazingly they didn't shy away from mentioning it either once they realised it wasn't a taboo subject. Some of them did use a couple of the phrases which are best to avoid, but I didn't personally mind as the way they said it was from of a stance of trying to be supportive and that's what mattered most to me at the time.