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TTC after pregnancy loss- thread 23 🐧🐧

995 replies

Boboelephant · 30/06/2018 11:58

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Here's the new thread. This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle- this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Kicking off with a roll call:

Boboelephant
Age: 35
TTC #2
DS 2.5
MMC at 10 weeks in December 2017. Ectopic rupture in November 2016.
Cycle 6 post MC. Trying since September 2016.

🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧

OP posts:
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35
weasledee · 11/07/2018 13:29

Hi ladies, just checking in to say I got a BFN yesterday when I was due on, no surprise but I have no period either which is depressing! Never been late in my life 😡

Lilimum4 · 11/07/2018 13:44

@weasledee hi hun sorry for your bfn
I know what you mean I was due on Monday but spotted from the Friday before and only today got full on period super weird for me too this month. I'm putting it down to stress and the hot weather. But I'm totally gutted to get a bfn again

Fae1989 · 11/07/2018 13:45

You ladies are all so lovely and nice, been watching the thread but it’s too fast for me to keep up!

Fingers crossed for you all. :) x

Newbie21 · 11/07/2018 13:46

@RedRobin7 thinking of you.

Jessabean · 11/07/2018 14:09

@RedRobin7 thinking of you today. Hope all goes as well as it can do ❤️
🐧

@UnicornsandRainbows1 I'm sorry. It's ok to not be ok though. Just let yourself feel what you need to, it's only natural. 🐧

RedRobin7 · 11/07/2018 14:43

My scan confirmed that I am having another miscarriage 💔 I am so devastated that I've lost another baby in such a short space of time. I'm going to ask to be signed off for two weeks so I can take the time I need to deal with this.

I am so so grateful for all the messages I received from everyone on MN. What an amazing group of ladies! Even though my family did not know I felt like I had so many people behind me and hoping for the best. Thank you so much ❤️

I hope to return to this board when I'm feeling strong enough to think about TTC again.

Lilimum4 · 11/07/2018 14:57

@RedRobin7 I'm so sorry lovely. Please know that your in our hearts and we will be here when your ready. Please be good to yourself. Both you and your husband/ partner are in my thoughts xx

Laney79 · 11/07/2018 15:00

Oh @RedRobin7 I'm so so sorry. My heart breaks for you. As for taking time off-take as much as you need. I was off nearly 8 weeks after I found out about my MMC. Be kind to yourself. Your body and mind need time. Sending you a huge hug.

@UnicornsandRainbows1 it's ok not to be ok. That's what my counsellor says. And it's not surprising you are finding today hard. Big hug.

@weasledee And @Lilimum4 Bfn are cruel enough but it seems that once you e had a MC your body is even crueler messing with AF. Almost like the desperate want/need for a BFP delays the witch's arrival.

Hugs all round I say. It's that kind of day X

Lilimum4 · 11/07/2018 15:06

@Laney79 thanks hun x

It seems that we spend 10 to 12 after ovulation praying AF don't come, then we get a bfn and will give anything for AF to show up so we can start trying again. The whole TTC thing is cruel.

I have to say I'm gutted its taking so long to get a bfn and even if you do manage to get pregnant there's no guarantee you will stay pregnant

Sorry for the rant I'm not in a good head space today Sad

Lilimum4 · 11/07/2018 15:08

Sorry ment bfp not bfn

Newbie21 · 11/07/2018 15:11

@Redrobin7 so so sorry to hear that. Take time and know that we are all here for you and will be thinking of you.

TedLife · 11/07/2018 15:35

@RedRobin7 I can't imagine what you're going through. It's all of our worst fears and I am so so sorry you have to do this again. Take care of yourself, take time to heal and please get in touch if you need extra support.

Seems like today is a sad day for many of us. Thinking about you all @weasledee, @Lilimum4 and @UnicornsandRainbows1 xx

Kintan · 11/07/2018 15:36

@RedRobin7 sending you love and healing thoughts. xx

TedLife · 11/07/2018 15:52

Sorry for the new post, I've just been thinking....

I was listening to a podcast recently and a girl on it was pregnant but early - they never said how many weeks but before 12. It was a parenting podcast (started listening as we were trying but it's also hilarious so i stayed on!) so she talks every now and then about what it's like being pregnant in the first few weeks. Eventually she discusses briefly why she's chosen not to stay quiet until after 12 weeks. She said it's because after having 3 miscarriages she decided early on that she wasn't going to go it alone anymore - I think after her first or second mc she decided this. As a result all her friends knew she was pregnant and then knew when she miscarried and rallied around her.

This really struck a chord with me, does anyone else feel the fact that we do this all alone and have to smile and put on a brave face for everyone else makes this whole thing so much worse? I really am tempted, if i'm lucky enough to get my bfp again, to just tell people. Let them feel the joy we're feeling and see how much being pg means to us and then if, and god i hope this never happens again, for any of us, if we were to miscarry again, it would be a shared experience, people would understand.

I feel like even telling people retrospectively that you miscarried often doesn't result in a great reaction they may not really get it or think 'oh sure it's just a bleed' (as my mother thought...). Unless they know how much the pregnancy meant to you it's probably hard for them to gauge how to react.

Bit of a brain dump here but I feel like we all universally hate that we're so alone in this TTC journey and feel a pressure from society to keep quiet until it's good news but that stigma will only change if we change our behaviour. It starts with us, speaking out and saying "this is me, this is my journey".

Lilimum4 · 11/07/2018 16:08

@TedLife I think your spot on. Why should we behave like its some sort of dirty little secret or something shameful. And you are right about it feeling worse putting a brave face on it. I've had 3 MCs now and the last one I didn't hide and openly talk about it. When people ask how many kids I've got I say " 5, 2 living and 3 angels" and if they don't like it its there problem not mine.

I firmly believe that the only reason people don't get it and how terrible it is, is because we the poor women it happens to don't talk about it. And I also think it should be included in reproduction lessons its part of life just as sex and pregnancy is.

This only my opinion and others might not agree so I hope I didn't upset anyone

weasledee · 11/07/2018 16:18

So sorry redrobin........

I agree ted life, I was very open during my early pregnancy, I had no choice as I suffer from HG. I talked about the loss with anyone who wanted to know, especially as mine as a bit later on (14 weeks) The same story was repeated, either they had had a miscarriage or knew someone who had. It's so common it's shocking really. When I went to hospital (I had to deliver) the nurses told me the room they use for delivery of miscarriages was permanently full......

Laney79 · 11/07/2018 16:20

@Lilimum4 and @TedLife I totally agree. One of the reasons my MMC hit me so badly is that despite months of research into pregnancy and birth (due to medical phobia, and the need Roden understand if I could handle what being pregnant would entail) I never once heard about missed miscarriage. The 1 in 4 stat came up, but that was it and I stupidly assumed that if it happened early before 12 weeks you bled, and barring complications that was it. NO ONE talks about it. So many friends have since told me they've experienced it, I never knew but both my sisters have had MC's - it's almost like you shouldn't talk about it. But honestly now, I'm telling everyone. I am not ashamed of my bean, he was and will always be a part of me, and I'm proud to have been a mom even if I never held my bean in my arms. I don't want to hide it.

If I fall pregnant again (and I am desperate to) I think I'll tell more people early on, miscarriage should be talked about, we should be educated about it. We are not alone and this air of keep quiet/mystery makes it feel like that.

Lilimum4 · 11/07/2018 16:28

@weasledee I'm sorry I didn't know you were so far along.

It just goes to show that this is a topic that's totally out dated and its time for a change.

It doesn't surprise me about the room either my best friends lost her little girl at 17 weeks and she said it was one in one out in her room too

InDreamland · 11/07/2018 16:40

Hi. Can I join please? I've just come off the Due January 2019 thread. Was 11+4 yesterday when I spent most of the day in EPU to find I have most certainly miscarried but cannot be fully confirmed until I've had a second scan so have to go back on Tuesday next week. We've been TTC our first for 5 years, so I was thrilled to get a BFP at the end of May. Finally years of heartbreak and disappointment along with fake smiles and putting on a brave face turned to dreams coming true for us - only to have it all come crashing down yesterday. I've cried all afternoon and night yesterday and all day today.

What have I done that's so terrible and evil to deserve this?

I am not sure I can go through anymore right now and don't really know what to do or where to go. I am devastated I can't seem to give DH the child we so badly long for. I'm in my late 30s now so have given up hope.

I can't face the world, I don't want to see or speak to any of my family or friends (only 2 friends and my sister and parents knew about the pregnancy - and now of the loss). I can't take anymore comments like "why don't you have kids yet?" "Do you have kids?" "You should just have some babies" or with the numerous others around me getting pregnant or going on mat leave the "You're next" comments - all whilst staring at my tummy area. All I do is smile and pretend it doesn't matter when inside I'm screaming and dying. Then all the social media updates of pregnancy and birth announcements.

I can't do this anymore. Feel absoutely broken.

Bobzybaby · 11/07/2018 16:45

@RedRobin7 I'm so sorry my love. Take all the time you need and don't feel pressured to go back to work before you're ready. Lots of love your way x

@TedLife totally agree about being open early in pregnancy. I've lost 4 and only told family during them. I've openly talked about them all afterwards when I was emotionally ready. I'm now on a treatment that means EVERYONE knows when I'm due to test and EVERYONE knows when my periods are due. It's really lovely that I feel we're all in it together. Although, I don't know if I will be honest about a BFP when it comes. Only because I think I'd feel suffocated if it went wrong. I'm the kind of person that would need my own space in the immediacy and not want to deal with other people's emotions. But, I will make my mind up about that when it happens!

I absolutely do not think any woman should 'hide' a pregnancy or wait until 12 weeks if she wants to share it! I tell everyone and anyone who will listen about my pregnancies because it's so important for people to not hide it away. How else do we get the support we need and how else do we get the word out to women who are sadly going to experience a loss!

I'm super passionate about this subject! I've always known about the risk of mc because practically every woman I know has had one. (I'm 35, started later). I then had a friend who had a mc and she was absolutely shocked to her core. Had no idea it was so common. Because of that, she was really perplexed about the almost 'cavalier' attitude of the medical staff.

Anyway, rant over! I got a FREP BFN today (AF due Sun but because of meds due to test Fri) so I'm just feeling particularly het up! Away for a night at a spa with my husband and gonna chill, drink some wine and relax!

Kintan · 11/07/2018 16:56

@InDreamland sorry you find yourself here. It really sucks. But please know you haven't done anything to deserve this. if you can't face the world right now, you don't have to. Just go to ground for a few days if you can and resurface when you feel up to it xx

Lilimum4 · 11/07/2018 17:10

@InDreamland I'm sorry for your loss. You do what ever feels right for you. If you want to shout and cry or you want to shut the door on the world that's exactly what you should do. And please don't blame yourself you did nothing wrong. We are all here for a chat and to offer support when your ready.

Newbie21 · 11/07/2018 17:25

@indreamland so sorry you find yourself here and please don't feel like you deserve this, you do not. Do whatever is right for you -time alone, time with friends, whatever you need. I hope you find some comfort in this group.

Newbie21 · 11/07/2018 17:32

@tedlife I totally agree that people should not feel they need to keep quiet about their pregnancy. Whatever people feel comfortable sharing then they definitely should. We only told my mum and our sisters when I fell pregnant second time at about 7 weeks and it was sort of by accident but we didn't mind. I was thinking the other day about what you are saying and I think the only thing that stops me telling people is if I lose it and then I have to tell people and talk about it when I don't want to. Sometimes I feel comfort in talking and other times I just want to hide away so I'm just not sure what I would do if I am lucky to be pregnant again but i definitely won't keep quiet because I feel like I have to or should, I'll do what feels right so you are so right to share your happiness however and whenever you choose Smile

Blondcat · 11/07/2018 18:02

@redrobin7 so sorry hugs Flowers

Hugs to @weasledee @lilimum4 @unicornsandrainbows1 sorry you are have a tough day.

Welcome @indreamland sorry you find yourself here.

Fx for those due to POAS tomorrow. I don't think I have caught this month so going to wait it out for af due a week today before testing as much less of a disappointment especially when you are sure it is not your month.