@Bobzybaby and @Lilimum4 and actually anyone else who's interested. After my mmc i started writing a blog just to rant and get it out there what I was feeling. And I felt my OH didn't quite get it. I wrote one piece which eventually I showed him as I felt it was the only way to explain to him how it was for me. Here it is....
My OH wakes up of a day and gets up, has a shower, heads off to work, happy, cheerful, excited for the day. He loves his job, eats his lunch, has a great day, heads home, potters round the house, tidying up, unloading the dishwasher (yes he’s an amazing partner) watches tv, happy to see me, asks what’s wrong, eats his dinner, says I’m a little quiet, watches tv, heads up to bed, brushes his teeth, makes jokes, gets into bed, falls asleep, wakes up of a day and gets up.....etc.
I on the other hand.... lie there crying while he’s in the shower, pretend to be asleep so I don’t have to make conversation, thinking about how different we are and how alone I feel and how scared I am about never having a baby and I think about this all day long. I have no idea what happens during the day and then I get home and he asks what’s wrong and I say, “nothing” trying to sound cheerful while I sit thinking why he needs to ask me, he went through it too right? I push my food around my plate, wishing it to be bed time so I can lie alone in silence, in the dark so no one can hear or see me cry. We go to bed and I lie there listening to his heavy breathing wondering how his heart lets him sleep.
With every day I watch our relationship strain more and more. A tragedy that at the time made us closer than ever, but now distances us completely. He carries on like it never happened. I’m frozen in a place where I wish the whole world would just stop. Or rewind or do anything except move forward. And every day that goes by he expects me to be less sad and every day that goes by I get sadder.
We are in such different places that he doesn’t seem to even know what I’m sad about and I’m mind blown. He wasn’t sad about the loss. He has a child already. He has a legacy. This loss didn’t seem to matter. I’m in this alone. His words when I ask him about it are ‘I was devastated for you’ they resonate with me every day!
But I don’t want to pretend any more. But I know I’ll have to. I’ll have to pretend during FW next month. Because yet again I sit here waiting for AF to show her face as the ending to another wasted cycle.
My years are now made up of cycles not months. And Pre-ov time and FW and ovulation and TWWs and AFs. I know there are two cycles until my ‘babymoon’ and 3 cycles until my birthday and my OH’s birthday is FW and my mums birthday is in a TWW... it’s never ending. This is my future... and I’m in it on my own.
Even being pregnant again now this "time" brings tears to my eyes. I still think about t everyday. Of the bub I lost. And I think it still shocks him a little when I make reference to this being our second bean.
Anyway. I hope by sharing this, it makes you feel less alone, that I felt that way too. I dunno, sending hugs. Sat here having a little cry. Xx