Fed up fed up fed up FED UP!!!!!!

[Kate8989]

Sorry ladies just felt like a rant......
Had a fricking shit year so far that doesn’t seem to be getting better at the moment. I have good days and bad days but feeling fed up today. I think watching the wedding making me feel more down as everyone looks happy and beautiful and I’m sat here looking like waynettea slob 😂 x

@Kate8989 i really feel for u hun life isnt fair is it?! Please just promise ul start the anti depressants today im not saying theyl solve all of ur problems but they will make it easier to cope. Do u take them at night? The ones i took were at night and they helped me sleep i think thats the hardest battle trying to sleep at night, when everyone else is asleep thats when my mind tends to wander to some dark thoughts unless ppl have experienced it its hard to even imagine. Have they referred you to pain management?

@Kate8989 I am so proud of how far you've come already. You've been really proactive and you've fought for what you need in the past. Today and all of this is a blip. You can get through today because you got through yesterday. Yes - it's shit and hard to accept that YOU have been dealt this hand and it is unfair.

You aren't really being kind enough to yourself.

One step at a time...

@Physicskate 👏👏💖

@thisisouryrfx18
@physicskate- I’m trying to self sabotage and I don’t know why. I had a really good day yesterday and people telling me I looked like my old self. When I got home I couldn’t accept I’m my old self because I’m not. I have severe endometriosis and my life will never be the same again because of it.
I can’t deal with it all so I cannot see any other way out at the moment x

You aren't the same person. I'm not the same person I was before infertility either. You have to get to know the 'new' you.

You're self sabotaging because none of this is fair and shouldn't be happening to you because you're a good person. It's not fair and it's only rational to feel that way.

But that doesn't stop it happening to you. In fact, it is happening to you, not anyone else and all of your rational and irrational feelings are allowed. But some of those feeling aren't helping you. They aren't making this difficult process any easier.

That's where kindness needs to be more of a thing for you. You're being kind by taking an antidepressant that makes it easier to deal with. You're being kind when someone says you look like your old self, and even though you aren't who you used to be, you know what they mean is you look physically well. And you will get physically well. But you don't have control over physical you. Take control over mental you, because yes it's shit, but only you can decide to fight it. And the fight is worth it because you can win if you fight.

I know you can do it, because you have - you've gotten this far, right? Just a couple more steps and you're on the road to recovery!!

How do I tell people I’ll never be “me” again. Everyone keeps saying we’ll get the old Katie back once you’ve had the op, but they won’t. Everyone keeps asking how are you? Are you ok? I want to say no I’m fucking not but I can’t. I lie and say I’m ok, I’m not too bad. Im being very hard on myself but it goes a lot deeper than what’s happened this year. I’ve always felt a bit “different” to everyone else. What’s happened this year has kinda affirmed that for me even more......
I just feel at my white end. I’m going to meet my surgeon on Monday, not sure if that will make me feel any better x

You don't have to tell anyone anything you don't want to. It might help in the long run to just be really honest. I reached that point when people asked, so what are you up to, and I didn't care if my saying 'ivf' made them uncomfortable.

You just have to find out who you are now (well not NOW, but when the dust settles) and be that person. Fuck other people if they can't handle who it is that you are. You don't have to explain to anyone but yourself.

You might get some of yourself back and you might not. But that is later. Now is about survival mode, coping mode. Making other people uncomfortable with how you feel is there problem, not yours. Honesty can help sometimes... if you feel like being honest. It may help...?

Sorry for any typos or ramblings. I'm still feeling the effects of sedation today.

I’ve always been a people pleaser so maybe that part of me is still very much prevalent in not telling the truth.
I stupidly went on Facebook last night and saw loads of girls I went to school with posing in pics with their newborns and my eyes started ooooozing with envy it’s horrible.
It’s a mixture of things, I’m fed up with the pain aswell but realistically it will not get better until I’ve had the second op. So I’ve got to put up with it.... but I’m acting out like a naughty child going “waaaaaaah I don’t want this”!!! X

Hi ladies, been reading your posts and from the start and totally get it.

I'm 34... Been with DP for almost 8 years and still waiting for him to put a ring on it!!

We are trying not #1 and on cycle 20. Just been refered to the fertility clinic. Don't know how that is foing to go but they don't think I'm ovulating. I wanted to start trying about 4 years ago, but DP was scared and we would catch straigt away so didn't feel ready.... MEN! So feeling super fed up ATM.

Hey @Miss83 - Welcome!
If you ever need a rant or moan this is the place to be. It’s crazy how hard this process is, I remember when my now Husband used to worry if I missed one pill. Bloody hell!!! It would have been a miracle if I got pregnant from missing one pill!
How are you coping mentally/emotionally?! X

Hi! @Miss83 i was the exact same with oh i was ready before him i love him to bits but cant help thinking u shouldve let us try earlier im nearly34 now never fot id b this age and still trying to get pregnant!

Doc said that at my appt oh r all your friends gettin pregnant im like try their onto #2 their first kids are in school!

@physicskate yeah I’ve been very open about telling people I need fertility treatment a) partly because I know because of my age (31) I’m going to get a sympathetic and not judgemental reaction which makes it easier and b) it’s a good reason to give at work when I have to explain that I’ve accepted another job (specialist is across the street from new workplace). At this point I don’t care how it makes other people feel.

My longstanding depression though?... Total secret, aside from a handful of trusted people. To the extent that I would hide my medication before my friends came over.

@BGDino i was the exact same hiding pills etc the funny thing is tho i now tell ppl about my anxiety and ttc has became my secret guess im just a private person, i need to try and open up more.

Thanks @kate8989 I was feeling ok about it, but my brother and his girlfriend just found out that he may not be able to have children as there was no sperm in his SA. He's four years younger than me so starting to panik if it doesn't happen for us and have to go down the route of IVF time may not be on our side as they only offer it to 40 I believe where I live! His news really hit home that these issue really do happen. How are you doing? Sorry to hear about what you are going through with your endometriosis! Hope Monday goes ok with your appointment!

@thisisouryrfx18 Thanks.... Men ya?! He thinks that we can get pregnant at any time of the month as well, i tell him no and he still doesn't belive me! Fingers crossed it happens for you soon!

@Miss83- I’m sorry to hear about your brother. Gosh it’s such an eye opener talking to others about their ttc struggles and you realise you’re not alone. I wonder why we assume it will be easy!?
Thank you, I am nervous about going but it’s got to be done!
@thisisouryrfx- thanks for your support yesterday, I’m so up and down at the moment. Can only really open up on here x

@Miss83 soo sorry to hear about ur brother its soo sad hope hes doin k.. i used to think i could get pregnant at anytime before ttc still dnt understand why no one tells u its only a certain time of the month fx for u too hun..@Kate8989 thats alrite❤ have u started ur antidepressants? X ive been thinking alot about a family member who died recently it does remind me lifes too short and i should appreciate everyday but it also scares me and makes me think ive wasted soo much time @physicskate how r u gettin on hun?

So we started ttc April 1st 2016 (I'd been waiting for dh to say let's go ahead for about 18 months at that point). Egg collection was 15th of June 2018. They collected 19, with 18 mature. We got the news yesterday that 13 have fertilised. I am scheduled for transfer on Wednesday, but have to go in on Monday to be checked for ohss. Felt AWFUL the last two days but today it just feels like period pain. Mood is: 'it's out of my hands' so not thinking about our little embryos developing. Not even thinking we will make it to day 5!

Life is too short...

@physicskate sorry uve been feeling soo bad❤ sorry cause im no expert but is 13fertilised a gd result? it sounds gd to me x

Maybe, maybe not. It all depends on how many are still around on day 5. I'm hoping we get one, but we could get none or up to 13 (although that is very unlikely as there is a high attrition rate at each stage).

@physicskate ooh i c its soo a long and complicated process isnt it? X

physicskate- sorry to jump into this thread. I just wanted to say that I am so pleased that things are moving on for you and I really really hope that this is it for you. I wish you so so much good wishes and really hope that this brings you the much longed for baby for you as you are a lovely kind and gentle person.

Thanks for that @bluecocooon. I know I am not always those things (especially gentle. I often feel as gentle as a brick to the face), but I can dream, right?

I am definitely trying to get ahead of myself and not to think about what will happen. It will either be good or bad, but I have no control over that now (or ever?). So not much point in stressing. Yes, I am aware of the possible outcomes, but trying not to be too invested in any one outcome, if that makes sense?

Wishing you luck too.

Well oh got his appt for SA not until the middle of july uuughh