TTC after stillbirth

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Just wondering if anyone else is ttc after a stillbirth and wanted to join me on this very daunting journey?

Thank you @LittleLuce37 & @39Suzy

When you've had losses like us it's really hard not to feel like the world is against you and you're destined for only bad luck!

My logical mind knows 'most normal' couples can take several months but I think my logical mind lost control when everything went wrong before.

Any tips on staying positive and sane each month and not turning in to a TTC monster!!?

@LittleLuce37 my periods have been much heavier after my stillbirth. I always used to wear pads overnight and there was barely any blood loss over night. Now I've been flooding the pads several times a night to the point it would wake me up as I'd felt like I wet myself.
I have bad period pains over night now too so that I barely sleep for 3 nights when I'm on.
It feels like some extra cruel punishment reminding me that I'm not breastfeeding or pregnant.

Welcome to the worst club in the world @littlelucy37 and @alwaysasking (I really like that description). Ttc after stillbirth is such a headf**k, desperately wanting to be pregnant and equally terrified of being pregnant. I hope it will happen for you soon though, fingers crossed.

@39Suzy, what you wrote above “I always feel like when someone asks personal questions i have to answer and have realised, i don't”. – This! Absolutely this. Just because someone asks you about your plans doesn’t mean you have to share anything, ever, if you’re not comfortable. How is your week going? @Testar0ssa how is your week going? Urgh people asking you your business. It’s shocking really.

My rainbow DC was a very lucky 1st try and a stressful pregnancy. Now I’m onto what I hope is our 2nd rainbow DC (touch all of the wood everywhere). This one has taken a year and 2 MMCs – I’m hoping this is a sticky bean. I’m 38 so no spring chicken either but nothing I can do about that only stay fit and healthy as much as I can. I’m booked in for a scan at 10+3, which I’m fine with, if it was too early I would be worried I would still miscarry. I’ve also decided to opt in for the Panorama test too, with my age I want to know whether to brace myself or not.

Hope you’re all having a good week ladies xxx

@askingalways i definitely felt a feeling of panic and desperation those first few (dodgy cycles) but after my first 'normalish' cycle felt a bit calmer and accepting and i think i posted on here (or maybe FB) that it was only a matter of time and in a year or two it wouldnt matter if it was this month, next month or three months... it WOULD happen and i kept reminding myself of that. After an early BFN i braced myself for AF and celebrating my first 'normal' textbook cycle (all the 'usual' symptoms and was sure i ovulated) and guess what, it never bloody came. Why? I was pregnant of course. I definitely think having a word with myself helped but also dont panic. Keep talking to hubs (although definitely dont put any performing pressure on 😁) and be as healthy as you can. I dont know if it helps but i did a crystal healing meditation session (by accident but really enjoyed it so decided to find out a bit more and another happy coincidence, stumbled across a crystal selling shop when i was considering buying my own) and found that it helped to focus on the positives and give me a bit of mental energy (probaby psychomatic but hey!). I used rose quartz (emotional well being), moonstone (pregnancy and fertility) and one that i forget the name of but draws away impurities and negativity (i can find the name if you are that interested!).
And definitely keep up the chat here.... priceless! 😁

@partyinthekitchen it soooo is isnt it! My favourite response in the end to people asking if my previous pregnancy was planned was 'Why, were you an accident?' (After stumbling through a few times, so much fun to turn the tables!)

Today should be about my last day of AF (cycle day 5).

Previously I've focussed way too intensely on the Fertile Window and making sure we BD on those all important positive OPK days... whilst we both really want this it's made things quite awkward!! I'm wondering whether to focus less on that and more on just trying every other day or so this time around... take the pressure off a bit

@LittleLuce37 I've been thinking about doing the same next time round. No ovulation tests and just take the pressure off a bit.
However I'm not sure I'll be able to resist - I have too much time on my hands and I'm too desperate to get it right!

@askingalways I know... I'll probably still test tbh but maybe just BD every other day rather than focus on those particular ones... I still want to know I've ovulated or I'll panic!!

Spoke to Dr about periods... they're regular and no unusual pain or bleeding in between so she talked me through why all my concerns (basically things I'd googled!!) wouldn't be a problem and I do think part of it is me noticing more than I did before as opposed to just actual changes

Start back at work next week. Two days away at HQ in London but get back just as my fertile window begins haha

Hope going back to work goes well @littleluce37 😁

@39Suzy I'm looking forward to it but also dreading it. I love my job but priorities have changed so much...

Well ladies, I am really treating myself today... smear test AND the dentist. Haven’t had anyone poking around my nether regions since I gave birth knowing my DD wasn't alive so I’m pretty much having a panic attack and last time I was at dentist I was pregnant. Today can do one xxx

Oh @LittleLuce37 what a tough day. I rang my dentist beforehand to say what had happened which meant that the receptionist had to deal with me snotting crying on the phone, but at least everyone knew by the time I got there.
And yes people poking around your nether regions is ridiculously triggering, again make sure the nurse knows what's happened so that if you have to have a bit more time that she is kind and caring.

@askingalways hi there and I am so sorry about your son. We waited 9 months before trying as there were many many medical avenues that we wanted to pursue/ reach conclusions with prior to getting pregnant again. We were extraordinarily lucky to fall quickly. You will get there. I agree with one of the other posters who said that it won't matter if it's this month, next month or whenever as long as there is a healthy baby at the other end. I know that's really hard to focus on when you are in the midst of ttc. It's very stressful and very emotional. I cried the first and second time we had unprotected sex and were actually ttc. Think DH may also have had something in his eye. It felt very much like it was a new beginning and then I felt so awful and guilty that I was feeling like that. We are here with you, nobody else gets this like a loss mom does and I am so glad that this thread exists.

@Miami81 thanks. Luckily it was clear the nurse knew as soon as she spoke to me. I didn't have to explain so I'm pleased about that. Unfortunately (and nobody would have had any idea) she was in the same room where I first lay and heard my babies heartbeat. So I'm now a bit of a blubbering wreck in Costa.

I think the dentists already know... because the receptionist goes to my Slimming World class

Oh @LittleLuce37 that's a rough day for you, sending you support. It's just shit isn't it, I mean, you have to get these checks done, they're important, but the memories of the room is hard. Take care and lots of luck @ the dentists.

For the bd-ing and the fertile window - wondering what you think of my approach. I found with my DH that if I was taking the pressure off him, I ended up putting lots of pressure on myself! For many months I would silently know when I ov'd, and put no pressure on him but still BD as much as possible without much discussion on the fertile window. Then when I wasn't pregnant each month I felt it was my fault as I was the one who held the info needed. I explained this to him, saying that I'm the one who knows my body and I generally do know when I'm fertile so it's more helpful to share that with DH so he knows what I know and I'm not the only one who's doing the thinking for when to BD. I feel I do so much thinking/organising for our family that to not have his support on this would be unfair, I need him to help and understand. He wants another baby just as much as me, it's our family, not my family. So I see no issue with getting him involved in our ttc journey! It worked, he totally understood what I said and was happy to take some responsibility and it was a relief. Within 2 months I was (an still am) pregnant. Fingers and toes crossed it continues.

Hope you all have a good day x

@PartyintheKitchen YES!!! We've actually chatted about it a bit this morning. I'm still going to test and we will still know my most fertile days... but on the flip side of that we are also going to focus on BD more often maybe every few days we can the rest of the cycle rather than purely those smiley face days and getting stressed about that small window of time... if that makes sense?!

I've also considered acupuncture but I don't know if I'm getting carried away with myself!!

@PartyintheKitchen exactly that. I had the same exact conversation with my DH. I felt it was unreasonable for him not to take some of the pressure because otherwise I was going off the deep end every month when he wasn't in the humour on a particular night.

@PartyintheKitchen yep, I can totally relate to that. We've had the same discussion, I've put a symbol on the calendar for the fertile week and I'm going to try not to mention ovulation even if I test as it does suddenly pile on the pressure. But as my other half knows when and why we both share responsibility.

@littleluce37 oh that is a rough day ☹
I had my dentist appt last week but do you know what, i was so proud of myself for explaining and not crying. He was so lovely and emailed reception to add it to my notes so i didnt have to explain again.

I also had that same convo with a collegue today after she was thoroughly confused as to why i wasnt on mat leave. The office fell silent (i was on the phone to her) as i explained. It gets easier i think and definitelt felt comfortable, and grateful that she asked. It is the uncertainty of 'do they know or not' i find hard!

Hope the smear was ok too it makes such a difference when you are comfortable with the nurse or whoever x

@39Suzy well it was a brand new dentist. So not only did I have an exceptionally good looking young man having to put his poor hands in my horrid mouth, he had no idea and just came out with "oh did you have a boy or a girl" so I had to tell him. They were very lovely though and I didn't cry.

Exhausted after all that, came home and slept for 2 hours!!

Back to work Tuesday and 2 days in London. I still took my MAT leave as with any loss after 24 weeks we are still entitled to it. I'm hoping that most people already know but I bet there's going to be one person that doesn't (through no fault of their own) and asks about the baby

@littleluce37 My bereavement MW advised having the words ready so you werent caught off guard, upsetting you more. The oneliner she gave me was 'Oh i'm sorry you hadnt heard, unfortunately X came early and didnt make it.' And then have an exit strategy to walk away or if that isnt possible, a question like 'So how have you been doing?' To deflect away from more questions, unless you want to talk. But the few (and it is a handful as most knew) of people that i have explained our loss to (mostly hadnt realised i was pregnant but just absent...i had kept my pregnancy fairly quiet, not intentionally but just ended up being that way) they have crawled up the wall to change the subject after doing the usual 'oh god i am so sorry'.

I was terrified that people would ask questions when i went back but do you know what, people's lives move on and with a few exceptions, are mostly too wrapped up in their own lives to worry about other people.

I feel far stronger about it now as the emotion isnt as raw but i did spend a lot of time worrying about it! The other thing which was useful was sending a note to my team the day before i was back. It helped (in theory) to put people at ease as to what to expect (fine to talk about it, fine not to talk about it but please talk to me!). Most people have told me that it was a brave but useful move as most people just dont know how to react so it definitely helped.

@39Suzy funnily enough my line manager (her and my immediate team have been amazing) actually asked me how I wanted to go about it and if I felt comfortable or not it being mentioned etc. She was very helpful and put me at ease. I've not long had a call from the bereavement midwife at the hospital and have been referred for the specialist counselling that they do so finger crossed.

That is good of her. Will be thinking of you x

@39Suzy well things went a bit pear shaped... I'd asked to relocate desks because I don't think I can bear to sit where I was. It was all fine til they said they can't find anywhere else (which I know is rubbish they have totally empty offices there!!). So had a really bad day Friday getting upset over it

Hopefully it'll be sorted. I'm in HQ the first two days anyway. 2 days in a hotel and home just in time for FW haha

It will get easier 😊

How's everyone doing?

Hi @askingalways! I was just thinking this morning it had all gone a bit quiet on here....

Good thanks i am 9+6 now and had a second scan earlier this week. We also had our PM results which was a mixed bad. Long story, very short is that although the MRI consultant and genetics team believed our brain abnormality was a sporadic incident most likely caused by an infection (i had flu), pathology have said they believe it is genetic and referred us back for more testing. So..... the consultant called our geneticist whilst we were there who is sticking my his guns but has agreed to run some more detailed tests, all brand new tech that is literally weeks old. It is optional but at this stage, we may as well keep going! In terms of #2 it will be a case of doing as many scans and extra checks as i am.comfortable with but ultimately it is going to be a long old wait before the brain can be checked for normal development. The one good thing which came out of it was that baby definitely would have had a fatal seizure during or after birth if i carried him to term and he made it that far so we definitely did the right thing. But was pretty mad that there was several errors in the report including the date of birth! Another week, another appt next Wednesday!!!

Here is #2 (obviously we will try and think up a better name 😁)

How are you getting on? Where abouts are you in your cycle??

@littleluce37 hope work is going ok?

@tessa0ssa how you doing? In laws still there or has your peace and quiet returned?

@miami81 and @partyinthekitchen hope you and babies are doing ok?