Thread 31, TTC1 | Jam and her dodgers still riding the bonking bus for that elusive BFP

[Jamon]

Calling all OPK-ers, Temp-ers, Clomid-ers, Femara-ers, IUI-ers, IVF-ers and anyone else on the TTC #1 Bus.

We've been going a while now so the novelty has well and truly worn off and we're slightly battle scarred and bruised in the cervix area. We don't get a lot of baby dust in these here parts, we just keep it legs spread and fingers crossed (LSFX). We love a baby bomb from a prior bus-mate but if we get told to 'just relax and enjoy it' ONE MORE TIME you will get a punch in the face!

Hop on board, post your stats and prepare to be dazzled by the wealth of TTC knowledge we long-timeys have to share...

Key:
HS - have/had sex
GOS - good old shag
ELH - enthusiastic lavatory happenings
LSFX - legs spread, fingers crossed

Thanks quiet hope you enjoyed the sun

Hi winging good to see you though sorry it's not with better news. That's positive you've got a plan - NHS and alternative- and hope you get there with this combo.

Depressingly happy to get a very positive OPK today - little things and all that.

Good to have you back Winging, sorry you're relaxed cycles haven't done the trick but the acupuncture sounds wonderful. A lot of us are starting IVF shortly and Pyjamas has started hers already so we can all hand hold and get ourselves through it.

I haven't got a clue what's happened to me of late, I should be happy - great new job, newly married but I think I might becoming depressed. I'm not sure if it's because it's officially 2 years since Ive started TTC. Been very mopey today, and even started crying when I was looking through my own wedding photos at the smiling faces of the children I'd invited. I keep having nightmares too, about infertility, miscarriages (which I've never experienced) and physically loosing my DH in strange environments. I wake up every night hyperventilating. DH knows something is seriously up, and I've tried to explain it all to him but I feel like it's all been trapped in my subconscious somewhere and just now is starting to burst through the seams. My DH has told me that I need another method, another "thing" to keep my going till IVF and he honestly suggested the turkey basting method to me, and freezing sperm. I laughed at the ridiculousness of it all and then got really angry, not at him but at the world. Why should I have to treat myself like some kind of science experiment in order to achieve something I was born to do? I know women who have got pregnant drunk, high, whilst using contraception and I know it's luck of the draw but GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.

Sorry for the negativity, just wanted to get that all out.

Oh skipper sorry you're feeling this way lovely. Have you thought about having some counselling?

Winging it sorry you're back but some positives to take. It's interesting to hear acupuncture has lengthened your cycles. I've been having 25 day ones since my mmc. Just another thing to add to my long lists of things in the against column. 😢

Sk1pper oh hunny massive hugs. I think you need to speak with someone asap. Please don't let yourself fall down a hole with this. You've come so far, don't fall at the finishing line, and I know it doesn't feel like a finishing line but sweets you really are.

If anything in this TTC journey has taught me anything is that deserving something and getting it don't always go hand in hand. I'm a good person, I've questioned that recently, shit I must have done something bad to deserve this but no, I'm not and I'm still a good person, I have a good job, a wonderful family, a loving DH, I'm a good friend, a caring ear, someone who supports others. I deserve to be a mum. But it doesn't mean I will. I can only hope and that's the sad reality.

Life is giving you a break, just not how you're focused towards right now. You have a wonderful new job, a DH who sounds supportive and willing to do anything for you. You've just had the happiest day ever and the most magical honeymoon. Don't forget all the positives while the kinks in your TTC journey start to straighten. You'll get there I promise. Take a deep breath. You can do it. We all have our wobbles but we're too kickass to let it beat us. Xxx

Talking of 25 day cycles. It's CD24 here and I'm really hoping not to start spotting early. I don't feel any different so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a longer cycle or a miracle. X

I hope you had a shagathon jamon!!!

I really hope you are successful this time pijamas IVF is very draining but so worth it! What FC are you at again?
I found the consultants I saw at CRGH somewhat lacking in EQ - I really like my consultant at IVI.

Welcome back wing !!!
Please do not freak out about IVF - it really is not that bad.

skipper feeling low is understandable- but please remember you are in perfect time. May I suggest that you get your vitamin D level checked over - this vitamin is vitally important for normal mood function as well as fertility. I take a massive dose every day.
Also what mouse and jamon said.

Not sure how recently I last harped on about this book - some great supplement advice inside - although seems more recent DHEA research may question that section.
Sorry cannot find photo... it is called "It starts with the egg"

Found it!

Oh skipper I felt so sad when I read your message - you are normally so upbeat here. And you're right - you have loads to be happy about, but I know it doesn't feel that way when the one thing you want most seems just out of reach. I agree with others - maybe see if you can speak to a counsellor/someone independent about this? And kwick is right about the vitamin d. At my lowest point after my third mc a friend sent me a card that said "better things are coming" and I have it on my wall and look at it every day now. Better things are coming for all of us.

I have that book kwick after you recommend it many moons ago and found it very informative. Haven't read the ivf chapters yet....that will be next.

mouse can't say if longer cycle was due to acupuncture, herbs or both. But the fact something happened is making me feel it's worthwhile

Oh skip - you've got some great advice already (esp. the speaking to someone), so just wanted to give you a massive virtual hug. I know you'll find your way through xxx

The only other thing I'd say is I think it's totally understandable to be angry - finding a way to deal with it is important, but hope you

Whoops, hit post too soon - was just going to say hope you're not beating yourself up about how you 'should' feel and no need to apologise for sharing - it is unfair and hard. But, as has been said, you've been so strong and positive since I've been here, I know you'll come out the other side of this - take care xx

Hugs to you skip, it's so bloody hard. Made me sad reading that you feel that way when you've just had such a lovely honeymoon and wedding. Perhaps talking to someone would help and get you back on a positive keel. Hope you're doing ok.

I've had two baby bombs this morning but really really trying not to let it get me down. Just met a mutual friend for a coffee though and when she started talking about what good news it was I felt so bloody tearful. Arghh.. don't want to go back to feeling sad and miserable but am teetering on the edge

Chlo my baby bomb mantra goes something like

Others peoples pregnancies have no bearing on me or my ability to get pregnant
They have their journey and I have mine and I will get there

And if they're a good friend I also tell myself I'll be going to them for all the tips and advice and maternity clothes borrows!

I completely appreciate though that baby bombs can knock you for six and it sometimes takes me a few days to bounce back xx

You're completely right jamon, I know all of this just bloody knocks me every time these days! Ended up having a cry to DH which he made me feel better. Sometimes you've just got to let it out and deal with it rather than bottling it up. Wish I could just take a break from everyone until it happens for us!

Jam - I can get help through work apparently, as we have free private healthcare and there is a hotline you can call for support be it mental or physical. Going to do it tomorrow, agree I need to speak to someone.

Mouse - your words were lovely, thank you. You are right but I'm struggling to absorb it into my mantra right now. But I am lucky in many respects so I'm going to try and focus of the good things, like making a few photo books with the photos from the honeymoon and wedding. And maybe planning another break next year.

Kwick - taking a Vit D supplement and folic acid every day. I was taking Pregnacare but I've stopped - broken out is so many spots since doing that so may have to go back on a multi vitamin anyway.

Harriet, Chlo, Quiet - thank you for your kind words too xx

Had yoga tonight so am feeling a bit more zen but may have an early night too... 😴

Chlo definitely a big cry helps. I really hope you / we are not waiting much longer

Skipper definitely give them a call. Talking about it really helps me. If there are any groups you can go to as well I think that would help. I hope your new job is going well apart from the bump brigade.

What you said about worrying about miscarriage really touched a nerve - I've been doing this a lot too, despite never having had a BFP either. I'm most scared that IVF will work but I will go on to miscarry. I hate even admitting this scares me, I feel like it makes it more likely for some reason. On another thread someone said "hope for the best and prepare for the worst" and that seems to be the best way to approach IVF. God I want it to work so much

Miscarriage scares me too Jam. It's horrible for anyone to go through it but I feel like after 2 years, I'd never recover from something like that.

It's a big worry too but my method is to convince myself that I'd be super fertile post mc and therefore clearly conceive naturally immediately. .....That's what I keep trying to tell myself anyway.

The fomo/getting left behind thing is what's effected me the most as I had this idyllic image of me and my best friends/sis in law having joint bump pictures and sharing maternity leave together. Seeing their pregnancy go past in a flash whilst I stand still has been the hardest. However I'm better mentally now about it as they're so far gone or have 6 month olds now that there's no chance of catching them therefore it's forcing me to think about my journey as my own.
Talking with them has also massively helped. Of my 4 best friends one is 21wka and one is 30 wks ish and they now all know about our struggles and that we're going for ivf. Knowing they're rooting for me is a comfort.

I really hope so too jam.. fx how are things with dh now?

The mc thing is hard. Our 2nd one was after 18 months of trying and it seemed so unfair and still does if I'm honest but I'm still here and still trying. I wanted it to happen straight away afterwards so so much but we wouldn't have known about dh's fragmentation problems and gone on to sort them out so it could've happened again which I just don't think I could handle so maybe it all happens for a reason.

A pg friend has had 5 month scan and they've found some issues and think something is wrong with the baby. Makes me think you're just never in the clear with this stuff and I think I'd just want to keep it a secret the whole 9 months when it does happen!

In true stars align and fuck my day up fashion I started spotting right on queue last night. I'll spot all day today and then af willl arrive tomorrow. I expected it. I really did. But I still sobbed into DHs chest last night while he reassured me I wasn't to blame we wouldn't be looking forward to a newborn right now. I'm lucky I have him.

The miscarriage situation is probably the hardest thing I've ever gone through. But I'm here at the other side determined that the heartache of losing everything is just another part of our journey. It's one of those things we can not stop, start or prevent, so I choose not to let it defeat me. Please don't let the what ifs consume you. X

Next af is heartbreakingly due 4th September, my due date. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through that day. But I will. 😢

skipper I am glad you can easily access some counselling- I am sure you will find that helpful. Not sure how much vitamin D you are taking - when I get home I will post the mega dose I take. Normally the amounts in multi-vitamins are not sufficient to impact the mood. I also "freestyle" on folic acid as larger ladies (BMI 30 and above) should take 5 miligrams a day rather than 400 micrograms. I get it all off Amazon

With regards to MC - I never thought I would be strong enough to handle one. But I did. And then when it happened again my heart just about broke but I came through it again. I pray through every minute of every day that I never had to deal with that again but if I do I will handle it and move on.

chlo how awful for your friend. A lady on another thread I am on had a baby that only survived a few days as they had Edward's - she is still grieving but determined to provide a sibling for her much beloved daughter. It just breaks my heart.

mouse what a fcuker I had high hopes for you this cycle. My due date is coming up soon too - but hopefully I will be engrossed in my next IVF cycle then.

Chlo, Mouse - your stories are truly inspiring, I feel very silly about myself now. We are all amazing, strong, resilient creatures all with our separate paths.

Mouse - are you 100% you are out? I hope not xx

I got no sleep last night, even had a bath at 4am in an effort to relax myself. I've just come down with a cold but he odd thing is, it isn't at all the worst cold I've had so why it was keeping me up all night I have no idea. Also my boobs are so sore, I can't sleep sideways at all which is my preferred sleeping arrangement. Ugh...

Skip it's entirely normal to feel down. Whilst you are fortunate with your great new DH and other things in life I think wanting a baby is just another level, I do have big ups and downs. Look after yourself.

Mouse you poor thing, AF is such a bitch. I'm really hoping she doesn't show for you again next month, I'm sure the due date will be sad enough for you. Sending hugs to you, Kwick, Chlo, Harriet and all others who have had MC.

Jamon that is a coincidence, I worry about a MC after IVF. Even in my daydreams where I get a BFP I imagine telling DH not to get too excited. It's ridiculous, I think sometimes we're afraid to hope after so long TTC. I am going to try to think like Winging.

FW drawing to a close here but acupuncturist said keep trying even after I think I've ovulated (I think Sunday) I told DH so he knows he's not off the hook yet. We are checking out of hotel soon so I'd better wake him...

Winging afraid to hope is exactly it. The whole thing is fraught, how we haven't all been sectioned is beyond me. Long term TTC feels like a kind of madness.

I'm so glad I have a place to share these fears though, thank you all for being so honest and for sharing your own. Knowing others have recovered from mc to try again gives me strength to know that I would do the same.

Winging how long did you acupuncturist say keep going? I always feel like we burn out too soon and so persuaded DH to do it again last night. We HS Tuesday Friday Saturday Sunday and Monday. My positive OPK was Sunday. Surely this is enough to say we've done everything we can. I want to go into IVF knowing we gave it our best shot naturally!

We always do that too jam! Start off so well but then I feel like right at the crucial time we miss the boat but we're following that EOD plan this month and doing it in the morning and every day when it's peak time. Got to give it best shot eh.

baguette I totally agree that wanting a baby is just next level compared to anything else in life and ttc just knocks all hope out of you because you end up being scared to hope for fear of being let down. It's a tough, vicious cycle.

I ended up crying to my mum this morning which has helped a bit as well. She's had 4 children so I think it's hard for her to understand and she doesn't always say the right thing but I have to keep trying to communicate with her otherwise it'll fester away. Both her and DH said the usual 'you've got to get yourself into a positive mindset' but I'm struggling and then I worry that'll stop things from happening but tbh, positive thinking only gets you so far! You can't beat yourself up for feeling crap about it, I defy anyone ttc long term to feel any different!