Let's get this shaggathon on the road! We are breaking out the buzzy friends, lubeing up our fanjo's and prepping the men! Let's make a baby the old fashioned way! It's only f**king JS'ing 63!

[jellypi3]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a Kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing a Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 62 is <a class="break-all" href="https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/a2796204-Lights-twinkle-its-icy-cold-outside-tis-the-season-of-Yuletide-come-and-join-us-yes-you-For-this-is-JS62?msgid=68412463#68412463" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2768810-come-hither-upduffed-viroids-here-we-will-hold-your-hand-through-scans-rejoice-at-your-hairy-shins-and-of-course-share-your-lust-over-ian-mcshane-it-s-js-grads-48?pg=16" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2588689-we-re-still-teething-trying-to-wean-and-our-babies-just-won-t-go-to-sleep-when-we-re-trying-to-js-for-another-one-it-s-just-mumming-no-11" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Hi scuttle

Nova my cat got super clingy after my surgery - they know stuff!

Hello newbies great to see (theoretically speaking) so many new faces! Well I have the back ache from hell so I suspect af is toying with me and waiting til my busiest clinic of the week to roll up!
Well third damproof company has now let me down seriously how hard is it to get a tradesman that actually turns up these days!! Really wanted it all finished by the end of the month too ah well plan D I guess

Hi scuttle!

It sounds like you went through the mill you poor thing.

sofie my cat just knew when I was pregnant. I have photos of him cuddled up to my bump. Also stuck by my side when mc both times.

I've had virtually no sleep, I'm knackered. DS has cold, dh snores. Ugh.

Stalker / Long time lurker delurking here....

I found you guys years ago (realising how long when I notice people on their 2nd Jsing baby....I was reading when you first got upduffed!)

I feel like I know you all so well already, but finally ready to start TTC and expecting withdrawal bleed from contraception any day, so thought I should finally introduce myself!

We are going to try no cuntraband, not stressing too much about things and just have lots of sex. I can get very obsessive about things so going to try not to get hooked to all the things!

Name: Rubberduckies
Age: 25
DCs: None. Slightly afraid to say no cat either - I do have a crazy spaniel though
TCC: From now! Due withdrawal bleed any day from contraception and then we will do ALL THE SHAGGING!

How do people fit in all the shags? 1am last night was the first chance we had yesterday. Had an event on at work last night so I finished really late. Poor DH waited up for me even though he had to leave for work at 5.30. I should be icing (right word I hope?) Around now I think.... I actually have no idea! This is our first cycle trying and I feel like I'm completely over thinking it.

Thanks for the lovely warm welcomes everyone!

Inside gx for you, I hope at least your cycle settles down, I think I remember it took me a couple of cycles for me to settle when I came off the pill 3 years ago, although mine were the opposite of your short one at 40+ days before settling down to 31 days.

Jelly they don't know where my infection came from, but it caused an abscess that did a lot of damage to its surroundings which had to be fixed in stages, including 4 GAs Not how I'd envisaged spending my maternity leave! I've been tested for conditions that can make these types of abscess more likely but thankfully the tests have come back negative so hopefully it was just a freak occurrence and won't come back, ! Doesn't stop me worrying though!

On that note, although my tests came back ok from the GP yesterday I've left a message for my specialist to call me as I'm still having quite a bit of pain in the area of my scar tissue, I'm hoping that the specialist can just give me reassurance that this level of pain is to be expected, but speaking to DH about it last night we decided we just want to be totally sure all is 100% well before we dare to JS!

Sophie is it worth testing again?

Choo thank you, it sounds like you've been through the mill too, so sorry for the stressful time you've had

Rubber duckies, welcome, my time as the newbie was short but sweet!

Feline When you can! Sometimes life does get in the way unfortunately... says she who made the bedtime cuddle a little advanced last night :)

Hi Rubber! Gx you come off your contraception smoothly

Feline it's really hard to make time for JSing, without it becoming mechanical and losing the romance. I definitely feel the pressure to Js when I think I'm fertile and then it all falls by the wayside when I think I've iced, but that definitely isn't the best way to do it (see below).

Scuttle I'll test again if no Af by the weekend when I'm back from holiday. I assumed I'd iced and therefore didn't do a lot of JSing while I thought I was in the tww so I think a bfp is unlikely.

I'm trying to decide what the next step should be - I'm leaning towards seeing a specialist privately, but I don't quite feel ready to go down the ivf road yet. But I feel like something is wrong with me and I want to know what

Good luck elbi as you start your ttc mission!

Angel sorry about the witch

choo that is really shitty, I'm sorry. I hope you get some better luck soon, you've been dealt a cruel hand lately. Glad you've got some irl support there.

snooze Ah, feeding the egg, good point heads to the kitchen for a snack

feline 9 times in 9 days! I think you've got a shot at shagger of the month with that record! We have to fit in our shags late at night too.

johnny gx the witch stays away

Welcome scuttle, and congratulations on the normal test results. Sounds like you've had a hard time there. Sorry to hear you're in pain, I hope it all settles down soon.

inside gx for a normal cycle and good work on the shagging!

sofie that's remarkable self control leaving the pissy sticks at home! Hope you're having a nice holiday. GX for you, sounds promising!

Welcome rubberduckies, that's some epic lurking there! Good luck.

trijo for the advanced bedtime cuddles.

I'm 6dpo and the TWOT is going painfully slowly. Going on a hen weekend this weekend and not sure whether to avoid the hot tub just in case.

Pretzel, joining hands for the tww. I am 8dpo. Hoping for 10day LP. Hoping! I can bloody feel AF getting all ready and we only dtd once this cycle about 24-36h after OV I reckon.

So 99% chance of nothing.

But..... I had a temp spike this morning and my chart when I had dd was triphasic..... argh someone slap me so I don't get my stupid hopes up!!!

I am also waiting to hear about the outcome of a promotion app which I will know about any day now and between the two things, the suspense is killing me!!!!

WHY WONT I FUCKING OVULATEEEE

Hi to the fellow new posters :D

Johnny a spike is better than nothing!! Quietly keeping gx for you!

I'm waiting to ovulate, but my cm is staying watery & there isn't much of it. Not seeing OH until tomorrow night as he's collecting me & a bunch of my stuff (we're in the process of moving in together) so I guess not ovulating is a good thing but I'm also panicking I won't ice this month. Stressssss. Feeding the egg refreshers and sulking.

Hand hold johnny - cycle buddies! Good luck for the promotion as well. No idea what triphasic means

snooze I hope something happens there soon. I have no CM at all, really, I guess cause I'm still breastfeeding DD - I'm hoping that won't be a problem.

Thanks pretzel - it already feels like a mission and we've barely started! 😂 Not due to ice for a week or so though so got a few days to work out which way round the cape goes. And refreshers Snooze! Are they still around?! Best news I've had all week if so.

Gx for everyone!

Pretz triphasic is when you have an implantation dip in temp followed by temp spike at end of your luteal phase, right when you would expect to get af. Can indicate pg!

Temp lower today but still higher than previously in this cycle.......

Slaps hands for carrying on temping after confirming icing!!!!

Many a (slightly) sane viroid once told me that you'll drive yourself (more) mad analysing post ice temps

I tell myself I should try temping, then I have DS waking me up with a headbutt at 5:30am and realise that I'd never get accurate data.

Pass the coffee. He was full of beans after that...

So. FINALLY having a proper period! Nine months after coming off that blasted depo. YAY!

Already suffering and recounting the trials and tribulations of periods in my youth. Gas, bloating, agony, feeling like I'm pissing myself every 5 minutes.

Case in point: Just back from Boots, needed sanitary towels. Got the loo, in my male dominated office, and realised I've bought incontinence pads instead which are completely different, about an inch thick and have no wings. I've walking around, back to the walls, squeezing my thighs together to minimise the rustling. Discreet my arse. Didn't even occur to me the packaging might have been redesigned in the last 15 years. Sigh.

Oh FS I'm sorry for your predicament but can't help laughing at the incontinence pad mix up!

Elbi YES! I think they've only just come back but I found them in my local Sainsbury's last week and I'm getting through 2-3 packets a day at the moment! (35p a pack in Sains...)

I have a confession to make. I broke. I brought cuntraband. I had to know. I bought them today from Sains along with a stack of those throwaway plastic cups, they only had Barbie ones and the cashier was like "OOOH HAVING A PARTY ARE WE?!". Made up some bullshit about a friends daughter instead of saying "No, they're my new piss cups".

Anyway I did an OPK and it was negative so fuck the world -goes back to eating refreshers-

Feline That's my main worry about TTC, that we either won't have enough sex to actually get pregnant, or we will force ourselves to have it when neither of us are feeling it and it all gets a bit forced.... Im sure it will work out somehow!

Scuttle Sorry for taking your new found newbie status - I'm happy to share the newbie crown. There's a crown right?

Trijo Advanced cuddle eh? Is the next level some sort of complicated karma sutra?** And lucky you with a good morning head butt....maybe you can train him to do it at the same time each morning?

Sofie Gx for you. I think there's a tendency to overthink things and convince yourself something's wrong, in the nicest possible way I hope you're wrong!

Pretzel Gx for you too that you can enjoy your hen weekend. Do you stop drinking in your TWOT too? And Gx for the CM!

Jonny What is the promotion? Hopefully you find out about both suspenseful things asap!

Lil Moving is stressful! At least once it's done you'll have more opportunity for quick shags! Jealous of refreshers....And I LOVE the idea of your barbie piss cups. I feel like I want patterned or characters ones too - you know for if I fall off the wagon so to speak

Elbi Hope you work out the cape before it's next needed. Refreshers are awesome.

Country I'll try to stay clear of temping to avoid any slappy hands!

Fs I'm sorry about your sanitary towel saga - why a nightmare! I'm afraid I did giggle at your situation too - just the image of you shuffling along the wall so no one saw your massive incontinence pad!

I'm still lounging around on the starters blocks, but will be joining the shagathan soon!

Anyone else having trouble posting? This is my third attempt at writing this so sorry if it lacks a little pizzazz/I get everyone's names wrong.

johnny I'm genuinely baffled by temping, I might read up on it just so I can understand the lingo though.

passes the coffee to trijo

fs your description has me in stitches, also hoping they're not too indiscreet, I'm in tena every day since having DD

snooze barbie ROCs! And disposable! I use a gu pot.

duckies No, I drink in moderation etc, just thinking heat might have a more immediate effect on the off chance there's a little fertilised eggo in there. You're looking very fetching in your newbie crown.

So sorry for being awol bee.mn hectic week. Will post properly soon.

Pretzel I'll teach you to temp bad viroid

FS oh dear

I am on cloth pads since DD..... I sometimes remember wistfully back to what having a pelvic floor was like.....

How are you today Choo? I didn't intend to keep temping after OV but it is such a habit now

AF not here but clearly in the post. Boo. Going for (by my standards) longish run tomorrow morning so cannot even have wine tonight or will feel like hell!

pretzel there were issues with the mobile site last few days. Pita!

Ah honey not just me then.

Hooyah johnny, you're not out till the witch pulls up!