Thread 27. TTC #1 - we're stressed, we're fed up, we're bitter but I promise this will all be worth it when we're holding our precious babies

[AlexiaB]

Calling all OPK-ers, Temp-ers, Clomid-ers, Femara-ers, IUI-ers, IVF-ers and anyone else on the TTC #1 Bus.

We've been going a while now so the novelty has worn off and we're slightly battle scarred and bruised in the cervix area. We don't get a lot of baby dust in these here parts, we just keep it legs spread and fingers crossed (LSFX). We love a baby bomb from a prior bus-mate but if we get told to 'just relax and enjoy it' ONE MORE TIME you will get a punch in the face!

Here's our Grad's Thread. May 2017 lead us all to upduffed heaven and the Grad's thread, amen.

Hop on board, post your stats and prepare to be dazzled by the wealth of TTC knowledge we long-timeys have to share...

Key:
HS - have/had sex
GOS - good old shag
ELH - enthusiastic lavatory happenings
LSFX - legs spread, fingers crossed

Don't be too hard on yourself carley, it happens - hope the hangover's lifted :)

flash sounds like you have it down! Impressive planning

pyjamas sorry things are still frustrating with OH...does he struggle to put those kind of moods into words? Maybe there's another way to broach it, e.g. cutting to the chase yourself and asking whether he's sad/annoyed about TTC, rather than leaving it open for him to explain. Though appreciate it's shitty and hard when you're going through it too

So sorry pjs and jam for AF 💐. I'm so gutted for you.

And so rubbish to hear about your DH pyjamas. As others have said he's clearly struggling but that is no excuse for taking it out on you. Would he be up for exploring counselling? Sounds like he needs to get something out. Don't they offer counselling as part of the IVF process?

Good work on the wedding bluebell. Sounds like you handled it really well. Hoping AF stays away for you.

Clomid sounds like a good next step jam. I hope the FC agrees. How's the new place? I hope that's been a distraction for you.

Good luck for FW flash, sounds like an ace plan.

skip have you managed to keep the dog?!

Thanks for the messages since I posted yesterday 😘😘

I really think counselling is the way to go chlo - I can't go through this much upset every month, it's exhausting. Honestly makes me want to give up on TTC entirely. He doesn't like me drinking because of TTC, and to be honest, I only ever have one or two now and then (bar last month when I overdid it once) Yet he went for a few pints last week and came home pretty tipsy, and even bought me a pint on Friday so he's inconsistent. As soon as I mention having a pint, he thinks I'm doing it to wind him up.

Yep - we went private to the lister and it was also recommended to me by a work colleague. They offer free counselling as well which I think we'll definitely be doing if (and it's a big if right now) we go ahead.

He's definitely incapable of putting feelings into words quiet which is tough because I'm the total opposite. I have cut to the chase with him and it is that, but we just deal with it totally differently. We just had another bust up with him ending up stomping off downstairs and me staying upstairs crying. He sees my sadness as weakness and doesn't understand why I don't plan things in advance to distract myself if I know I'm going to feel sad (I did - I went shopping yesterday and for a massage today), I just sometimes need a bit of time to be sad. He needs to distract himself entirely and that means detaching from me as well which I find hurtful. What a mess.

Don't beat yourself up too much carley - this is all very hard and you should let your hair down once in a while!

Your sadness as weakness?! I hope you're OK pyjamas, not surprised you're finding it exhausting each month - that sounds so hard. Hope you get a chance to look into counselling, but hugs in the meantime...hope a night's sleep gives you some rest & OH some perspective xx

Huge congratulations Macs - what a beautiful line! I'm so pleased for you

I'm sorry about AF Jam Hope your lovely new place has been a welcome distraction. I really hope they give you Clomid but if they don't there are options if you're willing to order from the UK pharmacy and arrange your own scans for reassurance. Sometimes you have to take things into your own hands. A friend is 16 weeks pregnant thanks to Femara she ordered from New Zealand because the NHS refused to help her as she had a 6 year old son. Even if you ovulate on your own Clomid (and other fertility drugs) produce bigger/better eggs and more of them typically. Sorry, don't mean to go on but I'm passionate about doing what you can if they say no!

Hope things work out next FW Missy, I know missing a month is hard but you can only do your best

Carley don't beat yourself up, once is often all it takes. Hope your hangover has cleared.

Hope you're doing alright Kerry? I'm 9dpo and it's dragging! So I can only imagine how you're feeling 🤞

Inspector your holiday sounded incredible! Glad to see you back here

@kwick not sure it I said before but I'm so sorry your FC have thrown you under the bus now. How ridiculous. I hope once you're settled in your new role you can focus on yourself and weight loss more or look into a clinic abroad. Hope you're ok xx

Yes skipper, did you keep the dog?

Oh pyjamas I'm so sad for you. I really think your DH is out of order with how he's treated you today and counselling definitely sounds like a good plan. Something isn't right. It seems like he has unrealistic expectations for you not to feel upset when AF arrives. Well HELLO, us women have hormones!!! I had a kind of similar thing with my DH ages ago. He kept saying "please don't cry babe" every time I would cry. This was only because he literally hates to see me upset when he can't fix it. So I told him please don't say that, let me cry. I need you to just hug me/rub me and let me get it all out of my system. Maybe you could ask for a similar thing? You are not weak for crying - TTC is heartbreaking and every single cycle feels like you're grieving your baby and dreams for the future. You need tell him this is absolutely unavoidable and it's worse to keep it all bottled up. You're not a robot! I'm glad you had a nice shopping spree and a relaxing massage today. It's a shame he was so selfish/childish and went out for dinner alone that would have really upset me. I hope you can figure things out and that he can be more comforting and understanding in the future. If you don't have him to turn to for love and comfort then it's a shitty situation really Hugs.

Sorry that was meant to say - every failed cycle*

Sorry to hear of your struggle with DH today Pyjamas. I hope he remembers soon all that you talked about last month and that you're in this together. Thinking of you. Your strength and PMA inspires me.

Thanks so much everyone for your support, I really don't know what I'd do without you sometimes!

We had a chat and I basically said what you've all been saying. I said that I understand that he needs distraction and detachment because that's how he deals with sadness and disappointment, and that's fine my me, he just needs to give me a little assurance that he still loves me, give me a kiss and a cuddle then we can go off and deal with things the way we need to deal with them. It's the immediate detachment with no warning and feeling like he's angry with me that I can't deal with and makes me feel shitter than I already do. He's also agreed to go to counselling, so we'll be using the lister services for that. So at least there's progress. It's difficult because it's hard for us to support each other when we're both upset and deal with things differently. When it's just one of us upset about something, it's easier for the other one to be there for the one who needs support.

Thanks again everyone - hopefully this doesn't happen again at the end of the next cycle!

Really appreciate your advice alexia I'll see what the FC says but may well investigate this further if he says no again

Pyjamas may be way off but do you think an element of hurt male pride going on here? It occurred to me it's pretty callous to dismiss your sadness as weakness. Injured male pride could cause this kind of lash out. It's not an excuse, but could explain his caveman approach here a bit

Thanks for all the AF support you guys are the sweetest 💐

I think there's an element of that jam - not that he'd ever admit it. Something else to unpick in counselling!

Cross posted pj - sounds like a really positive chat and think counselling is a very sensible and helpful thing to do. To be honest I think we could really do with it too

Glad you had a chat and agreed to go to counselling. Sometimes the biggest step is actually admitting you think you would benefit from it and also to show willing. X

so sorry you have all that to deal with pyjamas im glad hes agreed to conselling though. hopefully they can help you both find ways to understand each others coping mechanisms. my oh used to ignore me when im upset as i dont think he knows what to do but because i can be a mellodramatic bitch at times id make it so bloody obvious and keep sitting near him that now hes learnt he just has to be nice to me and talk to me and im happier a hell of a lot sooner- seriously though i dont understand why this isnt what they would do anyway?!?!

with all the IVF chat i just looked up my areas eligibility- if you have unexplained infertility its three years of regular intercourse with no conception before you can start (but you can be reffered after 12 months), if you have a miscarriage during this time then the three years starts over. If can be after 12 months if there is a documented cause of infertility that makes conception impossible .

question- probably for alexia as she is the temping master. I started temping this month out of interest as to when ovulation occurs cf to positive opk- so apparently i ovulated the same day as my positive opk?? does that happen? which makes me 4dpo but today its dropped basically to baseline. Will have to see what it is tomorrow but its a bit odd but who knows whats normal for me.

Glad you have got things on the route to being fixed again Pyjamas. It must be horrible thinking with each upcoming cycle, you may have these reactions to deal with as well as the news of a BFP or AF either way.

Glittery I'm going to have a look at my local areas rules too. Good idea. Is it bad that I'm not sure if I want to do ivf. I really want a child, but I'm not sure I can go through the emotion of ivf.

I'm due AF on Thursday and my lower stomach feels a little crampy already - totally rubbish but I think I'm already out. Boooooo.

Next month I'm out of the country in another time zone when AF should arrive and won't be with DH. So I was hoping more than ever that this month would be the one.

Have a good week all!

Pyjamas - I've joined the convo late but glad you've managed to speak to your DH about it. You are certainly very different people, men and women are always wired differently emotionally anyway but his trigger seems to be the alcohol. I think you've said it before but that's obviously the only thing he feels he has any control over, so he takes it to the extreme and contradicts himself all the time because he feels helpless in every other aspect. Counselling is a very, very good idea so I'm glad he's agreed to it. Hope you're feeling a bit better now xx

Alexia - what are the potential risks of taking clomid? I'm tempted...

And no, wasn't allowed to keep the dog but we took him to a shelter so hopefully someone else will I've him a forever home.

Oh gosh. So, I totally felt weird this morning. Stomach feels slightly crampy as per my earlier post and I thought it was AF on the way but the optimist in me thought I'd give a cheap test a go and it's showing as a BFP. So I've done another and a FRER and they are all BFPs. I can't believe it. I had to phone my husband to tell him. Can't get over it. My hands are shaking.

Congrats MrsBlue!! xxx

Thanks Sk1pper. The cynic and anxious person in me is already thinking this is too good to be true and that my world will come crashing down very soon. Regretting the few drinks I had on Saturday but at least it wasn't many.

You're right skipper - it seems like the only thing he can control, and I react very badly to be controlled.

Had an awful night - we did make up, but he was tossing and turning for ages then he got up for a while and cam back to bed at about 2am. I then of course couldn't sleep so I went to the spare room and all these anxious thoughts started circling my head at great speed (what if nothing works, what if we never have children, what if our marriage doesn't survive it, resentment towards him for being incapable of being understanding and ruining yet another weekend etc etc), it was a real whirlpool of anxiety. At work now and dead on my feet - but at least I've been able to nab a 'quiet room' to work in on my own all day. Nothing worse than an open plan office when you feel like you're going to burst into tears any second. A colleague has just given birth and it's all anyone is talking about, so I could do without that as well.

Must have been so hard to not keep the pooch skipper! I have a real soft spot for dogs!

Totally understandable that you feel that way about IVF bluebell - it's a huge and very personal decision. In my area it has to be a two year wait before they consider you for IVF and then you get one cycle - we haven't got time to play with, so we're going straight to private.

Oh my sorry for the cross post bluebell - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Oh my goodness bluebell! Congratulations!! You must be gobsmacked

Thanks jam and pyjamas. Yes I'm totally 100% in shock. Totally shaken up. Can't stop thinking about it. Feels surreal. I can't help but think we've been here before though...... although not with tests as strong as that, but we had a suspected chemical pregnancy back in December. I'm going to do more FRERs tomorrow and then book in to see the doctor asap.

Pyjamas I'm so sorry to hear you didn't have a great nights sleep. Have you got the evening with DH so you can chat about everything? Any possibility of starting some counselling sooner to help you through the next few months? Thinking of you!!

Can't imagine how surreal it must be MrsBlue - don't worry about those drinks, it was far too early to do any harm.

Pyjamas - know what you mean about open plan offices, they are he fucking worst when you need time and space to think. I hope your day is over quickly xx

Hurray bluebell. That's brilliant. Congratulations. I know what you mean about feeling cynical but try to enjoy it 😊🎉

pyjamas I'm glad you got to talk to him last night. Totally understandable to have thoughts going through your head stopping you sleep. I hope you get through today ok.