10+ months TTC

[Kookie88]

I've just reached cycle 10 and I'm despairing. I've tried to stay focused and positive all this time but it's all gotten a bit much. Each month I've tried something new but nothing seems to be working. (This month is acupuncture month, last month was fertilitea month)!

I guess I just needed to vent I don't want to sound like a total debbie downer but today's been tough!

Sooz YAY!!! Oh my god FINALLY WE HAVE A BFP

You must be over the moon!!!

Amazing sooz!!! Congratulations! X

Sooz huge congratulations! Fantastic news and you give me hope!

Oh wow Sooz that’s fantastic!!!!

So nice to hear that it can happen. Wonderful news

Thanks guys, it is very surreal. I was starting to lose hope. We just went to the supermarket and I bought 4 more tests - 2 frer, 2 digital, so will be testing-crazy this week! I'm going to be super-paranoid about anything going wrong, especially with me at 36 and DH at 48.

We haven't told anyone yet, DH says wait until I've tested again tomorrow. I think he's in denial atm!

sooz that's amazing, congratulations! So pleased for you. Glad we have finally had some happy news on this thread! xxx

And cola your previous post about that cycle of emotions and blaming yourself - completely agree! I think it's because we are used to being in control and with this it just seems so hard to explain why it doesn't happen when you do everything right, so we think it must be our fault rather than just bad luck or some medical issue as yet unexplained. Urgh xx

Congrats Sooz!!! Fantastic news!!!

Hi sunshine - So sorry you've been finding it tough lately. It's difficult. And it can be quite lonely. As much as dh tries to take it on himself, he never can fully. I second counselling. I'm a big believer in those sorts of things. Can I ask what your clomid side effects were? I've nearly finished my course and I feel crap. Bit tearful, but mainly it's my stomach. It's huge! So bloated and feels really sore. Got myself in to a Google black hole looking at symptoms earlier, which I'm trying not to do.

cola The baby bombs are tough. Not only because of the actual feeling of "that should be me", but I also struggle with how it makes me feel about myself! When did I become somebody that can't be happy for somebody else?!

Cola I go round in circles a lot too. I find myself wishing we had started trying earlier, as I hate feeling the pressure of time. It’s futile but I still think it. And I so identify with the monthly cycle of determination, never having quite as much sex as you planned to, and so on - it’s so hard to go on month after month like that.

I wouldn’t say I blame myself, we both decided when to start ttc together, plus I think having had all the tests and nothing being wrong has helped me to see it as just a situation in which we are equal and neither is to blame. I think it could have been harder if there was an issue with one of us.

I certainly have plenty of crap moments (normally when I’m tired and hungry and hormonal) when I get all upset and blow it all right out of proportion, like yesterday I found myself crying in the shower for no good reason at all really - I just freaked out a bit thinking about everything. But overall, although the monthly kick in the guts is still horrible (some months more than others) I do feel I’ve made some progress in my head, if not in reality, if you see what I mean. I think having some kind of deadline and trying to think of things in steps is helping me at the moment. So I’m trying to see referral as the next step, and then it will be first clinic appt and so on.

You said you had some telephone counselling before and it helped - would that be an option again? Just thinking how you could reframe things. I know we will be offered counselling for IVF and I’m definitely going to take that up and see if there is anything I can do to reduce my fears. I definitely need to talk them through at least. Reframing is such a good word - if there is one thing I’ve learnt this last couple of years it is how much it is possible to change the way you think about something. So even though you can’t change the situation you can change how you see it. It’s amazing how much it is possible to do that.

You’ve come so far, Cola - you’re doing great at coping with a really tough situation

booksandstuff similar symptoms to you, on the 4th day of taking them I woke up feeling SO bloated and had really bad stomach pain, plus headaches and nausea. Also had a few hot flushes which weren't too bad. And I kept crying, the baby bomb didn't help but I think I would have coped with it better if my hormones were under control. I found the symptoms subsided once I finished the course, apart from the emotional ones but it's hard to know if that's the drugs or just the situation! Hope you are feeling better soon.

Dealing with other people's pregnancies is one of the hardest things in this process I've found, especially the ones who it just happens instantly for, which seems to be the case with most of our close friends and family. I know rationally that it has no bearing on my situation, but it's just this constant reminder of something we don't have and we're not a part of.

We are both totally fed up with DTD this month, I thought the clomid would make me ovulate around CD14 so we put in a good effort from CD10 but I only got a postive opk yesterday on CD21! Definitely peaked too soon!

I have thought about counselling, i can access telephone counselling through work but I wasn't sure if it would be a bit weird over the phone, did you find it ok rather than face to face cola? I also got annoyed looking at the website where it went through the various life issues they could help with and it mentioned family problems, pregnancy, maternity leave etc amongst lots of other things, but I couldn't see anything relating to infertility even though it's so common and has such an impact on mental health - just kind of added to the sense of isolation really if that makes sense.

sunshine telephone counselling is surprisingly effective. I was massively sceptical but the counsellor said at outset because it’s on the phone there are less reservations and often people make progress faster. I think she was right. I’d had face to face counselling a few years ago and in that situation I really felt it helped me in a way the telephone wouldn’t because I couldn’t articulate my feelings and the counsellor helped me open up. I always try to think of it now as a low risk activity and with the phone if you ever really don’t like it you can just hang up. The first time I got counselling it felt like such a hi step and a big deal and now I’m quite comfortable, I think first time is just hardest!

Thanks so much trying xxx I feel really a lot of progress on the emotional front this last year and really quite a lot more perspective on the whole situation knowing how fortunate I am to have my little girl. I would say I’m good about it 95% of the time but one or two days a month - like you when hormonal or tired or hungry (so true!!!) - I just feel rotten and go through the whole cycle of emotion and blame and rah. I think it’s helped me a lot to focus on living the life I have and while the dream lives on, it’s not running my life. To this day it shocks me how obsessive about ttc I can become and how much it takes up my thoughts so quickly.

books that’s so true, I hate how I hate other people’s good baby news!! sooz you get a free pass, nothing but good will for you girl ☺️ How’s the peeing on the basket full of sticks going? I swear I’m buying ten after I get my bfp for the sheer delight of seeing positives and to undo my now very sad relationship with pregnancy tests!

Hi everyone,

I actually posted on this thread a year ago because I had been TTC for 10 months, is there anyone from then still here? Anyway I’m STILL ttc #1 and am now in the assisted fertility system but I finally got pregnant this month only to lose the baby! Talk about upsetting! Fingers crossed now though, I supose the silver lining is I can actually conceive...? So please can I hang out with you guys again? Hope everyone well. I don’t know if you guys have done stats. Just in case, here are mine:

Age: 32
TTC #1
Cycle: about a million haha ok 18
Pregnancies: 1 this month, ended in early pregnancy / chemical at about 5 weeks.

Hi Marriage welcome back. So sorry about your loss, that must have been really hard for you

Some of us have been here a while too. I’m 35, ttc#1, about cycle 24 I think now and just awaiting ivf referral. Where are you in terms of treatment?

Hi Trying 😊 well I had the bloods and ultrasounds etc what feels like yonks ago, they diagnosed polycystic ovaries but not the syndrome, they reckon I do ovulate and OPKs do indicate low, high and peak days as they should. So then they tried to do a hycosy but I found it so unbearably painful that they abandoned it 😣 I was then referred to a consultant and my husband and I went to see him last month (just before I realised I was pregnant, isn’t that always the way?!) and he has suggested that a lap and dye is the next step. But unfortunately now we’ve had to move to a totally different area of the country because of my husband’s job (it was unavoidable, he’s on a training programme) and so I’m worried we will have to go through the whole sorry process again! That was even more reason to be so ecstatic when I got my BFP. Obviously there were months of waiting between all the steps as usual - don’t get my wrong, I am very pro-NHS and believe they do all they can with hardly any money etc. But that doesn’t stop is being frustrating to wake whilst the biological clock ticks!! Ah well. How about you? x

I know you said IVF was next step but how is it all going?

Sorry typos 😕

Oh bless you, I struggled with my HSG (similar to hycosy) and it was not nice at all. Fortunately that is not most people’s experience, so anyone reading please don’t panic! Sounds logical to do a lap to check things out though. Cola on here is having a lap soon too.

All of our tests came back ok so we are unexplained. No bfps ever. Agreed in the summer to give it a few more months so we are due to see consultant again in a couple of weeks and expect will be referred for IVF then. Scared but resigned to it now as not ready to give up but really sick of fruitless shagging and monthly disappointments.

Hi marriage, I remember you from a year ago, I’m still here waiting patiently (yeah right!!) for my bfp to give my little girl a sibling, on cycle 24 now

I’m so so sorry about your loss; that is just so cruel having waited so long It is great to know you can conceive though I’m sure the loss still hurts very much. There is so much picking oneself up and dusting oneself off required for ttc xxx

Hopefully not too long to wait before another bfp for you. One of our long time members sooz got hers last week and it’s given us all a boost to remember it’s still actually possible that we will get pregnant ☺️ Xxx

Congratulations to sooz that’s brilliant news!! Thanks for the welcomes trying and cola, I’m sorry to hear your news and fingers crossed for you! You’re right, most people don’t struggle with the HyCoSy, I actually have a friend in the same position as me fertility-wise and she said she barely felt it. I have a history of finding that kind of thing very difficult.

Hi marriage, sorry to have to welcome you back. A loss after ttc long term is horrible. You sound like you're coping well and looking forward. It always feels good to be doing something and getting tests and investigations done. Hope they go ok for you.

This is my last cycle before starting IMSI. I actually feel a lot happier these past few cycles. Still get upset when af arrives but it doesn't floor me like it did before and I've been socialising a lot and living life whereas for much of this year I just hid away.

What is IMSI? Good luck with it!

I am trying to be positive, I was so upset and angry when the miscarriage started, I just stayed in bed all weekend crying, DH looked after me really well but probably thought I was mad!! But now I am trying to look to the future, maybe I’ll be visited by the Fertility Fairy as apparently that can happen immediately after a loss?! At least I can hope!

Hope everyone is well today x

It's basically the same as ICSI which is where they select the best sperm but a bit more magnified so improves the chances apparently. We could carry on trying as resolved the issues now but it's been 2 years so don't want to just keep waiting for t to happen

I really hope it goes well for you. We will get there! I wish things were straightforward though, my sister has two gorgeous kids, never had an issue with getting pregnant or with the birth or anything. Obviously I’m really happy for her and wouldn’t want it any other way but I do sometimes wonder: why me?! I know it’s not DH, he has champion sperm, the consultant practically gave him a high-five when he saw the results 🙄

Hi ladies, I think I had fallen off the thread, was looking for you all.

I can't even remember my stats either TBH

In fertile week now (probably) or leading up to it. I have stopped temping. I forgot to do it one month and then I realised I quite liked not knowing exactly when my period was due as it made me less likely to want to test constantly so there we are.

Will prob test this month though because I am due to go away for my cousin's 30th which I'm expecting to be boozy :)

Marriage, my DH has great sperm but has chromosome issues, sometimes this can happen so it's not necessarily the case that good results mean no issues. Admittedly it's a rare problem that he has though.

Hi Ladies please can I join you?

I’m 31, On cycle #16 although had 3 months of not really trying ahead of malaria tablets.

Starting to feel really down about it now. Began OPK a few months back and found that I was ovulating much later than Ovia app was showing me so have been doing everything right and as often as possible and still nothing and just had 2 baby news bombs over the last few weeks and really just want it to be my turn!

Feel greatful not to yet have had a MC and I see so many of you have had this horrible loss but feel down at the thought this may still be ahead of us...

But glad to see this has been a lucky thread for some xx 🍀