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Original poster

It'll never happen, and even if it does, something will go wrong. Hut of Doom part deux

800 replies

duchesse · 19/01/2007 19:43

There wasn't any more room for moaning with all those grinny smilies's eyes following me around the room.

Suspected (my own self-diagnosis) perimenopause, anyone?

OP posts:
Peachy123 · 02/02/2007 09:30

sorry i meant Cryptonomicon!!!!!!!

good luck Cryptonomicon

god im such a scatter brain!!

mum03 · 02/02/2007 09:34

Well, I am on the train tracks too, beansprout, I so totally am with you on the "What upsets me the most is that feeling of damned if I do and damned if I don't.", I am just starting the 2ww - that is two world wars right LOL. I already think that why did I do it feeling and we are not even there yet.... oh sod it pass the bottle would you....

rahrah1 · 02/02/2007 09:34

I tell you what.. I have had enough of my bloody family. My brother wants to bring his new baby home in 6 weeks time and show it off to everyone... OMG but I suppose he has the right... But he wants to get her christened at the same time and have a party etc... Well as soon as I found out I told my mother I would not be going to a christening and in some ways it was disrespectful to Bertie... It is just way to soon. Anyway my mum begged me not to tell my brother and she said she would tell him when she was in the US. She has been there since the 25th/Jan and she has not told him yet.. however he is still making plans for the christening and wants me to be godmother. She also called me to say 'am I going to even bother congratulating my brother on his new baby"...she gets my pain obviously as much as I get nuclear science.. I think she is scared that if I speak to my brother all hell will break lose and he will say things like "well I'm sorry your baby died but mine didn't and we are going to do all the things that you normally do" - he totally has his head up his arse most of the time so why not now... I just know him to well. The other option is that we find out when they are coming home and we book the exact dates to go out the country. I called her and asked if she had told him yet and she said ... I was hoping you would change your mind... Oh yer suddenly I'm cured of grieving for my son and everything is now OK... Right your get it don't you mother!

I need advice - this is spiraling out of control and I just can't take spending time thinking about this.. You guys are ruthless...Please help me!

rahrah1 · 02/02/2007 09:38

sorry just to clarify, my brother lives in the USA with his wife... They just had a baby girl and my parent rushed to their aid to be with them at the delivery... They are all playing happy families for the next 3 weeks in America....

mum03 · 02/02/2007 09:54

rahrah - do you think you would be up to telling your brother how you feel yourself? He will obviously be wrapped up in how he feels about his new baby, and probrably thinks that making you godmother will in some way help. He clearly does not understand, so if you can or your dh even ring and explain the situation clearly to him, then do so. He needs to hear the truth, your mother is not helping by hiding it from him. {{{{hugs}}}} to you,

and here have a virtual vodka on me rahrah, you need it.

sideways · 02/02/2007 10:14

hi rahrah, your family definitely seems a bit insensitive to how you are feeling. It must be very hard though for your brother as he must desperately want to show off his new baby and probably has no idea at all how bad you are feeling and how much it hurts you.

If you are not up to speaking to him, can you email him and just let him know you are still grieving for Bertie.

Do you think some counselling might help you to deal with this, if it spiralling out of control, as you say?

rahrah1 · 02/02/2007 10:20

I'm booked in for counseling with Cruse, but they have an 8 week waiting list.

We have sat down with my parents on many occasions and tried to explain how we feel.

I do feel sorry for my brother, but on the same hand his nephew died and it does effect things and unfortunately he can't just think of himself. Things should really be different for all of us as a family, but I feel that the grief is very much just mine and dh's.. everyone seems perfectly fine with continuing their plans as if he had never been born..

Me and my brother don't really talk a lot, so I think my mum wants to avoid any arguing, as she knows it could lead to us not talking at all... But I think that I should speak to him myself as well.

Original poster
duchesse · 02/02/2007 10:28

If your brother behaves like an adult about it, there shouldn't be any arguing. I think Id err on the side of ringing him directly, saying that although in normal circumstances you would be delighted a) about the baby and b) about being godmother, in this case it is just too soon and you are still too sad to do this. Then say that you actually want to be away when he comes, and could he tell you the dates now so that yo get on and book something.

I think if you just wait to find out dates, and then book, it will be perceived like a massive snub. If you are upfront with him, he has nobody but himself to blame if he too insensitive to rearrange his christening plans. Your mother will have to confront the fact that you are suffering too much to be considerate, and frankly, why should you?

OP posts:
Original poster
duchesse · 02/02/2007 10:31

Or even write him a letter or email if you don't feel able to speak directly. I do think that this is one of those situations where being adult and dealing with each as such would be beneficial. You mother is still treating you like kids, and I'm guessing, palliating for your brother's lack of sensitivity. Maybe in a couple of weeks, as he gets to know his new daughter, he'll realise how much you've lost, and begin to empathise with you.

OP posts:
Cryptonomicon · 02/02/2007 10:32

I agree with Duchesse although it might be easier to write to him rather than call so that you can be sure to explain exactly how you are feeling and there is no danger that it will escalate into an argument or he won't listen to what you are saying.

Janus · 02/02/2007 10:42

Crypto, know so how you feel. I have now told dp that we need to shag more, especially around the beginning of the month! We are both as bad as eachother, one of us falling asleep at the wrong time (it was me this month and I woke up at 3am realising I'd missed the boat and went downstairs and cried for 2 hours!). We've decided we are going to book a babysitter twice a week and go out and relax and enjoy eachother's company and one thing will lead to another. You don't have to do 'it' on a definite night, sperm can live for up to 5 days so just twice a week should cover it, 3 times even better! I have gone down the road of using OPKs etc and then jumping on dp when that line comes but it feels so forced, he's not stupid and it doesn't feel right so I'm giving up all that crap and going for more sex. I think we will both be happier. God, am I even talking about the same thing as you?!
Rahrah, your mum sounds like she's trying to 'keep the peace' and she's praying you change your mind. I think you should try and tell your brother how painful this all is and although you are very pleased for his joy, you cannot quite come to terms with christenings and being a godmother so soon after losing Bertie. He would have to be very insensitive to not understand where you are coming from. My bf in rl is 7 months pg, I haven't seen her since she was 4 months as she has moved away but I am seeing her later this month. Part of me is dreading seeing her with a huge bump and honestly I almost don't want to see her because it's so painful. I can't tell her but I'm sure she knows but I'm also sure she has no idea how much this affects me and it's over a year since my m/c. It's very hard for people to even have a tiny idea of your grief unless they have experienced something similar. I think you need to try and explain to your brother, as much as you can bear, how much grief you still have and that it is all too hard at the moment. I wish you luck xx

Catbabymummy · 02/02/2007 11:04

That is the problem, unless you've actually experienced a loss such as this, no-one can really understand what it's like. I get the feeling that because my baby died before I'd even started to show, it wouldn't hurt as much as if I had a child die in infancy. But that baby was a person to me and dh, we had so many plans for it. But it is hard to get this across to people.

rahrah1 · 02/02/2007 11:30

Thanks everyone for your help, I really need to deal with it... I will either speak to him at the weekend or send him an email.

I totally agree with you Catbabymummy, people say things like it's a good job he did not live any longer than he did, otherwise you would of been even more attached... Hello.. I was attached from the day we conceived...

It really is a miracle conceiving and then you have so many plans.. that baby becomes part of your life from the day you know about it..

Woooozle100 · 02/02/2007 12:30

eh up

popping back for a brief billeous moan & natter.

Rahrah - ditto what Duchese said. I don't think you're out of order in the slightest.

Crypto - having a similar problem myself. My hubby is a birrova hippy - the 'deliberately trying on key days' puts him right off. And he's had a sore cock this week so nada shagging. Is there any magic dust I can use on that?

Original poster
duchesse · 02/02/2007 12:40

ejb- how about some kind of aneasthetic cream before jumping on him? (wonders briefly if Deep Heat would do... ouch)

OP posts:
Woooozle100 · 02/02/2007 12:48

shudders have bad memories of deep heat rub for bad back followed by absent minded fumble. Owwww!

beansprout · 02/02/2007 13:46

Rahrah - I would echo what Duchesse said. You do what you need to do, this is far too painful for you to run around and protect everyone else, they may not want to recognise how you feel but that doesn't make it go away for you.
My SIL lost her 18 day old dd to SIDS and we had ds 7 months later. We had no expectations about what she "should" or "should not" do, and have just let her do what she needs to do to grieve. She has chosen to have nothing to do with him and while I sometimes wish it was different sometimes, I have no idea of the pain she must have, and still, endure and I completely respect her doing whatever she needs to do. End of discussion. She doesn't have to explain herself to me and neither should you have to do anything that hurts you. You really don't.

mum03 - I have that feeling too? The morning after, OMG, "what have I done?" type feeling, the joy of the 2ww, the hopeful build up and then the arrival of my sodding PERIOD again.... and so it carries on.

Duchesse - I may have to have you canonised for creating the hut.

ammylovesbabies · 02/02/2007 13:50

Beansprout, I think that approach towards your SIL and her grief is very admirable. x

Original poster
duchesse · 02/02/2007 14:07

Dammit! And there was me thinking I'd hidden the deep wrinkles and tea towel sari rather well...

OP posts:
beansprout · 02/02/2007 14:11

Walnut face! >

Original poster
duchesse · 02/02/2007 14:27

smiles beatifically

OP posts:
beansprout · 02/02/2007 14:29

To be fair, you are looking pretty good for a dead person.

I see dead people.

Anyone fancy mainlining some babydust or is it still a bit early?

Cryptonomicon · 02/02/2007 14:35

That sounds good. I am now in such a dangerous mood that I have agreed to go for a drink with a very attractive flirty man in my office. Bad move that will not solve anything.

beansprout · 02/02/2007 14:37

Tell us more Crypto

Cryptonomicon · 02/02/2007 14:43

well not much to tell really. He is very flirty and fun when we go out in a group which is fine but I have agreed to go for a drink after work just the two of us which is probably not such a good idea.

Not that anything will probably happen, I mean I love my husband and have no desire to do anything but I am feeling a bit vulnerable and low at the moment so probably best not to put myself in that situation. But then again, it is such a great feeling to feel desired, fun and flirty. You lose that after 8 years in a relationship.

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