Thread for the down at heart and lacking in optimism

[duchesse]

I probably shouldn't do this, but...lovely though the ladies on my current ttc threads are, there are times when I feel I need a break from the upbeat atmosphere.

My story- 38, going on 39, three children easily conceived in my 20s, ttc number 4 for 3 years before finally achieving a pregnancy that ended in foetal death at 12 weeks and miscarriage at 13 weeks (Oct 2006).

Frequent lapses of hope. I simply can no longer believe that it will all be OK, that this month will be the one.

Now contemplating stopping trying.

And it does seem that you get a lot more support if your baby was possibly viable. I had booked in with the midwife by the time I miscarried, but haven't heard from her again since then. She just crossed me off her antenatal list without so much as a phone call (I only know that she knew because I rang as a courtesy to cancel my appointment, to find out from the receptionist that it was already cancelled). I was given the telephone number of, I think, the miscarriage counsellors at the hospital, but really didn't want to go calling anyone I didn't know. A miscarriage, even quite late, seems to be something we just have to grin and bear.

Anyway, I am jolly glad that you are getting adequate support, Rahrah. I think there is quite a lot of difference between a baby born alive, who then dies, and a gentle in-utero death. You lost a child- I only lost a pregnancy.

It is quite obvious that people seem to have their particular jobs in the NHS and if you no longer fall within their job remit, then they don't tend to have anything more to do with you. My midwife did not contact me when I was in hospital for a whole month (Her office is on the same ward that I was on)...But she did visit me to complete my postnatal check ups to ensure my uterus was going down etc... Then she was off again... It was really hard as she was a connection to the pregnancy, but she has a heavy work load and said there are people who's job it is to support me and she will see me in my next pregnancy. I think its the way the NHS is set up..It's all very rigid...

I think you're absolutely right, Rahrah. It's just a shame there aren't more people willing to step over their fences. I was not, as a secondary teacher, supposed to do anything remotely akin to social work. That was dealt with by separate people (EPs, social workers, connexions people, etc...). But obviously, you'd be a pretty poor teacher if you didn't have the common humanity to ask a weeping teenager what the matter was, or help them if they came to you with a problem. everybody's job is way too compartmentalised nowadays with too little downtime built in to the system. We're all just operatives now...

This sounds really bad,,, but I don't think it helps the maternity unit that the nurses are all women and the patients are all women... Everyone had their place and did not like it at all if they had to do something different or was presented with something different from the norm. I was not a run of the mill case, as most of the women that I saw were in and out the unit and had their baby within 24hrs. Where I was there for over a month and if you challenged their rules or regulations there was hell to pay. One example was that I had an appointment with the consultant when I was 22 weeks, I wanted my husband to see the consultant aswell, but because the consultant was not seeing me within visiting hours my husband was not allowed in to unit to attend...At this appointment I was told by the consultant I had a 80-90% chance of delivering the baby very prematurely and it was unlikely to survive... Very nice and caring job done there!! I was in tears for ages and then had another bleed,,,,talk about stressing people out instead of helping!

Oh and to top things off my iron's just blown up!!! Talk about none of my women bits working!!!

hi all, can i just sneakle in for 5 mins??? Have breifly scanned through all posts, cant believe how much this thread has grown since i last peeked........
Please may i have a little drink to soften the edges a little?

What takes your fancy, Pussycat? Bloody Mary for you too? (somebody else is having one, over there, look)

((Actually a huge gin and soda for me please)) Reading all the recent posts, particularly from rahrah makes me feel almost ashamed, i have nothing in my life happening as bad as what she has been through, losing her ds
I am just so down about ttc at the moment, i feel stuck in limbo. I have till April before we see gyny again, and till then we are just shagging, ahem, shagging and more shagging. Sorry, cant even be in the mood to call it bd. Gosh am so fed up , i could really let fly this evening..........................gggggrrrrr!!!!!!!
Drink please sweetie, drink!!

I was trying to conceive with my son for a year and half and although its only been 2 months since his birth its back to conceiving again. I know all to well the agony of the conceiving game. Your life virtually stops as you don't want to book a holiday, just in case you catch or you think you are defo pregnant only to get your AF a couple of days later. Others around you popping them out like its the easiest thing to do...It's is a very hard thing to deal with, in fact agonising!

So, have a big drink on me... My shout!

Rahrah1 - I would definately try some counselling, especially if the consultant discharges you or the sessions come to an end. Having worked for the NHS for a long time, I recognise that sadly patients have to be very assertive and therefore I would suggest that you ask any member off staff who you see next, for contacts of counsellors. On occasions GP surgeries also employ counsellors for any patients (this sadly depends on the size of the surgery ie if its a large practice or health centre this service is often available). I completely agree with your frustration of role definition for the nurses and medics and its one of the reasons I left last year. But on their defence they are pushed to the limits with the amount of work and patients to see, that some simply fall through the system. This is no excuse, so be persistant till they hear you. Also thank you for the advise for me to use the miscarriage/bereavement threads - I've found it so helpful and the support has been amazing.

londonlottie - I always say it is sod's law, you book something and then it will happen..you don't book it and then it does not happen... Always the way...

PinkElephant - thanks for the advise, my GP surgery is really small, only one doctor. But my work provide a counselling service via Bupa. The bereavement nurse has suggested a CPN, if I feel I need it, but don't really want to go down that route at the moment. I am going to try reflexology or acupuncture... but in line with londonlottie - I wanted to make sure I was not pregnant first before starting anything like that in case it risked the pregnancy... That's if I was pregnant..fat chance!! I just can't help myself living in hope...

A glass of bubbly for the pregnancy in my head please....

room for a little one?

If the guinea pig shifts over a bit...there you go. Drink?

Just checking in after work and glad to see the drinks are flowing. Make mine a large anything and I'll catch up on the day's news.

Rahrah and all - have just opened a bottle of champagne for you all all cheers with the fizz.(clinking of glasses)

Rahrah, cant believe how sad I was to read your post - my thoughts are with you - I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Don't blame you for the extra drinks and drugs, Hey, why dont you finish the virtual bottle of fizz for us!

Now I would definately recommend charting... if I had started this 8 yrs ago I am sure I would be pregnant now... dumb docs for not even suggesting it and it gives you - rightly or wrongly - a sense that you are a little more in control and know what is happening to your body. (and DH now wakes up to the noise of the bleep, bleep from the thermometre rather than his radio alarm wont describe the language on here (may get cut off!).
LL - yes I have read Weschler's book (now my bible - purchased mega cheap from e-bay) and by taking the vitamins as recommended the B6 has increased the luteal phase (me thinks!) but who knows even if it is a placebo - it makes me feel better for now. (as LL said, if the LP is more than 12 days it gives the fertilised egg a chance to implant - ideal is 14 days hence why docs always work back 14 days from period to work out ov. date but this is crap if they dont know how long your LP really is) The added benefit of the vitamins is that my hair and skin have never looked better so hey, inside I may be pretty messed up but I look good to others
Now as you can see, re name (LNO), I can usually only get on here late, so I will pass around the virtual nightcaps and sign off for the night and look forward to catching up on your chatter tomorrow (wish I could join in but am a sad commuter.. and always home late so leave me a drink at the bar tomorrow before you sign off.
Cheers

A big strong drink for monalissie... The sedatives were being pasted round earlier if you want some....

Plus you have to enter into the competition, the most insensitive thing someone has said to you through out your experience..

LatenightOwl - evening...

Thanks for the info... I am going to start charting and going to get me one of those spit machines...

It is crazy, I was going through the CRM last time we were conceiving and were never really talked through the process of ovulation etc,... I just had all the tests and tried to have sex every 2nd day. Obviously did not work for us.

Thanks to everyone for their supportive comments about my son...Very kind of everyone to think of us... I hope I can support everyone in the same way XX

Great just turned on ER - new episode...love a bit of blood and guts (when it's other people's)

And Abbey is pregnant and just had a big bleed and has started labour, prematurely.

I really should not watch it, but always compelled to put myself through more misery...

Has anyone seen or got one of these Mooncup's... someone was talking about them on another thread. www.mooncup.co.uk

Got to get me one of those!

sorry, had to run. hmm, most insensitive thing....

doc telling me that my anorexia has stunted my womb so "if id eaten more my babies would have carried to term"
nurse describing my last mc as a late af (i was 6-7w)
my mum saying after 1st mc thatit was prob coz i subconciously didnt want the baby and i must be sooo relieved!

anyone for a cuppa?

I think mums clock it for the most insensitive comments!!

Since its so early in the morning, a cuppa would be nice...you could always sneak a quick shot in there too!

I agree with lottie & owl... it makes me so mad that women are made to feel like loons for wanting to find out about how our bodies work. I'm just reading Toni W for the first time and it's such an eye-opener. I only found out about EWCM a couple of months ago on here, before that I thought it was something minging that just happened to me! And I like to think I'm a reasonably well-informed 36-year-old woman. I'm amazed I ever managed to get pregnant the first time with my breathtaking lack of knowledge about what goes on inside my body!