You are not a robot and the ovary whisperer's chanting for you in the viroid commune with our carved cock relics- don't panic about the acid foof! It's JS 58!!!

[Ain626]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
   
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
   
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
   
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
   
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.
   

JSing lingo
~~~~~~~~~

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a Kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like 'something' = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing a Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 57 is HERE

The current Grads Fred is HERE

The current Mumming Fred is HERE

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is HERE

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is HERE

Stats sheet is HERE

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is HERE

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

[Catscatsandmorecats]

Woah! What a lot since I went to bed fell asleep on the sofa last night!

Just, Kwick, Black & Lil thank you all so much for all the information, and subsequent discussions. This is a whole new world for me, I am so clueless! Just the surprise fingering made me squeal with laughter.

Canters glad you're a bit happier this morning, it is really hard when you have days like that

Scottish GX GX GX! It is a proper symptom, and properly gross too. Keep that hope in your heart and pad in your pants

nfmc(chickens): I'm working from home and they just had a proper ruckus in the garden - so much flapping and clucking I thought they were under attack! No, it seems one of them got in the other ones way - how very dare she!

[NameChange30]

Hello from a newbie! (New to this thread but not MN) I started this thread yesterday and was encouraged by some of you to join, so here I am!

Name: Name (ha)
Age: 30
TTC: #1
No DCs but I do have two cats that I adore at the other crazy cat ladies!

DH and I have only just started properly TTC. We stopped using contraception a few months ago but for various reasons this is the first month we're actually shagging during my fertile week. It has been a mixed experience so far! But we're trying not to put too much pressure on ourselves. I'm avoiding OPKs and temping, at least to begin with! Just been tracking my periods using Clue. So I think I'm due to ovulate today or tomorrow, not sure.

Wishing you all lots of fun and fertile sex!

[stumblymonkey]

Hi name

Just had a quick peek at your thread....had a little snigger at the thought of pretending to play hard to get whilst secretly knowing its FW!

My DP was 'too tired' last night....I told him it's my FW and demanded that we have sex today. I told him I need his 'baby juice' and then chased him around saying 'I need your baby juice....give me the baby juice!'. We laughed a lot....but now let's hope it doesn't result in performance anxiety today!

Ain...I'm 5'6" but have a BMI of about 36 I've been vaguely trying to lose weight since TTC but I should probably start to get more serious about it in case I need a helping hand (and for healthy pregnancy, etc).

I had an internal scan for something else and they told me I had some cysts. Never formally diagnosed with PCOS but then it has been mentioned. Apart from being fat and having some cysts (lovely!) I don't have any other symptoms...my cycles are regular and I conceived twice before (but that was a few years ago). I'm assuming I'm ovulating but if we don't get lucky this month I will buy some OPKs just to check.

Kwick....what is down regging? I know it's IVF related but what's involved?

[FuzzyOwl]

Hi Name

[Catscatsandmorecats]

Hi Name

Stumbly Me and DH were both too tired last night, it is ridiculous. I suspect I may have iced early and the one shag we had was just about the right time but if not we really need to get back on it.

[FuzzyOwl]

We are often too tired as well but are determined to cover all fertile days. It just takes the fun out of it and I find I get really grumpy with DH if we don't DTD at specific times, which is obviously a really attractive thing for him!

[stumblymonkey]

DP is taking it on the chin at the moment. I think he's enjoying the novelty of all the sex but we are on only Cycle 2 so I'm sure it will wear off!

[NameChange30]

Hi everyone!

stumbly LOL at "baby juice" I think it's good to laugh about it all. Although I don't recommend saying "Let's make a baby!" just before having sex.. whoops!

I think today's the day (ovulation) because I'm feeling really horny I'll see if I can somehow jump on DH while also playing hard to get!!

Fuzzy I've only just started so not a expert but it might help to allow yourselves a night off if one or both of you really isn't feeling it... That's what I suggested last night - we did have sex in the end but I think it helped to tell ourselves we didn't HAVE to, if that makes sense?

[NameChange30]

Name change fail, whoops! I've asked MN to change it.

[5hell]

welcome name

I never told dh when i was theoretically fertile - he was a bit uncertain about ttc anyway, so wouldn't have wanted to pile on the pressure (though he was of course delighted with himself when it worked!). i just aimed for eod throughout, with a little more focus/insistence around fertile times ...if tired we'd agree to have a "functional shag" (probably better
know as a quickie), which osometimes turned out to be the most fun!

off to read names other thread with interest

[NameChange30]

5hell I do like a good quickie! I get bored when it goes on too long! And I'm not sure I could be bothered to shag EOD for the whole month... But I guess it's the best way if you don't want your partner to know when the pressure's really on.

[fruitlovingmonkey]

Hi viroids, welcome Name.
My DH felt the pressure of ttc too. I wasn't sympathetic at the time because I was desperate to get upduffed after mc. No real advice I'm afraid, just do what you have to to get the jizz lie, beg, steal, flatter

I'm another acupuncture fan. Make sure you find a practitioner you trust. Mine is also a medical doctor, which I find reassuring. The blog A Model Recommends has a really interesting article about using acupuncture for fertility, although my treatment wasn't as thorough as hers.

[FuzzyOwl]

By specific times, I really mean DTD a couple of times in my fertile week and if we miss that, there really is no chance.

[justtheonethen]

Welcome name gutted I missed your name change fail, nosy

canters I am a glamorous blonde, well blonde anyway!

Today brings me in a foul mood, tired, cranky, crampy and bloated farty. Going to have some wine, just bought a v nice Pinot noir and apparently gave dp a filthy look when he said he fancied a glass

Feeling depressed, I can't even summon up the energy to pretend I feel pregnant today. It's 11dpo so right on schedule for monthly feeling it's never going to be my turn.

[stumblymonkey]

FF and Ovia have my fertile window on different days...anyone else have this?

FF says it started on Tuesday and finishes today.

Ovia says it started yesterday until next Tuesday.

I feel like I might have a little ovulation pain today. But equally I might be making that up in my conception crazed mind.

[stumblymonkey]

Just....enjoy the wine! We have a lovely bottle of Pinotage in that we bought for DP's parents coming over for dinner last week, but turned out they only wanted tea. Result!

DP is teetotal so it will be mine...all mine....my precious.

[stumblymonkey]

Oh...also...what is this Facebook group of which some of you viroids speak?

[justtheonethen]

I have given up with apps. None of them got me pregnant! What info are you putting in? Do they adjust your fertile week as you go?

[justtheonethen]

Come join us on Facebook. We don't use it much but nice to put faces to names! I can try and add you if you pm me your email address, and if I fail I'll ask lil!

[Canters15]

Just I know that feeling, it sucks, all I can say is it WILL be your turn...I knew you were blonde, I know you'll get upduffed eventually!

Hmmm I kinda want in on the Facebook group. Presumably its a secret one?

Had a tiny bit of brown spotting this evening, like just on the paper when I wiped. Too early to kid myself it's implantation bleeding, probably a sign my womble is about to fall out of my foof.

We have another gifted bottle of champers from the wedding for tonight!! Very excited about it. Decided to order takeaway as well, but what? I am so hungry today, my course finished at 2 and since then I've been laid on the couch munching.

[justtheonethen]

I've already had Chinese

Yep, super secret, pm me your email address and I'll add you.

[NameChange30]

just and to you! You will get there!

To answer your question about apps... I'm using Clue, I just tell it when I get my period, and it estimates when I'm fertile based on length of cycle and an average luteal phase of 13 days I think. You can input more data (temperature etc) to make the ovulation prediction more accurate, but I can't be arsed with that, I'll see how I get on with guesstimating for now.

My cycle hasn't exactly been clockwork since coming off the pill. 26 days, 41 days, 27 days. The app says my cycle is 28 days but I think 41 was an anomaly and it's more likely to be 26/27 days. If I don't get pregnant this month at least I can get a clearer idea of my cycle length. That'll be the consolation anyway!

How regular are your cycles, ladies?

[NameChange30]

Another name change fail! #facepalm

[ScottishLady7]

I'd like to join the FB group too! lil I'll send you a pm with my email address :)

[justtheonethen]

canters to answer your earlier question, my consultant said it can treat any endometriosis (which mum and grandma had, not sure if there's any hereditary link?!) and that they can unblock your tubes.

name my cycle is pretty regular, 25-27 days. I had a few 30-33 days when I first came off pill and they have slowly worked their way down!

how do I keep missing your name change fails!