Forty and over trying for a first baby - join us here

[JessieMcJessie]

A year ago today I started this thread

Any 40+ladies out there TTC #1?

and, 1000 posts later, it has filled up with the shared experiences of various fantastic women who find ourselves hoping to start a family after the age of 40. And listen out Daily Mail - not one of us deliberately "delayed motherhood" to concentrate on our careers or frivolous pursuits. By and large we just didn't meet the right person (or decide to go it alone) till we were quite long in the tooth.

Trying for a first at this age has its own special challenges. The old thread contains its fair share of sad tales of early miscarriage and disapointing test results. However it is also a great place for success stories and positive thinking and it has been a lifeline for me over the past year.

Although those who already have a child or children and are trying for more in their forties are welcome to join (and we absolutely understand the real pain of secondary infertility), part of the value of this thread is the opportunity to share experience amongst those of us for whom failure will mean no children at all, rather than a smaller family than we'd like. It's also a place where we all share a sense of total uncharted territory where pregnancy and childbrirth are concerned!

There are a number of stalwarts who have been with me from almost day one and I hope you'll join this new thread too, but we all hope to graduate eventually to the pregnancy boards so new joiners are very important! If your fortieth is looming it's fine to join a bit before.

A newish poster asked last week if people could post their "stats" and I think that's a good idea. So I'll kick it off (feel free to include whatever info you feel like giving):

Jessie McJessie 42, TTC since October 2014 (13 months) having only met my DH at the tender age of 38. 2 chemical pregnancies, one blocked tube, low AMH, one failed IUI, 1 failed IVF and about to start our second IVF. Just moved back to London after 6 years in Hong Kong.

So, off we go. We have a special skill at scouring the media for stories of celebs having babies over 40. And there's no such thing as TMI .

hello i am 49yrs trying for a baby missed my period for 24 days had a clear blue test shows negative just wonder if am pregnant

I agree that some of this is a bit undignified.... I had a baseline scan yesterday with full on AF which was not pleasant for me or the scanner.... Yuk! I now have my medication fir my first riund if medicated iui - i have to inject everyother day. I have done trigger injections before and I am very proud of my prowess in this regard :)
I am sorry to say I do not know my AMH and keep on forgetting to ask but perhaps one of you boffins can tell me what a good reading is so that when I get my reading (hopefully when I go for my next scan on 29th) I will know what is what.
Congratulations Jessie!
Loueeza - hang in there!
Annie - great decision!
Daisy - enjoy Athens!
Merry Christmas everyone!

Hello everyone, Happy Christmas!
Annie so glad you are feeling positive about the future; it may be a cliche but this really is a good time of year to make decisions like this.

Daisy and Loueeza good to hear your uteruses are now suitably roughed-up, and that your tubes are in working order. even if the procedures were a bit unpleasant. Loueeza I think you'll settle into the injecting routine eventually, just a shame you have to do it for a bit longer than you would on short protocol. I may have mentioned this before, but my best friend is type 1 diabetic and has to inject (with exactly the same needle/ pen used for IVF drugs) three times a day, as well as doing finger prick tests up to 6 times a day. For the rest of her life otherwise she will die. So I felt that a few weeks of fertility drugs were a small thing by comparison. That said she had 2 kids in her mid thirties conceived very easily despite the diabetes so I did find myself sometimes thinking uncharitably that she had it easy!

As for me, all still seems on track as far as I can tell. Got a very strong line on an FRER on Wednesday (can't stop staring at it!) and did the clinic's test today as instructed, this being my "official test date" - came up a clear positive very quickly.

We told PIL over Christmas breakfast but we're very careful to stress how early it was and nothing was guaranteed, and said there would be no more updates now till 12 weeks, or if it goes wrong. MIL said that she wakes up in middle of the night worrying about us never having children ( they knew about the IVF, although not the specific dates) so was visibly relieved, albeit I could do without that level of drama.

I have no symptoms and am of course terribly worried that it will fails, but just trying to stay optimistic and take one day at a time.

Welcome to Kwick and hope you all have lovely days today. Xx

Thank you Jessie :)

Omg jessie how exciting telling PIL at Christmas!!

My AF arrived today so that's my "give it until Christmas" goal over. It's been 3.5 years of trying and I'm ready to stop now, at peace with not being able to have my own children. Feel ready now to accept it and move on to adoption. It's taken a long time and it's been a heartbreaking journey but as you all know, this pain is a pain worth going through.
Who knows what 2016 will bring...
Happy Christmas my 40+ ttc buddies!!!
Xxxxx[santa]

Happy Christmas all. Currently cd13 so around my ov window. We have dtd a bit so far this month (DH seems to have lost stage fright at other people's houses - good thing too as we're staying at relatives)!! I reckon I'm going to ov any time as had ewcm yesterday which I've not really noticed before. Had been temping again this month but forgot thermometer so it's gone out the window!!

Oh well, we're going to relax and enjoy ourselves this month!!

Nice to hear from everyone!

Jessie, that's wonderful news. Sounds to me like everything is going swimmingly. You must be so thrilled! I was beginning to wonder whether this ttc business really can work at our age - obviously it can!

Daisy and Jessie, thanks so much for the advice about the injections! You're so right, Jessie, that doing them for a few weeks is nothing compared to what diabetics have to do for their whole lives. I've actually toughened up a bit and am now not finding it so hard. The first one was terrible, as I said, and I still have a big bruise, but now I seem to have 'perfected' (!!) my technique and I'm fine.

Feeling OK so far, too ... well, sort of. Just got my normal PMT.

Annie, that really is great that you've made this decision. Have you looked into the details of adoption yet. Any idea how long it might take. Very exciting ... :-)

**Jessie I have just been reading through all your posts again - I am truly so happy for you! Take good care and get lots if rest :)

**Ayinkeade - did you do another test? If you are still sans AF perhaps time to see Doctor?

I went back through all my papers and found my AMH results from June. I had 2.0, the range for my age (41) is 0.7-21.2.... I guess I now need to research what that means. I have another scan on 29th so will get a feel for how the Menopur is working. I have enough donor sperm left for this cycle of IUI... So another decision I have to face, apart from whether to move on to IVF, is should I change donor too... Any thoughts? It was very hard to get a brown eye, brown hair donor...

Best wishes to everyone!

Hello all. Back at work for one day today but it's extremely quiet so an ideal chance to get on to Mumsnet .

Remember glad you're trying to relax and have fun - easier said than done but hopefully the holiday season will help with that. I've had a weird time in some respects - the BFP has always been in the back of my mind and I've felt slightly detached from other conversations as nothing else seems important and I'm just constantly willing it to stick. Happy though, but just a bit weird.

Called the IVF clinic this morning to report in the positive test - was a great call to make. Scan is booked for 21 Jan, which feels like an absolute age away - time is dragging so much. Nurse said "you'll be 7 weeks pregnant by then" and it felt completely and utterly unreal. I just said "well, hopefully".

My brother and SIL were staying yesterday and the day before. I had been in 2 minds about what to say to them as SIL, who just turned 40, has been diagnosed with complete ovarian failure and told that IVF will not work. They knew we were doing IVF, but not the precise dates. I thought it was inappropriate to say anything at all in front of her at Christmas so had decided just to say nothing unless and until we get to 12 weeks.

However it was impossible to hide not drinking and my brother ended up asking me outright over dinner. We tried not to make a big deal about it and stressed that we feel the risk of it not staying the course right now is really high. She seemed genuinely pleased for us but I really really hope that my brother knew before he asked how she would feel about an announcement and wasn't just being an insensitive twat. Our knowledge of their situation was a bit of an elephant in the room to be honest (though she knows we know). Tried not to mention our BFP again for the rest of their stay but she did bring it up in passing a couple of times unprompted, just general good luck wishes and a comment about how I soon won't for into some pyjamas they bought me.

On that theme, since I'm not even past the point where I had the chemical/early loss last time (that was approx 5 weeks), I hope you don't mind if I stay put here for a while longer? Perhaps if things go well I'll become more of a lurker but for the time being I do still feel more at home with this board than on a pregnancy one. Please shout if you don't think it's appropriate; I won't be offended.

Oh, Kwick I forgot to answer your questions. I'm afraid that an AMH of 2 is a bit below the median for your age and means that they won't get a hige number of eggs if you do IVF. However mine is 3.3 and they got 7 when they put me on the highest dose of medication, which was plenty to work with so don't despair. I have a friend (also a single Mum) with AMH same as yours, whose IVF worked first time.

This pdf from the Lister clinic explains more. (It also shows that for my age the percentage of cycles that result in a BFP at our age is 29% but 45% of those miscarry. Really scary.)

If your donor sperm has been properly analysed and is coming back with the right stats then it wouldn't seem worth changing it as it is unlikely to be the issue - from what I understand, apart from something called "DNA fragmentation" which is hidden, sperm problems are pretty obvious from a basic semen analysis.

Generally, I'd say move on to IVF asap if you have the funds. I didn't find it all that physically traumatic and the waiting is the same as in any cycle.

Good luck.

Also be aware there are 2 different measurements for AMH. So mine is 2.4 pmol/L or 0.34 ng/ml.
That is considered very low. I only got 2 eggs in the highest dose of medication. But both of those fertilised

Jessie and Daisy thanks so much for all your advice.
Brothers can be twats can't they? I nearly killed mine over Christmas!
Jessie I reckon you should stay on this thread as long as you like - this is about you getting what you need :)
I had my day 7 scan after 2 menopur injections - I gave 3 follicles at 11mm, 9mm and 8mm which is good progress compared to previous cycles. I just injected again and have another scan on 31st.
I downloaded an app which has affirmations and hypnosis to help with fertility... I needed to do something!

Sounds great, Kwik!
And jessie, yes stay on....you are our lucky charm and it will be fab to know how you get on!

Oh yes, Jessie, please don't disappear! Would love you to stay around and give us regular updates (if you'd like that).

I agree that you're now our lucky mascot, and anyway this board really wouldn't be the same without you ;-)

Hope everyone else is OK and staying cheery.

Strangely, I'm feeling absolutely fine on the down regging drugs. Think af has arrived today, right on time, so hopefully will be starting on the next drug next week.

Happy New Year to everyone! I wonder what this next year will bring? xx

Happy New Year all - hope it brings us what we all want so much. Am feeling nervous about the future but hopeful, not sure why as it does seem like the impossible dream as 43 looms ever closer at the start of next year.
Such amazing news for you Jessie, I wish you all the very very best and would love it if you stayed on this thread, it wouldn't be the same without you.
Loueeza I'm glad it's going better and you're settling into the drugs. Fingers firmly crossed for you. Anniehoo - a brave acceptance but exciting new life plan, I think it is a lovely idea. Daisy Kwick Remember and everyone else - lots of good wishes being sent your way. Come on 2016 - make it a good one.

Happy New Year everyone!! 2016 will be our year!

Happy New Year everyone! Glad we're all in such a positive frame of mind.

Nothing to report here, time seems to be crawling. Booze- free New Year was not so bad and even when my friends laid out this enormous platter of utterly delicious- looking blue and soft cheese I was glad that I couldn't eat it. I swear that if this pregnancy continues I will never ever moan about it.

Oddly enough yesterday I felt so tired all day, despite a good 9 hours' sleep, that I might as well have had a hangover. Thought it might be A Symptom at last but I feel very perky today so maybe I was just empathising with DH.

Is it really weird that I wish I felt sick?

Jessie not at all!! But don't worry I am sure it will come or perhaps you will be one of the lucky ones that gets no morning sickness.

I am having my 5th IUI tomorrow... Trying to not get too excited... The madness of the 2WW awaits! I am going all out this time - warm feet, pineapple, visualisation, laughter, milk, orgasms - anything I missed?

Ahh please don't go jessie! Definitely stick with us for a while we are all in it together supporting you though the next milestones.

Thanks wotsit for thinking I'm being brave.. I was feeling brave and really did feel positive about adoption and acceptance but I've learned that acceptance is fickle.

I've been a bit of an emotional wreck (again) over new year. Dh wants to draw a line under it so we can move on... But keep trying for a bit longer... Drawijng a line really means going on the pill or him getting the snip and neither of us are ready for that.

My friend just popped in with her baby and announced that our mutual colleague from work is pregnant. It was like a punch in the stomach. She was bouncing her baby on her knee which she said it. I couldn't hide my face I was so gutted and my voice began to break but I managed to keep it together. I am so delighted doe them both, they are younger than me, this is the way it should be. It just brings it right back into my face that I have failed. I'm not normal.

I'm in two minds about trying and it's driving me mad. One day I'm planning on my life as a professional woman, into art and making plans for a big South America trip and having a beautiful house and enjoying being a wide and a cool auntie... The next I'm considering buying drugs off the Internet as I'm so desperate to be a mum (I'm not going to). It all seems to be dependent on who the last person I spoke to was .. Which has always been a failing of mine. I cant make up my own mind. I wish I had access to an expert who could just tell me straight what to do.

I spoke to someone the other night about adoption and she said I really need to get a move on because we might get rejected because of our ages. (42 and 45) and that we need to prepare to be interrogated to within an inch of our lives. Then I heard a story about a friend of my brother who was rejected for fostering because of someone in one of their families - nothing to do with them and they are devastated.

I am so grateful for the good life I have and my health and I really need to spend 2016 on building up my self esteem and emotional strength again while making these decisions.

So I'm sticking around for a wee while longer too!!

Oh Annie ... I totally understand when you say 'acceptance is fickle'. Very strangely, I've been feeling almost not bothered about it all since I started on the IVF drugs. I don't know if it's a weird side effect of the drugs (!!) or whether it's because we're having an enforced break from ttc naturally. Then this afternoon I was having to hold back the tears in John Lewis because something DH said triggered all the emotions again.

A friend of mine said to me the other day (been ttc a few years) that she's finally started to make plans that aren't reliant on whether or not she does manage to conceive. I don't think it's an either/or, though. My two-penneth is that you should still continue to make your plans to go to South America etc. anyway, whatever you decide about ttc/adoption.

Sorry if I've asked you this before (maybe even more than once??) but what did you decide about IVF with donor eggs? At the moment I have that in my head as the last resort plan B (or C?) highly-likely-to-work option. Maybe I'm being a bit naive as I know it's expensive and not any total assurance, but still ... it helps me to know that option's there.

Jessie ... great to hear your updates. My sis had hardly any symptoms all the way through. She worried like crazy of course, but everything was fine. The midwife told her she was just lucky! I would feel the same as you, but of course there's still plenty of time for symptoms to kick in. I think I remember reading that they usually kick in about week 6 if they are going to ;-)

Glad all is still going well Jessie! I'm all over the place at the moment (see my other thread). Too much thinking about the past and panicking about the future. I turn 40 this year so probably need to resign myself to never having children. My fertility results were okay but still feel that I will miss the boat. Crap.

Oh Annie sorry to hear you're feeling a bit sad and you too Loueeza. I think it's all part of the beginning of the new year. Was on an up during Christmas and New Year as mentally managed to get myself to switch off from it - a kind of 'put it all off until the new year' attitude. Have come down to earth today with a bit of a thud and feeling a bit down. Annie for what it's worth I don't think you should put yourself under the pressure of trying to decide to draw a line under it by taking contraception or getting your husband to have the snip. We need to prepare ourselves for it never happening and perhaps start living as if that's the reality, but to stop trying altogether means it really can't happen, and some people do get pregnant late in life. The average age of women in 1920 to have their last child was 42 - so that means there were a fair few over that age too - if it's the average. I am exhausted by it all though and feeling very sad. Loueeza I totally empathise with the feeling teary thing, seeing my friend who has just turned 43 six months pregnant with her first is haunting me - I'm of course happy with her but it's hit me hard. I also keep seeing pictures on Facebook of another friend, also just turned 43 with her new born baby. I just want to be able to live my life and not feel like I have to make decisions based on where I'll be when next ovulating.

I've just got back to HK, packing everything away. This includes finding space for all the meds for my next IVF cycle.
I know what you mean about Jan slump, i feel quite removed from the whole process at the moment, wonderingly a little why I am doing this. I think cos it failed last time I think of course it will never work. I guess this is normal to feel this way.
One of the ladies who was out in Cyprus when I was has had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. Heartbreaking.
Hopefully when jet lag has passed I'll feel more positive

city there is a huge amount of evidence on this thread that it is perfectly possible to have children over 40! (I am not including myself in this evidence yet by the way...). I know that catastrophic thinking can sometimes get the better of all of us but it has to be resisted for sanity's sake. I say this as someone who had a right talking to from a friend last night about my miscarriage worries being out of proportion to the actual risks.

Will reply to the others later