Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

[townsender]

Time for a new thread, a sad welcome to any newcomers.

Introducing myself:
Name: Town?
Age: 34
Angel: DD 'G' born Feb14 at 27w by EMCS, lived 12 days (oxygen starvation at birth due to cord prolapse)?
Other DC: none?
TTC/Rainbow: TTC since Nov14, currently incubating a pea

[vicky123uk]

town if we get a sticky we've decided we aren't telling people for as long as we can get away with. If we tell anyone I reckon it would be a couple of friends (2 couples) who have been worth their weight in gold since we lost Edie. To be honest neither sets of parents coped very well. I probably being really mean about it all but I can't understand why parents have used it as a reason not to get on with life, almost letting it drag them down, surely it should have taught all of us that life is precious and extremely fragile and too enjoy it and seize every day doing things and seeing the people you love!

I know that looks really bad written down but surely if anyone was going to let it consume them it should have been hubby and me.

Period due this weekend either today or tomorrow, not really sure, still showing as positive test yesterday and no period today, yet, hopefully it will stay like that.

What about you town and lake?

[Flambola]

Hello everyone.

My son was still born on Christmas day just gone. I've just finished my first period so will be trying for another straight away. It might sound soon to some but I feel slightly obsessed.

[LakeOfDreams]

Well I had to tell a couple of people at work as I was unwell this morning after my nightshift otherwise trying not to tell anyone.

Hope everyone has had peaceful weekends, I've now got two weeks off work to use up the rest of my holiday!!

[Ducky23]

Welcome flambola, so sorry to hear of your son, and what an awful time to be going through that. How many weeks were you? I hope you have a good support network in RL.

I completely understand wanting to TTC straight away, I lost my first child, a little girl in February 2014, I TTC straight away and have birth to my rainbow in December, he was due Christmas Day but I was induced at 37 weeks due to anxiety.

X

[Ducky23]

*gave!

Hope your feeling better lake!

[Flambola]

I was 37 weeks - we don't yet know the cause but he was a bonny baby. Possibly placental abruption.

Congratulations on the birth of your son. Can I ask, how did you feel second time around? I know we'll be deemed high-risk but I don't really know what that means in terms of the care we'll receive.

Hope everyone is well... I'm a bit rubbish, just skim-read the thread!

[Ducky23]

How awful for you flambola

I got an early scan at 6 weeks, they had already booked my 12 week scan but it turned out I was only 9 weeks then so I had that and an appt with my consultant (who was rubbish) then I had my 12 week scan. The midwifes were great and were always at my house listening to the heartbeat when I wanted. I had my normal 20 week scan then my midwife went on holiday when I was 24 weeks and I was convinced (for the millionth time ) that he had stopped moving so I went to the bereavement midwife at the hospital who arranged a scan, she saw I had no contact from the consultant so she kicked off at them and arranged a different consultant who was lovely. She organised fortnightly scans with appts with the consultant and weekly monitoring with the ctg machines. I sometimes went in more often for monitoring when I was feeling worried. I was going to be induced at 38 weeks but after a difficult week at 36 weeks they moved my induction to 37 weeks as I wasn't coping well. I was convinced something would go wrong again and basically sat all day in tears with my hands on my stomach

In the end the care I received during the pregnancy was amazing (after the bereavement midwife sorted it out) but it was very difficult.

I don't think I would have lasted to 37 weeks if it wasn't for the ladies on this thread, they have been amazing support. I hope you find the same thing

[April1984]

Hi Flambola. Sorry to hear your story. I lost our son about a week before you in December (at 25 weeks) due to an incompetant cervix. I got my period back on the day of his funeral at the beginning of January. We started TTC straight away. I feel a deep need to be pregnant. I know it won't make it better but we need something positive to concentrate on. I just got my second period so no luck the first month but I will be cracking on again this month. Good luck for TTC. X

[Flambola]

ducky23 I'm glad you were eventually well-cared for. I can imagine how anxious you were. How are you now? Is your baby doing well?

april1984 - I'm sorry for your loss. What was his name? We called our son James (always referred to as Jim!). God, I so understand that deep need! It's almost painful... I've told people we will try again but I don't think we'll be as vocal about a second pregnancy.

[townsender]

Welcome Flambola, and so sorry to hear of the loss of your bonny son and on Christmas day of all days.

I lost my little girl nearly a year ago, it's her birthday on Tuesday. The pain does fade with time, but it takes a good few months to feel anywhere near normal again so be kind to yourself.
I was advised to wait for 9 months before TTC again for medical reasons, and the wait was torture at times as I had that same deep need to be pregnant again (which faded after 4-5 months I would say). I'm now 6-7 weeks pregnant, and definitely more anxious this time round, but still totally delighted to be pg and very relieved that it didn't take forever after starting to try. The ladies on this thread are all so strong, life goes on and we all manage somehow, but it's great to have such a lovely group to rant to and answer questions and hear stories.

In terms of care, every NHS trust seems to be different, so you will have to ask some questions to figure out how it works in your area. As Ducky's story shows, sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and make a bit of a fuss. First thing for you will be to make sure you get your 6 week post-birth appt, with your consultant obstetrician, not your GP. You can ask them about what to expect for your next pregnancy. My hospital has a specialist bereavement midwife as well.
I also got some extra tests done (blood test, GUM check, and a cervix/vagina scan) to check everything looked normal before I started TTC again. But I had to push to get that. And they didn't find anything.

Vicky, I have actually told my best friend, partly because she's working abroad at the moment so we email a lot, and it almost felt like an extension of MN to email her. I had to swear her to secrecy as her mum is friends with my mum! We're trying to keep it quiet for as long as possible in general though, and I don't think I'll be doing a FB announcement at 13 weeks or anything like that. I will just tell people as I see them and feel it is the right time.
We've got some friends/family who I know are having fertility issues, and others who we suspect might do. Going through a loss just makes us a bit more sensitive to that. I don't want to celebrate being pg (only having a safely delivered baby), and I equally don't want to rub it in anyone's face.
Sorry to hear that neither of your parents coped well – I am on the same page as you totally that you can't use this as a reason not to get on with life. Both sets of parents were pretty good with us (actually I've just received a lovely card from my parents for 'G's birthday), but I wouldn't/couldn't open up to them and talk in the same way I could with my girl friends. I think it's because you know parents feel pain too, and feel like your story could cause them more pain – their pain is partly for you but partly for themselves too. With friends, their sorrow is all for you.

[April1984]

His name was George. James is a lovely name too, I like traditional names. I agree, we will keep any future pregnancy very quiet. We moved abroad a week before I had George and so I hope to be able to hide away for my whole pregnancy when it happens. I would most likely be on bed rest for a significant amount of a future pregnancy and wish I could just be knocked out for the whole thing and then everything be ok at the end. It's so sad we can't all enjoy our pregnancies. I see so many pictures on Facebook of friends having baby showers and showing off their bumps and feel so jealous that they are enjoying their pregnancy. I know I will never enjoy a pregnancy but I guess we have to think ourselves lucky to be able to consider getting pregnant again and just think about the end result. I'm sure any future pregnancies will always be very worrying and I will see it as a period of time to get through, which in my case I am hoping will last for a much longer period than my pregnancy with George x

[April1984]

Ps - just a question to all of you, did your husbands/partners etc. find speaking to anyone other than you helpful to deal with things? I am worried about my husband as I think he feels his role is to stay strong. We both get upset often together and talk about things but I feel he is holding back a bit as he doesn't want to upset me. He also says no one else understands but me so he isn't keen to speak to friends etc. I do know what he means. Just wondered if your other halves found it useful to speak to anyone in particular, whether family, friends or other? Thx x

[Ducky23]

Flambola, my ds is wonderful thank you we had a rocky start as he needed iv antibiotics straight after birth, then had jaundice, then cmpi them was hospititalised with cmpi but he's improving every day now he often looks at his sisters pictures, it's as if he knows her

April my h always keeps his feelings to himself, he doesn't speak about them at all and he just stayed strong for me I think. When I was pg I signed up to everything baby related, after dd we got loads of phone calls from people we signed up to and I would just breakdown in tears when they called but h would whip the phone out my hand and tell them we lost her

[Apple17]

Can I join please?

[LakeOfDreams]

Welcome flambola sorry for your loss, I'd definitely agree with the others make an appointment with the consultant obstetrician when you are ready. Our was fabulous and very clearly laid out her expectations for future pregnancy and the care I should receive. In my trust they give a 12 week scan and a 20 week scan as normal, then I'll see the consultant between 18-22 weeks and then I'll be scanned every month unless they find any concerns and then they will scan as often as they need to. She wants to induce at 37-38 weeks although will do so earlier if she feels there are any issues. I'm only 5+2 and am definitely more scared than I was first time around. I am obviously thrilled to be pregnant but guess I'm too aware now that you don't always get a baby at the end.

April my DH has had a lot of loss in his life, he's from a very poor African country and was an orphan by the time he was 15. He lost his sister when she was 6 and he was 8, we decided to name DD after his sister and after some discussion decided to keep her name as we love it. He told his friend back at home but otherwise he hasn't really spoken to anyone about it. I had counselling and he didn't want to go. I guess he has his own way of dealing with things but it worried me for a long time. He does talk to me when he wants to and I just let him talk when he wants and remind him there are other people out there to talk to!

[LakeOfDreams]

Hi Apple welcome

[Apple17]

Thank you
I'll introduce myself
Name: Apple
Age: 32
Angel: DS stillborn at 27 weeks in feb 09. I had servere preeclampsia and my placenta failed
Other DC: DS 14 DD 10
TTC/Rainbow: Am 20 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby

[Flambola]

Hi Apple.

Oh yes, I'm 29, no other children.

april - My DH will talk to me but nobody else really, but like yours, I think he feels the need to be strong for me. He would like counselling though. We've been put in touch with the Alder Centre in Liverpool so hopefully he'll get an individual appointment.

[Flambola]

I haven't had an appointment with anyone for a 6 week post-birth thing. That marker has been and gone.

[Apple17]

Managed to post before I finished indroducing myself a little more
I'm not happy with the care I'm receiving in this pregnancy, I've only seen the midwife once and had one consultant appointment in 20 weeks, I really thought I'd be having a lot more contact/appointments with them. I've been trying to get good of my midwife since last friday, I've left message on her voicemail and left messages with my gp for her to contact me but I've heard nothing back.
I worked myself into a frenzy yesterday as I had stomach pains and hadn't felt the baby move so I tried phoning EPU but gave up after 2 hours of constantly trying to get through.
I have a Doppler scan at 23+4, I was hoping I would have had one before this as problems with my previous pregnancy where picked up at 22 weeks, I don't have another consultant appointment till 25 weeks, by that stage in my last pregnancy I had already been admitted into hospital with severe preeclampsia. I'm not happy with how late I'm having those 2 appointments I'm gonna drive myself crazy thinking something's gone wrong

[Flambola]

Can you go into triage? I'm sorry your care has been so inadequate. That's really shit considering your history.

[LakeOfDreams]

Oh apple I'm sorry for your loss but also the care you are getting. Try to google the name of the hospital you are under and then supervisor of midwives. A midwifery supervisor should be available 24 hrs a day speak to them and get advice. If that doesn't get anywhere go through the hospital switchboard and ask for your consultants secretary and ask for an appointment to discuss your care
Personally I'd phone the supervisor of midwives right now as it sounds like you need some more care!! Good luck

[Ducky23]

Welcome apple, sorry you have received such crap care so far! Could you possibly change your midwife? Or do you have a bereavement midwife you can speak to? It took quite a bit off fuss until I got my care plan in place that I was promised. I found changing consultants really helped. My new consultant was a lady (previous cons was a man) and it was the consultant who came to see me the day they confirmed dd had no heartbeat, I think because of them things she was loads more compassionate than the previous one. Also my midwife with dd just brushed all my concerns aside so I had a new midwife too and flat out refused to have anything to do with the previous one x

[Apple17]

Thank you all for your advice
I was gonna try and get through to my midwife tomorrow to discuss my concerns with her but I'm gonna call the supervisor of midwives instead. I understand my midwife has a lot of ladies under her care and is probably stretched as it is but I would have liked her to be a bit more understanding of my previous history and it would have been great if I could have at least had her there on the end of the phone for support when need be. I have my 20 week scan tomorrow morning I'm just hoping and praying everything is ok so far as I've already convinced myself I'm gonna get bad news

[Flambola]

I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow.