Step AWAY from the pissy sticks and get back in the bedroom, don your cape (but don't break his banjo string!) and get yourself a bun in the oven like Paul Hollywood! It's Just Shagging 31!

[Leela5]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in!  PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't? 

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Option decorations include photographs of political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession.  Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedinging!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

The link to Part 30 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2210024-The-Truth-about-Um-Bongo-Broken-Penises-and-Sad-Fleas-its-all-here-just-dont-talk-about-the-Elephant-in-the-Womb-Pee-on-Nigel-Farage-or-in-a-Thermos-and-Join-the-Bonkers-Bonkers-for-JS-30" target="_blank">here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2217843-Just-Shagging-Grads-14-Join-the-viroids-for-scanxiety-Toni-Braxtons-a-little-less-JSing-than-usual?msgid=50290589#50290589" target="_blank">here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>

Happy shagging, shaggers!

Go gaggia go!

Here's the mother to end all fuckers:

Shitting cuntflaps bitches!!

gliding sorry lovely will you book in with gp? Not sure what they even do to diagnose chem? Thinking of you, tis piss flaps, all of it.

Gosh, you lot are so foul mouthed! I don't think I can associate with you any more, you are not ladylike in the slightest.

Bunch of twatmonkeys.

I'm not sure there's much GP will do, really - I think it's so common to lose a pregnancy before it's implanted properly that I'd need to have loads more of these before anyone thought anything of it. If I wasn't obsessing over my cycle and stickpissing for Britain, I probably wouldn't even have realised.

Think we are taking a break from trying until January now, just to let life be uncomplicated for a bit. Mega health and fitness drive for me, too.

Gingers crossed for everybody here! And hope your GP is right, Tink, and you get upduffed before they even start prodding you!

Ha ha ha what have I started!!!???!

Ib la?
I've been trying to pretend I'm not twotting the last few days but not at work today so had nothing to take my mind off my lack of any signs of upduff at all. Getting myself ready for a visit from the bitch.
noniks only a tiny hooyah I completely plan on an ic tomorrow

I don't know La, its pretty fun. The pattern seems to be profanity + animal.

Shitcrocodile
Fuckgiraffe
Bitchpanda

I actually have a pretty filthy mouth when I talk out loud

Really not sure how e not had them la, I though they were usually the first step. Here you can't get FC referral until you've had them.

It's strange what you find fun lil - algebra? Nah!

I'm a swear box too honey. DH family isn't but MIL laughs every time I swear, she secretly loves it.

Right, who is testing next? I am trying to wish away my days and need someone else news to look forward to.

Ah Noniks, I have no space left for cake. Going through the phase of not being able to fit enough in my stomach to satisfy my greed. Hopefully baby will move and cake eating can resume imminently. I can however now drink tea, hurrah!

"COCP" bras chat?? The dizzy heights of a C cup I can only dream about. Mr Indigo refers to my small-but-perfectly-formed breasticles as "bee stings". Charming, and incurs much jesting over his tiny knob (not actually tiny, a decent size but always fun to mock).

Haha! I love this Fred! My procrastination evening entertainment has been sorted by watching an episode of Gogglebox and then catching up on the past few pages of this! Damn this fred moves fast! One minute we're all being totally unfeminist talking about our kitchen gadgets and the next we've all got potty mouths! I'm feeling the love for all of you lovely ladies viroids.

(Side note, why is Gogglebox entertaining... Watching people watch t.v. just shouldn't work, yet I'm a secret addict.)

Oh, also realised I didn't put this in before...

Name: Ainat
Age: 27
Ttc since: August 2014
Dc's: One fur baby in the form of a Jack Russell Terrier.

gliding I'm sorry to hear that It's so stressful that maybe a month's break will do you the world of good.

mountain what day are you on now?

Indigo I would smack DH if he said that to me. Although he would clearly be lying. E cup stealth boast DH loves boobs. I asked if he was excited about them getting bigger when pregnant and he said yes but he would be scared to grope in case it hurt. Aww, how sweet.

Ainat we're all mad here...

DH and I have started to play "hunt the sponge" in the morning. The cats steal the sponge out of the sink, carry it off and then rip pieces of it off. It is currently outside the bedroom door. As a result we have multiple sponges around and about the place. Just now DH revealed he found a mint humbug in the study. It was on the stairs. somewhere, their is half a cork they found in the garden, and of course the latest straw they stole out my glass on the weekend. (Didn't even notice and the glass was next to me. Just got up to find it gone and the cat chewing it in the bathroom!)

Bitches be crazy.

Speaking of crazy... I saw this now. My name it Honey and I am no pregnant. But I know which pram I am having, which car seat, which chair. I know which toys I can make myself and which "treasure bottles" I can make for each age and stage. I also know that I am going to use cloth nappies, which brand, where I am going to buy them and how much for. Ladies... I am addicted to pregnancy planning.

Oh, and I have already made two blankets and a multisensory play mat.

There is a 12 step programme for "Pregnancy Planners Anonymous". It goes like this.

1. Decide to TTC
2. Begin to suffer from PP addiction.
3. Attempt to seduce DH
4. Fail to seduce DH
5. Get DH drunk
6. Successfully collect spunk in your vagina
7. Repeat EOD for a month
8. Piss on stick at 7dpo
9. Repeat every day until giving up when AF arrives.

10. Repeat steps 5 - 9 for fucking years a few months 11. Finally get BFP! 12. Continue to suffer from PP addiction for additional 9 months.

Haha honey, you be crazy! But I want to get all squeeeee about cats for a minute cos mine do that too! Well, just one if them. She's a little thief! Takes sponges even though she shouldn't be on the side, moves shit, and most worrying is she is in a neighbours bin somewhere and has brought home am assortment of stolen treats. This includes a small teddy she now sleeps with.

Argh, cat mental!

How do you do strike throughs???

Aren't cats funny little things?

My old cat used to steal sponges. And tea towels. We'd often find tea towels in the most random of places because of her!

Indigo to do strikethroughs you need two dashes either side of what you want to strikethrough. like this but without the spaces between the dashes and the first and last word like this

oh honey you is queen of the Cray Cray!

la usually gp has to send day 21 bloods and sa with referral to fertility clinic but every pht dies things differently. can't remember how far down the road you got, but perhaps if you hadn't got pg they would have done it all at clinic?

dulcet I loved maths at school. its what drove me to became accountant, where the highest level maths I do is addition, subtraction and percentages!

gliding is it worth getting drs to put it on your notes just in case you need amo at a later date (I hope you won't but I'm a plan for worst case scenario kinda gal)

hi anait don't think I've said hi yet - sorry

OK so I feel like I'm missing out cock wank fuck arse twat kitten. ooh yes that's good!

so I've done a bit more revision tonight but that's it now. can't wait for 17:45 tomorrow when it's over!

in other news dh has taken 2 years to notice how much my boobs swell up after ovulation. he said "they're much bigger than normal" not for 3dpo my dear but thanks for noticing at last !!

You do then the word and then without the spaces :)

Your swears are hilarious ladies.

Some of my DP's swears:

Dickgobbler
Fannybasher
Gashmuffin

You can see a theme here ;)

Wankbadgers!

I dont know how you missed em either La ... it's like first line fertility testing here. I got mine sneakily early cos of mentals. They cost pennies for nhs.

Anyone want to adopt my cat? She's a total cockmonkey.

Honey

Loving the potty mouths.

COCP = Combined oral contraceptive pill. My boobs only grow to anything worth mentioning under the influence of hormones. I do miss my BF boobs, they were awesome if a little creepy

I'm proud of my small boobies honey, wouldn't swap them for anything got massive boob envy, would love a pair of E's

I do like the profanity + animal pattern that honey has pointed out... Particularly wankbadgers RPopz. I don't know why, but that one in particular made me laugh!

I don't swear all that often unless I'm talking to myself!