The Elderberry Pavlovas: Hanging up our fertility crystals, relaying the Yellow Brick Road and chasing that chopper. We want our BFPs and we want them now! (Thread 22)

[happylass]

The smallprint –
Berries have a strict entrance criteria (TTC #1, over 30, TTC for 12+ months, NO instadiffers, must have a special pot and definitely no mention of baby dust or baby dancing).
Those not abiding by the rules may be escorted from the premises.

Tiger glad you survived. It's amazing how many people actually go through similar ttc struggles, it's a shame it's such a difficult subject to discuss as there's so much we could learn from those around us in RL if it was easier to talk about.

I have everything crossed for you for tomorrow beaky! Will check in to see how you get on. And thanks x

pixie I don't section my hair when blow drying. My default style is a ponytail. Sometimes people will complement me on my hair and wonder what I've done.. Er washed, dried it with hair dryer and left it down!!

Good luck beaky, hope dildocam reveals all systems go. Baby name talk is nice... Gotta try out options. Also hoping things go well for you gil.

tiger glad social occasion was ok and not too many q's. Know exactly what you mean re bring scrutinised for signs of pg at these sorts of things and the jumping to conclusions if you're not drinking.. Mind you, this in my case, is prob because I'm always drinking!! However, I do think that perhaps because ttc takes up a lot of our focus we then project it onto everyone else ,thinking that they're thinking Oooh is she pg or not, and they're probably not at all. I find with these sorts of social things if you don't want to have the kids talk, hang out with the blokes, they're not the type to generally talk about those sorts of things. Had to side step 2 'you thinking of having kids' enquiries from a husband and wife today at social gathering! I find best response is to be really vague and say yeah, maybe, we'll see how things go... Whereas, really you want to shout the truth and say 'er yes actually, we'd bloody love kids, been trying over two and a half years and just had Ivf and am currently still bleeding from my miscarriage but I don't think that's what you want to hear ,or what I want to talk about ,and also not something I wish to share with you as at every subsequent BBQ after this I really will be scrutinised for pg signs and asked how are you?'

Saying that,the couple were just talking about how they had their first kid really quickly but took a long time for second, which I knew. Husband said they'd lost 3 in between their first and second, which I didn't. I suppose it could have been an ideal opportunity to share but I thought I don't want all the questions and having to share it all over again brings it all back... Also ,I think perhaps (unless you are a sharer) it's easier to tell people about a loss when you 're out the other end with a child, if you know what I mean?

Apart from BBQ, did some gardening this w/e and weeded a bed & today have put in lots of new, lovely plants and am in process of putting in a few spring bulbs, snowdrops, daffs and hyacinths. It was quite therapeutic as putting in spring bulbs was my idea to remember bushy bean as February would have been.. So at least there'll be nice things growing then. Also was lovely putting in vibrant flowers, a bit of a tribute to our bean. I would love to keep it looking neat and tidy as isn't a massive bed, ok to do in hols but as soon as I'm at work things get hectic!! Just need to tackle the rest of the garden, there is a bed the length of the garden and it is weedy!! Anyhow, in general feeling pretty positive, which is good as have been struggling and getting tearful and bashing self a bit. Onwards and upwards!!

hi berries

My new 'yoga every morning' regime is frankly leaving me with no time for anything else, including work I fear. Still, it won't last - my 2 week free pass runs out soon. been reading and keeping up though. Best of luck beaky for today.
pip absolutely love the prayer. much respect.
tiger it's nice when you realise you're not a bitter hag but can still be pleased for other people isn't it. I had a moment like that this weekend too. Maybe we're actually alright people and just having a hard time atm....?! I had a nephew-filled weekend which was nice actually, esp in absence of his grandparents as I actually got within 3 m of him.
bushy hallo!
and happy WEDDING DAY happy
hi everyone else [waves]

Let us know how you get on today beaky

Happy Wedding Day happy!

Hi berries, Nolly nice to hear from you! Hope the yoga is going well! I have another annoying thing to add to your manifesto, people with drives who park on the road! Arghhh. Anyway how's house hunting etc going?

Gill how was your downregging scan? Hope everything was ok.

My dildocam this morning showed 3 cysts two of which are quite large, so we can't go ahead again this month. I'm gutted but having said that, this appointment was so much better than the last as they were so much nicer, took the time to discuss things and they recommended a plan which is that I have to take the pill for this cycle in the hope that my ovaries turn off, the cysts hopefully do one and then I can have another scan and if it's all clear start stabbing then. If not, I'm looking at a lap to clear them but apparently that's very risky as the ovaries are easily damaged. So more waiting but at least I have a plan!

Happy hope you are having the most amazing day

Beaky how frustrating! I shall scream for you to let it all out "aaaaaaaaaarrrgghhh.. Bollocksy bollocks". Hope that helps. Glad they didn't just leave it to mother nature who clearly feeling unhelpful and hope pill works.

Happy you must be married now!! How wonderful. And I bet you looked gorgeous in your lace wedding dress.

beaky sorry to hear about the cysts. It's very frustrating to have your hopeful plans knocked off course. Would the pill make cysts less likely as well as regulating your cycle? (Ignorant).

bushy your planting sounds lovely. I've never been into gardening but I've been forced to tackle our garden as it was getting really out of hand. It's surprisingly therapeutic to be able to take all your angst and irritation out on weeds and ash trees which are growing in the wrong place.

nolly terribly impressed by your daily yoga.

Happy I hope that you have had an amazing wedding day! Congratulations to you and MrH.

Bushy planting and gardening sounds good and productive; it's lovely to plant things now and then forget them until the spring when they pop out and colour your day.

Beaky sorry about your news! bad cysts!

I'm feeling much better today; even went out with a couple of girlfriends for lunch along with their 6 week old. I had a cuddle or two and felt ok about it. I didn't want to give him back.... still I am feeling positive ANC am managing to take some time out for mindfulness. I have even invested in some CoQ10. Did any of you see the article in the Times on Friday about the role of vitamin D? I may go back to a full preconception vitamin as opposed to just folic acid.

HB - glad you're feeling more positive and that you had a nice weekend.

Bushy - thought the gardening was a lovely idea.

Beaky - how bloody annoying about these cysts. I know exactly what it's like to go in expecting treatment only for my body not to behave. Fortunately for you, I found my cyst reduction pom poms at the back of the wardrobe so will give these a little twizzle on your behalf. Hope that they and some Pill action will sort the little blighters out.

So news from me is that I am sufficiently down-regged. . So I continue with the Suprecur for the next couple of weeks, then I start adding some tablets next week to increase the endometrial lining. I get scanned on 7th Sept and if all is OK they get the kids out the freezer, thaw them out and pop two back on 9th Sept.

Yay Gill that's good news.

Ahh Pixie thanks! You made me chuckle. Gill I gratefully accept your cyst be gone Pom pom twizzles! Fx they go for next time. Great news for you though, and a good timescale too, this will fly round! Will keep everything crossed.

Wild it should shut off any ovarian activity and the follicles should hopefully collapse and disappear in time for next cycle. If not I'll need a laparoscopy. It's funny what a difference the staff you see on the day makes, today was a much better experience than last time.

HB glad to hear you are feeling a little better, and well done on managing the cuddles! That can't have been easy. I didn't see the times article, do you need to subscribe to get it online? I take extra vitamin d, my acu lady and FC recommend it, and welcome to the c0q10 club! You'll be rattling as well now!

Bushy you have been very busy. That sounds like a lovely idea and you will have a lovely garden from all of this hard work.

Hope everyone else's Mondays haven't been too bad!

So I go away for a week and you sneak off to a new thread without me . Had an amazing time at the wedding, despite repeated trips to the ladies to jiggle my DDs back into my lovely strapless BM dress. As much as I love the bride I am convinced she will be updiffed by Xmas at which point I may have to kill her

Lots of catching up to do...

smidge I'm so gutted for you that the cycle didn't work out. You're dealing with it all amazingly. Sorry you got such an idiot of a secretary on the phone, but what does she know? The first round really is a lot of trial and error and I'm sure there's lots they can do to imprve things on the next one. Your stats really don't sound bad to me, I guess they will up the stims meds this time so you have more follies, but remember that they are usually quite cautious on the first go as they have no idea how you will react. Hope you have a lovely snow weeekend, sounds great so far!

barking If you're around, I'm thinking off you and am glad you levels are finally back to zero. Hope you can tank up lots of rest and relaxation over the coming weeks.

kuma Glad your pestering the clinic for a cancellation worked, not long to go before your cycle, exciting stuff!

kitten Huge congrats, what amazing news. How are you feeling? Hope you have a great holiday and that you come back to a lovely early scan of a healthy bean! I know what you mean about feeling guilty, but I think every Berry is delighted to hear such good news, we all know how precious these hard won BFPs are.

tiger Am impressed with your yoga antics, I just used to laugh when my teacher tried to get us to do crow pose. Re the whole grieving thing, I read an interesting article a while back which said that infertility grief can actually be one of the hardest things to deal with. The very fact that nothing tangible has been lost just your hopes and dreams means it's harder for those who have never been through it to understand, making it a very lonely place to be. When somebody dies on the other hand, there is a socially accepted way in which people act and offer support which makes it easier to deal with.

seren Glad to hear that you have a plan for the next cycle. When are you due to start?

grace Welcome to the thread, hope your stay is a short one.

bushy The gardening you've done it such a lovely idea, you'll get so much enjoyment out of it come next spring. Sorry to hear about your little Mr&Mrs Perfect neighbours. Shall we start calling them the Smuggins, they sound unbearable. I bet it's all just a front and they have a room or a cupboard full of dirty puke covered laundry where they throw everything whenever visitors come round!

pipbin I adore the berry gospel and prayer, it really makes me smile, you are a very talented lady. Good luck with the upcoming round. FX.

beaky Crap that your IUI got cancelled, but it sounds like you're dealing with it really well.

pixie You have the same blowdry tactic as me, despite my PIL both being hairdressers! It's a miracle they haven't disinherited me and DH!

Hi to anyone else I may have missed off. Hoping this thread will be a BFCD (big fat cluster duff).

I don't know Beaky, I'll try and post up a copy tomorrow.

Welcome back Chloe

aw beaky sorry to hear about the cysts. It must be so frustrating to be on the verge of starting treatment so many times, but at least they were better this time in terms of giving you a plan of action. Onwards and upwards!

nolly impressive on the daily yoga. I can only really manage every other day or a couple of days in a row at best! Did a hot yoga class today, hopefully sweated sufficiently to detox from the weekend! Nice.

hb good to hear you are feeling positive, and very brave to go for the baby cuddles. I haven't seen the article, but I was paranoid about my Vitamin D levels, so I did a home test. It came back as good, so nothing to worry about, but I was happy to rule it out.

gil that's good news. So only about 3 more weeks to go until the embies are on board!

chloe glad you enjoyed the wedding. I would be constantly wrestling with my boobage in a strapless dress too!

pixie definitely do not section my hair before blow drying!

bushy I totally agree that it would be much easier to talk about ttc once you come out other side with a baby. The uncertain future makes any conversation too bleak. I also don't really want anyone else scrutinising my life and giving me advice on what to do/not do. Planting bulbs for bushy bean is a lovely thing to do and I'm also really glad that you are feeling more positive. You're doing wonderfully well, hang in there.

I am also feeling upbeat. Work has improved, holidays are on the horizon, plus I am taking the next two Friday's off so some long weekends to look forward to as well! I think we will foster another homeless hound this weekend too, as we're only working around the house and it helps out the rehoming kennels and I love fussing around another fur baby

gill.great news on the down reg. And we'll done for holding on to those cyst reduction pom poms. Keep them somewhere safe for us.

chloe welcome back. Your strapless dd cups made me laugh.

tiger I know what you mean ref not wanting to get advice or scrutiny of your situation. And wait - you can get home vit D tests?! (Runs off to buy one)

Lovely to see so much news on here. chloe is awesome at replying to everyone & remembering what everyone is doing. How do you do it? Glad you had a good time at the wedding; it did give me a chuckle what you want to do to suspected instadiffer bride! Also love 'the smuggins' ! I read something the other day about you shouldn't judge your insides by other people's outsides. Something I definitely need to do. You know how it is, I think other people often project an image of everything being perfect and together but beneath the surface it's a different story. Facebook is a classic for that.

beaky how weird to have to go on the pill. A bit like when we were at the pre egg transfer stage of IVF & it was condom time- it was like 'hello and what do we use you for??!!' Sorry that it wasn't the expected outcome but you never know perhaps this approach will be the solution and will avoid an ouchy laparoscopy.

I'm not that 'into' gardening wildflower but I found I enjoyed it. It does give you a sense of achievement to see a patch improved. What gets me is how quickly it gets into a mess again and all the weeding & maintenance! That's the bit I'm less keen on!! I'm a bit of a chuck it in and see if it works gardener.

hb yes, I heard on another forum about vitamin d. A poster who'd struggled for ages got their vit d levels tested & then took extra. She seemed sure it was that which made the difference to getting her bfp. I've been taking a separate vit d but no great success there. I do think taking a multivitamin is a good idea as you get everything you need without too much popping. Go co enzyme!! Glad you are feeling positive. You sound like you are doing really well. I need to get going on the mindfulness. Is it the 'peace in a frantic world' book that you are doing?

gilster it's really interesting reading about your treatment. We may be doing a similar thing as we have frozen embies- all bought and paid for! So is the difference between this and full Ivf that you still inject, but miss out the egg collection bit? I take it bum bullets etc are still in order?

tiger what a lovely thing to do- fostering a hound. Totally get what you mean about not wanting other people's advice on ttc too. There's only so many just relaxes that one can deal with!! I think my positivity is fragile tbh. I burst into tears today because i have so much school work to do ( scary new curriculum) and the flipping computer wasn't installing a program I needed. It was proper sobs too. I sometimes wonder is it the miscarriage grief trying to get out. I'm worried that it's going to come out every time I get stressed. Work is a total love hate thing for me. I benefit from the routine etc to stop me getting too introspective and like being with people and the kids but the enormity of the work overwhelms me. I'm like this every year- stressy, insecure mess! Still, I know I have to avoid procrastinating and just chip away at it!! And stop beating myself up about it and descending into a negative thought cycle. All you mindfulness followers, is there something I can do when I start with these thoughts?

morning all. Sorry about your cysts, beaky. that must feel like such a let down - again. I have a RL friend who had ivf deferred because of cysts and they said to her they were expecting them to just go away on their own, is that right?

bushy I think your garden idea is so lovely. I really hope it brings you some peace about little bean. Re your q about mindfulness and grief erupting, I know exactly what I mean. my oh and I are arguing all the time at the moment, v rare for us (normally 2 a year) and getting really upset and I'm sure it's the stress talking. just bubbles out like lava. i really like the yoga even though it is sometimes full of twts because it's a whole hour of thinking about something other than TTC, annoying IL's, psychotic boss etc. You have to concentrate which personally I think is the bit which does the trick - not trying to relax (as berries cheer all round). I find that running has the same effect, or playing music - gardening. anything which employs your mind some other way and lets it all tick over in the background for a while. But that's just me, and I have a stress head, so other people probably get other things out of it. like showing off their borderline anorexic fluffy knicker-clad butts, for example. (never do yoga in central london if you can't block out the twt factor).

what do you think tiger? daily yoga = daily exercise really. I went to a really woo class a couple of days ago and it put me off for a bit. glad you're on the up atm, did someone say fostering a hound? how exciting.

awesome news gil, really hope this is your time.

enjoyed your hair anecdote pixie. My normal routine is wash it and put into french plait so I can ignore it. the look of disgust on the hairdressers face is priceless.

glad you're up to the cuddles HB. i find even if I"m dreading it it's still nice to have a cuddle, unless it's a ham baby (one that smells of ham). didn't see the article - or the bbc programme someone posted a few days ago. not sure am mentally up to it atm.

chloe welcome back, hope boobage stayed contained.

lumen what's happening with you ttc wise? sorry - brain leaky.

lady - are you in the chopper now?

hi seren, feather, rosie… where are you rosie?

Househunting currently stalled, beaky because oh wants to delay selling of his family house. so I am stuck here in house of hot bedrooms (seriously, they're like 26 degrees) and IL access until he pulls his finger out. cue multiple arguments. sigh. nice to be back home though, i have an awesome commute over the river.

decided to go for the lap and dye after all (in my head that's always lap and die, which sounds like a brett easton ellis style nightmare - or possibly me going for a track run). Think would be good to rule endo out. and of course i just can't get enough of the dildocam.

Happy tuesday everyone

haha, nolly the tw@t factor at central London yoga classes meant I never settled at one studio in particular, and because I also moved around a lot, I just kept trying out places, making use of their intro offers and then leaving for somewhere else. I love my yoga studio in Brum because it is really excellent but also really friendly and there is barely a tw@t factor at all, if you dropped it into central London, it would be a magnet for them!

I think having the lap is the right decision. If they don't find endo, then at least it is ruled out, and if they do find it, well they can treat it and I've heard a few stories of people getting diffed afterwards so you never know. I don't regret having mine, although it has definitely done for my belly button piercing, which is now closed up. It was apparently bad for ttc anyway, so I had taken it out a while ago.

bushy sounds like the grief spilling out to me. I think that is perfectly natural though. I struggle with the disciplines around mindfulness but if you can take the time out to follow the meditation programme that came with the mindfulness book, it certainly helps to quieten the mind and stop the negative thought patterns. I thought the bits about your life being now, in this moment, and not living in your plans for the future, were really helpful.

My understanding with Vit D is that, if you are deficient, then over-the-counter strength tablets may not be enough to increase the levels so it may be worth getting tested just to check and rule out.

Anyway, must crack on with some work! Have a good day y'all!

Yes Bushy, you still inject (the down-regging bit) but you don't do any stimming. The tablets I take in a few days K think are HRT tablets which thicken the lining. I also have a friend in RL who had donor egg IVF and she just put a patch on every day once she got get period so there are slightly different protocols out there. I also have some bum bullet action to look forward to in a few weeks - can't wait!

When will you have the lap and dye Nolly. Hope you and your DH aren't having too mine rows. I'm definitely a bit more niggly with mine but I blame the drugs. It is such a stressful business.

I took up cross stitch again at the weekend. Haven't done it for about 20 years. Currently working on a daddy and baby bear picture for my BIL's baby which is due in Nov. I'm seeing it as a sort of therapy as currently trying to avoid meeting up with them and any other preggos.

Chloe glad you had a lovely time despite the dress/dd issue! How's things going for you? Any more scans lined up?

Tiger glad your work is improving and that you're feeling upbeat! Totally agree with you re the telling people and getting their "advice" it's so unhelpful and judgy a lot of the time. I love that you foster fur babies! My puppy isn't very friendly with other dogs so I don't think we could do it.

Bushy that is a great quote about comparing insides/outsides! I think it was the Emma cannon book that goes on about not comparing yourself to others as it never turns out well. The pill thing is a bit weird but there isn't really an alternative and I'm happy to go with their recommendations so far, I suppose at least this will be a relatively stress free cycle! Re the negative thoughs, I find it helps to actively distract myself by getting up and doing something else which requires some concentration or requires you to be really involved in it, or I have a couple of things I like to think about that I try to focus on. But it is difficult to do. Changing your train of thought gets easier the more you practice it. You are coping so well though, please don't be hard on yourself.

nolly what happened to your friend? Did the cysts go? They do say they should go away on their own in time and they don't usually do anything unless they are over 5cm or are causing a problem. I've had them every dildocam since feb and they are quite large with new ones arriving too which is why they've suggested the pill. It sounds like you're having a lot of stress at the moment, then added to work and ttc you have the house stress! It's perfectly understandable that you might argue a bit more in the circumstances. When will you get the lap do you know? I agree with tiger and think it's handy as at least you will know if there was any endo etc.

Gill that sounds like a lovely gift for the baby, hopefully you'll be making one for your own very soon!

Hope everyone else is good for a tuesday.

nolly ham baby??!! Not sure I've come across one of those! I love yoga too. Lol at the yoga wankers, I live in a very un-cosmopolitan place so we don't get those types... We did have 2 at one class I went to that were very into it and would stretch each other out whilst waiting for the class to start. The female had a boob job,which I thought was impacting her breathing ability as she sounded really wheezy in certain poses.. That was until I realised it was probably 'ujayi' breath because she was soooo into it! I remember thinking I can't flipping relax listening to that!! Sorry to hear you & partner are arguing. I think life is stressful anyway & then chuck into it ttc stress and you have a whole pile more. Still, when I have my perspective glasses on I think if that's our only problem we're not doing too bad!

Yep tiger could well be the grief spilling out. I just don't want going back to work to make it happen more. Despite outward appearances I am rather a stress head too and hard on myself. I am trying to be kinder to myself. Also, I have done my mindfulness. Going to try to keep up with it. Agree about the lap for nolly, lots of talk about it jet washing the tubes and people falling go shortly afterward. Sadly didn't work for me but hey ho!

Love crosstitch gilster. I did a card similar for my cousin. Found it settled my mind, I like the repetition and concentration. I'm not great at it but enjoy it. I'd like to find something in between now and Xmas style ones to do. ( have some Xmas ones I was given as a present last year) I'm sure when I was down regging I just sniffed and the stimming was injections so if I miss out the injections I'll be chuffed!

beaky I'm finding my negative thoughts or stressy thoughts are all over thinking style ones linked to work. We have a new curriculum which is a bit of a mare and I think everyone is struggling with it. The other thing I find difficult us that I am a subject leader so people ask me a lot if questions and tbh I don't know the answers, then worry about that, then berate myself give not knowing more. Just need to keep calm!

hahaha, love that everyone can spot a yoga tw*t. There was a classic this morning - "no extra brownie points for straight legs, I say gay legs are best anyway!!!!!" riiiight. he was sweet though really.

gil that's really sweet of you. I bleed all over sewing so never try myself, much respect.

Forgot to say beaky, annoying parkers are now on the hit list. Done! My friend's cysts are stil being monitored, but they were expected to go on their own. They also said to her that they didn't necessarily preclude implantation. So, more TTC evidence-free f*ckwittery.

Thanks for the lap advice all. I will phone and badger them. and thanks for teh support abotu TTC stress and arguing. It's all true. It's liek you're trapped in a sad story starring 2 people which you can't stop acting out. ah well. wednesday today which means it's practically the weekend and bank holiday joy (for uk berries anyway)

Must be something in the water today. So far 2 RL divorces have been announced to me and 1 redundancy. christ on a bike.

btw bushy some babies smell of ham. most smell of biscuits and toast in my experience, but a rare unlucky few... ham babies.

Hi nice to meet you Chloe!
Sorry to hear about your cysts beaky and hope the cross-stitching-is going well Gill!
My GMIL was in fine form at the weekend and it has taken me this long to calm down, she asked if we were trying I went vague and said not really we'll just see how it goes then she says "well you
better get on with it or your uterus will shrivel soon!" I mumbled something then and tried to change the subject but she continued and said "aren't you concerned about having a downs baby?" Seriously I don't think the woman is real my MIL is livid! I'm currently 9dpo and getting massive rage attacks, can get a bit tetchy before af is due but not like this also had a huge dizzy attack just before lunch, trying not to read into any possible symptoms, think it's stress more likely as my mother is in a big op tomorrow for breast cancer. Am thinking of going to docs for tests if I don't get p this cycle we will have been trying for about 18 months by then so they should help me surely?

I've just proper laughed out loud nolly at what babies smell of!! Shall we all hope our babies will smell fruity ( they'll be berry babies after all!!) Do the hammy babies follow a certain pattern e.g. Boys or parents are short, just trying to work out what the risk factor is of having a ham baby. Oh dear with the divorces! At least we're keeping it together on that front despite the stress.

gnomie I cannot believe your GMIL. dear me!!! You poor thing perhaps if you said the truth she'd back off with her insensitive comments but I'm like you and also general say vague things. I think some people interpret that as disinterest and a disregard for age and fertility, when actually we're acutely aware of our shrivelling uteruses. Poor you with your Mum too, hope all goes well tomorrow fir her. Yes, I am sure they will do tests, 18 mths is long enough to wait. Most will do them if you say you've been trying a year.