The Elderberry Pavlovas: Hanging up our fertility crystals, relaying the Yellow Brick Road and chasing that chopper. We want our BFPs and we want them now! (Thread 22)

[happylass]

The smallprint –
Berries have a strict entrance criteria (TTC #1, over 30, TTC for 12+ months, NO instadiffers, must have a special pot and definitely no mention of baby dust or baby dancing).
Those not abiding by the rules may be escorted from the premises.

jellie AIBU is great. Never posted though. Was tempted to share my frustrations with oh getting drunk on Friday when we are supposed to not be drinking. He denies it, but the loud whistling and the unexplained bruised elbow tell a different story!!!

Oh and beaky I shall be dancing daily to bring the berries some luck! Hope you've had a nice weekend!

Will stop posting now, am in the car on the phone so have to post in bits!

Sorry for the ott post the other night- it's not as bad as all that. I think I was just a bit shell shocked by another pg & disappointed my friend couldn't come to the spa day. I was really looking forward to it, keeping me sane whilst term was ticking on. I get worried that I am becoming quite negative. I am frightened of depression too. I've always been sensitive to wobbles and although outwardly confident, I think I am quite fragile really and I bob along quite happily most of the time but then I get affected quite badly by things. I don't think I am depressed, more a tad emotional and (great technical term coming up here) wobbly. I mean I am working, socialising, managing etc so don't think I am depressed, depressed. Just finding things a bit hard. I really need to think wider, think positively and not reduce stuff down to pg and ttc, once upon a time it never figured with me, my friend says it's lack of control with ttc. I think I've become a little controlling recently. Finding it hard to just let things be. Poor old dh did the food list & shopping earlier and I wanted to check it before he went ( just as well I did as he'd missed a load of stuff off there) but it's like I want to do it all myself and find it hard handing over the reins to others. Anyone know what I mean?

Maybe time to get back on the mindfulness and just do what I can & not get upset/ anxious- channel the inner man!

pixie do you mean u r staying off the booze for ten months? Can you hear the horror in my question there!! You are right with focussing on us and our little steps and what makes us tick along. Also you are cock on with how draining it is being asked the kids question.

Nolly and jellie, I don't often have the my home is sparking smugnes ( another thing I want to sort out!) it's often rather messy!!

seren I am with the others re the fc and money. Remember they have to post their success rates so I don't think they'd be in the business of lying. Orange is the new black would be a great replacement for Star Trek too. Hope u r ok and don't have wine hangover

Hey Bushy! Lol I dunt have that feeling often either! It's nice when I do though! Lol

Omg - just saw gone girl tonight! WTActualF!?!?!?! Who drama these stories up?

Hello all. Interested to hear about Gone Girl. I read the book and enjoyed the first half, but got annoyed later on when they turned her into a psycho, and the stuff with her ex seemed completely unrealistic. I made my OH read the book and now he keeps giving me sideways glances in bed and asking if I'm going to turn into that woman! We have free tix to the cinema courtesy of his work so I think we'll still brave it on screen. (unless anyone has any better suggestions?) Cinema will be the only night out likely once I get to the bulbous EC stage.

Bushy I totally understand your control freakishness with shopping lists. I am the same. In fact, OH did the shopping for me at the weekend. I'd written a list which was in 'my-speak' (ie 'phili' = the spreadable, light version of philadelphia) so wanted to go through it with him before he left. But he was in a complete grump and gruffly said 'i'm not a retard' which annoyed me as I like to believe he's a bit nicer than that i blame his language on the Australian upbringing. (He was probably just hungry as he becomes a complete arse at such times and is best avoided). So I let him go, and spent the next hour expecting him to do it all wrong (if only he had let me explain!). Sure enough, when he returned he had bought bathroom cleaner (even though we have 4 unopened) and the wrong All Bran. OK, I now realise I sound like a complete idiot for going on about this, but I'd specifically said I needed the proper all bran (fibre, fibre, fibre!) after being told at first round's dildocams that my bowel was in the way I am now OCD on getting fibre. But he had bought some fancy new wheat flakes thing instead - hopeless. So I made a big song and dance and drove back to the supermarket with the 2 offending items and returned them, buying the All Bran myself. ha ha - maybe the drumming has mental emotional side effects after all!!

This morning I had my stitches removed - and yes, thanks tiger et al, it wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated. Downside is that the woman on reception was the same nurse who struggles to take my blood though, so I'm now getting anxious that she must always be the one at this new funky office and will be doing mine on Wednesday. boo hiss.

Then I had my post-op appt with AliG. She had the results back from my endometrial scratch/biopsy, and said it confirmed the minor endometriosis (which she had dealt with while under), and then went on to talk about the results of my natural killer cells. [evil scary face]

Seems out of the 3 types of NK cells, 2 of mine are higher than they want, so she thinks it's possible my immune system is preventing successful implantation. She said the biopsy and treatment of endo themselves will have helped (as the body sends in heaps of repair cells which can compensate for the excess of NK cells), but she would also like me to take an anticoagulant which has been seen to help improve immune response too. Happy to try anything of course, but guess what... this is another injection! It's to be taken from Egg Transfer until preg test - and if pregnant I will need to continue for at least 7 weeks. Forgot to ask if this one needs to be kept refrigerated, but she has warned me it's going to cost $10 per day.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. Be good to feel we have thrown everything at this one. (nolly maybe you could ask your PIL to help out with my medical bills instead ha ha). I think I mentioned already that we're going to have 'assisted hatching' (love that phrase, makes me completely feel like a chicken) if we get a good blasto this time. Just in case. Hopefully all these things will help...

Been drumming for 4 days now. Think I'm improving - no bruise this morning.

Smidge sounds like a positive appointment, interesting info re the NK cells. Are you privately paying? I don't think we get that test as standard over here. I don't even know what we are supposed to be tested for before IVF.

I'm really down today, felt like that last night and then it has continued. I feel like I'm never going to get pg and IVF is not going to work. (I know, I need to rain myself in as that last comment is a touch dramatic!) I think it's just the constant AF arrival/bfn's when I do get the chance to test, but I'm always early with the spotting. I think it's probably worse today as we are having a break this month, but actually now that it's cd14 I'm panicking that I've missed a chance but looking at my ttc history, it's not going to make a difference. I'm just so sick of it anyway, hope everyone else is having a good monday and is feeling positive!

beaky yes I am going private. Costs a fortune but at least there isn't the waiting list.

You poor thing, I think you should go and have a cup of tea and a big piece of yummy ASAP. You need to stop your poor mind from working overtime, and get some cheering up. These thoughts are inevitable, but temporary thank goodness, and we just need to find ways to pull ourselves out of them (though it must be healthy to succumb occasionally too?). I was a complete disaster when my first IVF didn't work, but it's amazing how you do get back on an even keel - even just a day or so later.

Sorry haven't said anything more useful/comforting but hubby is desperate to get to sleep and I'm keeping him up (it's late here down under)

I have a question for those of you who have unfortunately had unsuccessful ivf cycles...
I'm gonna start ivf soon and I know I shouldn't get my hopes up but I just can't help it. I have re-decorated the spare room as a nursery in my head, been thinking about how i'd manage in my job to accommodate nursery runs when returning from ML and even had a dream with a Moses basket next to our bed which was lovely at the time but now a bit weird..
Am desperately trying to stop as I'm really not daft and I know the chances of success. Don't want to set myself up for a massive fall if this cycle fails. Any suggestions for how to cope at this stage and stop getting ahead of myself? I'm driving myself a little bit mad...

Pixie! On my first ivf, I was wildly excited throughout! Loved the 2ww everything. People told me to calm down but I ignored them. My reasoning was that I didn't think I would be any more disappointed if it didn't work so I may as well go with it and enjoy being excited about it. I think I would say the same again!

I was a bit miserable this last time round, but I can feel the excitement building again for my donor round! I think we may be offered a donor soon! We've got our follow up appointment on the 31st so I've already started my list of questions!

So do enjoy it. Why not?

Aw, beaky, hope you're feeling better. I think we can all have dark days when it comes to ttc but and to you to cheer you up. I think I need some too, as I am also feeling gloomy, the pre-af sadness is arriving, and another month of dissappointment is more than I can bear at the moment. Big hugs to you.

pixie I haven't had IVF, and perhaps those who have had it would say differently, but I think that being positive and imagining a successful outcome is no bad thing when attempting anything.

bushy I think 'wobbly' is spot on. For what it's worth, I can't bear to let my OH do the food shop!

smidge that all sounds like a promising plan of action!

Think I'll be mainly staving off the gloom by going to bed really early and trying to sleep it away!

Bushy I feel your pain. I know I like things done in a certain way too.
Smidge blame the Australian upbringing. Unfortunately retard is still commonly used. I actually hear the people who live at the disability support house near me use it the most. It's their favourite jokey insult.

I'm not sure how I started watching Star Trek. I'll have the get DH to 'find' OITNB online.

Smidge that was helpful thanks, you're right, it's just temporary.

Tiger thank you. and to you too, sorry to hear AF maybe along soon, it never gets easier, does it.

Pixie I've only had iui, and the success rate for that is very low, but I was still optimistic! I tried to remind myself regularly that it was a slim chance but it didn't work. Sorry I can't help much with that but I really hope it works first time for you.

Hope everyone else is ok today.

I'm back to spread my zen among the Berries! The meditation weekend was very good, although surprisingly hard work in an emotional sense. Stuff filters up out of the depths when you've got time and space to reflect - or in my case it-s just the usual stuff but driving me a bit more bonkers ! It all calmed down again by the end of the retreat though, so this stuff obviously works.

nolly we did some Qi Gong (sp?) and yoga, had some group sessions on meditation practice, had a bonfire, plus it was in lovely countryside so there were walks to do if you wanted, all of that as well as meditating for maybe two and a half hours each day.

Some of the people there were from my weekly meditation group so we spent loads of time chewing over their divorces and family problems. That makes it sound depressing but it's good to talk through all the bad stuff sometimes and we actually had a complete laugh doing it. No one asked me about having children and the women there who did have children were all more at the primary school / teenage stage and they'd just kind of got over themselves about it all if you know what I mean, ie. there was no going on and on about babies and motherhood.

Really sorry you have been feeling down in the dumpsters bushy. You have been through a hellish time and you feel what you feel. Your plan to get on with the mindfulness sounds like a good one. It must be difficult to fit in with your work though. The thing about control and not being in control of the TTC and even your body is so familiar. Not being able to act much to influence the situation and somehow make a baby happen by magic, force or science is intrinsically stress inducing. Did you say you had seen the FC's counsellor at all? It could help to talk to someone who specialises in that area.

Smidge very interesting to hear about your NK cells results. What exactly did your FC say about it? Those tests are not standard on the NHS but some private clinics do them. In fact I'm very much minded to get them done myself, but I want to hear what the consultant says next Monday before coming up with an action plan.

Pixie I love Jellie's advice on the best IVF mindset. Big hugs to beaky. Chin up my lovely, your time will come.

And almost forgot to say that in latest totally unfair news AF turned up last night - on day 14??!! No fair, surely. I'm putting it down to messed up hormones after the IUI drugs. Luckily I have a routine appointment with my GP tomorrow for him to sign off on my thyroid prescription, so I can ask him what is going on not that he will actually know, not being a fertility / gynae specialist and all

I promise you won't regret OITNB serenity

Cross post Wild! The meditation weekend sounds lovely and really useful. Wth is your AF playing at rocking up that early. It all totally messes with your body eh.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one with control freakery when it comes to shopping lists. I think I'd prefer to write the list, then just send him to do it... Saying that though even when I've written the list he goes off piste and We always get weird stuff when he does, including stuff we don't need. The last one was cans of coke when we had 24 of the darn things from the previous time! smidge feel your pain!! Also love the chicken aspect of assisted hatching!!

beaky don't worry about being over the top. You saw my last post- guilty as charged! Here is the place to vent and it is shit and can totally get on top of you. It's harder too when you've had unsuccessful treatment. smidge had good advice.

pixie it's probably only natural to daydream about the successful outcome and as this is the closest many of us come to getting pg then it's only natural to think about the outcome. It's probably good to think of the positives rather than the negatives, but important not to get too carried away & keep it in perspective. Our clinic told us not to get too fixated on the positive result as the results are low so not too expect too much.

Sorry to hear the blues has got you too tiger.

wildflower your w/e sounds fab. My RL friend who had mmc has suggested we go to a meditation meeting as she found it helped here when she was struggling. I've not seen a counsellor.

Seren love! love! love oitnb. It's a bit full on though!

Bloody instadiffers!!!! Ggggrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaarrrrr. You maaaaaaaake me siiiick!

Righto. So nice to get that off me chest.

Any particular reason, Jellie? Or just a well-thought out rational contribution to the national debate?

Ha ha

Sorry! Find Out my friend at choir is up the duff. Literally must be a honeymoon baby. However I am pleased for her, but I did have a good cry in bed last night. I wouldn't normally be so put out. I have however come on this morning unexpectedly so I excuse myself my ratty and snappy behaviour of the last coupla days.

Grrrr indeed to instadiffers jellie. I was chatting to a (drunken) friend recently who said that she was trying for a second, but due to first small child they were hardly having sex....next conversation...she's pregnant!

Whilst we're at it, bollocks to the arrival of af and also f**k getting up in the dark and rain. I am grumpy!!

Yes, yes to trying a meditation weekend bushy, especially if you have friend to go with. I really recommend it. I must have got you mixed up with someone else, I thought you had been to see your FC's counsellor. Obviously not.

And boo, boo, boo to AF and coming on tiger and jellie. I don't know what she is playing at turning up here on CD14, some people just do not understand that they are not wanted. I spoke to my GP this morning about this weird two week cycle and he said it likely messed up hormones after all those IUI drugs. He said to see how it plays out over the next couple of months. Hope that is of some help to you too, jellie

Hi All,

Just popping in to say hi, I'm feeling pretty miserable at the moment as have something called "SSRI discontinuation syndrome" so am feeling pretty rubbish and can just about see straight (as long as I don't move my head that is). I've had to restart my meds (big boo) so pretty peed off but am feeling a little better today, I am just hoping that all of the vivid dreams settle soon.

I promise to pop back I a day or two when I can see properly.

Hope you are all ok!

Keep loosing you guys! Putting a marker, will catch up and post properly tomorrow. Missed you berries