The Elderberry Pavlovas: Hanging up our fertility crystals, relaying the Yellow Brick Road and chasing that chopper. We want our BFPs and we want them now! (Thread 22)

[happylass]

The smallprint –
Berries have a strict entrance criteria (TTC #1, over 30, TTC for 12+ months, NO instadiffers, must have a special pot and definitely no mention of baby dust or baby dancing).
Those not abiding by the rules may be escorted from the premises.

bushy apart from the teaching bit I think I could have written your post! Glad to hear there are other people thinking the same as me

Ooo, another person to join me in the "40 club" Jelly - yay! It's not too bad. Most of my stress comes from being 40 and TTC and all the stats around that but then I think I'm pretty fit and healthy for my age so maybe my biological age is younger - here's hoping! Hope that the bleeding that you're experiencing is the cyst bursting and that this is all over for you soon.

Bushy - we haven't had sex since 19th July as not allowed whilst having treatment. We could have protected sex but we've never been good at that in the past. Definitely beginning to miss it, TTC and IVF definitely messes with your sex life. I really hope the raspberry leaf tea does the job once and for all and that you get all your planning sorted. Maybe look to achieve one small thing and take it from there in terms of making it manageable.

Thanks lumen makes me feel better. It's strange,sometimes I just don't feel satisfied or in my more negative mood that I'm any good at anything. Dh says I've got it all wrong and need to focus on the good stuff. I've been in tears again, it's not any one thing, just a combination of work dread & worry, stuff to do, comparing myself to others and having negative thoughts and also the sadness, which I think is linked to the mmc. Tbh I just want to move on, I don't want to spend hours crying, it just makes me feel exhausted. gilster that's good advice re doing one thing and going from there. Dh is reluctantly going to watch footie at friend's house. I've said to go and not to worry about me. I just need to shake it off & pull myself together. Perhaps use the time he's out to get on. I think you've gone slightly longer than I have without dtd!! It's weird isn't it!! Esp that trying to have a baby is messing with your sex life- irony eh!!

bushy I am sending you a big hug and suggesting that you find a cd that you like, put it on loud and dance around your lounge singing to it, something from the 90s should do it!

I am having an ice cream catastrophe at the moment. First attempt using the ice cream maker, decided to make coconut and rum ice cream to get us in the mood for hols, think the rum is inhibiting the freezing

bushy you have really put your finger on something with your post; worrying, feeling down, wondering if it will ever happen, wondering if you will actually like having children anyway..... It's draining.

I like the idea of a dance around to a happy tune. Or how about snuggling down on the sofa an watching an old film with some hot chocolate large G&T

lumen ice cream tastes just as good when it is only sort of frozen. Coconut and rum sounds nice.

I got some thyroid antibody test results back: thyroglobulin antibodies 600 (under 150 is normal) peroxidase 65 (shd be under 25 or so). Very interesting, but I'm not totally sure what they mean! Googling tells me that antibodies are attacking my thyroid. It looks as if fertility treatment for this is usually steroids to control the autoimmune system. They said to email the consultant and see what he says. I'm pleased at least that something has been identified. Will see what happens.

Interestingly my TSH level was spot on perfect.

bushy I'm sorry you feel so sad but it is understandable. Sending you a massive hug and hoping that you feel better soon. I often struggle with a sense of deep disatisfaction when nothing seems good enough, all linked to ttc.

I think it is only natural to think about wanting kids and whether or not it is right, especially after trying for a while. The reality seems pretty tough most of the time, but ultimately rewarding. Those that get pregnant straight away don't have to do much soul-searching about whether or not they are doing the right thing. I know the journey parallels are a bit naff, but if you only had to walk 5 minutes down a familiar road to get somewhere, you wouldn't give the journey a second thought. If you had to walk 100 miles to get somewhere, and you weren't sure of the way, you would naturally question where you were going, and why and if it was worth it to keep going. OH and I just keep telling ourselves that we'll get there, but we have to take the long and difficult road.

going back to what nolly said, it is the uncertainy part that gets me too. I can't bear it. I am a planner and a control freak, just going with it is not something I can do.

jellie wishing you a very happy birthday and hope that your 40s are fabulous! A surprise party sounds wonderful! I am crap with surprises, I hate not knowing what is going on!

Happy anniversary beaky hope you have a lovely weekend to celebrate! No love sponge this weekend, just my own princess pooch to fuss over!

rain don't blame you for not bothering with the locum GP but shame you had to waste a morning. There is nothing worse than having to share your concerns with someone who isn't interested.

lumen icecream sounds ace! Hope it is freezing, but half frozen ice cream doesn't sound like too much of a catastrophe....perhaps you could use it as a base for a frozen cocktail!

wild that is interesting. Are those tests done as standard or do you have a thyroid issue?

afm, I am feeling much better after a good night's sleep. I do have a follow up at the pelvic pain clinic next month to discuss lap results so I can raise the af issues then and see what they say. It just doesn't feel right to feel so awful.

My lovely bestie just drove 100 miles to come and see me for the day. She has a little baby but still remains the only person in RL I can talk to about ttc who is really sensitive and understanding. We went shopping, had sushi and ate cake, and I feel so much happier as a result!

It's such a gamut of conflicted feelings wildflower. Didn't read your suggestions until now but will try them next time the 'meh ness' strikes. Did a bit of pottering and then got some little bits of work done. Dh then came back and suggested going out to cinema so we went to see 'Lucy'. Bit weird-a luc besson film but interesting enough. We arrived a little late and the cringe trailer for fifty shades of grey was on but it's not out til ( another cringe here!) February 14th bleurgh!!

Got back in, tidied up and tears came again, been trying to hide it from dh. I think this summer hols has been really marked by the mmc. It's like BC and AD but in this case it's before mmc and after. When we were walking back from the cinema we passed a restaurant where we'd had a meal when I was pg, then on drive home, the curry house we went to a week before everything went to shit.(sounds like I'm obsessed with food!!) Just seemed a nicer time, I know it happened for a reason but I'm still so sad about it, it seems so unfair. Maybe I feel a bit like a failure, which I know is stupid because it wasn't my fault but it's there nonetheless. I am aware that I'm turning this thread into a confessional and I'm getting a bit me, me, me! I do apologise. I'm like the girl with the long face bringing the party down.There's only so many times you can offer me a hug, you're probably thinking sort yourself out!!

Bled a bit more earlier so hopefully this is the last of it. Perhaps this bleeding is also making me more emotional, a bit like AF, it's mega AF!

Mmm, rum and coconut lumen, did it taste good? Is Diana in your kitchen? ( ice cream not setting!!)

tiger thanks for your comment re dissatisfaction. It's reassuring to hear others feel like that. Also I love your road analogy. Yup it's a long old road and if we ever get to the end of it we'll look back and think why did I get myself in such a stew over it and even, why was I so desperate,I'd give anything for a unbroken sleep/ lie in/ night out without organising babysitter. Your bestie sounds lovely, it's great when someone in RL is so understanding. Sounds like a lovely day.

Oh lovely bushy so sorry you are going through this. The reason it feels unfair is because it is so bl**dy unfair. It's a bitter pill to swallow and it is perfectly right that you feel sad and rather bruised by what happened.

Plus I'm sure you are right that your hormones must still be out of whack. Go easy on yourself.

I like tiger's journey image too. The bit of the path you are on now is very rough going and all you can do is to keep plodding on. It's good to have a bit of time alone sometimes to tend your sore spots, but do also share your tears with your DH and let him hold you through this. The best bit of marriage advice I ever had was that it is the tough times which glue you together and I have found that to be true.

The sad times when DH and I comforted each other and that we stuck with it through the time when we didn't like each other much DH was being a knob are the deep foundations which support our happy, fun and loving times. So, dear bushy let your DH in where you can, it might be the only good thing to come out of this torrid Summer.

Did you ever find out what caused the mmc? Perhaps you didn't share it on here. I was just wondering if they would offer you anything different next time. And I think not knowing makes it so much easier to blame yourself!

tiger I was diagnosed with underactive thyroid as part of the standard fertility checks by my GP a couple of years ago. They check your TSH level (thyroid stimulating hormone) the higher it is then the harder your thyroid gland is having to work to produce hormones. If you are TTC it should be under 2.5 - many GPs are not aware of this and do not flag higher levels as a problem.

This recent test was done privately at our FC. It is standard for them to do a full thyroid profile and check for thyroid antibodies as part of that. I'll see what the FC says about the results next week.

Grace how is it going?

Happy Sunday everyone.

wild I've been waiting (and waiting) for my blood test results for TSH levels (taken mid july). Seems they've gone back to our FC but we don't have a phone number or anything for her and my (rubbish) GP says they've requested a copy but nada so far.
Yours do sound intriguing - let us know what your FC say.

tiger that's a good analogy, although I think I feel a bit more like I'm doing D of E orienteering again but with a broken compass and no known finish point!

bushy confess away. I'm afraid what you say is 100% true - a MC does turn everything into before/after but the after won't always feel so shit , I promise you. Wilds on the money about letting DH in where you can - MrP and I are much closer these days.

jellie happy naughty 40! Love the idea of you practising surprised faces!!

Afm, we have been invited to a BBQ at a friend's parents (MrP's BFF). These friends got married in April and then moved to US for his job. They've been really insistent about making sure we're coming today - how crap a person am I that I'm convinced it's because they want to announce they're diffed rather than just wanting to see us? Gah!

Thank you wildflower, I think your comment about feeling sad & bruised by what happened is cock on. I think you are right that it can bring you closer together. I suppose until now dh and I have led rather a charmed life- both happy with each other, always up for a laugh, no real big worries and the ttc business and mmc has been tough. I suppose everyone has shit in their lives and this is our bit. There's an old saying that goes if everyone threw their troubles in the air you'd be glad to catch yours. I don't know what caused it. They just said it stopped developing, and that most likely it was a genetic thing that it wasn't strong enough. She did also say that IVF pregnancies can be more fragile.

Dh gave me a hug this morning and I asked if he was ok, he said ok with you... See i still think it gets to him too. He did say well if you don't fall you don't learn how to pick yourself up. Thanks rain as well. I think you've got it right about letting him in. I did say this morning that I was feeling a bit sad, think he was too. We'll get there! Nice to hear the after isn't always so shit. Just had a nice chat with my Mum who was saying it's like a form of grief and the smallest things can set you off. She said she thinks about me all the time & that it'll work out.

rain I'd be a bit suspect about the friends BBQ too, it's funny how our pg antenna pick up, maybe we have pregdar!!

We cycled to dh's mum and dad's today for Sunday lunch. I only have 7 gears on my old and trusty bike, which means I struggle like anything up hills!! There is a steep part before their house and I was determined to get up it!! It wasn't going to beat me! Also I thought I can do this now, don't have any pregnancy worries and also if I really give it some well it might kick that last little bit of bleeding out!!

Hope you're all having a lovely Sunday my very lovely berry friends. I appreciate your help and the laughs so much.

Evening all! Got back from honeymoon at 4:30am today - obviously delighted to be home . As if that wasn't bad enough I'm back in school tomorrow plus my house is chocka with wedding paraphanalia as not really been back here since the big day other than to grab the suitcases.
Well enough woe is me! Hope everyone is doing ok. Not sure I'll be able to read back over everything I've missed but sure I'll get up to speed soon enough. Rain hope you weren't clobbered with any pg announcements at the BBQ. I'm pretty sure I'll get some at work tomorrow to go with the 5 (or is it 6??) bumps that I'm already working with .
Bushy I think you're coping amazingly. Go easy on yourself .
As for me now the wedding is over its project ICSI time. Started popping the pills yesterday which I take until Thursday. Stopping those will then bring on a big bleed and I'll start stabbing on day 2/3 of that bleed. Egg collection should be in just over 3 weeks eeek!
Enjoy your Sunday evening ladies. Teachers - sending you lots of Berry power for the coming week!

Welcome home happy! This is a mega exciting time for you, hopefully the lovely post honeymoon happiness vibes will make for an extra plushy palatial baby friendly womb.

bushy you're exactly right there. like you and your DH I think we're also actually very lucky in most regards, I certainly wouldn't trade my life for my friends (even those with babies) as they all have their own issues.

So my permanently paranoid brain was proven 100% WRONG today - they genuinely just really wanted to see us! Was a really, really lovely afternoon in the sunshine with good food, good wine, good friends and their lovely family and not a baby or baby related convo in sight.

I hope everyone else has had a good weekend. 5 days of work to get through and then it's Mauritius! Got Kate Bush on Wednesday too which I am ridiculously excited about.

Oh yes happy we are going to surely need the berry power!!! Good lord, 5 or 6 bumps sounds awful! I have one very big one, sure there'll be lots of comments on that one tomorrow. Are you primary or secondary happy? Hope it's an inset and not too full of bullshit!!

Bushy I'm secondary. We have 2 INSET days plus a staggered start so won't have all the kids in til Thursday. This week is pretty much a write off as far as teaching is concerned
We're due Inspection this year so I think most of the next 2 days will be listening to people drone on about that. I'm leading one of the INSET sessions tomorrow too. Should be interesting seen as I haven't had a spare second to do any prep. Will definitely be going for the 'wing it' option

Just a quick check in to wish all teacher berries a painless, quick and other-peoples-bumps free day!

Ps ice cream froze in the freezer in the end and is amazing! (No Diana in sight bushy)

Welcome back happy! Hope that getting back to reality after all the wedding and honeymoon loveliness is ok. Very exciting that project icsi is underway! I'm lucky in that the bump count at my work is low in terms of pg colleagues but unlucky in that I have to walk past the FC and maternity hospital every day.

bushy are you back today too? Sending you lots of berry power to help you get through it.

rain well jel of the Kate Bush tickets and Mauritius will be amazing! Am also counting down the days this week.

Aching and have a headache this morning. Was a struggle to get going and out of bed!

Also, can i ask your advice please berries: I have an FC appointment tomorrow. Have had all tests that are on offer as far as I am aware: day 3/21, SA x 2, HSG, dildocam, laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. All fine no issues - is there anything else I should be asking for? Interestingly wild my thyroid is around 2.5 (can't remember exactly but think it is just over that). Perhaps that is an issue? Will raise it anyway.

tiger can't think if anything else to suggest for you - that's pretty comprehensive! Were your lap and hysteria copy as a result of you having painful periods or just part of your nhs standard work up?

Lap and hysteroscopy were because of heavy periods rain. I raised it when I went in May so they agreed to do them to rule out endo.

Hi all, I'm so sorry for me absence, I've been having a little break from TTC and then also had a bit of a fall a couple of weeks ago and so been doped on painkillers!

Bushy I'm sorry that you are still having a rough time and bleeding.

Chloe congrats on your bfp.

I'll do a full read through later (had a lot of pages to catch up on) and promise to be a better berry, but I hope that everyone else is doing ok.

Good call with the locum rain we got dicked about by one which cost us several months. The idiot actually said he wanted to be a GP because it was less work than other medical specialities. For god's sake, don't say that to patients you w*nker. Glad your paranoia was proved wrong by the way - mine is in spate and i expect to hear announcements all the time.

big hug for you bushy, it's totally understandable that you feel down, you've had a really tough time and it's all very unfair. I also don't think there's any contradiciton between finding the process of ttc frustrating, depressing, undermining, demoralising etc and also hating kids sometimes. I often think how nice life is without them. It's having the uncertainty and having no control that's difficult, I think - it's all out of our hands and that's why i hate it.

wild, lumen, tiger you guys are right on the money about the coupledom. A close friend of mine went through a horrific late mc (18 weeks, in labour for 4 days) and she said that she and her partner were so much closer afterwards. Not to see it as a consolation prize or anything, but it's good to know that your relationship can stand hard times, and that someone you love will be kind to you even if they're feeling sad themselves is very meaningful. Bit woo but there we are. I also like the road metaphor, tiger - It's liek we have all this extra thinking and processing to do, all this mental work to do that other people don't have to go through. But I'm sure it'll make us better parents or at least more thoughtful people. Which must be a good thing.

we have an icerream maker too lumen. so far my favourite has been honey and ginger. Can't think why I've never made a boozy one. Genius idea.

how was the Fc appointment tiger?

exciting times gil and happy! really hope all goes well for you. Hope back to shool not too horrendous. I'm conferencing for the next 2 weeks so putting off dreaded reality a little longer...

waves to beaky, HB (welcome back!), jellie, pip, chloe and the copter lot....

Hiya!

Tiger yes you're right about the journey! The hard road travelled is ultimately more rewarding.

Rain - also well jell of the Kate Bush concert! Enjoy your holiday too

Happy! Oh my! 5 or 6 I had that this summer. I look after the health and safety at work so I have to do the risk assessments and look after them all too! Hope there's no more for you tomorrow.

Hi bushy, how're you doing today?

How everyone is okay returning to work hasn't been too bad!

I'm only in today and tomorrow. I said to Mr B on Saturday, oh booked acupuncture for Thursday "you'll have to cancel" says he! We're going away for three nights! I've NEVER been whisked away! Ever. Get me! Then we will be back in time for my surprise party! Double

. Tee hee can't wait going to buy cakes first thing tomorrow then just enjoy! .

Ciao for now!

Hey ladies!

Sending you lots of hugs bushy, please don't be so hard on yourself. You've been through a really hard and traumatic time and it takes time to move on. It must be so hard, especially when the physical reminders are still ongoing. You're being so brave and I really hope that happy times are just round the corner for you.

Sounds like you have a lovely bestie there tiger! I would try and get them to look at your thyroid again. Lots of REs prefer to see it under 2, so definitely worth double checking. Getting mine medicated was life changing I swear, I have so much more energy.

Welcome back from honeymoon happy and good luck with project ICSI! I hope it all goes smoothly.

gillster are you around? I hope the stabbing is going ok.

Hope all you teacher berries have a good start back into the new term.

Hi again hb, sounds painful, hope that you're on the mend soon.

Hi to everyone else that I've missed.

Afm I've not made it to the chopper yet, feels a bit weird. Am 11w today. Had a scan last week and all OK, bean is measuring up perfectly. But, the dr really upset me: she advised that we go straight for invasive testing (CVS) as I'm high risk as "over 35 and had IVF". I was so shocked that she suggested it as a first step that I ended up bursting into tears. Sorry for moaning on here, it just seems that even when you finally get pg they still manage to beat you up for being "old" and infertile.

Oh chloe poor you, I want to best that insensitive person around the head! Can you get a second opinion? Maybe check on the copter with other berries who have been through these tests (and some via the IVF route) as they might have more experience than us. Big hugs over to Germany for you anyway.

Not best them, beat them! Damn autocorrect

Thanks lumen ! We'd actually discussed it with our IVF Dr briefly and he had said he wouldn't bother with invasive testing as I'm young and he was also adamant that IVF doesn't necessarily mean a higher risk of birth defects. Our main issue is that I just don't ovulate, but that is because of an endocrine disorder. It's just a bit oversimplistic to lump everyone having IVF in the same statistical pot. Fortunately DH managed to calm me down afterwards. He very wisely said there was no point in having any diagnostic tests as we would never have a termination. We're booked in to have the NT screening next week though - hopefully the results will be ok. If they come back negative I'm going to spend months worrying, largely as a result of the stupid Dr. I guess she's only doing her job, but I'm still mega upset.

jellie We crossed posts before. Happy birthday, I hope you have an amazing day, weekend away and party!