TTC way longer than 10 months past & present

[joycep]

A group of lovely ladies who've seen it all

I like the idea of the . I wish.

Sorry to hear of the continuing woes. Joy that's a total nightmare about missing AF. It's not fair. None of this is fair. Fox is right though, natural BFPs are still out there, (although I recall you saying that the dreaded songbird has meant this isn't what's happening for you right now) we all still stand a little chance for now.

Cos you can happily become a ski bum with me!

Fox you are having such a rough time. I wish I could give you RL squeezy hugs.

Ray, I'm a bit behind with your treatment, where are you in the process?

Had a couple of wobbles today. SiL was talking about a mutual friend who was "having a hard time" as she couldn't get pregnant and had had 2 rounds of IVF which hadn't worked and now she was withdrawing from seeing all her friends with kids. I couldn't bear the pity. I do sometimes wonder if Sil has any idea as to what her words could be doing; as next she was telling me about a 44yr old friend who'd just had twins- in the context of my recent birthday .

And then I saw FB pics of a friend with bump, the recent(ish) A*. The weird thing is we learned that they'd taken a fair while to get to this stage, so I've no idea why it's such a painful one for me. You think you're moving on, but you really aren't.

Despite these little things, life is ok. I'm considering what the least practical car I could possibly buy would be. 2 seater sports car springs to mind.

Waves to everyone else I've missed, still trying to get up to speed. Love seeing the grads all in about the thread. I love 10plusser mums!

Nelly - welcome back from the land of fun. Sorry about SIL silly comments! Ignore, it's just passing comment on what bits and bats of stuff she happens to know of at the moment. Sorry about the fb bump pal - I know it is stingy regardless. Only the ttc 10+ pregnancies are the non stingy kind. I hope you find the new direction you seek for your BFP. I think options are great. But always remember that taking one path does not discount you from any other iyswim. Also, totally random but if you are unexplained like Pout is it worth getting your vit D tested too? Sorry if that's unhelpful. Bug big hugs, I do see you with a nellyette.

Euro - Your baby is stunning and coming on in leaps and bounds if photos are anything to go by. Sorry about the sore tummy and sleep deprivation. I'd say things change again around 6 weeks and then again around 10 - for the better of course. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to do social, cakey, meet up, walks, baby group shannanigans. Even when you feel totally ready add a couple of weeks and then venture out and about and give yourself a strict curfew. People are very quick to see you coping and arrange your social calendar on your behalf. I'm sure you are more than aware of all of that but as a new hazy mum it's good to remind yourself.

Rabbit - oooooo I know that anxiety place you speak of. I called it my being a blob of jelly on the floor. Couldn't muster any physical or emotional energy to more forward - it sucks. It's so unfair! I am liking the rebel ovaries coming back to routine. Those girls know what they are about and wouldn't pop back to life if they were rubbish. Having said all of that having lots of options will give you the hope you need to know that a baby will come. Your body needs a rest, you need a rest. Maybe a spa day in the near future? Your confidence will grow again, this awful stuff won't last forever I promise. See whatever opinions and new knowledge you can get. And if you are ovulating - hit the sack (if can muster the urge, I know its tricky when down). You come on here as often as you like to say how you feel and offload and you just watch and wait for the huge tide of rabbit propping up to see you through.

Critter - I think you are so near but so far. And I can imagine that being this close (places finger close to thumb) intensifies the horrible waiting. I like what papa critter has to say and I would take hope and peace from that and let some positives vibes wash over (if you can). You and Mr C make good embies, you can sustain a pregnancy, a bit more careful monitoring is required of course but you two have all the ingredients to bring a new life in to the world very soon who will be loved and cherished. Your heart must be eternally hurting just now.......but that pain will heal. I like the 15 day countdown idea about poetry. All that frustration and energy charged in to something good and creative. Nearly there sweetheart, nearly there.

Cos - do not feel embarrassed about the mc analysis. I don't think I would have known what was fetal tissue - no way. I think they should have warned you this might be the case where it is self collection (sorry not a nice way to put it). Joy has some good advice about testing options. From the outside looking in, it appears that the septum has been the potential problem all along (can't be sure of course but from my reading around structural problems they DO cause issues). So, you had it removed, took some time to heal and now back on with ttc. Taking in to account the normal time span it takes most people to get a bfp (up to 1 year) when all things are equal then you are still no where near out of the count at this stage. I wonder if you might get some different news in the next 6 months. Having said all that cos, I know how it feels to be in the thick of it and you just want it to end and get to the finishing line. I use to be so frightened and felt like the walls were closing in even when I had treatment options to use up so completely understand the waiting and agony. My goodness you have waited long enough and fought so hard. You can get pregnant. I can't tell you when but it's doable. I wish the painful journey was over. But there is still so much hope - bags of it.

Joy - oh honey I can really feel your pain in your words. How frustrating about awol af. I don't think you have ashermans either. But I understand that need to leap to the bleakest conclusion. When baby sar was born and there was a minor but very real problem with one of the organs, I flipped. No way would I have reacted like that under normal circs but long term ttc removes your internal coping mechanism because the part of the brain which says calm down it's unlikely that you will have a problem / be the unlucky one gets proven wrong time and time again. So the next time health concern presents itself the brain naturally says oh yes, it probably is that bad. The special tea sounds good - isn't angus cactus supposed to bring on cycles / af too? Not sure. We will all will af along for you in collective power. Follow your instincts about the cyst / non-cyst. I honestly think some of our knowledge and technical expertise is a rival to that of most 'fertility professionals' and no one but no one has the intuition that you have for yourself. Again looking at all options is good. But you are not out Joy my lovely. This upcoming cycle, when the time is right could be the lucky go and there is more in your favour than not. Stay strong, you can not do anymore that you are doing, you are putting in 110% and you will never ever have any regrets. But one day when you hold your baby you will feel deeply proud. Gosh I am jabbering on tonight - sorry don't mean to be annoying but a very deep rooted part of me is left here with you all forever because I remember so well the stabby pain and the day to day heartache and stress.

More to come

Joy - what I did want to tell you was I dreamt about you last night. And I was away in a caravan by the sea (that was real not in dream). I dreamt you came to my home city and you were visiting your older sister. I know you don't have one in real life. You were walking closely to her around streets of houses and she was quite tall and had similar hair colour to you. You couldn't see anyone else as you wanted to spend all your time with her which was a shame as I knew you didn't normally visit my city. You were in a room packing a case I think at some point too. Anyway crazy sar alert - Maybe she was / is your guardian angel.The sun was shinning on you both as you were walking around. Hope you don't mind me sharing that - I know you liked the double rainbow.

Den - oooo creaky sore jaws don't sound like much fun. You must be intensely stressed. I'm so sorry. I guess it feels like an extra knife edge for you as assisted fertility is your best chance and that is in the hands of the experts to arrange and organise. However I was very excited to hear about your upcoming natural / testing cycle. Eggs do sometimes prefer not to be over stimulated and there is every chance you will respond very well to this round. Although I do appreciate the variables involved with the swimmers and having the one egg to play with. I very much doubt you have ovulation / egg quality problems. Did you get any other information about your ovaries at the time of the cyst and op? Again, as things always seem to go wrong for some many of us on this board that fear of ovary issues is understandable. Have you ever done the ov stick to double check ovulation is occurring - sorry if that's unhelpful. You have so much to be proud of. You take the opportunities you have and get on with it. It must be so hard living day to day with the burden without any real support other than Mr Den but you just get on with things. I'm so sorry about the stress this causes. One final thought is consuming egg boosting things like fish oil in the lead up to the next cycle just to fully optimise egg and ovary function - again sure this is something you are aware of. Big hugs sweetheart.

Welcome Lucie - the analysis is probably ok if over all count is high. There is a lot that is not known about sperm and if everyone was analysed they would probably find most men don't have optimal swimmers. Lycopine is proven to help although not sure if that is motility or morphology. Worth considering multivits for him as well as acupuncture if he's open to it. There was a study done once that showed policemen had lower sperm quality due to the location of the walki talki thing near the crotch area. If he has a job where such things are used or he regularly puts a lap top on his knees these can apparently impair quality. How long have you been trying? Any other concerns with your cycles etc or is all else seemingly ok? Good luck.

Sar you're such a sweetie.

Nelly am booking the flights.

Joy I just thought, aren't there acu points which are meant to encourage af that you could massage / use moxa? My acu lady does inside thigh ones.

Went to see the film Lucy at the cinema today. If you liked the matrix I'd def recommend and I came out wanting to read/learn/travel/see/do/grab life etc.

Sar, you're so lovely to the time to write such long message to us all. You're incredibly thoughtful and sweet and wise x

Joy, any sign of the witch?

Sar - you're beautiful! What a lovely lovely message and I can't believe your dream . I will take that as some kind of sign too! It must have been horrid for you finding out about mini Sar and I am not surprised you flipped. Thank god everything is ok now.

Nelly - it's tough and people's words can be very insensitive. And I am never sure it helps being told about older people's successes. Just because someone else has struck lucky, I have come to realise it has no bearing on us. I do lap them up sometimes but it's a bit tedious when people keep saying it.

No sign of AF . It's 10 days now. Booked in for a scan tomorrow. I think this cycle will be cancelled. I can't understand what is happening, it feels like my body is gearing up for ovulation but My breasts are sore. But how can I be gearing up for ovulation or be getting sore boobs when the buserilin is suppose to be suppressing all my hormones. Trying not to panic about things. Ha ha not.

And i know I will want to thump any more nurses or doctors who ask "are you pregnant?". I am sure some lucky people find themselves in that position and if I had had sex in the last few months I may have been suspicious but luckily I know categorically it can't be possible !

sar you're such a special and kind person. Thank you for popping in and for your kind and encouraging words. So pleased everything was ok with mini sar.

joy really glad you get scanned tomorrow, this is all just terribly frustrating. I can't understand why they've waited so long to scan you.

nelly I hide from people who I think are about to announce pregnancies so I can completely understand why the A * announcement would still be a bit of a gut punch.

cos I am now in Scotland, sleeping until 10am every morning and enjoying glorious sunshine, badger watching and greengage picking. Is a good way to make the time go faster.

Love to all. ray how are you doing? Is AF here yet?

Good luck for the scan tomorrow Joy. And, erm, try not to punch anyone if you can. I'm sure there must be some NHS rules somewhere about eligibility and punching the medics. Thinking about it, maybe that's why they act the way they do, they're trying to incite violence to save costs!?

Critter hope you have a lovely break with your family.

I know sorry cos, sounded a little bit violent didn't i-It's the drugs !

So AF came yesterday which was perfect timing for my scan today and no cyst and so I can start stimming on Friday. Saw a lovely doctor who said it took 10 days to arrive because I downregged last month and it is body confusion (thank you fox, you were spot on). Just wish I had spoken to this doc last week who would have put my over active imagination to rest and told me there was no cyst.

Feel so so much better. Thanks again for all your support through my neuroses. now no doubt it will start up again shortly!

That's great news, joy. I think we are so used to things not going right that we always jump to the worst conclusion. The nurses there should be better informed though, she could have told you that instead of asking if you were pregnant. What drug are you using for stimming?

I'm on day 27 so af probably due at the weekend. I hope this isn't going to be a long cycle because I really want to get on with this go.

Yey Joy, fantastic news, I'm so relieved for you. That's the horrible down regging part done then. When do you go back for the next scan?

Ray how are you feeling now, are you still feeling a bit dodgy?

I'm all recovered now, thanks for asking cos. It was some sort of virus that left me feeling quite rotten for a couple of days. In one of my rare optimistic moments I worry about how I'd cope with the first trimester, I hate being ill!

Did anyone hear the news last week about the panda at Edinburgh zoo being pregnant? I can't believe that news left me feeling stabby. A panda in captivity is more fertile than me, ffs.

I can't stay mad at the panda though, not after watching this video of her. I love her roly polys. Shes so cute. Do you think panda in a pram would work? www.edinburghzoo.org.uk/animals-attractions/attractions/giant-panda-experience/

Thanks ray and cos.
Ray - pleased you are better and sounds like we are going at starting at similar times. I am on menopur and growth hormones for stimulation.
Oh I identified with Tian Tian because she gets artificially inseminated and everyone has been watching her and wondering whether she is or whether she isn't. She was suppose to be pregnant last year but I think she miscarried. So much pressure on her poor thing.
I get envious of the ducks in the park though. There are some real breeders there. But when you watch carefully (as I do!), there are quite a few lady ducks who don't have a brood and they just seem to stare on rather forlornly. I know how they feel!

Joy that is such good news. Phew. I'm so pleased for you that it's not another cyst. How frustrating that you didn't get any sense out of the nurse in the first instance. Inconsistencies in care really irk me. If she didn't know, she could have asked the doctor rather than leaving you to worry. I'm extending Lots of Good Luck from Casa Bunny for this round :)

Ray I'm glad you're feeling better. X

Sar your way with words and kindness never cease to amaze me. I'm glad mini Sar is in rude health now. :)

Critter your hols in Scotland sound lovely. I'd love to visit. By the time I get round to it, I'll probably need my passport to go ;) Btw, I'm thinking of you loads on the last leg of your wait for having your twibling gently placed into their lovely new home. Not long now.

Cos my heart sank when I read about the results of your analysis. As others have said, so much comes out it would be so hard to tell what's what. Your wedding pic on the other place is gorgeous. And can I add that you don't look any different to when I met you a few months back. (I might he feeling a bit glum that baby bunny pointed at a wedding pic yesterday and said "daddy" at mr p and when I pointed at me and said mummy, she looked at me like I was an alien. ) This is your baby year, I think having your septum out must be the answer as you are so obviously in good health, with nothing else wrong. Just time. Many of my "mum" friends tried for 9+ months. In fact, I don't know anyone who had an easy time from start to finish. Instadiffers have had other challenges along the way. I'm lucky my friends (old and new) are so honest. Sorry for wobbling on. Keep the faith cos! Xxx

Nelly you lucky thing with your glam holidays and 2-seater car. Keep that up and you'll be preggers before you know it ;) Sorry about the insensitive comments from your sil. I do think some people need to adjust their drivel filters. My DM and dgm need high density drivel filters.

Fox if you're reading, loved the FB picture. I hope your having a wonderful holiday.

I've got Black Forest gateau ready to go with the bake off tonight. (The cheap frozen variety, straight from the 80s, baby!)

Fox that is helpful about the scar, thanks. I found the op such a trauma that it is good to know that one day it will be barely noticeable. It's an important part of me being able to leave the horrible memories of the section behind me.

I hope you are feeling better now. Thank you for taking the time to post about the healing from your puddle. It's great that you are ovulating again. My body was also always very keen to get back on track after being messed with.

joy I really don't think that you have to worry about Asherman's, but I sympathise with the WTF cycle. Why do these always happen when you really don't need them? I'm so glad that it has sorted itself out and seen a reassuring doctor (finally). I'm so pleased that a gang of 10+ers are about to get going again.

cos I can't believe how long you had to wait for that. How irritating. Don't feel silly. Identifying what is what in the middle of an mc is nigh on impossible.

critter I also have a good feeling about this cycle. Your Scottish break sounds wonderfully relaxing.

nelly I had the 2 seater (my second in a row - I love little nippy cars and dislike big cumbersome ones...). I didn't get upduffed. On 16 November, I picked up our new Volvo (chosen as we could fit our shooting gear in it and it was a more suitable first car for mr euro if he ever gets around to learning to drive, but of course it is also a very dull family car). I was officially upduffed by the 24th (due to backdating a pregnancy to the first day of your period). Volvo should really add the fertility properties of the XC60 to their marketing materials...

Good advice, sarlat. My mind feels like it wants to do stuff, but the body is reluctant and just wants to snooze and eat cake. C is doing very well and has put on 10oz in the past 6 days. She really is a little chunk now. It's her due date tomorrow. I love seeing your FB pictures too.

I'm another teeth grinder. Well, I do it when I am stressed, which has been pretty much all the time in recent years.

Is my iPad broken or have we gone very quiet?

Euro I've had a practical family car nearly always (if you can call what's under the bonnet practical ) and that certainly hasn't got me diffed. I started looking at smaller cars but so far all my favourites are bigger or faster than what I already have. Oh dear. How is Centime? I love seeing how chubby she has got already! Have you ventured out yet?

Cos unbelievable that it took them all that time to tell you, effectively, nothing. I know you've been hoping for answers but listen to wise Sar. I still believe the septum must be a huge part of the issue here.

Bunny DO NOT JOKE ABOUT THE PASSPORT . I am terrified your joke may come true, I like being British (and Scottish) and can't bear to think of what might happen. Ps you know the angry face wasn't at you, right?? . I'm still so excited for you and your bunn-let. Hope you feel well.

I hadn't heard about the Panda Ray, I think my pregnancy filter must be working too well. I'm moving roles at work soon (internal, just the subject matter, not the team). The person who is picking up my current workload will be coming off maternity leave from her second. She is a year older than me and got pregnant at the drop of a hat, I happen to know. Don't ask how. I have always found her quite difficult to be around, I'm just bloody jealous, and now I need to train her then remain in the same team and be friendly and everything. Crickey I'm quite a cow. Anyway, back to what I was going to ask, how are things with both you and Joy?

and Critter, sorry we couldn't meet. Are you still here? Hope the break was restful. You are back on the wagon by now I think?

Fox, my lovely bushy tailed vixen. How are you?

Had a productive weekend but my mind has been wandering back towards Athens again. I'm about to email them to tentatively get a plan together. In other news, we've started looking at possible moving abroad options. Nothing even remotely concrete, but one thing we decided when away for the big birthday, was that if Athens etc doesn't work out, we have to make a grand gesture. Keeping on as we've always done just won't cut it for me.

Sorry for incomplete catch up. General waves at everyone I've missed.

Hello ladies.

Back in the land of the free and jet lagged, tucked up in bed with a castor oil pack (sar if you are reading - I had a triple layer uterine lining at my last scan, even though it was thin, and I reckon the old castor oil might have had something to do with it). We have been quiet.

Sorry for abortive Scottish meet. We didn't have a car and I slept basically every day until 9am at least, was great. This sounds terrible but every time I am asleep, when I wake up, I'm pleased because I think that is time that has passed in which I didn't have to be awake and conscious and thinking. I feel guilty about wishing my life away but there it is.

nelly very interesting about Athens. And about living abroad. So, a few questions. When would Athens be, do you reckon? This autumn? And I am fascinated by the living abroad idea. Come to the country of high fructose corn syrup! It's funny, when I'm home I sort of miss my 'home' here, but when I'm back at 'home' I miss my real home in the UK. I do think it's a good idea to plan adventures though. Could you go somewhere you could take the hobbles? Also ugh at colleague. I find that sort of thing hard to deal with. My commiserations.

bunny hope you're doing ok, glad you're out of the scariest period now with your pregnancy. I really hope you have a smooth ride for the rest of it.

ray and joy hope you're both doing ok. Have you started stimming yet?

euro hope all's well and you're recovering well. I think it was around the 6 week mark post c section that I started feeling physically more back to my old self again. Don't know if this is vaguely even on your radar yet but DTD afterwards was a bit sore for a bit, which I wouldn't have thought, but it does get much easier.

AFM sorry for incomplete catch up. Have been struggling a bit. Just really sad being at home, wishing we had our 7 month old baby with us. Was my mum's 70th birthday yesterday and I just wish I could have cheered her up with a nice chubby grandchild. Anyway. Taking my tablets dutifully.

Speaking of pandas and bizarre fertility ish-oos in animals. We saw a badger every night on my holiday, scavenging for scraps outside. I looked them up on Wikipedia and did you guys know that dominant female badgers can apparently suppress ovulation in other, less alpha, subordinate female badgers? They give off some hormone chemical or something. The mind boggles.

Critter it must have been hard being home. I'm sure when you were pregnant you started to visualise things like introducing your new baby to family and coping with the flight. Out of the ordinary things put it into focus so much. It's no surprise you feel sad, you've had so much to deal with this year. You will have your happy ending though; heaven knows you deserve it.

Fascinating stuff about the badger. Maybe the off-the-wall hypno lady was on the right track, and mental influence can play a part. Perhaps I need to start listening to the CDs again and see if I can trick my body.

Not sure on timing re Athens; we have a huge holiday credit card to pay . But yes hopefully by the end of the year. As for moving abroad there are several candidates. The land of HFCS is probably tricky visa-wise. OH's employer is based in the country where everything bites or stings. Across the ditch to Buzzy's homeland is my top choice and a possibility work wise. But nothing imminent. Right now I just have the Fear of Winter. Maybe it will pass.

Better go as very busy with work. Loves to all.

Nelly – moving abroad sounds exciting. Do you have any thoughts where you could go and could you take your hobbles? Would this be for a career change or to get away from this damned thing hanging over you? Strangely I keep saying to Roy we should go abroad if the kids thing doesn’t happen. Although I know running away from a problem doesn’t make it disappear. Somehow, I would need to come to terms with it first I think. Your work situation sounds horrible and that woman doesn’t sound like a good person to be around. I hope you can train her and hope your office is then suitably big enough for you not to be near her.

Critter lovely, I think this waiting around is just more torture for you and to think that James would be 7 months old is horribly difficult for you. I have full faith in your Dad’s prophecies and you will be turning a corner very soon to better things. It’s just been a dreadful year for you and I’m not surprised you value dreamland so much. Was your mum not cheery on her 70th or has she been badly affected by what has happened to you too? We do put so much pressure on ourselves. My parents have noticeably aged over the last few years and I get very upset that I haven’t provided them with a grandchild yet and it scares me. It’s silly because I can’t do anything about it and the pressure doesn’t help.

Euro – so pleased to hear that little centime is piling on the pounds. It’s wonderful to hear.

How is everyone else doing?

Has anyone ever read Fertile Female? I was told to get it by someone. It’s quite American but the lady who wrote it seems to get very good success. But was wondering what others thought.

I started stimming whilst Roy was doing 80mph down the M25 on Friday night. It took 40 mins. Not easy trying to crack open all the bottles and mix everything together and inject in a moving vehicle. As usual I sliced my finger open with those bloody bottles, So lots of blood added in to the mix! Note to self: stop car in future. I’ve now got to book in intrallipids but don’t really know when for. It seems to be up to me when I go which is much easier than the military last place. But in general I just feel so bad about what I’m doing to my body. I seem to be on a high dosage of drugs for the 3rd time and it all just feels very wrong. First scan on Wednesday.

I'm here but new term swamped and still not ttc. At all. I feel really done with it. I might even eat a plate of peas!

Critter, my lovely. I felt sad to read your post and felt huge surges of wanting to make it better. The what ifs and feelings of longing must feel acute. But, we trust in dad critter and a twibling awaits I just feel it in my witchy bone.

Sar thank you so much for your ever eloquent and kind post. Mini sar has amazing mum.

Joy your blood syringe story made me do a wibble! It does feel grim introducing all these hormones into our bodies, I feel that very strongly. But, this round has lots of new things that may well be the answer. Hold on there.

Nelly, abroad you say? Can I come?

You may have guessed that I have not been ok. At all. But I'm doing lots of positive things to feel better. I guess it's to be expected and I'm ever glad of you lot

Waves to everyone else.

Oh Fox lovely, it's so unfair, I'm so sorry you've been in such a hole. I'm glad there are some things which are helping. You were downregging for so long I wouldn't be surprised if it took you extra long to feel ok again just hormonally. Big squeeze, we're all here if you want to talk.

Joy I'm loving your on the move injecting skills, very impressive. I so know that feeling of what am I doing to my body. Good luck for the scan tomorrow. I haven't read fertile female no, I will look out for it. I have about 6 ttc related books on my kindle app now but never really read them properly. I think I need to buy proper books for this stuff. I did order the zita west cookbook today after reading an article in the metro. Such a sucker for things like that. I'm glad this place seems a bit less high stress. Oh I'm so hopeful for you, I have everything crossed.

Nelly making plans sounds great. For Athens and moving abroad. I completely agree that the thought of just living my life as it is and not doing do something similar grand gesture wise makes me cold. I'd really like to throw the 'this is how you should live your life' rule book in the air if there's no kids to be responsible for and do the ski bum thing, or tbh the 'eat, pray love' thing sounded amazing. Shame for me that DH doesn't feel the same. They always say things happen when you're making other plans so concurrent planning sounds a good way forward.

Oh Critter. Can there be any more difficult points in life than the one you're at right now? There must be so many 'what if' moments. This is the hardest part. The darkest part before dawn. Keep going, that twibling will be with you soon. Yey to the lovely triple layer. And I'm grateful that you are sleeping well, that must be helping a good preparation and build up physically for next go.

Euro, ace news to the little chunk. You must be becoming happier and more relaxed with every oz.

Bunny, thank you for saying that! I will choose to believe you . We have to do our coffee soon, work has been busy with no opportunities for working from home. I hope you're well. When's the 12 week scan? Do come in October if you're fee.

Ray, sodding pandas.

Af came yesterday. That actually was ok. The picnic in the park on Sunday with lots of friends, all of whom have kids, totally threw me as always. Tears beforehand, very grumpy, I actually ended up enjoying it a bit I think sometimes it's the thought of it all and worst of worst, the pity and kindness. Gah.

Fox, I am not surprised you haven't been ok. That was 3 months of torture for nothing. It will take a while for everything to get out of your system too. I am pleased you are doing some nice things. I know last year after my m/c I had to go on an emotional detox and it took a long time to emerge from the hole. So look after yourself .

Cos- I am sorry about AF. It's still early days since the op, better things are on the horizon. And well done for going to the park with everyone and their babies especially with AF. I would find that immensely hard. I think you would like that book. It's called Fertile Female how the power of longing for a child can save your life and change the world.
It's an interesting premise. I am trying to put some stuff in to action. Everything will be fine I keep telling myself and you will be too.

I read on BBC that Tian tian the panda had a miscarriage apparently.

Well neuroses started again with ivf. Don't you love it. I have found a note I wrote saying take 12mg starting on day 1 of stims. 12mg of what??! Been sweating all evening. What have I forgotten to take for the last 5 nights??? I have a load of progynova in my bag so I wonder whether it is that. In the hospital tomorrow so will ask.

X