TTC way longer than 10 months past & present

[joycep]

A group of lovely ladies who've seen it all

cos you said about 5 days but it was my first sign, did you speak to a consultant about your progesterone as you tried it yourself once didn't you

Cos I don't know whether there's a link but if you're bleeding post ov as well as during AF it suggests you're losing blood and therefore could be low in iron and that would make you feel ill and tired. I try to take an iron supplement as I tend that way (pale and anemic looking) and I wonder if it causes other problems. Worth asking doc about.

Buzz I remember your backache! And the fez with mustard on it that you had to eat after being so upset it hadn't worked!

I mean if the iron deficiency causes other problems, not the iron supplements.

critter ah yes the fez dinner, I think I was desperately trying to protect myself :) how are you feeling

Oh Critter I'm with you now, yes that makes sense I'll look into it thanks!

Just popping on briefly before Downton.

Joy I am whooping for Chloe and Joey. Do not despair over lack of frosties. Frosties do not usually come from most cycles. They are a bonus of course, but not indicate of how these two lovely beauties are developing. They have every chance. And do you know what this is still NOT last chance saloon regardless of the outcome. So deep breath, hold on tight and stay positive. I am thinking of you with all my might.

Critter - oh honey, here we go on the next rollercoaster adventure. My goodness your luck is due to come in this time. I am thinking of you and appreciate the mixed feelings you must have, so extra big squeezy hugs. But your future is a bright orangey sunshiny one.....I promise.

Ray - I am so sorry they told you 2mm was normal. I beg to differ with your docs but 1mm is totally ok. I seem to remember mine grew at a rate of 1mm per 3 days then tended towards huge growth spurts of 3mm per day towards the end of the follicle growth time. Totally normal. Having said all that I understand the rising panic when people (seemingly flippantly) cast us off as falling out of normal ranges. It is a horrid feeling and so difficult to believe we have anything that works as it should. Stay positive honey as much as you can. So so difficult. I have nothing but admiration for you and digging very deep here. Big hugs.

Rabbit - hope things feel a bit calmer. Crikey you deserve 6 months retreat in a 5 star hotel after the calamity from your clinic. Enjoy lovely things because you are simply so stunningly lovely and you deserve nothing less. I have recently read about thyroid problems and light af. Is that something you had known about?

euro - that is one stunning baby you have on your hands and never in a million years would I have picked her out as a prem baby. You have done a fantastic job in chubbing her up. She is an absolute delight.

Cos - more puzzling signs and symptoms post ov. I guess your body is still learning what is normal post surgery and that doesn't mean anything is wrong but I can totally understand the puzzlement. I agree that progesterone is worth investigating. Can you go for another day 21 test? Critter has good advice. Really pleased about your Chinese doc appointment, I would explore this in your shoes.

Nellie - exciting times ahead. Sounds like they will take excellent care of and I'm sure they will talk you through the specifics of dr and stimming times etc. Just think in a few weeks time, this groundhog day nightmare could be over. Nothing but love and laughter......oh I am really hoping that this is your time. I have a really good feeling.

Pout - wow at long strange cycles too. So interesting that you think egg and swimmers do meet some months. I guess there are so many theories and strategies you can apply. Did you ever get any further with the b12 was it? deficiency?

Gin and Buzz - hello and big squeezes to mini people.

sar what a lovely long message. Hope all is well and that mini sar is settling into nursery. Thank you for your kind positive thoughts, your posts are always wonderful and you really do have a special heart.

How's everyone? ray is EC on Weds? joy how are you holding up?

Special squeezes to fox and pout. Thinking of you both.

How are you doing critter?

joy how are you coping with the wait?

ray I have everything crossed for a successful EC on Wednesday.

I'm thinking of you all and cheering you on through the fog of sleep-deprivation.

euro I have joined joy in the worry zone. I cried with fear last night because I had light pink spotting and a tiny bit of brown spotting today, and strong cramps... it just feels similar to my last mc cycle. I'm only 11dpo so I need to get a grip. I am actually more scared of a positive result followed by another mc than a negative result.

Hope you're getting some sleep during the day although I hear all that 'sleep when the baby sleeps' stuff is a myth. Is breastfeeding going ok?

ray I hope you're ok and not too nervous about tomorrow. Tight squeeze.

Oh critter im sorry this is agonisingly nail biting and I wish I could fast forward things for you. This is so likely to be implantation bleeding and that is not a mc indicator as we know from this thread. But I totally empathise with the holding your breath and waiting zone. I truly believe the odds are in your favour here and that twibling is settling in for the long haul.

Sar, you truly do have a beautiful heart and I'm so glad you're still here with us caring and cheering us on. It means a lot.

Joy how are you feeling? Hope all is well.

And that goes to everyone. I'm in a Bad Mood as I have the most horrible cold and am a snotty coughing beast - an actual braying mooing beast of evil. I can't hear, taste, smell or think of anything nice to say to anyone! It seems to be making the long term hell of trying for a baby just that little bit worse

Critter tight squeeze. It's mind bendingly difficult all this waiting and wondering and agonising. Have hope. All will be well I can feel it.

Ray will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Joy I hope you're ok and not going too insane with it all.

Waves to everyone else.

critter another tight squeeze for you. The wait is so painful, I know. The spotting and cramping tie in with implantation so I'm still quietly confident that this is going to be ok.

joy how are you doing?

fox squeeze for you too. A cold is not what you need, is it freshers flu?

cos are you able to speak to the dr who did your septum about the mid cycle bleeding?

Well, it turns out I did need the tissues after all. I didn't get to ec because the scan showed the follicle had got smaller, so they think I had ovulated but only just because the lining still looked pre ovulation so it had probably just happened. I always knew this was a likely outcome but I still feel so disappointed. Also, the embryologists were there poised and ready to go and they also looked so genuinely disappointed that made me feel bad too. The nurse was so lovely, she held my hand and stroked my thigh (in a nice not pervy way!) and said she was so sorry and offered to make me a cup of tea. When people are kind like that, it makes me want to cry.

Next time, dr says we'll do trigger only 12 hrs before to see if that helps. I feel shit that I've messed work around, and I know I can't keep doing this but of course I want to try again. It's all so bloody hard, and I feel so defeated by it all just now. :(

Ray just wanted to say how sorry is I am that you has this rotten rotten luck. I am gutted for you. Don't feel bad for the embryologists, none of this is your fault! As for work, well, it's a pain but work will have to manage. You're dealing with a huge amount of stress and also giving them the best you have. It's not a bad deal for them!
Next month they will watch you a lot more closely. But how I wish this was the end to it and you didn't have to stay on the horrible ttc treadmill.

Cos and fox thank you for being so kind. I emailed a bit yesterday with another woman I met recently who also lost her son full term, two weeks after me, who was also IVF, and who also did a FET last week... Very odd how closely our timings are aligned. Her test day is the day after mine. She told me to remember I was doing everything right, which for some reason helped calm me, along with your sweet messages and the ever patient and practical MrC. Fox how is the cold? I have ginger and lemon tea when I'm suffering like that... Could hare make you some?

Ray oh no how frustrating. Oh lovely you deserve to feel thoroughly hacked off especially when you guessed that might happen. Next month will be here before you know it though.

Critter I love that, you are def doing all the right things. We all are. That isccomforting.

ray Oh for goodness sake, I am so sorry that this cycle has gone a bit tits up. I'm not surprised that you are so fed up and deflated. It is a hard slog, the drugs do horrible things physically and mentally and to not even get a shot at the prize must be soul destroying. Lots of love to you.

critter I am sorry that you had a few tears too. The wait is so tense. I also wouldn't rule yourself out because of some spotting. For many it is a positive sign joy how are you holding up?

fox I offer hugs from a safe distance! Hope that your cold goes soon, it sounds like a doozey.

cos the iron thing might be worth looking into, makes sense. Thanks for your blind offer, it's very kind, but like you say the logistics are probably too difficult!

Hello sarlat How are things with you? It's a vitD deficiency and I am necking mega doses and am not quite sure what is right. I keep reading conflicting things on the interweb. The irony isn't lost on me either that I appear to have come full circle now in the scheme of TTC and am back to popping vits and investing in snake oil

I was watching This World and it was called Ireland's Lost Children and it occurred to me that this is the best way to describe how infertility feels. In my mind my babies have always existed right from when I was a little girl and pushing dolls in a pram, it was a given that one day I would have my own real life babies and this thought continued throughout my whole life. It was always a case of "when" I would have my babies. I guess it is like they already existed somewhere and they would come into my life when the time was right. To me, finding out that I can't get pregnant feels like my babies are lost and I can't get to them. Sorry for a random thought but it hit me that it was such an apt way to describe how I feel and probably where much of the frustration & panic comes from.

Waves to gin and buzzy

Just catching up after going google mental last week which was disturbing my work. Thought I would do a black out on here for a few days.

Critter - sorry to hear of your crying yesterday. Those symptoms sound so promising though. But I know what you mean. I was relieved last year when I was told it didn't work as I didn't want to have to go through another dodge pregnancy. Anyway hang in there lovely. Think what your dad told you. This is your time now.

Ray - so so sorry about this morning. It's rubbish and so much crap just makes you think somebody is jerking your chain. I am flabbaghasted as to the small stats I always seem to fall into. It's very odd as statistically you would think it's not possible for all of us on here to pick the short straw so often.

Pout / your post just now made me teary. It's so true. I feel the same. Weirdly i keep having flashes of 'my chikdren'. I had one today when I was supposed to be listening to my boss in a meeting. I just had an image of giggling with my daughter on her bed. How crazy is that? It's very hard to accept that this won't happen and I fear i will never get over it.

Sar - thank you as ever for these kind words. Your words always mean a lot

Fox - argh at the bad mood. I can get in to horrible moods every now and again. I hope it passes. How are you doing?

Thanks all. Just want to test and get this over with now. I don't feel remotely pregnant. Doesn't feel like anything is in there and I think I have a very good idea of what it feels like when something is going on. Normally would have had strong period pains by now and I always go off tea too which I haven't. I have a christening at the weekend and so think will test the day before rather than on the day. I would also like to have a big glass of wine and come off the drugs ASAP. Roy keeps saying I am pregnant so he feels positive but he just wants it so much and I dread disappointing him again. Feels like the longest cycle ever. First started downregging on 9th July and went to the doctor nearly a year ago for an ivf referral. A lot of waiting for nothing.

Joy will be thinking of you tomorrow if you do test. It has been a long old round for you this one, you've done so well to stick with it. I will be so hoping for good news for you, god knows you deserve it.

Pout that is very poignant. I can recognise those feelings also.

pout I totally get that. I always assumed it would happen so easily! It is odd sometimes that this is it, I'm living my life and this is all the life I get… I always assumed certain things were going to come to me - including children - and it's such an jolting feeling that they haven't. I hate the thought of you feeling so panicky and grief-stricken.

joy good luck if you do test tomorrow sweetheart. I have everything crossed for you my lovely girl. I want this for you so badly.

cos hope you're doing ok. You are so kind and so supportive.

fox I hope your horrible cold has subsided a bit.

ray I am passing you chocolate and crap magazines through the tent flap.

All ok here. After our lovely weekend with the elderly jack russell, MrC and I are seriously considering a dog and are planning to go to see a little terrier mix at a local rescue centre on Saturday. The excitement of this possible canine addition to our home is acting as a good distraction from testing. I will be 14dpo tomorrow but am going to hold out until my official test on Monday… the longer I can put it off, the better, almost. Sending love to everyone.

Critter I love the dog distraction plan. You sound calm and happy, I hope that is the case. Not long till test day, hope you're doing ok.

Joy big squeeze to you if you did test.

Pout did you watch Philomena or the documentary recently with martin sixsmith and those Irish ladies who had their kids sold? Such a horrible story and you just can't believe that happened so recently.

Afm I did a cheapie internet yesterday which was arctic, and af due today/tomorrow which I can sort of feel coming on. But have had some nice high temps this week, and DH has astounded me by joining me on a bit of a health kick. We've done 4 weeks together now of doing our respective restrictions. Maybe my nagging has finally paid off, I will have to double my efforts of the other things I nag him about! So those things are making me feel ok. And today, I am taking the day off. A whole day just for me. Bliss.

How's everyone else doing?

critter FWIW I think that holding out until Monday sounds like a good plan, no squinting at tests or uncertainty. Fingers so tightly crossed for you, you and joy deserve some luck.
Woo hoo on a potential new doggy in the critter household. I mean't to say that I saw the picture on FB of your house guest and how cute he is. We think that Little Dog might have some Jack Russell in him (his fruit loopy, tenacious, cuddly and insanely loyal side).

joy I so hope that you are wrong and that not feeling anything different doesn't mean a thing. You read that a lot on here about women saying that their successful cycle was the one where they were convinced they were out. I can't believe your rotten luck having a christening at the weekend. You are a better person than me for even considering going.

cos Bugger at the arctic test. Are you okay? I hope that you have a good day off. What you got planned? Yes, I saw the Martin Sixsmith documentary. It is so sad and heartless. I have seen quite a few documentaries recently about the various Catholic Church scandals and it beggars belief. Makes me think back to the parish priest at my primary school who was clearly boffing the parish nun It's all so grubby & so far from God.

I'm glad that you ladies understood what I mean't about the lost thing. I didn't mean that it was anything like the poor Irish mothers just that the term "lost" seems accurate, like I have mislaid my babies. They exist and always have but we can't get to each other.

Well happy weekend ladies. I hope you have all got something lovely planned. I am planning a Breaking Bad marathon and sandwich fest (I've been good all week and deserve a food treat!) Mind you the Box set marathon might not be happening since Big Dog knocked a glass of water all over the TV remote so that now it doesn't work and the TV picture is stuck with some kind of bizarre view where peoples heads are chopped out of shot

Critter - you should definitely get a dog. I dream of having one and have given myself 3 years and then will be getting one. how are you doing?

Cos - high temps are really good. could it still be too early? I honestly don't think you'll need to do ivf again , i think you will crack this by yourself.

Pout - i must be one of the few who never got in to breaking bad. I did try but for some reason it went over my head. But naughty big dog!

so i have just done a boots test and a line is definitely showing in the pregnant box. I'm bemused. I should be jumping up and down but i'm sitting here fearful and nervous. I just don't feel pregnant. Not a hint of anything. I like to think i know my body and the signs!. I am up north as well and have just one gestone injection with me which i have just done but nothing else. I didn't think there was any point in bringing them. but they do say you can't get rid of a healthy pregnancy don't they so if the embryo was healthy then surely my body must do its thing until tomorrow evening when i can get back to my drugs.
Because this wasn't a blood test , I feel a bit blind to what is going on...it could actually be a chemical....or perhaps it's 3rd time lucky?

Oh Joy. I'm quietly squealing with, err Joy, at this end. I totally understand how it feels such a long way from here until holding a baby in your arms. But this is the first step. Seeing a line means you are in with a chance. It's not a guarantee that things will be ok. But it's a heck of a lot better than if there had been no line at all. I will just quietly keep fingers tightly crossed for you. When is the blood test, Monday?

Critter huge good luck for yours as well.

Pout your post was very emotional. I feel a bit of a fraud sometimes as I never envisioned children in my future when I was younger. But I still imagine my children every so often. I think I've actually posted on here that I have the odd "vision" like Joy mentioned. It's really just a daydream but it's what keeps me going towards DE. That child I see is mine, and special because of all the circumstances that brought "her" into being. In those moments I know I'm doing the right thing and hoping it works

Ray I hope you are ok. Have you decided what happens next?

Cos I'm sorry about arctic. I hate them so much. I agree with Joy though. Hope you are ok.

Better go as busy weekend ahead. Will try to catch up later.

Wow, congratulations, Joy! I did really believe this was the cycle for you, partly because it would be ironic that the nhs cycle would trump the all singing, all dancing super expensive rounds. I don't think lack of symptoms mean anything, it's very early days. I'm sure your body will be producing enough progesterone on its own. Are you on bullets too?

Critter. I love the dog plan. I'm keeping everything tightly crossed for you.

Pout, I might start breaking bad this weekend, I'm half way through the first series of orange is the new black which I'm quite enjoying.

I'm house bound waiting on the plumber to come round. I should get on with some work I have to do but instead I'm procrastinating. Pout, I know what you mean about the lost children. From being very small I imagined my children. I feel so scared when I realize that dream might be lost, it's like everything I thought was true has been exploded.

Cos, hope you're doing ok. Arctic always hurts, even when expected.

Nelly, I wanted to try natural again next month but Sod's law I think ec would fall right in the middle if us being away. I really do feel that something is against us. At every hurdle we seem to be thwarted. I actually can't see a way out just now, I feel fairly bleak about it all.