New balls please! The BESH are hanging out the cunt bunting for Wombledon and saddling up for the Tour de France!

[FizzyFeet]

Rules of entry: must be ttc #1 for over a year, be suitably evil and hag-like, and submit your BESHtionnaire for our approval. If you are a baby duster or a hun, this ain't the thread for you.

Amazing advice Fab, love it. The menkul is always hiding behind the next bush to ruin our feel good factor hey? Winks time is already standing still... Rarely do I get the chance to take life as slowly as I have today even. The trick is going to be in enjoying it. Any other bloody holiday would whip by and I don't suppose I want that either. Just as long as le bod and le embies are getting well acquainted with each other while we're at it.

Erica I took Letrozole. I felt a bit crappy and had lots of hot flushes. It didn't get me anywhere, but I didn't find it too awful and the effects didn't last that long.

Barking weddings can be so hard. I spent ages at them frustrated that KFZK wouldn't propose (when I was at yet another wedding of friends who had met after we had been together for years) and then having bump envy. Now I don't have to worry about those things, I have no wedding invites...

I agree with bugs about how hard it is. It is amazing when it goes well, but there are times when you seem to be oozing from everywhere, sleep deprived and trying to satisfy the needs of a mini-dictator when it is bloody tough. Apparently folks who have struggled with ttc have a tendency towards pnd because they have focussed on the ideal picture of life with kids for so long and have further to fall than the average instadiffer. Nonetheless, I'm willing you all to join me in bodily fluids hell very soon.

I'm so happy that we have a PUPO BESH. :)

Would love to join you in bodily fluid hell Euro I heard that (and saw it with my friend who did ivf) about pnd. As if we hadn't enough on our plates?! Will keep my fingers crossed that you and Bugs avoid it like the plague!
Barking I'm currently in my one private hell time of year - this time last year was when my due date should have been and instead 10 people I know sprogged. Now a year later we have ten perfect little bundles of life on Facebook (block, block, block...). It can seem like there's nowhere you can't go without a bump or a baby staring at you. But whilst you are actively in a period of not ttc I thoroughly recommend concentrating on ignoring them entirely and concentrating in a having a fab non-baby life (while shouting fuck you in your head - this really works!).

Hags I'm off on holiday tomorrow for a week one week all inclusive in turkey - time for some serious R&R, lounging all day by the pool or on the beach, occasionally dipping a toe in the water and cocktails on tap. Cannot wait!!

I wrote a long reply last night but my battery died and I appear to have lost it

Hurrah for Cherry's state of PUPOdom! twin embies too - good on you and a bloody good choice to have 2 put in. . Discard all menkul for as long as possible. You know it will hit you hard by about 9 dpt but hopefully your sunny holiday will help you to relax. Take it easy and try to enjoy not rushing around all the time.

Barking what a horrendous wedding season you've had. Am like Euro in that i would take all my own ishoos to weddings with me and then get a bit drunk and emotional. Poor MG - he's put up with a lot of meltdowns from me brought on by weddings and of course pregnancy announcements. It's horrible to be so openly reminded of the things in life you desperately want but don't have, and have no control over.

Emotions running v high for the BESH at the moment it seems. Must be the changing seasons or the recent full moon...(always gets me) ... may you ride this emotional high tide like the weathered pro surfers you are. It's not fair but you guys are well hard innit.

CHERRY AND COCO 4EVA!!

Euro yeah, looking back maybe Letrozole in itself wasn't that bad. I think it was down to me being so blue about the droid...

Since I got pregnant straight after having endo removed last April, the plan is to try with Letrozole for a few months and if it doesn't work, see if we should give IUI (again) /IVF a go. A part of me is so impatient and fed up, I want to do IVF NOW but I also know that it's really benefiting my mental health to stay away from hospitals for a little bit. Still a bit traumatised after surgery three times in three months... My poor down belows. No wonder they are not doing much for me right now, they way they've be treated since April!

Fab Sorry this is a difficult time. Have a fantastic holiday! FUCK IT!! :)

Hags, I'm aware my green hearts may have appeared as envious hearts - just a note to say they are happy hearts, I just only have a choice of green so in summary ...

Cherry pips! Woooo

(Also I'm completely and utterly burnt out from work at the moment, so I'm gonna pop in and out but I'll be back properly soon)

'tis the weekend .

Has anyone read 'How to Build a Girl' by Caitlin Moran? I said I'd go to my mate's book club next week so I had to read it. Is it rude to turn up at your first book club and tell them the book was really shit?

Ah, was it really shit? That's a shame I love her.

Also hags I've been informed that my recent posts have envy faces in them! I'm mortified!

The picture shows up a heart of my phone - you must have thought I'd gone extra crazy and mean!

Oh dear me ... Bugs and Cherry particularly, my posts were actually full of excitement for you both, I'm so sorry - I'm not envious at all of the BESH, you've all been in the baby queue for a long time, it's your turn. Sorry, sorry, sorry ( sorry that my phone is a bitch that is)

I'd do an embarrassed face but frankly I don't trust this thing anymore!

Poor misunderstood Blue and the Chinese whispers.
Sorry Barking haven't read it, shan't bother now!

Hags this PUPO thing is a nightmare, hazards at every turn! If I'm not forgetting and picking up heavy things I'm slapping strong smelling wound cream on the steed and then realising 'shit this has essential oils in it' or poaching salmon in white wine. What I wouldn't give for a large gin!

We booked a last minute holiday yesterday so heading off for some Mediterranean sun tomorrow morning, whoop! Euro is right, slightly with the fun police, but I do intend to eat my body weight in mezze and enjoy some proper chill out time. I'm hoping that being away will help keep some of the menkul,at bay. Or at least get me some vit D while we're at it.

Thanks Cherry, I appreciate it (still genuinely mortified!)

Oh no, flamin hazards! The holiday sounds well timed, hope you get lots of rest and happen to stumble upon a secret non-alcoholic gin den while you are there

Hags, I'm having a bad day, I know everyone has a lot on at the moment so I'm just dumping this so its out of my head - no need to really respond.

I hate ttc. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it!!! Every month we ttc the pressure is so intense that I'm verging on depression each month (and I don't use the term lightly) and it's seriously ruining our sex life, he's feels under so much pressure to dtd on the right days that I'm seriously beginning to feel like I'm raping him when ,it's blatantly obvious that he's not 'in the mood'

Project lick on a stick (las) started this month, it helpfully told me my best days were today, tomorrow and tues. Last week, Mr Blue gets told he has to work away mon, tues. So that leaves us tonight, and the pressure of the artificial on demand sex means we argued, I cried that I'd never win my baby, we agreed not to try again this month (cos really who wants sex after that? Not me and certainly not him) which wipes out another month.

And I feel like this happens a lot - that we plan to ttc and life sweeps in to balls it up. I'm not religious but I do believe in something more and right now I feel like God doesn't want me to have a baby, I seriously feel like I keep being knocked over with obstacles and then my fucking job is working with abused people and parents who are fucked up (beating kids, leaving them alone for days, allowing them to be groomed for abuse .. Like serious shit) and I think ... Are you serious??? Why do they get one and I don't? Why?

Hags, I'm struggling today, I am. I'm starting to believe it may never happen. I'm sick of thinking "next month.. Next month ... Next month...." When does my next month come?

I'm sorry to be so downbeat, I just have to get it out and there really isn't anyone else to tell. Sorry hags.

We've all been there, it's shit. I think you reach a point when you just can't handle it anymore (I got there when the IUI ramped the pressure up that little notch further) because it's just too much. The pressure is intense and the whole thing becomes all consuming. I totally get why people walk away and stop trying, even though they want it so desperately. There has to be an end point or you'd drive yourself insane. For me, unless something drastically changes, it's next June. At that point we'll have been trying for 3.5 years and if it hasn't worked we'll have exhausted our NHS options and I'll be too old to get reduced cost IVF through egg sharing. We'll stop trying to get me pg and go down the adoption route. Not exactly an easy option and not where we saw this heading when we started, but life throws shit at you and you have to decide how to deal with it.

I'm not for a minute suggesting you stop trying or go for adoption (unless you want to of course!) I'm just saying it's shit, and sometimes you just need to step back and appreciate what you do have and make sure that still comes first. I've been able to do that while we've had our break from TTC during the mc tests, and to be honest I'm dreading starting again. I really, really want the baby at the end, and I really, really want the whole pregnancy experience, but I'm not looking forward to returning to the emotional rollercoaster of living by cycle days and wondering if this month... Don't get me wrong, I still get upset and still have bad days, but in general I am far, far more stable mentally than I have been in well over a year (which includes 6 months of clomid, the IUI and 2 MCs, so not the easiest time).

I'm going to stop now as it's just turning into my own rant! . Just to say you're not the only one feeling it. TTC stinks. And having sex because a stick says you have to stinks. And unsuitable mothers getting repeatedly upduffed with babies they neither want nor are capable of caring for stinks to the extreme .

Hiya Blue sorry you're feeling so low right now. It's understandable and I just want to give a unbeshly back stroke and a pint of gin. The pressure to have sex on demand can put you right off- all long term ttc'ers will experience that. Poor blokes may not get the emotional torment we get but I know it really got to MG every month too and there were months when he just couldn't perform on the right days. Also totally frustrating work schedules were often an obstacle and I had to chase him round the country and sneak around pretending to 'work from home' when I was actually being a total sex tourist (I worked too by the way but still felt guilty). 2.5 years of that kind of thing became very tedious and depressing. But do you know what? The month I got diffed we didn't shag on the any of the peak days because MG was working away Monday-Thursday night. I still think it doesn't quite make sense. And I tell you this in the hope that it might ease the pressure of those stupid stick readings and smiley flashing fucking faces. Ttc is a bastard for your sanity and it will test you as much as any of life's most stressful situations (they say the stress is similar to having a serious illness). I too was (actually still am) plagued by anger and bitterness towards anyone who neglects or abuses their own children- these people do not deserve to get pregnant and have babies and I don't understand why God allows this.

Anyway, I am sure this doesn't help in the slightest but hang in there girl. And don't let the pressure ruin your chances too much. Just do a Fab and say "fuck it. Fuck it all" and maybe have a cheeky shag anyway.

Blue Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. As Barking and Fankle said, you are not alone.

I don't have much to add, just that I am on the same boat (ruined sex life, meant to DTD this week and feeling mega tense about it, lost faith in the universe etc), I know how you feel and I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy, never mind a lovely BESH!

Last April I was using OPKs and they all came back negative but I still got pregnant. I thought maybe I wasn't ovulating because I had had my lap 10 days earlier but I obviously did. Do I still use them? Of course I do, I use any fucking available resource (including eating pineapple core, please don't judge me) but Fankle is right, we shouldn't let these OPKs and temps and CM etc rule our lives.

I don't have any wise words but we are here to listen. Hope you have the chance to take it easy today. Maybe pizza, wine and a movie.

Fuck it! :)

Actually, I can think of something that may help.

I don't know about you but I have spent the last 3 years toughing it out, sort of, sharing my struggle with Mr Erica and very few close friends only.

However, in the last 8 week or so I have started seeing a wonderful counsellor (not only because of TTC woes but mainly because I am struggling to accept my mum passing away last year) and I have found a yoga teacher that I really trust. Somehow I told her about my infertility issues and she's being fantastic at listening, offering advice and sharing a positive outlook.

These two women, who are not part of my family, friendship group etc... have become a huge part of my support network and are helping immensely. I think you can have the same with any sort of therapist (acupuncture, reiki etc) as long as they are sensitive and on the right wavelength. Sometimes it's just liberating to talk to a professional, whose job is to help you, they know their stuff and they are not in any way affected by your TTC problems.

Just an idea.

Take care Blue!

Thank you, really and truly, it helps so much to have people who get it

you know Erica, the therapy thing might not be a bad idea. I hardly ever speak to Mr Blue about it (he's not exactly turned on by a crying wife demanding spaff!) and it just gets too complex talking to friends about it.

Fankle - thanks for the pint of gin, much needed! And for the hope that I may not need my "dark blue day"(the alternative of those flashing faced bastards now I lick oas, rather than POAS) as much as I desperately act like I do.

Barking - thanks again for getting it, And you rant away - I'm all for a bit of co-ranting! The whole thing is shit, and I loved my ttc break. It did do wonders for me, despite the current melt-down, I'd be in a worse place without it.

So .. Now then? Where are our babies? I think the stork may have a faulty sat nav??

And Erica, I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I know there is nothing I can say that will help so great big (but secretly gentle) arm punch to you instead

Has anyone else bought an item of clothing, casually thought 'this'll still fit me with a bump', and now gets a little depressed each time you wear it?

Yup, I have a whole 'maternity wardrobe' of clothes under the bed from when I lost weight.

Depressing in 2 ways (1) there is no baby bump to fill them (2) there is a most definite "cake and gin' bump that WOULD fill them

I haven't bought just-in-case stuff but I do have a couple of 'frocks' that someone gave me and they don't suit me at all but I haven't given them away, thinking they would be handy if I got a bump.

Thanks Blue :)

They weren't deliberate purchases due to bump potential, just clothes which due to their style would accommodate a bump. I went through a positive phase of thinking 'this'll still fit me' and imagining the bump that would fill it. Not going through such a positive phase right now.
My mate is now 20 weeks. I stumbled across her scan photos when I went round to pick up her dog to walk it (they were on the table right in front of me, she'd had the scan that afternoon). That was two days ago and it's still affecting me. Haven't struggled this much in quite a while.

Oh Barking, stupid flamin scan picture. It's understandable that it's hard though, and I know you say "it's been 2 days" but it's ONLY been 2 days. That stuff is hard to deal with. I'm sorry you're having a tough time - this stuff just isn't fair.

If it helps I've just text my friend to tell her to take condoms as she's off to meet her new fella and has ovulation pain. I think it's probably pretty messed up that I'm more worried about the emotional consequences for me from a possible unwanted pregnancy for my friend than I am for her!
Fish slaps

Oh Barking that is rough. I know that feeling. 6 months after my miscarriage I visited a friend in her new house. She'd just announced to me the day before that she was pregnant even though everyone else had already known for weeks. I saw her pregnacare vitamins on the mantlepiece. Seeing those made everything seem so much more painful for me. I cried all the way home.

Blue I think it is totally normal to be worried more for your own emotional health above anything else and to not want any of your friends to accidentally get diffed 5 minutes into a relationship. That is just pure common sense all round!

Ladies, I know you can all deal with this shit but sometimes you need to just lie low for a while to allow yourself to wallow for a bit and be extra gentle with yourself. It's is a lot of pain to process so wallow time is good for you too - this. As is gin and as many non-diffed activities as possible (I'm not missing any of those things

Cherry just came by for a lurk and saw your latest. Will cross the legs and arms n stuff for you