The Berries: On knockerwatch, sniffing willies and clinging to the coat tails of the continued clusterdiff (thread 21)

[barkingtreefrog]

The smallprint –
Berries have a strict entrance criteria (TTC #1, over 30, TTC for 12+ months, NO instadiffers, must have a special pot and definitely no mention of baby dust or baby dancing).
Those not abiding by the rules may be escorted from the premises.

Bushy how did the scan go?

HB how was your appointment?

Batking really hoping the bleeding has stopped.

Feather as others have said one day at a time, and the 13th will fly here. Fx for you in the meantime.

Hi Wildflower nice to see you back, how's everything?

How are you Funky?

Haha Feather how bizarre! Was everyone having a good time?! Wonder where I was?

I have asked the yha staff for the wifi password as I was going crazy. No reception so couldn't even text DH, at least now I can whatsapp him and possibly skype after the kids are in bed.

Still bleeding but not heavy. Headteacher has a plan B ready and said to call anytime if I wanted to change my mind and go home. I don't really want to be at home on my own all day tomorrow, I've managed to just about hold myself together in front of the kids today so I'd rather stay around them to keep the crazy at bay. DH will pick me up tomorrow night and I'll go to the clinic weds morning and brace myself for the news. Fingers crossed the bleeding doesn't get heavier before then. I specifically asked the nurse if resting could possibly help the chances but she was adamant that it was so small right now there was nothing I could do to affect the outcome either way. If she hadn't said that I would have gone home.

I don't know how I'm going to cope if the worst is confirmed on weds (or before with the bleeding). Two and a half sodding years and every f$cker is pg or has a baby and here's me losing a second, neither of which we managed to conceive without help. It stinks.

Sorry to be me, me, me, just on my phone discreetly at the back of the room while the kids watch a dvd, not got time to scroll through.

Any news from bushy?

Sorry to hear your news barking but maybe it's just a slow starter, we're all hoping it'll turn out well.

Well, inconclusive again! She scanned,basically she could see an egg yolk and sac but no fetal pole and something else that she would expect to see at nearly 7 weeks. So there was no heartbeat. She said what she could see was measuring 5 weeks and a good shape and size for 5 weeks etc but that we're 2 weeks behind and it definitely implanted in the uterus so I have a uterine pg,so we'll have to wait another 7-9 days and see if it has grown and'progressed'. She said not to lose hope but also to realise it may have not worked but the positive things to take away from it ( if a negative outcome) are that the eggs fertilised and it implanted so no issues there and that we got a pg the first time so everything would be set up well for a second try. She couldn't really shed any light on the weird lump, said perhaps it was a bit of clot caught behind and the embryo implanting moved it.

Said I can do yoga if tell teacher and we can have sex, it's just the implantation bit that you should avoid.

So there I am, both came away thinking can't believe we're still in limbo, we just want to know one way or the other so we can move on. Dh just said to me he thinks it won't be good news, he feels we've been up against it because of the low chance of a pg from Ivf, the bleed and lump. And felt the nurse was trying to tell us not to be hopeful but I just think she was trying to give us a balanced view, not to lose hope as they can progress well and they'll see more at the epu but also to prepare ourselves in case it hasn't progressed.

So any advice, any ideas?

bushy I don't know enough about it really. most pregnancies wouldn't be scanned so early so it seems likely there's a wider range of 'normal' than the guidelines admit (Def the case for.many obstetric matters such as foetal heart beat monitoring).

your FC sound very good - balanced and kind. So frustrating for you both.good news on yoga and sex though, plus nice to know you can support a uterine pregnancy? thatust be reassuring.

barking good that you can contact dh. I'd want to keep busy too.

funky any news re move?

barking and bushy This is so shitty that you have to suffer this after everything you've already been through. There's still hope, you're pregnant at the moment. I know it is zero consolation but if, heaven forbid, it doesn't work out, at least you know you can get pregnant. Maybe it takes one step at a time. And when it does work out, the babies that you have will be all the more precious for everything you've been through.

bushy Do you have another scan lined up?

My fingers are crossed for both of you.

Barking, your plan sounds good. If the kids keep your mind occupied then this is probably better than being on your own. I know that this is really unfair and infuriating and sad. I do hope it turns out to be good news on Wed though. Big hug.

Bushy, arrgh, that is frustrating. I am with you on reading her comments as an attempt to be balanced. There is hope yet. It is in the right place and the right shape. I just quickly googled and it said it is not uncommon not to hear the heartbeat yet.

Nolly, sorry that you are having a tough time with AF. I understand the resignation, I often feel like that myself. Be kind to yourself.

chloe, good news your doctor took the time to get in touch with you and talk you through your options. I hope you find a plan that is workable for you and not too stressful.

feather, am keeping fingers crossed all keeps going well and the twinges are the usual ones. I can understand that every twinge must feel exponentially worse if you had not gone through all of this. To me every twinge now feels as if my body has decided, simply out of spite, to get rid of all possible eggs for the next few years at once (completely irrational but I am verging on the edge thinking here). Can the chopper berries shed light on the twinges, maybe?

RP, when is your first scan? Are you having an early one?
Beaky, hope your cycle is getting back to 'normal' now.

Lumen, how are you getting on with the stimming?

barking it's shit isn't it. I feel your grrrr. I don't know how I will cope either if it's bad news for us. Colleague has had her 20 week scan and it'll be all baby this baby that.. It may drive me to fess up and say. Mind you didn't you said you had told your colleagues about your mmc and they were ok for a while but then all conveniently forgot and back to insensitive baby comments?

When I had my big bleed and really thought it was all over, I just wanted to go home but instead I worked on and I found it was better and kept my mind on other things. If I had of gone home I would have just slipped into self pity pit and cried, cried, cried. I think you're doing the right thing, you've got work to keep mind off but then get to see dh tomorrow and get to be back for test. So glad your head is being so supportive. Just tonight to get through,just sorry you can't be snuggled up with husband but us berries are here to keep you company. Sorry I'm waffling now, it's been a long day!

Oh gosh, just logged on to catch up and so sad to see that barking and bushy are in limbo sending hugs and

I had really hoped it was time for this cluster diff.

oh wow, over 200 posts here already, I'm having trouble keeping up! congrats to everyone that warrants them. now to find out who I mean!

bushy sorry to hear that you have more time to wait for an answer. Will still keep on hoping for you. You too barking, hope you're ok. So difficult this ttc malarkey. I've never known such heartache and disappointment than in 18 months ttc.

feather hope you're managing not to panic too much. Exciting times with your wedding this weekend! Where are you honeymooning?

hb how was your appointment?

rp hope you're not fretting too much!

Hi wildflower welcome back from your hols!

beaky how are you today?

funky how's tricks?

I'm making a conscious effort to try and be as positive as possible after a bit of a wobble recently. nolly I hear you on the resignation and hopelessness, I often feel like that tbh in the day or two before af. Hope you've managed to feel more cheered.

I am shattered! Early night....zzz

Just dropping in to give my love to Bushy and Barking

Oh and can someone tell that Kirsty Allsop to f*ck right off?! Another article in the guardian today talking about her advice to women to sack off uni and make sure you're up the duff by 27. Ffs!

I did make a comment on the twitter debate before the article went to press saying that not everyone has the money or the man to have babies before they are 30.
She retweeted and it got 10 more retweets and about 50 favourites.

Bushy that sounds like frustrating news, neither yes or no. What is a foetal pole.....(goes off to Google).

I'm sure the nurse would not have said that situations like yours do sometimes work out unless it was true. Sounds as if your DH has only heard hoar the message, maybe to protect himself in case of bad news?

Barking hope you are bearing up ok and that you are getting some sleep.

Tigerdog holiday was great. We went to Italy and there was ice cream and wine. Quite a lot if both. I had HyCoSy two days before going so no TTC last month and therefore nothing to stop me knocking back a few glasses of lovely vino.

Thank you chloe for such a lovely post! it really spoke to me.

Thanks rosie for the quick google. I think for my sanity I will stay away from google.

nolly sorry you're feeling crappy but that's why this forum is here so vent away.

tiger feel need to check out what that over entitled bint Kirstie Allsop has to say.. Just did, some of it wasn't too outlandish but it does go to show what a simplistic and rosy view of the world one can have when unencumbered by money worries, fertility worries and dp is all ready to have kids. The comment about they might eventually get married because it's the greatest tax dodge going and how boring family weddings were, er, maybe that's because you're boring, I'm sure your family really love you for that comment.

Good for you, Pip!

Barking thinking of you. It is really shit.

Rosie haven't been to GP yet, even. Feel it would be tempting fate. Bad cramping after work today but Dr Google says AF stylee cramping is normal till about 8 or 9 weeks, which was reassuring, and I also googled mc stats and the numbers were weirdly reassuring, because although it could definitely happen, chances are it won't. Not that that will be much consolation if it does

Bushy and Feather, how are you both feeling tonight?

chloe I get what you're saying but I don't actually find the 'managed to get pg' bit remotely reassuring. I got pg on my first round of clomid then mc at 7+ weeks. 5 subsequent rounds were all failures. I got pg on my first round of IUI but looks like that isn't sticking either. Getting pg doesn't necessarily get you a baby, and I'd rather not get pg at all than it work and then lose them. At least if this is a chemical pregnancy I don't have to go through the same mc experience as last time, and I'm not finding out at 12 weeks it's a mmc either, which would be a lot harder to deal with.

Finally think it's safe to go to bed . Quite glad I'm missing night 2 of this and going home with dh tomorrow!

ps I really don't know where Kirsty A gets off on all this bloody stupid advice. So would I have better staying with my abusive ex as I was 'too old' in my late twenties to hope to start again with someone else?! I didn't meet dh until I was 30. We started ttc when I was 32 so we didn't really hang around that long. I turn 35 next week . I wasn't expecting to be an instadiffa, but if I'd seen into the future at 32 I wonder if we'd have tried at all....

Hugs for all my Berries in need of one this evening.
batking (you're still a superhero) I hope you're ok tonight, wishing you weren't in this awful limbo and especially so far from home.
bushy balanced is fine but reassurance would obviously have been so much better to hear. Trouble is at this early stage the degree of variance for a 'normal' scan is so big they have to keep to a safe medium. Keeping everything crossed for next week for you.
feather and rp hope you're both feeling alright today?

Welcome back wildflower - holidays sounds amazing and let's hope you're set up for a post hycosy diff (I got a BFP 3 cycles after mine, it didn't stick but I think the jet wash helped).

Will catch up properly tomoz. Night night

Well, exhaustion has a lot going for it, slept through until the kids woke me up some point before 5.30am.
Very glad I decided to stay, it's been a good distraction. If it wasn't such a long drive I'd come back on Wednesday to keep me occupied while waiting for the results.

How are you feeling this morning Bushy?

Glad to hear you are ok batking.

Hope you are ok too bushy?

Morning everyone else

Morning all! Well, still here, still pg according to Morrisons finest basic test. No bleeding. We went to look around local nursery yesterday, v happy with it, but my god, it was so real. Actual small people chewing the carpet and smacking each other

Barking it is funny how different everyone's feelings are. For me, I never assumed I could get pg naturally as I knew from the first weeks we were together that DH had erectile issues, so I always thought it would be a struggle. Before we even started ttc we had 16-18 mos of fighting the GP to get him seen by an andrologist. The idea that I could get pg is just so surreal that even if this does work out, I will know we are capable of making a baby, which I thought for so long we weren't.

But then I can see how the upswing of hope and the thud afterwards is just so awful that it is better not to have even the good part. Is that what you mean?

Anyhow

Bushy, Feather.....?

*even if this does not

rp how many tests is that you have done? Are you trying out all brands ?

Yes rp that's exactly what I mean! If I got diffed naturally it might be reassuring, but my two bfps have both needed help, so in my head all it did was confirm that it's not likely to happen naturally, and my chances are running out. And losing two just means the next bfp (if I get one) will be even more stressful because I'm just going to expect it to all go wrong again. I was worried about mc last time as it had taken 18 months, but not like I was this time after 30 months, a past mc and IUI. I'd much rather just not get pg at all unless I get a bfp that results in a healthy baby.
Right, breakfast time.