The Berries: On knockerwatch, sniffing willies and clinging to the coat tails of the continued clusterdiff (thread 21)

[barkingtreefrog]

The smallprint –
Berries have a strict entrance criteria (TTC #1, over 30, TTC for 12+ months, NO instadiffers, must have a special pot and definitely no mention of baby dust or baby dancing).
Those not abiding by the rules may be escorted from the premises.

Barking I am so very sorry. I really thought this was it for you. Lots of love and hugs your way. We are here for you x

Shit. So sorry barking. This is so shit. I'm thinking of you and your DH.

I'm fucking angry. All the shit and uncertainty I went through with the IUI, all the stress of being pg after a mc, all the fuckups from the clinic putting me on the worst emotional rollercoaster ever. Everything I gave up, all the money spent on acupuncture. All the fitness lost while I did nothing but wrap myself in cotton wool for 5 weeks. Now all I want to do is get on my bike and ride, but I can't keep up with anyone I normally ride with, 5 weeks is a long time out while they've been upping their training. And now I'm in limbo again. I can't go away this weekend in case I start bleeding, not much fun when camping, need to be near a toilet and a microwave for the wheat bag. I can drink now, but I know I'll just sit in the pub and cry. And the latest round of instadiffers in our group of friends now are going to be even more painful. And the hen do full of pg women. Then the wedding full of pg bridesmaids.
And it seems bloody unfair that yet again I fall pg during a berry cluster diff, four happy scans and loads of great berry news followed again by bad news for me. I am genuinely pleased for you 4 and don't resent any of you even the tiniest little bit, I just wish I could have failed a second time on my own, instead of seeing the stark contrast again, does that make any sense?
DH keeps hugging me, telling me he loves me and he's sorry and we'll get through it somehow. I had to ask for some space. I just need to be on my own and cry.

barking what you're feeling is totally understandable! and I think it's important to vent rather than keep it in. Shout, scream, cry - all of it. You have had some awfully bad luck and what's happened is absolute rubbish. I am so sorry. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear right now, but your time WILL come. I felt just how you did after losing my Fallopian tube in 2007, and then again last November with the ectopic. I was furious and sad and pissed off at the world. It's just so bloody unfair and to top it off you spend your life walking on eggshells and 'being careful', all for a kick in the teeth. But again, you have to, HAVE TO know that your time will come. What you're going through is heartbreaking, and I know I don't know you in real life, but you are one of the strongest people I've ever met. You will get through this. I'm so gutted for you. I wish there was more I could say or do to help, but know that I/we are here for you. xx

barking I'm so so sorry, my blood ran cold when I read your news, this must be heartbreaking for you. Please don't have regrets about wrapping yourself in cotton wool for the last few weeks. You did the right thing: you should have peace of mind that you've done everything possible to give this one every chance. Look after yourself and we're all here for if if you want to talk.

I second what chloe said, barking. You mustn't blame yourself - it's not something that you can be held responsible for in any way. Are you taking time off? Need you go to this hen do/wedding?

No barking that makes sense and I am so very very sorry. This has brought tears to my eyes. It's so unfair and so shit.

Chloe and Feather are right: you were right to behave exactly as you did because now you cannot say to yourself oh if only I hadn't... whatever. And you will get past it.

But not yet, and right now, I'm just so sorry and thinking of you and your DH and what you have lost

Getting angry is good, cos it is utter utter shit and you have been royally screwed over, but don't get angry about the choices you made - as others have said you did everything right and for the right reasons.

I do also understand how you must be feeling about the cluster diff, and I know the diffed Berries will too. It's just so unfair.

When the time is right, take that anger and channel it into teaching the universe that you will not be defeated. I know you can do it, when you're ready.

Thanks berries, you're the best. I haven't decided about work yet, not in school until Monday so delaying that decision.
I'm desperately hoping that if I do start bleeding it's not going to be as bad as last time. I want to get out and start doing everything I haven't done, starting with circuit training tomorrow! Last time was very painful and seemed to go on forever. Hen do isn't until august but I've paid £200 for it which I won't get back! Wedding is October but got another wedding next month which will be bumps and babies galore. Might skip that one, I was only going to the evening do anyway as it's a Friday and I couldn't take the day off work.
One thing I am very glad of is that I avoided working out the due date. so it will just be the whole of February that is shit instead of the one day

Oh barking I'm so sorry. Sending hugs and healing thoughts your way

Barking you're so brave. Shedding a tear for you here. You will have angry, hate the world days and days where you will want to just sit and sob. Ditto what the others said about how with sitting some things out you can have no regrets or what ifs. I'm so sorry.

I had medical management in December so feel free to ask anything you need to.

Oh that's horrible. I'm so,so,so, very sorry that this has happened to you barking. It's just not fair. In fact it makes me want to swear on your behalf.

Have a cry and a shout and a rant and anything that might help you bear it just for now. It's good that you are angry, it shows there is some bit of you which is determined to fight back despite all the shit.

I know there is nothing anyone can say which can really help you. Be a friend to yourself and look after yourself in whatever way feels right. We are here for you too.

It just flipping well sucks. Boo! Thumbs down to the universe on that one.

Barking just read your news. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is utter shit. Big hugs to you x

barking my love I am so, so sorry that you are going through this again. It's completely unfair and you have every right to be sad and angry and frustrated and all of the other emotions that come with this shitty, shitty situation.

I know that anything we say won't help all that much but we're here for you. Your and my stories are so similar and I wish and hope with everything that you get a happy ending to all of this crap. You're amazing and strong and you will get there xx

barking I don't think there is anything else I can say that these amazing ladies haven't already said but I'll be thinking of you.. I believe we'll all get our happy endings, we have to, even if the journey is so so tough.

I really do think you're all amazing. What a lovely supportive bunch the berries are.

Oh barking have only just caught up, what shit news, read your post and just thought oh no. There's not much I can say that the other ladies haven't said but yes I know what you mean and not offended at all, really hoped you would be part of it and am gutted for you. feather was so lovely with her words. I am also with everyone else in that it wasn't wasted time to have 'sat out' of activities, at least you know it wasn't any of those things that stopped it.

Hear hear tiger, tear in my eye typing x

Oh barking I am so sorry to read your news! I am heartbroken for you! life is so unfair. Anger and tears and normal, we are all here for you x

Utter bollocks. This is just so ridiculously unfair for you, Barking.

Hey, boodle, good to see you. I only stuck around on mn way back when because I found you with the same short LP who'd been trying the same amount of time, I actually felt bad when I got my bfp last time because we were both on the first round of clomid together and I wanted you to come with me! I figure it's not worked out for me his time because we're supposed to get out of this TTC hellhole together. You need to call your clinic and set up your next IVF for September, I'll do another round of IUI and we'll bust out of this joint together? And you can make sure I don't get recaptured next time. otters, you fancy joining us?

barking this is so shit - I'm so, so sorry for your news. You've been such a mainstay of this group, and have helped me more times than I can count. I hope you can lean on this group for support again. You've every right to be angry - this sucks and is so unfair. I hope things are a little easier this time than last, though. Sending hugs

Hell yeah batking, let's blow this joint!

barking I just wanted to show my face and let you know I'm think of you at this super super shit time!!!

You were a huge help to me when I was here and I really hoped this was your time. Shout, swear, stamp your feet, cry, do whatever you need to! I always find that a body combat class helps me get rid of some anger/agression when I need to. Anyway just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you!!

Heartbreaking Barking. It seems so unfair that you have to go through this all again especially after being given false hope. Look after yourselves. Sending virtual hugs. X

Oh barking I'm so sad for you. This really is shit. Wish I could say something to make things better for you. Know you have 2 more iuis but you take them ready. Thinking of you xxx