Karma's a load of old shite! The BESH have gone through a fair old heap of bollocks lately so it's time we had some good news!

[Fabuluce]

In order to join the BESH you MUST be over 30 and TTC for baybee no. 1 for over a year, be ok with swearing, shout CUNT at the world on a daily basis and howling at the moon should be a regular occurrence. BESHtionnaires must be submitted - no admittance allowed without it (we just want to snigger at your lesbian crush - it's true).

Revised BESHtionnare for reference

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.

6. Number of pets?

7. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

8. Lesbian crush?

9. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
   a) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
   b) Over 100 quid
   c) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

10. Which of these sentences is appalling:
    a) Off to see the consultant today!!! So excited!!!!!
    b) Gud luck hun sprinkling babydust for ya lol xxx
    c) both of the above

11. How barren are you?
    a) childless and TTC for at least one year
    b) one child and TTC #2 for at least two years
    c) I've been trying for 2 cycles and the wait is driving me mad!

If (c) then the BESH is not the thread for you.

Thank you ladies. I have a scan pic which is just a splodge. But the lovely Dr said to go back in 2 weeks and he'll do another scan for free (wowzers) and we should be able to see more at the 8-9 week point. 2 for the price of one isn't bad at all!

Bugs yes, you should be feeling v smug and proud of yourself...that book is clearly what did it! Who wants it next?! (I only got to chapter 6).

Euro I really do feel like I ought to exercise....but gently. Think will get on the exercise bike and do a few squats and lunges. I'm sure my personal trainer friend would be able to advise me on what's safe at this stage but obviously don't want to share the news yet. Parents first....and probably not until after the next scan as I'll feel better if when I get to 9 weeks. Will be so nice to give my mum a break from her novena to Saint Gerard. (My mum's a very devout lady).

Frankel have had a sneaky lurk on the PESH fred...might pop over for a sheepish hello and then dash back over here with my nipple tassels

Having a new front door put in today. It's bloody noisy!!

bugs I've really taken your advice to heart. In bed last night, with socks on, under the duvet and a blanket, my feet still felt a little cold. I got out of bed at gone midnight to go and find some thick walking socks to put on just in case I wasn't keeping them warm enough!!

Hi everyone,
Can I join in please please please?

Do I get automatic acceptance for partly being royally pissed off whenever my period arrives about the gin I haven't been able to drink while waiting waiting waiting to see if we have a hit this month? I miss gin (and red wine)

Other criteria? Am 35, Mr Blue is 50 (although in years only, he's the cool one - I'm often a miserable old woman) been ttc for nearly 2 years (period was 3 days late this month, little fucker, but it arrived this morning) oh course the period also arrived on my close friends due date and to a morning facebook post of another pregnant friend. This makes
me want to swear a whole lot and I'd really appreciate this as a place to do it.

Honestly, how the hell is baby making so hard and why the frig did I spend all of my life trying so hard not to make
One when it would appear it's bloody impossible to do so anyway!!!

Xxx

Fresh meat!!!! Hello Blue - you sound like a good fit but may I turn your attention to the BESHtionnaire at the top of the page - this must be filled in and shared so we can all nod approval (and snigger at your lezzer crush obvs).

Dutifully noted :-)

1. love gin enough to have several varieties and for it be the thing Mr Blue brings home if I'm sad
2. gold digger (mainly money for gin obviously)
3. can we call foofoo by the crudest name possible? I'm a fan of fadge
4. I'm gonna go with a, although I mostly have no clue about all of this stuff - I've been "coping my myself" for the last 2 years. But a chance to do some crazy hormonal punching is always welcome and it's definitely not B. other stuff? No pets, weird crushes? Years ago I once had a thing for Michael Jackson, is that weird enough!?my crushes are always weird, at college I had a crush on the teacher with several fingers missing. As for girls, I have giant melon boobies so if we girl on girling it then I'll need a small boobed girl otherwise we would get no where near each other (Paris Hilton??)
5. I am furious about the amount of money I spend on something I have to piss on. Some friends have taken pity and given me theirs when they've gotten pregnant. I may start asking random pregnant women in the street for leftovers soon. Ooh or maybe I could start a fetish website and have others pay for the sticks in order to watch me piss on something??
6. both p
7. almost 2 years ttc for our first. (with some time off as Mr Blue was working away) I've been checked out by a private clinic but Mr Blue has pot anxiety so we haven't checked him yet but guess we will have to soon.

Every single bloody female who passes my way gets pregnant on the first attempt. All of the fuckers!

Am I in?

Oooo, fresh meat. I will leave the decision making to the current BESH, but I reckon you'll pass.

BTW, if you are close to the hospital, he might be able to jizz in a pot at home and then run it over there. KFZK was able to do that with his first sample, which helped a bit.

fankle that's brilliant about the scan and the offered rescan. What a lovely dr. BTW, I think squats and lunges are usually not advised as you might do yourself an injury due to looser ligaments. If you confide in your PT, he/she should be able to advise. I went swimming again last night and I'm loving being a bit more active.

I say welcome in Blue, pull up a twat cushion and settle down What do the other BESH reckon? We are a democratic fred after all!

I've always been a fan of the lady garden myself but we tend to generally refer to it as the minge or the punani in the Fab household.

Wow you do have interesting crushes! I wonder if MJ can count as both as he was so sexless?

Just for recaps sake I'm fab, 41, husband is TWH 36, TTC since nov 2010. Unexplained infertility and because of advancing age we skipped lots of tests and went straight to ivf in 2013. Ivf no 1 in jan - BFP then mmc. Ivf no 2 in July. Bfn. Ivf no 3 due in nov but cancelled due to my dad dying. Postponed until after house move then until TWH has a new contract and now potentially postponed until I've had a laporoscopy - just waiting for a doc appointment to confirm the search for endometriosis. Diagnosed with auto-immune ishoos in oct 2013 so next and last ivf will be the all singing all dancing one with every drug under the sun to fool my errant womble into believing our lovely embies are meant to be there and not de devil's work.

I'm off to the London dungeon today with TWH and our 13 year nephew which should be good fun. Do you think the scary things will force the droid though?? Am due on today

Arse, there's always something I forget to post when I'm on my phone! Blue, men are definitely, in general, absolutely crap at getting their spaff tested. TWH is generally an enlightened type but I had to beg, cajole, nag, coerce and rant at him before he would get his done. It's all to do with the Manliness. If their spaff doesn't work properly they fear they will no longer be a true man. Of course don't you worry about us taking the burden of it all or being less womanly when our eggs, fallopians or womble don't work properly!!! But remember subfertility is actually a 50/50 male/female problem. Sometimes women spend years doing all the tests and the man hasn't been checked at all only to find that his swimmers aren't going in the right direction so it's important he does his job too and that it is really just a jizz in a pot

Minge is also a very good word, I like words that make Mr Blue shocked when I say them, he's probably too used to fadge (and more recently has been saying it too) so I may need to switch it up a bit.

Thanks so much, I'm gonna do the arm punch thing but actually, just for a moment, real genuine thanks. I've done this alone because I couldn't stand the baby dust posts - I thought that was all there was so thanks again, I think ill get through this a whole lot easier with you all along side.

Fingers crossed the dungeon does what it needs too, maybe aim your fadge at anything you think it would benefit from seeing :-)

And thanks for the jizz advice, it's mostly my fault because I don't push hard enough (he says he doesn't want to and I say he doesn't have to them, not the best way to get it sorted!) we are considering the at home version from
Boots though, anyone used them?

Also, fankle - good news! I read through a lot of the posts before I asked to tag along and followed your posts through enough for an out loud "yay!" at the most recent posts.

Finally, in my defence MJ didn't look quite so much like Diana Ross when I had my crush!

Hello Blue. No baby dust round here. I and DCW have been ttc since dec11/jan12. Clomid bfp last aug, mc sept. Just had my first round of IUI, 5 days into my 2ww....

I've had numerous blood tests, loads of dildocams, I was allergic to the dye they used for the hsg and ended up admitted to hospital on morphine, and I've been off alcohol, wheat free, weekly acupucture etc.... If DCW had even squeaked when it came to his jizz test I would have been raging!!! That's all he had to do!!!

I went swimming this morning and now I want to go back to bed. Not been in aaaages and forgotten how tiring it can be!

Hello hags!

Last week of term has been crazy at school, but now half-term is here so I can catch up with what's been going on.

Fankle - glad the scan went well; I'm so chuffed for you! Doc sounds really lovely to offer a free scan as well.

Welcome Blue. I'm fairly new around here as well, but I feel like I've found a new home here. I also found it difficult to tackle the 'jizz in a pot' issue with Mr Chops - it's difficult to get the tone right so they don't feel so pressured it becomes impossible, but also enough that it gets the job done. So to speak. Luckily for us the results weren't too bad - he just needs to take omega 3 supplements to help with morphology.

How's everyone doing? Fun things planned for bank holiday/ half-term?

I'm on 7 dpo and well into the usual pattern of TWW madness. Had acupuncture earlier in the week and had a strange and embarrassing experience of crying uncontrollably - I just couldn't stop! He said that the emotional release is a good thing though and to carry on. Awkward! I'm planning to keep busy for the next week to take my mind off the TWW. Maybe I can start learning a new language or something. Any suggestions?

Bollocks to Babydust!!

Good for you on the swim Barking tiring exercise is very good for your mood.

Welcome Blue and thank you for the big YAY! I found out on the last bank hol weekend when we were away walking and cycling in the Peak District. Was convinced I wasn't as had only manage to shag twice during the fertile week as MG had to go away for work. Plus we had had 27 unsuccessful attempts, including several on clomid (who's counting though?). We are both 35 and been trying since sept 2011. Diffed by the November but mmc in jan 2012. Ttc ever since and lots of tests which revealed naff all (MG was quite happy to spaff in a pot on not one but two occasions). Finally had a laparoscopy in jan this year and they found I had mild endometriosis. Not sure if that was the magic bullet or if it was the fourth round of clomid...but we had just had our first appointment to discuss iui and are feeling pretty damn lucky right now to be 7 weeks diffed. The timing is pretty weird but I am not complaining.

So you fancied wacko jacko?! . Laughing at the Diana Ross comparison!

Bluegh to baby dust and all variations of the word Hon.

Well the droid visited me like clockwork this morning minutes after posting of course. Bastard. Had a great time at the Dungeons though and lunch at Ping Pong was fun especially with my nephew using chopsticks for the first time and refusing to admit he'd never used them before! Sat on one of those sharing table things though and as we were sitting there a couple and another guy sat of the other side of our table...woman instantly says hey we have news, I'm pregnant...with twins...14 weeks.....!!! Fuuuuuuck oooooooff!!! Is there nowhere to avoid it?? To be fair she looked significantly older than me (smug) so they could well be ivfers too but still! Sigh.

Blue, just the thought of babydust makes me bring up a bit of sick in my mouth. It's all kinds of wrong.

How are my favourite hags? I'm back after a week of total reeeelaaaaxxxaaaaashun in the sun (sadly with fuck all shagging due to the poetically timed arrival of the bloody arse fuck wanking droid), so lots of catching up to do!

fank brilliant brilliant news on your scan - you stay put here as long as you need. The twat cushion is always at your disposal.

blue welcome aboard. I am amazed by your weird crush, which MJ era was this?
I'm rain, 32, married to RAF (real ale farts fanatic) also 32, ttc since march 2012, unexplained infertility. BFP Sep '13, MMC Nov '13, nothing happening since then

fab well done on surviving a day at the dungeons! must've been totally manic.

bugs time is seriously flying - 19 weeks!! Can't even fathom the idea of buying nappies for a baybee from my own loins, must be a right head fuck!

barking I've said it elsewhere but am stoked for you and your soon to be IUI BFP!

Right, these suitcases aren't going to unpack themselves, I better get off my tubby arse and sort them out.

Alrightee hags, nice to see some fresh meat landed. Doffs cap at Blue. You're totally in as long as we can have a frank discussion around the origins of the word gotten and whether it deserves a place in the English language. Welcome to the only sane place on the tinterweb for anything to do with conception.

Whoop Fankle you is bloody diffed! Hang out the fucking cunt bunting and whip out the nipple tassels. Chuffed to bits for you. you next?!

I'm Cherry, 34, certified barren due to POF (prem ovarian failure). Waiting to be matched for DEIVF, married to ROCH (Rock of Coconut Household).

I'm not around much at the moment due to mental work pressures and other wobbles but cheering on from the sidelines.

fab nowhere. There is no escape.

rain all unpacked?

cherry I can only hear the word gotten with an American drawl so I'd have to say no. Unless it's 'ill-gotten'.

fankle hun/hon makes me wretch too. My SiL uses it, which only reinforces my hatred of the word.

cunty have you decided on your new skill? I tried to finish a pair of gloves I started knitting for myself during winter but then had to put aside for other projects, but I made a mistake as to which line I was on and ended up ripping out everything I'd done!

Everyone having a good rainy bank holiday?
I went to visit baby of DCW's best mate yesterday, the one born shortly before my edd, whose bump I went to great lengths to avoid. I gave them a teddy that had taken me about 3 or 4 weeks of my spare time to knit and she barely gave it a glance (the mother). They asked about the IUI then when baby started crying she laughed and said 'don't do it, you don't want one.' What I wanted to say but managed not to was that she could always give her baby up for adoption if she didn't want it. And that we'd been trying 2.5 years and gone through all sorts of shit while it only took them 2 months, so maybe we did actually want one. When I talked about the injections he said 'that'll be nothing compared to labour.' Yes, but try the trauma of a miscarriage and not getting as far as labour you insensitive prick. .

I thought I'd got that out of my system yesterday. It seems not!!!

Today I'm meeting up with a couple of school friends I haven't seen in ages. Five kids between them. I'm expecting questions but one of them is another who's good at insensitive responses so although I'm usually uncomfortably honest (usually because it's fun to see people squirm and hopefully they'll think twice before asking someone else such a personal question) I'll play it by ear!

fab that's weird! I love Ping Pong but if it is becoming the home of smug differs I might have to change my mind!

rain the holiday sounds fab. We are off to the IL's place in France for a few days soon and I cannot wait! I think it'll be our last trip before centime's arrival.

What shitty insensitive self-involved people frog. Grrr. May their baby be a non-sleeping one who likes chewing nipples.

blue like bugs I'm a PESH (currently a 26 weeker - blimey) who can't quite step away from this fred and the lovely people on it. I'm 38 (eek), married to KFZK (38), ttc for 3 years almost to the day before getting my BFP from IVF round 4 having been told at transfer day that we make crap embryos and to think about donor eggs. We were unexplained. I hated every minute of IVF but somehow got through it.

Thanks for the welcome everyone. Wow, lots of stuff happening on the more recent posts - am torn between cheers of yay for all updiff (will take me a while to get used to all the terms) and mad fury for all the wankcheeses out there (so insensitive! I personally would have stolen their baby seeing as they don't seem that fussed anyway)

Being sappy may possible be against the rules but I'm new so go gentle on me - you lot are bloody amazing. This would generally go against everything I am but I feel the need to fist bump the lot of you (fist BUMP! Notce that last word, without it I may frighten everyone away!)

I'm currently away on my hols (which is nice but there are a lot of cute kids which other family members coo at making me feel like a demon bitch from hell for not having sprogged up by now - I think people assume I'm too "career minded" and have just not tried - of course I also realise this is also probably just in my ttc fucked up baby infested brain) so will post whenever am in range of wifi

As for MJ - erm, probably just before the heal the world time? And I was pretty young but like I said, all
My crushes are weird - I had a lifelong crush on Dudley
Moore so even my ongoing crushes are weird

Ha ha! There was me thinking yesterday's insensitive friend topped the bill for shitty comments. Met up with a couple of friends from school today, we haven't met up as a three for years. They have 3 kids and 2 kids each. Miss 3 kids asks miss 2 kids if she's going to have another.
'God no, can you imagine having a 5 year old when you were 42?' She practically shuddered at the idea while I fumed, because I'm only a year off that being me. Then it inevitably turned to me. So, are you planning any?
I decided to try and hit wth the blunt and honest answer, hoping for a mumbling 'sorry' and a change of conversation, so I just said in as dismissive tone as I could manage 'it helps if you're fertile.' Miss 3 kids laughed, yes actually laughed out loud, and said 'just the dog for you then'. . Then she laughed again 'or you could always adopt a hoard like your parents did.'
Fucking hell.

Barking - Ja, Ich versuche Deutsch zu lernen.

Blue - Was there ever a stage in his life when MJ wasn't creepy? I mean, after the Jackson Five? I can hardly talk though; my list of inappropriate crushes is massive!

8 dpo and having some mild cramping, which isn't unusual. Nor is it unusual for me to get all excited and hopeful about it. Should have learned by now! I have really sore boobs which I get every month, but the only thing different when I had the CP was painful nips as well.

I'm going to stay with my parents for a week, which means I'll be trying to do covert POAS and not menkul while I'm there. Sods law the metal fucker arrives and turns me into a mental fucker, just for added awkwardness and shenanigans!

Barking - What insensitive fuckers!! That has to be the cuntiest thing to say ever, and I'm outraged on your behalf. I hope you delivered them each a swift kick in the snatch! If not, picture doing it now...

Barking at your "friend". I'm sorry but us be tempted to ditch her for good after that remark, and tell her exactly why. Insensitive beatch.

I'm Frankel, I don't post here much but do lurk. I'm officially a CRESH, DD is 11 weeks old tomorrow. We TTC'd for 3 years, I was diagnosed with PCOS, 5 failed rounds of Clomid then finally got upduffed on Cycle 3 of Ovulation Induction.