TTC 10+++ months part 18

[Mrsden]

This is the BFP thread.

Not scary, just icky. Surely someone could have put it in pill form by now?

I could post you an internet cheapie?

So it's either as a cream, injection or a fanjo bullet?

lol at posting the cheapie, I'm too far gone with the menkalling now and reached the point of crushing weepy disappointment. My belly is like a furnace, which is new, maybe it's menopausal.

How are you feeling today? When is OTD?

joy hope today brings you good news on the NHS round

mrs sorry you're not feeling the Xmas spirit but hopefully a decent mincepie will have gone some way to fixing that. I'd love to have some snow like sweet Very jealous!

Joy - just wanted to say im sorry about the dragged out nhs referral. im sure you feel simply drained and fed up. This is such a tiring journey and I am sorry that things continue to drag on. I have to say that I agree with cos that multiple egg production does not indicate peri menopause - its too much of a contradiction. And one opinion of one dr - well we all know that off the cuff comments should never be taken as gospel truth in this game. Remember the facts, you can get pregnant and can get to a fairly established stage of pregnancy. It's just bad luck that last time their was an unfortunate genetic issue which could happen to any one in a random way. Joy if you can muster the energy keep searching for the answer, certainly dont ever feel it is an impossibility. Dont worry about Christmas cheer, take the opportunity to rest and eat nice things and to hell with everything else.

Am thinking of the early pregnancy ladies and continue to send positive and squeezy hand holdy vibes.

Someone asked recently if I had been getting any braxton hicks. To be honest i started getting them at around 17 weeks but they have become slightly more frequent and tight recently. I have very very subtle pre labour signs which means very little in how close I am to birth. Tomorrow is my due date.

I am thinking of everyone here and apologise for not being up to date with everyone's current situation. I know how hard and soul destroying this process is. What I do think is that this part is hidious but worthwhile and often necessary as mostly people will reach their goal. But if the goal/journey changes at a later stage then that was meant to be and wont feel like a burden. So don't worry about the future. Whilst ever there is the need and the urge to ttc then that is the right thing to do. Hope that makes sense. I guess what im trying to say is you are all wonderful and strong and without doubt doing the right thing. Keep going lovely ladies.

Morning lovelies!

Still holding any spare parts of your body tightly squeezed until the bloods euro. Menkulling over symptoms is understandable but pointless. My main symptom at your stage, if I recall correctly, was the absence of AF, followed by exhaustion, peeing lots (and bleeding) from week 5.5. My sister drove me mad by inquiring after my sickness, which has never materialised. So, there is very little you can make of it at this point. Sit tight and I am willing your embie on, and hoping for a nice level of hcg tomorrow. Holding out a hand for menkulling free as well!

How are you doing cos? I am thinking of you, 2013 has been a particularly shitty year for you, even if there are some hints that some things might be solved.

How are foxy and nelly? Thinking of you when talking about shitfest years.

Poutster are you still with us? How is the house? Decked out in crafty prettyness? Are you still happy?

Sorry you've been feeling so rough, and worried about money, mrS job as well as waiting for AF, sea. Thankfully, it's here always a little late when DRing, I gathered when I did it. Are you starting stimming now? I am keeping everything crossed for a good successful round.

Sorry, you had such a shitty-GP referral and subsequent appointment joy. I agree with the others that you don't sound perimenopausal at all with That Number of Eggs. Although I do wonder whether their quality would have been better had you had a few less of them... I'm keeping everything crossed you are entitled to another round and will be able to do it soon-ish in the new year.

Sorry about the lack of festive cheer mrsd. I still have not had any Christmas sweets, we have no tree etc, but that is because I am too knackered. I was going to work until Christmas to maximise leave next year, but I decided that I need a break. When are you off home? I am jealous of snow too!

I think sar as always writes wise words about the journey. Too much panic about the future is never helpful, but so difficult to stop. SB and I have done well in doing fun things, amazing travel etc these three years. But I still resent the time in limbo and the fact that long-term TTC does have an impact on how you experience pregnancy, still worried, even though normals wouldn't be. So although it's worth it, the time, the money, the heart ache, it still feels desperately unfair we have to go through this to try to get what comes easily to others. I do think all the ladies on this thread deserved their babies years ago, and most will get there. But other futures are as valid and as good, once you're ready for them. We've been chatting about still fostering and/or adopting once the little person is with us. We got very interested and excited about that last summer (when struggling through IVF1)... Anyway, I am waffling from the lucky perspective, so I'll be quiet. I know how hard it is and am thinking of you all over this festive difficult period.

Euro, Free and Coco hope you're all coping with the menkulling ok. Euro good luck for the blood test tomorrow, fingers crossed for a good strong hcg. Have you tested again today or have you managed to hold out for tomorrow?

Lemons and Sar nice to see you as always.

i'm just.....uuuuuurrrrrggggghhhh. If that makes sense? Having a jogging bottoms and hot water bottle day whilst working from home so I'm around for chatting (or moaning) today. Is this year over yet?

Joy i did read yesterday on t'internet (really should stop doing that) about baby aspirin and that it can help increase blood flow and have a positive effect on eggs and lining and stuff. I had forgotten the reason for people taking aspirin i thought it was about anti-clotting. How are you today after your appointment?

how's everyone else?

oh dear, strike through fails

I've been thinking about you cos, did af turn up? A jogging bottoms day is a good plan, I'm counting down the hours left at work.

Nice to hear from you lemons and sar. What you say makes total sense but I'm not at the point where I can see any of this stuff as positive or an alternative life without children as something I want. I'm not sure I'll ever be totally ok with it, but I'll come to accept it. I remember reading a very honest account of someone who was unable to have children, she was in her eighties when writing and said it was a sadness that had lessened but had never gone away. I wish I could remember where I'd read it.

Coco, the progesterone was the worst part of Ivf for me drugs wise because I hated having to insert them because I felt like Id been messed about enough with down there. High doses of progesterone leave me anxious too.

Is there any news from gin?

Hi Mrsd, how are you doing? the christmassy things you've been doing (pictures on the other place) look so idyllic. When you say you don't think you've ever got to implantation stage, a lot of people don't feel a thing do they, i hope you're close and you just need that right embie / conditions. It must be a bit frustrating not being able to see how they develop. I'm quite surprised by the laws there, given they're a bit lax on other things (ok so i'm specifically thinking about what a friend told me about legalised brothels, i'm not that sure about other things over there!). Have you had a review yet? what's the next plan, fet? Will you do a natural or medicated round?

Yes af turned up with a vengeance have actually had the most pains and heavy bleeding i can remember (seemed worse than mc even). And yes the progesterone, completely agree its made me feel quite anxious and a bit odd (moody) which i wasn't expecting.

coco I've only ever heard of the injections and/or fanny bullets used with IVF. I don't think the cream is strong enough. I think joy tried it alongside natural cycles though, and felt that it helped to regulate things.

cos a jogging bottoms day sounds brilliant. Sorry about the vile period.

I did test again this morning (internet cheapies just sitting there make it so tempting...) and the line is fainter than yesterday, so I fear this might not be a sticky one. We will see what the blood test brings tomorrow. The insomnia was back last night, but the other symptoms have definitely faded since the weekend, when I definitely felt "different".

mrsd I occasionally lurk on the IVF worriers/warriors thread and I would suggest you take a look (if you can bear to)....

sar due date tomorrow - hurrah! Do you feel ready? Do you just want sarlatte out now?

Bugger - first tiny bit of spotting.

So sorry euro.

Mrsd I cannot see any of it as positive and I resent the time and energy wasted on it all. So don't get me wrong. I mainly see it as bloody unfair. And I am convinced we'll all get to the other side one way or another. I think infertility sadness does stay with you, but perhaps at some point it will stop tainting bloody everything.

Oh no euro, surely not again, keep going euro bean. Are you ok?

Oh euro no..

Euro really hoping that tomorrows test is a good out come for you and that this might be just normal spotting. I hope you are ok, this is truly shit.

I have no symptoms and an arctic stick this morning When I cracked and tested, OTD isn't until Friday but this doesn't feel hopeful for me. Nothing made the freezer so I am a bit sad, but trying to distract myself with Christmas shopping and the dog who as a consequence is getting walked a LOT. Doesn't help that I heard some of my friends having a conversation about how they thought I was pregnant at the weekend as I wasn't drinking, sigh.

Sorry for entirely selfish post and crap catch up I am in a bit of a hole, I hope this is hormone induced I don't want to actually feel like this for an extended period of time, urgh.

Oh no, ten. I'm sorry.

cos I'm doing ok. I kind of expected it after what was said about our embies on transfer day and what happened before.

I think tomorrow's test will still be positive, so I'm going to see if they will do another one for me on Saturday so I can see if the levels are going up or down.

That sounds like a good plan euro, glad you're doing ok.

euro I don't know what to say other than I hope that the bean is sticky and this is a bit of bedding in spotting. You will definitely be on my mind today.

ten I'm sorry about the arctic stick. That is shite and so sad. That said, OTD is still a good few days off and I hope that maybe testing today was still too early for you

joy I am cross on your behalf that you are in limbo about the funding. Just what you didn't need to hear. I so hope that you will get a funded round. What a shitty run up to Christmas having this hanging over your head

coco FX tightly crossed for you my dear!

cos I've been thinking of you loads. I hope that your cramps pass soon. Have you tried soluble Solpadeine?

sea I was sorry to read that you are feeling low and having non TTC worries too. Hopefully once you start with the stimming you will feel a bit hormonally happier!

sarlat Squeeeeeeee at you having a baybeee before Christmas

lemons What a nice post from you Sorry that you are so tired. Sending you some festive va va voom!

mrsd I would like to read the article you mention. I must admit that is something I think about lots, how will I feel in my old age about being childless. I fear the future a lot but then tell myself that one in three people get cancer so I may well not make it to old age anyway, happy soul that I am!

Sorry for rubbish catch up. I've had some kind of upset stomach virus and still don't feel 100%. I also managed to practically hack off my finger with a tin can so am feeling very sorry for myself and worried that I won't be able to finish making my Christmas pressies I keep bleeding all over everything which won't be a good look for cushions! Love to all!

Oh Euro ....I can only hope that you will get more positive news tomorrow. There are just no words that I can say to help really. It’s a bugger of a lonely journey, with much worrying, much confusion and much sadness. I hope we can help you through it.

And Ten...I hope very very much that this is just too early to test. It’s awful not having frosties as a back up and I totally sympathise. I hope Friday brings better news, I really do.

Sar – amazing that you are just about there. It’s going to be a wonderful xmas. Your post is lovely and I really hope you will continue to post after mini Sar arrives although I understand if you would just be glad never to hear or talk about fertility woes ever again!

Lemon – i think it’s wonderful that you are still thinking about adoption/fostering. Actually I said yesterday to this doctor that I think I should have had less eggs because I reckon the drugs compromised quality. He disagreed with me on that front. Funny because my clinic said the opposite. Sigh. No one knows.

Cos – i was on baby aspirin. I think they just put everyone on it at the Argy as a matter of cause. Since then I have read that it can have a detrimental effect on those people who don’t need to take it. Again, where does the truth lie? Looking forward to kissing the year goodbye as well...although I fear 2014 could be going from the frying pan in to the fire!

Coco – i wonder what is going on. I hope it’s good news. The progesterone cream I would say is not strong enough. Currently I’m using Kokuro, a natural progesterone cream and it’s a balancing cream to help stabalise the estrogen / progesterone levels. I started it too late this month but it should solve my sore boob problem. It wouldn’t be strong enough to use with ivf. The issue I have with the progesterone injections are that they are synthetic rather than natural like the pessaries. Not keen on the size of the needle either and they gave me very painful lumps . However, I felt very secure that it would hold my pregnancy if my natural levels started to drop.

Mrsd – I have read quite a few interviews with people who are much older and couldn’t have kids. There are a number of well known people out there like Angela Rippon, Delia Smith, Bonnie Tyler, Marian Keyes who have been interviewed about it and I find it interesting how they dealt with it. There was also Maeve Binchy and I think there was an article about how she dealt with it. The likes of Honor Blackman, Jane Torvill and Jilly Cooper went on to adopt and I read an article this year that said that people who adopted because of infertility were much more likely to be happier than those who didn’t adopt. But of course it’s not for everyone. But you don’t tend to hear about well known Brits of our generation adopting these days, perhaps because IVF helps many people out. Adoption seems to be a rare thing here whereas in America it seems a very normal and natural thing to do.

Pout – you sound as chirpy as me. In fact, i think the run up to xmas is having a bleugh affect on many of us here. I often say to myself that one day i’ll be dead so why do i get myself in to such a frenzy over this one thing. You really can’t get more chirpy than that!

Sorry for being such a misery guts yesterday. I had got myself in to a panic a day earlier because of the sore boobs thing and then Yesterday I just felt despair and anxiety especially after hearing about the long wait for ivf . And I still don’t know whether I’m going to get a nhs round anyway. I hope the doctor fights my cause. What I forgot to mention also was that my friend’s husband works in fertility there. One of the first things I saw was the rota and I saw his name on there – thankfully he wasn’t in yesterday. There is no doubt about it that I’m going to bump in to him as he is heavily involved in fertility and ivf. I would never ever want him to see me naked. I would be mortified and I wouldn’t put it past him to have a peak when I’m sedated. He is very good looking, younger than me and I have had many a drunken wedding with him and cannot get my head around the fact he is a gynae and allowed to look at women’s privates. I only see him when he is behaving like an immature bloke.. I cannot tell you how mortified I will be when I bump in to him. They don’t know about our problems. I’m wondering whether to email his wife or him just to warn him.

oh no i'm turning into a bitter old hag. there's a new thread about folic acid and the person said they can never remember to take vitamins. nearly posted that i wouldn't bother with ivf then. eek

joy if you tell the clinic, surely they can make sure that you are kept away from him? I find it bad enough my husband seeing me in those positions. Someone I know socially would be completely mortifying.

That's interesting that there are so many celebreties who couldn't have children. I'd never really thought about it. I can only think of one example in real life (mr euro's aunt and uncle - apparently she had several mcs). Everyone else I know managed it.

I do find my thoughts turning increasingly towards adoption, but I am very turned off by the idea of having social workers poking their noses into our life. And I think that many of the children put up for adoption here are challenging - disabilities, foetal alcohol syndrome, etc. It would take a very special person to parent them and I am not sure I am that person. Obviously there is always a risk that a biological child would have problems, but I somehow feel this would be easier as it is a fait accompli. Actively choosing life e.g. as a carer to a disabled child, is a different matter. I wish I was able to say that I know I could do it, but I'm not.

poutster! it's lovely to hear from you. Sorry you have been poorly.

cos I know, I know.

This is my favourite lady without children - i love her - but think it was a choice thing according to the fail rather than not being able to

www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2361474/Dame-Helen-Mirren-67-wears-stripper-heels-panache-Red-2-premiere.html

Joy you're not a misery guts at all, and how unbelievably awkward. I agree with euro could you ask the clinic to make sure you're kept away from him?

joy Oh cripes at your friend's husband working at the hospital. What a nightmare. I must admit to feeling a bit when you mentioned that he is really "laddish" outside of work & you would worry about him having a peek at your bits. I guess I always kind of assumed that male gynaes really don't care about vaginas and don't see them in a sexual way. That said when we had the last ET MrP was a bit perplexed at the lab technician man standing at the glory hole end.

I had no idea so many of the ladies you mention had infertility issues. Delia Smith surprised me. I guess I just imagined that because she is the original domestic goddess that of course she would have a gaggle of kids and grandchildren round her dinner table eating her lovely food. Just goes to show.

I feel exactly the same as you euro about adoption. It isn't for me (I wish it was but the thought leaves me cold). I hate the notion that infertile couples automatically adopt. In my mind my infertility does not qualify me to be a good potential adoptive parent at all.

cos at your impulses! I still regularly take my folic acid and often wonder how much longer will I bother with it I admit to getting the odd urge to drop kick it up the garden

I lied to the doc yesterday when he asked whether I was taking the folic. I've been off it for 3 months. I must start again actually.

Pout - medics in their 20s and often 30s tend to be quite loutish . Or perhaps that is just my BiL and his friends.. This guy is nice and good fun but he's a proper lad and a ladies man. He tries every drug out there and gets properly wasted and before I had fertility problems, my friends would discuss how weird it was that he is a lady doc.
Yes Delia couldn't have kids and I'm sure I read an interview with her ages ago and I thought she sounded quite bitter about it. I don't want to be like that but I fear I would be.

Euro - totally agree, I would never have Roy standing at the wrong end and in fact would never have him in ET . No way.
I wouldn't be cut out for taking on children with problems. I like the idea of giving a child that was in care because of poverty a home but I would have to go abroad. I also hate the idea of social workers coming around and judging and telling Roy that because he has had one ciggy in the last year that we are not suitable.

Cos - yes she never wanted them and I believe she doesn't like kids either. If I ever scan down the MN threads I roll my eyes a lot. I am particularly averse to the people who say how depressed they are that after 3 months they still haven't conceived and can't understand it because their first child was conceived immediately. Go away!! [seriously need to move myself on to the infertility boards]

It's interesting to see the list of women joy. I never knew Delia didn't have kids either, I always assumed she had boys. I can add a man to that list, Eric Pickles! Now, I loathe the man but I heard him on desert island discs say that it was a sadness that him and his wife could never have children and I warmed to him (from -40 degrees to -35)

Joy, I would tell the hospital that you know him and do not want t be treated by him. Even if he were to mention anything to you outside of the clinic the he'd get in trouble, I'm sure he cares about his job too much to say anything to you or anyone else.

Spotting is not always a bad sign euro. I'm keeping everything tightly crossed for you.