TTC 10+++ months part 18

[Mrsden]

This is the BFP thread.

Just letting you all know that I am v much thinking if you all and crossing everything for good numbers and sticky beans, esp for euro! Free got the numbers already :)

Sea- any better?

Sweet- you have snow? I can't remember where you are but very envious.

I have begun to get very sore breasts before ovulation again. Anyone have any theories on this? I wonder if it is a hormone imbalance. Grrr

Joy - I know in Chinese meds breast tenderness before ovulation is a sign of liver stagnation - qi and blood which they believe to play a part in sub-fertility but only if it's v v painful. Do you also get clotty periods or PMT type symptoms? TBH I never had sore boobs before TTC. I told my old Chinese doc this and he said a lot of stagnation is emotional. Not sure if this is all bs but it made sense to me. Have you had your appointment at UCLH yet? I think it was around now?

Sweet - That sounds like a lot of snow. I have to admit I am not a big fan of snow. I am always cold, even in summer so I suffer winters a lot.

Euro - My fingers are positively knotted for you.

MrsD - I am sorry long term ttc and failed rounds are haunting you too. It's so so unfair.

Critters - I am so happy you are almost there. Did you get a decent agreement with your HR on maternity in the end?

AFM, I thought I was coping quite well with DR-ing but maybe I not. I stayed home to work today as have lost my voice (bad move - I need to be around people to pretend I am normal). MrS's position at work is looking v iffy again and I am half expecting he will be let go before Xmas [gulp]. He is looking at other options and I am trying to support him through it. I have been v tearful all day.. suddenly I feel v scared about everything - infertility, job security, finance to pay for ivf if our income reduces because of redundancy and bigger mortgage as we are in the process of buying a new place, feeling angry at my body for needing to spend money on something that feels like it has the chance of winning on the lottery. It feels like nothing is right and all v scary. I am not sure if it's just the drugs and the flu making it all seem worst but I can't stop crying.

joy I never had sore boobs pre ov before I did IVF, but I've had it a few cycles since. I recognise many of the symptoms sea lists too.

sea that all sounds hard, and the drugs won't be helping you emotionally. I also resent spending the money on this, although feel very fortunate that we were in a position to do so. I hope you start to feel better soon. x

Thanks for all the paw squeezes and good wishes. Mr euro and I have hardly talked about it. I think we are both terrified of looking to the future. Two of my friends are pg at the moment (one 4 months-ish and the other around 6 weeks) so if it all works out for all three of us, it will be a lovely 2014. If it doesn't it will make it all the harder.

Sea - Huge hugs! I am sure the drugs aren't helping. I am so sorry you are having such a rough day.

Joy - I am not sure what the sore breasts could mean.

Yes, snow - it's about time! Winter was a bit late this year. I am in Canada.

Euro I have everything crossed for you that this turns out to be the one and hope you get through the next few days ok. Has to be good news that you consistently get to implantation.

Sea that sounds difficult and dr is really tough going on emotions - keep going and once you're stimming you'll hopefully start to feel better.

Joy sorry for the sore boobs - when did you last get this?

Sweet am very jealous of both the snow and Canada.

Critter you're so reassuring its so nice you still pop in.

Le Pout, how's things, any news on the referral?

Muddy what news on your front?

Waves all.

Oh sea big hug. Sorry you are feeling so shitty. Finance worries are crap at the best of times but when it's wrapped up with ttc it's another straw on the breaking camel's back. I wish I could magic up ironidiffs for us all.

joy I've been googling prog and estrogen (lol spell corrected to waterhen ) and Dr Google says:
Boob sawness just before ov and just before AF is high estrogen. Normally focused around the nipples. Something to do with fluid filling the tubes round there.
Boob sawness ramping up between ov and AF, then stopping just before AF is high prog. Normally focused round the side of the boob and something to do with enlarging glands (I think it was).

euro oh to be an instadiffa. I'm angry that this innocent joy has been taken from all of us. My fingers are tightly crossed for you. Its like the tww turns in to a fourteen week window

I was never under any illusion that it was going to be quick for me and getting a BFP after a year felt about right. But I'm now so scared about another mc I feel oddly relieved when each AF arrives. It just not fair that such a lovely bunch of people have to deal with the wait and worry.

afm. I caved and tested on Sun. Bfn. Now 15dpo and no AF yet. I'm not in too bad a place considering the non-ttc crap that's going on. I tried suggesting to MrC that we take a ttc break over Christmas so that I can get shit faced and eat as much chocolate and potatoes as I like enjoy myself, but he is keen to continue. Which I suppose is a good thing.
Finances and job uncertainty mean IVF really is out of the question for now. It makes for some very boring ttc updates from me but for the moment I can say I have thoroughly enjoyed not having sex for the last two weeks after our shag-a-thon last month.

Luff and hugs to you all.

Oh sea everything always comes at once. I think it sounds like the drugs and illness are not helping matters. It just compounds issues and makes it very hard to deal with things. Once you start stimming you won't feel like this. I hope your fears for your hubby's job don't come to fruition. Really interesting about the stagnation. I wish I was having acu every week actually but the prices here are unaffordable. I use to have very clotty periods after my first m/c and acu got rid of that. Sore breasts only started when TTC too. It's so bizarre.

Euro - it's hard especially when friends are expecting and I hope all will be well. I understand not wanting to look into future or not wanting to think of due dates just in case. I discuss baby names with Roy now just in case I do ever get pregnant again because I sure wont be discussing names when pregnant! Weird psychology.

I have my nhs appointment tomorrow.

Coco - estrogen dominance also sounds about right. I think I will have to hit the progesterone cream again to balance my hormones. I am so bored of all this. Do you normally get to 15dpo? It's not nice how a m/c can put you off wanting to get pregnant again. I hope something is going on with you.

euro big paw squeeze for you

sea it never rains but bloody pours, I do think the drugs and illness just compound your worries, I hope things work out for Mr S at work, redundancy is shite, Barry has been 4 years on contract work now

coco sorry about the BFN this month,

joy I hope tomorrows appointment will be helpful so you can make plans for your next round, its not weird psychology, its just a ay of protecting yourself, when you've had a shit journey so far you worry about things going wrong, its only natural

cos how are you my lovely

sweet only slightly of your snow :)

joy 15dpo is the longest AFhas taken so will be officially late tomorrow.
I tested with a divi but I'm NOT caving again till next weekend.
I've had too many coffees this month, it's probably thrown things out of whack again

divi? digi

Morning ladies.

I'm menkulling here. No insomnia last night (for the first time since the trigger) and I feel fine today (I have been feeling "off" for the past few days). If someone could just knock me out and wake me up when it is all over one way or the other, I'd be very grateful.

coco we can menkul together...

Good luck for the appointment today joy.

Euro - What a headf**k! So sorry you are going through this. I bet you can't wait to do the blood test now. It won't be long. I suggest doing lots of things and keeping busy to avoid thinking about it. Big handhold. You are of course right... I am v grateful we are in the position to pay for ivf. I just feel guilty about spending money like this...

Joy - I hope the appointment goes well. Would you consider taking Chinese herbs rather than acu. The powder that you mix with hot water actually isn't too bad. My previously clotty period was got rid off via herbs when I was seeing my practitioner once a month rather than weekly... it was v effectively and much more affordable.

Coco - I am sorry it was not good news. and even more sorry to hear that redundancy fears are also alive in your household. I say take a break and drink and eat what you want over xmas... you can still ttc... a blow out now and again won't hurt.

Ladies thanks for your understanding about my slight meltdown yesterday. I am a bit embarrassed about being such a drama llama! Worries are real but I def think the drugs and flu made it much worse. I am a natural worrier but usually can keep it under control. Feeling slightly better today. AF has arrived so it's all starting now. Just made it in time for immunes as well. Waves to Buzz, Cos, Sweet, Lemons & Fox!

Oh Euro - have you tested again? There is just no two ways about it, it's shit. When is your blood test?

Coco - I really hope too many coffees has done the trick. Crossing fingers.

Just had my appointment. They could tell from my notes I should have been referred to ivf. Useless GP. So now another 3 month wait for the next ivf appt. and then perhaps another 6 months after that. But if my amh is rock bottom which I presume it is by now, they may rush me through. The guy was nice actually and went through ivf history and he said the lack of blasts and zero frosties after 28 eggs doesn't sound good. Plus not good that no pregnancy develops. So They will treat me as a recurrent miscarriage patient during ivf and I will be put on a lot of drugs. But by what he said, it will be half the amount of what I was on. No evidence for Nk cells and he said he had researched it.
And then at the end he said, I may not actually be eligible for nhs ivf as I have been private twice and things have changed. So I am now waiting for a call to find out.
I must say I feel unbelievably miserable about it all at the moment. Been trying not to cry. My boob pain is agony which is a peri-menopause symptom when pre-ovulation (thanks google) and I just feel we are in a hopeless situation really and there is nothing that we can do but wait for a mircacle. Sorry no Xmas spirit here.

Oh joy. I could kick your useless GP. How annoying to have to wait again. I hope that you are still eligible and that they rush you through.

sea you weren't being a drama llama at all! I'm glad you are feeling a bit better now anyway, and it's good that AF arrived in time for your immune tests.

I did test again (I was planning to do every other day but caved as a result of the lack of symptoms) and got a similar line to yesterday.

Sea - you are NOT a drama llama. And thank god for AF. So finally you are off. It has been a long time coming and we will be right behind you.
I did take some Chinese herbs before- nature's forest or something. I am intrigued by them and may think about them next year. Are they costly?

Oh Joy I'm so sorry I was so hoping it wouldn't be one of those useless appointments. Remember he is just 1 person. You have bundles of eggs so can't possibly be peri menopausal. You were an instadiffer but unfortunately something happened which is maybe getting in the way now. You can get and have been pregnant so there's no reason it cant happen when all the conditions are right. Oh it's so so hard and you've been through so much, you deserve a little cry. Why not do the Warwick implantation clinic while you wait, it'dits £350 and might give you some new information? Massive hugs.

Euro massive squeeze to you too. I really think symptoms are unreliable the only thing is to test but I so understand it'd impossible to ignore your body. Hang in there lovely.

Sea so glad the fog has lifted a bit, af does that for me too usually. Keep going one day at a time.

Oh come on fertility gods and give us all a break!

euro Fingers crossed for you. I also have no symptoms. I am swinging between despair, fear, hope and being resigned to failure. I'm leaking from the sodding progesterone tablets and muttering 'please don't let it be blood' whenever I go to the loo. 22 days (latest) until I find out if there's anything developing in there. Hope the blood tests are fine on Thursday.

sea sorry it is so tough at the moment. Hope things improve very soon.

I'm away for holidays so limited private internet access.Tthinking of you all though.

joy I wish I could say something to take the pain and misery away. There is no magic answer, but I wish that the consultant could have given you one. I don't think you should be too bothered about the lower drugs dose for immunes, there is nothing to say that more is better and we know that your last clinic like to go further than everyone else, I'm not convinced that there are good clinical reasons for this though. I know their stats are good, but I bet they're pretty flakey if you dig into them. My Dr also doesn't think much of the nk theory, I asked about it in passing once and he sort of rolled his eyes and said that he'd love to see some sound data on it. We're all searching for an answer, I wish the medical establishment could get their act in gear to provide us with one.

euro I don't think you can read much into symptoms at this stage, most women would have no idea that they're pregnant this early on. Good luck for the hcg test.

On the sore boobs front joy, I've never had sore ones before ovulation. Mine are sore now but I'm about 7 dpo. They didn't really hurt on the ivf cycle when I had loads of progesterone though so I really don't know what it's a sign of.

I join you in the no xmas spirit. I finish work on Thurs though so that's something to be happy about. And I ate my first mince pie yesterday that I managed to source in the English food shop, it was yummy.

Joy oh... I am v annoyed on your behalf that you GP didn't refer you properly. How frustrating. As for qualifying for nhs round... that's just rubbish. I wonder... didn't you move recently? Maybe the PCT (or whatever they have been replaced by) in your new area has different rules. Would that be worth looking into? As for amh/egg quality/numbers it really can vary so much depending on the cycle. One of my bestie is having her 2nd round of ivf right now, on her last round none of her embies made it to transfer. She was devastated. She had fairly low AMH and is much older than you. This time round she was put on a different protocol, got 4 embies and 3 were top grade. I guess what I am trying to say is please don't give up hope yet because a different approach can well produce a different outcome. I really think you can still do it. A big handhold to you.

As for Chinese meds, you need to find a practitioner who does TCM but also trained in herbs. It's better to go for the loose power rather than the pills (patent herbs) as the former is tailored to you. Different practitioners charge different things but I think it's between £30 - 40 a month on herbs and if you go for a herbal only consultation it's usually cheaper than acu.

Euro oh euro... I haven't given up hope for you. Still thinking sticky sticky bean thoughts for you. It must be awful waiting. A line is a line is a line. Hang in there Euro-bean!

joy I'm so sorry that you find yourself in such a crappy situation. What a nightmare Fingers firmly crossed that they come back with positive news on the NHS front. It's good that you'll at least get a similar amount of drugs and not less!. It's crazy that it takes so long. Like someone said before, it feels like they make the process drawn out in the hope that people will get preg by themselves. I hope they feel guilty about the GP's balls up and push you up the list.

euro we can be menkul buddies. Sorry about the disappearing insomnia. I'm trying, and failing, to think of distraction techniques. Hang in there little bean.

sea you are not a drama llama (despite how cool the phrase drama llama is) It's great that you are ready to get going now.

Afm 16dpo and officially late. I've got backache but not sure if that's from lifting those heavy boxes on Monday. Nerves of steel I have, I know this is nothing, I just have to remind my inner-self that. I'm trying to think of it as a win win situation, one result win! the other result, I get to enjoy Christmas in all it's excessive glory.

free the progesterone is vile isn't it? Ive ruined so much underwear this year by it finding away around sanpro.

coco will you test?

Thanks for all the reassuring and kind thoughts. I hate this waiting!

Eek progesterone sounds scary.
euro no testing till next weekend. I'm working 12hrs days so getting out to buying another will be tricky but I'm grateful for the enforced money saving.