TTC 10+++ months part 18

[Mrsden]

This is the BFP thread.

Oh Cos. A big squeeze to you. I am just keeping everything crossed for you. Would you consider some immune support with it? I don't know if that is feasible. Thinking of you in what I know must be a really bittersweet time....

I am on 100mg of gestone. My buttocks are sore... but I tell myself it's all for a good cause.

So nice to see Art.

x post fox. Thanks. I am trying to stay sane. It's not easy. Daydreaming all kinds of scenarios in my head. I wish someone could knock me out for the week and wake me up on Sunday for the blood test.

Posted earlier but it got eaten. Mainly to thank Art for the hope of the clip-clop variety .

Cos. Ahem. I will quietly watch and hope for you. Progesterone is clearly a thing for you, if this doesn't work out it would be maybe worth breaking down the GPs door to get Gestone?

Devon, Ray and Pout, I wrote loads to you all earlier. Mainly to say you are a long way from the end of the journey (if you choose to be) and there is hope for all of you. A lot of it.

I think Mr N and I are going to move forward with DE soon, but we came to that conclusion after a long and very painful conversation yesterday. The very long story short being that MrN is still terrified of being a parent and that was manifesting in all kinds of chat from him about whether our marriage will survive and whether I will be too controlling . I think when we looked after our nephews on holiday a lot he felt quite overwhelmed, just in a "this is dull and never-ending" kind of way. I pointed out that a) they aren't our kids and we were being polite b) their parents felt the same and were desperate to get to work c) it was the Christmas holidays so everything was magnified d) we were guests in someone else's house which is exhausting anyway and e) they aren't small forever and This Too Shall Pass . Anyway it was a bit rough but maybe cathartic too. And also I told him I hadn't gone through all this shit to give up now. the bastard

So on that cheery note I'm finishing my wine then going to bed to read, part of my loose 2014 resolutions. Bear in mind one of those is to get a cleaner. They aren't particularly onerous this year I've given up resolving to get pregnant

Loves to all

cos big hand hold and whispering congrats

Blimey, cos. The progesterone obviously really does make a difference for you. I'm glad you had a lovely holiday.

I hear you, sea. I would quite happily be knocked out from ET to BFN/12 weeks each time!

Hell is other people's children, nelly. We had a visit from a group including some lovely but very full on pre-schoolers at Xmas, just a few days after my BFP and as mr euro closed the door and got the carpet shampoo out, he turned to me and said "are you SURE you want to do this....?".

Crossing stuff for cos. I won't get too excited, but I am so happy you seem to have solved part of the puzzle.

I am very hopeful and happy for both of you. Clearly centime is a winner and sea the odds are very good. Have you heard about the rest?

So sorry nelly about the hard conversation. I have to admit in our house I am the one struggling with invasions. We had my sister for dinner last week with three small people in tow. The elder two were lovely and well behaved. The younger tested the sturdiness of our telly by whacking it with a wooden train. Much to my surprise it still works.
DE IVF is a big step, I really hope it all works out. I am keeping stuff crossed.

I agree with your comments to devon (nice new name), ray and poutster. Much to play for still and a long road ahead if you can hack it. That was worrying me most, how much longer I could stand the rigmarole of hope and fright. But without trying one doesn't get diffed and in our case, without a whole lot of being fiddled with.

Thinking of you all!

Nelly - I am sorry about difficult conversations with MrN. TBH I think other people's children are a bore. It's different when it's your own. DE is a big step and it's right and good that you are having the big convos before embarking on it. A big handhold to you.

Lemons - It turns out they froze 3 on the same day as ET. All the same grade. Unfortunately the rest didn't grow any further on Day 6. I guess if this doesn't work I still have 3 more goes before having to do LP again.

Five blasts is an excellent haul, sea. And the insurance of three more in the freezer should give you some reassurance while you're waiting. This part is the worst of IVF-treatment even though I really struggled through DRing. Handhold.

3 insurance policies, sea, that's great. And your chances really are very good with two expanding blasts on board.

Thanks for the reassurance and support Euro and Lemons. I have the fear at the moment. Cant wait till Sunday. Still don't know if I should Poas before blood test or wait for the phone call.

Lemons - the wait is definitely not a nice part of the ivf experience. I actually found DR fine. Stimms was exhausting and not something I would like to do again. But we shall see how this goes.

sea if you do want to test early, you might want to test really early to make sure the trigger shot has gone. I was still getting faint lines from it at 9dpEC. So the earliest I could realistically test was 11/12 dpEC (and on each cycle I got a faint positive at this point with a 10 miu internet cheapie).

Euro - I am too scared to test too early.
I think if I am going to test it will be just before I go in for the blood test. I want to bury my head in the sand for as long as possible. It would only be to avoid hearing the "news" from a phone call.

Quick selfish post - lots of bleeding and cramping today and then passed tmi large bloody mass. It never. Fucking. Ends. Think I need a break for a month. Best wishes all round and be back sometime soon.

Oh f*ing hell cos. I can't believe it. I'm so sorry.

sea I found I couldn't hold out until test day. How many dpEC will the blood test be? My clinic tests at 14.

So sorry cos. That is just shit :(

Test when you're ready, sea! Which might be never like me this time and you can always make someone else take the phone call!

My clinic tested at 16dpo, and after a cp I was happy to wait for their verdict...

Oh Cos! . I don't believe it. It's so f**king unfair. Are you going to the doc to get it checked out? Big handhold.

Sunday will be 15 days after EC. I don't think I will POAS until Sun if at all.

oh fucking hell Cos, I am so sorry that you keep being put through shit. It's just bloody unfair and so depressing. A month off sounds good. I just hope it hasn't undone all the good the skiing did. Thinking of you.

Sea - 3 frosties is amazing. They are very strict with what goes in to the freezer so that should give you some peace of mind. I didn't bother testing myself. First round I had started bleeding and assumed it was my period so thought I was out. Never been so shocked by that phone call. Poas and it was negative even though hcg was 185 so clearly they work differently for everyone.

Nelly - sorry about the hard conversation. That must have been very difficult. Men do tend to take longer to come round to the idea of kids anyway. I hope the air is clear now.

Oh cos, I'm so so sorry. I'm thinking of you. We're all here to listen if you need it.

Joining in the general group hug for Cos. It isn't fucking fair. A month off sounds like a good option at this point but perhaps worth having it in your medical notes in case that influences future investigations.

Sea I didn't test before the blood test. I didn't have the nerve. I was putting off finding out ask. Had a big work meeting that morning and I would not have made it through if I had tested that morning and got a BFN. I guess it depends on your circumstances on the day and where/how you think it would be best to find out.

Nelly sorry about the difficult discussions. FWIW Mr A didn't feel ready to be a parent until he actually was one. I don't think men feel the need in the same way. And I still find other people's kids unbelievably tedious. I don't think that goes away

Waves to everyone

Cos :(. I cannot believe this is happening. There is absolutely no fairness in this process. Big squeezes. I agree that if you can bear it, it would be good to get this on your medical records.

Sea I've tried a mix of testing strategies but would not be keen on going for the blood test without a rough idea. But then it's such a personal thing. Everyone has a different perspective.

Things are ok yes Devon, we had a long chat last night about overseas (anonymous) vs UK (potentially not). So we are going to go ahead with one of them! I probably haven't said on here we have decided against taking up our friend's offer. We have concluded that it adds an element of complexity we could do without.

Cos Argh I am so sorry this is totally shite. As the other ladies have said it may be worth trying to get this logged with your GP.

Sea Congratulations on being PUPO, two blasts on board is great news, and another three insurance in the freezer (or siblings..!)! The waiting is awful, roll on Sunday for you! I tested before I went in so that I knew the answer and I am glad I did. I was relieved that then when the phone call came it was fine as I already knew it hadn’t worked.

Lemons Ha, other peoples kids and the destruction of your house, once a friend of ours toddler bit all the way down a cupboard door (new built in cupboard in the alcoves) and along the dining room table…….luckily we have now moved/have a glass table and I am more likely to tell people to reign their kids in. Hope you are feeling ok not too much sickness etc. Thanks for the advice about protocols.

Euro Hope the mentalling it not too bad. On numerous occasions when surrounded by others kids I decide that I don’t want to have any (temporarily) I am sure the hormones mean your own aren’t as tiresome. I am at St Hellier, they work in conjunction with Kings I think that is where ET takes place. I have the option of doing it all at Kings but that is almost even more inconvenient! The ACU is in the same place as the EPU and Maternity bit, helpful…….. and generally feels like an old mental institution!

Nelly Sorry about difficult conversations. Looking after other peoples kids in someone elses house is never going to be easy. I am glad that you have agreed on DE and have a way forward. Your resolutions sound like the perfect kind, mainly fun and not too much effort required!

Pout I have a similar defence mechanism, and we have a plan for if we cant have kids (it involves selling our house and moving to an apartment in a more swanky part of town and generally living a life we wouldn’t be able to if this ever works. I have also totally given up on SWI, infact the one time of the month I relaly don’t want to do it is then, as I don’t want to give myself the head fuck of am I aren’t I.

Ray I am sorry it sounds like you are struggling at the moment. It does sound like your doctor is totally on your side, don’t beat yourself up about finding it difficult to be positive, it is a long a shitty road you have been on so far.

Free Hope that all is going well.

Thank you all for advice on protocols and dosages, I spoke to her again and she eventually managed to convey that I will take the pill for three or four weeks roughly and that the whole cycle will take around 6 weeks from start to finish. They have also made my dose 150. I am slightly concerned (but not surprised) that the dose has changed, I have never seen a doctor instructions are conveyed by a secretary (not even a nurse) and that everything is timed to fit with them (so they like to to start one of the injections on a Monday???!!!!). So now I wait. AF is due next Tuesday, and then the fun begins.

cos I am really sorry to hear your news. Taking a break sounds like a good idea. Take good care.

sea still got my fingers crossed.

ray and devonloch nice new names but I get mixed up who is who. ray is joycep and devonloch is mrsden or the other way round?

nelly it is very hard talking about these things. talking to MrFree about adoption and IVF was hard. for me it was the same result, just different paths to get there. for him, different, he likes his life, if a kid happens to turn up great, but he wasn't keen on adoption and IVF at all for various reasons. Really hard not to get very angry especially when we were already being treated and had seen adoption office.

euro how are you getting on?

other people's kids - I am useless. I am totally impatient and often ask - why are you doing that? (playing with food, drawing on sibling's drawing, crying, spinning round on my office chair ok that last one I enjoy myself ) of a e.g. a 5 year old. Apparently this is not the question to ask and the answer is always - because they are 5.

ten thanks for asking, I have no symptoms at all, in total just 3 waves of slight nausea in the last 5 weeks. I am still diligently taking the vitamins and the progesterone and next scan is next Thursday where I would theoretically be 10w 5d. Will make that doctor check lumpy rash boob too. Only my parents know so far and they're getting annoyed by my refusal to acknowledge that this might be 'it'. I think I will breathe out if I get to 20 weeks.

ray and devon are the other way around free.

I completely understand you on the "breathing out". I feel the same. I've bled for the last week, so even though there was a good scan in the middle of that, it feels hard to believe that all will be well.

I'm similar on the nausea - I've had a couple of short waves but that is it. And a few days where I have just felt "out of sorts" and not wanted to do much apart from lay on the sofa.

ten that sounds similar to my NHS experience. I'm glad they have lowered the dose at least. At King's the ACU is in the industrial park next door to the hospital!

it's the other way round free. It's not long until your next scan, hopefully you can breathe out a little then.

euro I'm sure I read somewhere that only a third of pregnant women actually experience nausea. I know that all the women in my family seem to breeze through the first 12 weeks with no symptoms (and also no men killing thanks to easy conception).

nelly I don't really enjoy spending prolonged periods of time with other people's children. Neither does Mrden. It's exhausting and they're only cute about 10% of the time. I think Mrden would be quite happy never having kids, he doesn't seem to have the urge that I have. He wants children, but doesn't think life will be so bad without them. It sounds like you've got a plan now though, I agree that a known donor would add a whole new level of complexity.

pout I really understand what you said about being exhausted with it all. I sometimes wonder if I can be bothered to continue, so much stress and heartache with a minimal chance of a good outcome. This isn't how I wanted to have children, made in a petri dish with so many concerns about long term issues, health concerns of the drugs, health of the child, etc etc. The longer it goes on the more time I've got to worry and get myself worked up about all this. I've started to think that when we make the decision to give up, life will be so much easier. DH and I agreed that we'll do the FET and one more fresh round and that's it. I don't suppose we'll ever go back to using contraception but we know that it's not going to happen naturally. That's where I differ to you Devon, for a long time now I haven't believed that it will happen. I think that's because we know why it isn't working. At both IVF attemps the count was 8 million, motility only 30%. These aren't numbers to fill me with any hope.