Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

Critter, that's so lovely. It renews your faith in people when someone is kind.

Kayleigh-no idea I'm afraid!

Oh Critter, that truly is lovely. It's so nice to know that someone knows and cares and is kind of cheering you on!

AFM - plodding along. The cremation is tomorrow. It's so ironic that the weather is so incredibly beautiful and everyone seems so happy, when we are reading through various poems and texts to find the perfect one for tomorrow...

The mw we saw was lovely and told me to ring her as soon as I'm pregnant again - but what's the deal with getting blood tests to test HCG levels? Should I ask for them? Mind you, we are away on holiday for almost 3 weeks so I guess they will be back to normal by then? I just feel so empty. My stomach shrinks and churns when I see a tiny baby. I feel sick when I see a pregnant woman and EVERYONE seems to be pregnant at the moment - don't they? I'm secretly hoping to get pregnant again even before I get a period... It's denial, really, isn't it?

Will be thinking of you tomorrow Mademoiselle. I do have a friend that had to have blood tests for HCG levels (she had a positive pg test but then started bleeding and by the time she got a scan there was nothing there) but i wasn't told to have them after my miscarriage a few years ago.

AFM i'm now truly baffled with my body. The bleeding that started last night has slowed right down as of this morning, so i have no idea whether i've ovulated or not now xx

M, will be thinking of you tomorrow

I had someone come up to me today to congratulate me on my pregnancy, they also said they were sorry about my 'false start' last time I was like, did you seriously just call my daughter a 'false start'

Oh dear lord Ducky! How rude! Are you ok? xx

Yea. It was one of DH family and they are like that x

Oh heck, glad you're ok though xx

Mademoiselle will be thinking of you and little Gabriel tomorrow, hope you find some comfort in the ceremony and being able to say goodbye properly x

Ducky I am just over 20 weeks now and still not feeling any pattern of movements. Not a single day goes by without me panicking when I suddenly realise that a few hours have passed without feeling him, but after a while (sometimes hours) I usually do feel something even if its just a flutter. If I lay on my left side and tuck my legs right up under my chin (or as far as they will go these days) he usually protests. On the panicky days I get out the Doppler thing and have a listen in, just in case. Sorry to hear youre getting anxiety attacks, I used to have them years ago and know just how horrid they are. Cant believe that person calling your LG a "false start" they definietly need a good slap.

Critter so nice to hear you have lovely people looking after you. Dont feel like you can only post on here when anything is "happening" we're all here to listen even if its only a rant.

Blue hope your scan goes really well tomorrow, you must be about 26 weeks now? Yes I seem to get more than my fair share of horrid medical professionals, even the receptionists! She even tried to make out it was our mix-up even though we had both stood in front of her and noted it down on our phones when she gave us the day/time!

Kayleigh did you get any answers about the bleeding? Has it stopped now?

Ruby how are things?

AFM been trying to keep really busy waiting for the scan tomorrow. No need to tell you ladies what the run-up to a scan is like, never mind getting there and being told to come back 3 days later

Waves to Earth, Betty, Owl and everyone else x

MissA still none the wiser about the bleeding really. It's just about stopped completely now- although all day today it's not really been "proper" bleeding- more stringy (tmi i know).

Hope all goes well tomorrow xx

kayleigh after J was born, I didn't have any periods for three months. Then I had a period - then ten days later, another 'mini' period. Then I went back onto my old seven week cycle. I think things are just all crazy as your body is getting itself back into sync.

Wow - just wow - at the 'false start' comment. ducky - I am so sorry someone said that to you.

Sorry for stressful scan wait missa - will be thinking of you.

mademoiselle I am getting blood tests because I have the lucky joy of doing IVF, which is a lot more medicalised in terms of testing etc. Just more stuff to obsess over. The doctor needs to know when my hcg is at zero so that he can tell me to start taking hormones again in preparation for another frozen embryo transfer.
If your pregnancy was natural, you shouldn't need blood tests, as you will be trying naturally (I assume) next time too. For what it's worth, I have heard that you are extra fertile post mc, and that most women go on to get pregnant within 3 months of their loss.

Waves to everyone else.

Thanks for that Critter. I'd been having periods quite frequently on the mini-pill after Ben's birth (in the 5 weeks i was taking it i came on 3 times), so i was glad when i AF arrived last week a few days earlier than expected because i thought at least i can start tracking my cycle, but then the bleed last night threw me a little, but you've reassurred me now. Thank you xx

Kayleigh I remember thinking 'what the heck' too. I think thing will straighten themselves out - your poor body is just all out of whack and settling itself back into a rhythm.

Mademoiselle I just re read my post and wanted to say I don't mean to conflate your awful recent experience with losing Gabriel with an earlier miscarriage - I am sorry, just realized I worded things clumsily.

M, I will be thinking of you and Gabriel tomorrow. Sending you love and strength x

MissA, really hope all is well at the scan. I hope she at least gave you a morning appointment?

Ducky-you did well to restrain yourself. I'm sorry you came across such insensitivity.

Sorry not to name check everyone, we're going away for a few days tomorrow and in my wisdom I decided to not start packing until 10.30pm.....

M, will be thinking of you today hope it all goes as well as it can

Hope the scans go well today, keep us updated.

Earth, hope you have a lovely time away x

Thinking of you today madamoiselle x

Hope your scan goes well today too missalex & that there's no hanging around so the nervous run up to it is minimal. Just had mine &growth looks ok so far which is the main thing. Waiting to see a mw then cons now, it's busy so I may be some time...

ducky I'm so sorry someone said that, why people can't just say kind things to us after what we've experienced I really don't know :(. Hope you're ok.

Hope you have a lovely hol earth

kayleigh I know when I went on & off the pill in a short time (years ago) it took a while for my cycle to sort itself out again - i bled whilst on it & then again once off it & it was annoying rather than anything else at the time (in my innocent days!). Pretty sure its not unusual & it sorts itself out with time. V hard to be patient with it & not read more into it tho as things are now I guess.

Waves to critter owl ruby tulip & anyone I've rudely missed, am struggling to scroll on my phone!

Just realised I can't spell in French & neither can my phone mademoiselle & also I knew I'd missed someone betty, hope you're doing ok x

Thanks Blue. Just didn't want to bother the doctors if it was a common thing to happen really. Think i'm just going to continue keeping a note of when AF starts/finishes and when we DTD and keep fingers crossed.

Glad your scan went well, and hope you're not waiting too long for mw and consultant x

Kayleigh I hope your body cooperates soon - are you using ovulation sticks at all?

Ducky - bloody hell, "a false start"???? My lovely cousin who had 3 late m/c in a row told me one of her friends offered to swap husbands, because "hers didn't seem to be able to do it"!! I mean seriously. People can be so insensitive and I'm so sorry that your ILs seem to be that way.

Blue, MissA, more scan news?

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and words of comfort. It's such a lonely affair, grief, isn't it?

AFM- cremation was beautiful. Utterly sad. The saddest thing I've ever done I think. The coffin was so, so tiny. Parents should never ever have to go through anything like this. And now everywhere I look it's summer and everyone is so happy and carefree and excited about the holiday. My grief is so raw it's actually palpable, and I know it inconveniences people. They are trying to be helpful but they're mainly telling me to forget and move on. That another pregnancy will come along soon. That the sun is shining and I should focus on positive things.
Well - everyone: I know that there will be happier times for us eventually, but not today. Today I an grieving the loss of our darling Gabriel(le) and this week a piece of me died with him/her.

I too am going away, tomorrow in fact. Long planned holiday which should have gone very differently but could still not have come at a better time.

Bigs waves to everyone I haven't named individually.

Thank you Mademoiselle. Not using ovulation sticks, wouldn't know the first thing about them to be honest.

I'm pleased (struggling for appropriate word) that Gabriel(le)'s cremation was beautiful. And as you say, there will be happier times, just not right now (and maybe not for a while) grief doesn't have a timeline, and nobody should expect it to. I hope you have a restful and relaxing holiday xxx

Mademoiselle Been thinking of you today, I'm glad Gabriel(le)s ceremony was beautiful, albeit unbearably sad. I hope your time away allows you some sort of respite from the grief or simply allow it to flow, whatever makes you feel better. I know "better" is a long way off right now but in time you will heal x

Kayleigh hope your cycle settles down soon, like others have said its totally normal for it to be a bit haywire. My AF took 2 months to come back after losing A, and then was reeeallly heavy for a few cycles but eventually settled back to normal.

Critter oh the joys of IVF. Ive had 8 years of it hope you can soon get back on the rollercoaster, if thats what you decide to do

Blue really glad your scan went well and she is growing normally, did the rest of the visit go well too?

Ducky hope youre managing to keep calm, have you heard of the www.countthekicks.com page? Maybe when you get a few more weeks along with more movement the bracelet or App would help you to control the anxiety about movements?

Earth hope you have a lovely, relaxing time away. Will it be your little boy's first holiday?

AFM had the 20 week anomoly scan. We have to go back in 2 weeks for him to have another look at the heart as he wasnt happy with what he saw. He told us "not to worry" and refused to be drawn into possibles, said that everything else is fine... but of course we are now petrified that there is something wrong and we're back to counting the days till the next scan

Waves to everyone x

M, glad it went as well as it could have x

Ohh missa, do you have any ideas what he was looking for? Fingers crossed everything goes ok I don't think even the medical staff are aware of how anxious these things can make us after going through what we have been through x

Waves to everyone x

Thank you MissA. I agree with Ducky regarding medical staff not understanding how anxious you're bound to be. I'll be keeping fingers crossed that it goes ok for you.

Waves to all x

M-I'm glad the service was beautiful for Gabriel(le). I was thinking of you yesterday. Really hope your holiday gives you time to grieve and maybe even start to heal.

MissA, I'm so sorry you have this extra worry, I am twisted up like a pretzel with everything crossed that all is ok. Is there a medical reason why you have to wait 2 weeks, or can you kick up a fuss and get seen sooner? 2 weeks seems like a long time to have this hanging over you.

xx

Ps-yes, this is the first holiday, but we're just staying with family in the UK

He just mumbled about valves, arteries and chambers and said that in a week to two weeks baby would have grown a bit more and he'd be able to see better, that until then he cant give us the "ok". I'm starting to be convinced that most doctors are from another planet, either that or they get all empathy knocked out of them during their training or something. Thats my experience anyway...

Hope youre all ok x

Oh MissA how bloody awful - two weeks is the longest time ever. The two weeks we had to wait felt like an absolute lifetime and we rang the hospital after four DAYS because we couldn't bear it!! Ring again if you need to and get seen again, even if they can't tell you more - at least for us it felt like we were 'doing something'!

AFM we are in one of the world's most stunning places, surrounded by honeymooners and happy people and I just cry....I've also had the beginning of mastitis over two days, temperature and rock hard boobs with crippling pain, it's now settled down to electric shooting feelings a bit like extreme pins and needles of that makes sense? Bleeding had stopped and is now back in full flow so I can't swim - well, I'm not supposed to for another week anyway . My dh and I waver at totally different times but are totally there for each other. I sometimes feel these waves of doubt about what we've done, but he's always there to comfort and reassure me we made the right decision. If one thing, at least this has brought us closer...

Waves to everyone else. I hope that you're all doing as well as could be and sending love x