Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

missalex can totally understand not wanting to post on a normal thread. I just feel ill when I read them. I wish we could all have that innocence and confidence again. We have been cheated of it, and it's deeply unfair. When I was pregnant with my son, I thought I was invincible - and my impression seemed to be backed up by the attitudes of my antenatal teacher, midwives etc. It is upsetting that we've had those rosy glasses ripped away in the cruellest way.

betty thank you for your lovely message. I am really sad. But I can't bear to give up so I have to keep trudging on through the forest. How are you doing? Your loss is still so fresh. If you are surviving each day, you're doing brilliantly. Please be gentle on yourself.

Saw the doc again - he said it looks like a 'regular' miscarriage and that he'll just monitor the HCG dropping and then we'll try again on the next cycle. Onwards.

Love to everyone else.

Hi, how is everyone?

Critter, hope you are coping ok xx

Hi Earth hope the quiet means people are doing ok. I am quietly going mad with worry about tomorrow, convinced there will be something drastically wrong at the 20 week scan, I sooo wish I could be more optimistic. Oh and yesterday DH informed me he is sick of me being "constantly sad and pessimistic when things are going so well" which was quite a blow it would be a lot easier for me if I could compartmentalize things like he does and just get on with life. I know he is extremely sad too at times, he just has a different way of coping I suppose.

Critter hope you are doing ok and the MC isnt being too hard to bear x

Ruby how did the scan go?

Waves to Betty, Blue , Kayleigh, Ducky and the new ladies x

Really hope everything goes ok for you tomorrow miss x I'm sure it will do.

I went to hospital the other day to listen to the HB, was terrified for a moment as it took them a while to find it, then baby kept running away each time they did find it.

Hope everyone is ok x

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow MissA and have everything crossed that your little one is still doing well. Our DHs sound pretty similar in their thinking. It made me feel quite alone during the pg, like it was my responsibility to worry for the both of us-its hard work and exhausting. That's what we are here for though, you can offload to us.

Ducky, bit of a mischievous baby you've got on board there!

Hello all and so sorry that we are all meeting on this board for the sane, sad reason.

I have been reading your stories and sobbing at the unfairness of life ever since we had our first indication a few weeks ago that our baby may be very unwell. This was 3 weeks ago yet it feels like a lifetime away. A life that I will never know again. A life where I was happy and innocent and so naive about everything. The final verdict fell last week. The condition is horrific and our baby wouldn't have very much of a life. I know this is probably slightly different to you all who had perfect, healthy babies who died for no reason. We had to make a heart wrenching decision and chose to end this pregnancy. I'm going in tomorrow morning...

We are blessed with a 2.5 yo who helps me go through the days with some form of regularity and routine, but everything around me is blurry and faded and I dint hinder stand how people can be happy and carefree.

I too posted on the 'normal' threads and now they make my stomach churn. I want to scream at them not to get too excited, to distance themselves from the pregnancy and to be cautious.

I've taken much comfort from reading the stories of your beautiful rainbows, some already here, some about to be. But only you can understand that a rainbow will never, ever replace an angel...

Much love up you all and good luck for your scan today MissA!

Mademoiselle, how totally heartbreaking and gut wrenching for you, what an awful decision to have to make. How many weeks pg are you and does your little one have a name? I really hope that today goes smoothly and as physically painlessly as possible, the emotional aspect is of course a completely different story. We are here to support you in whatever way we can. I'm so sorry that you need to join us, but I'm glad you found us. Thinking of you x

Sorry, tomorrow. Hope you can get a little bit of sleep tonight xx

Madamoiselle its hard to imagine what you must be going through, such a sad and terrible decision for any parents to have to make. If your LO would have no quality of life you have no option, you are doing the best you can for him/her. I know there is nothing we can say to make you feel better so just sending you a big hug, will be thinking of you tomorrow x

Thank you Earth - it's so, so rubbish to be in this situation.
I am 'only' 15 weeks. The ironic silver lining for us is that it was picked up at the 12w scan when it's not normally detected until 20w anomaly scan. That's the 'beauty' of being in London - you get seen by incredible doctors who are complete pioneers in Fetal medicine and anomaly detection.
But it will never take away what we are going through right now.

Thank you so much for the kind, warm welcome.

I too am extending warm wishes and living thoughts to everyone on this thread.

missA I hope all went well

I must have missed your post MissA! Thank you.

M, I'm glad you have been seen by good and experienced doctors, but of course it doesn't make any of this any easier. Are you going to mark today in any special way? My thoughts and prayers will be with you tonight and tomorrow.

MissA-how was your scan?

MissA hope your scan went well for you.
MademoiselleG thinking of you today, and sending you strength xx

Welcome Mademoiselle, and I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. It must be so difficult having to make a 'decision' like this, when actually there is no real other option IFSWIM.

MissA, how did your scan go today?

Critter, I hope that you are doing OK.

AFM, my consultant has indicated that it would be OK for us to begin to ttc from the beginning of August (so potentially a minimum gap of a year between c-sections, which seems to be the smallest interval that most doctors will tolerate). I'm happy that we have been given the go-ahead, but ambivalent at the thought of being pregnant again - I don't do pregnancy well, and basically feel nauseous, exhausted and tearful for the whole nine months. On one hand I'm not sure that I could go through that all again so soon; on the other we are conscious of our age (37), and the fact that we wanted a smallish gap between our living daughter and her sibling.

betty that's good news nonetheless I guess, at least you know you can do if you wanted to, but I totally get the fear about it. And I'm much the same: not a good pregnant patient at the best of times.
I think my caution also lies with ignorant but well-meaning friends and family who might assume that you've moved on and all is well just because you're pregnant again. One baby will never, ever replace a lost baby.

AFM well - the official papers are signed, they've taken blood samples and I'm going in tomorrow at 7 am. I am feeling drained and exhausted and unsure how to mark the last day of this pregnancy to be honest... You got me thinking now Earth - what should I do?

Thinking of you too Critters and hoping you are doing as well as one could expect in your circumstances. Sending all my love.

Critter i also hope you're doing ok.
Betty glad you're appointment went ok. I too can understand your feelings about another pregnancy as i'm at the same point xx

Sorry M, I didn't mean to give you something else to think about. I just wondered if you could "celebrate" (iykwim) your last day with your little one. Maybe just a walk in a favourite place or a nice long bath with candles, just time for you and baby. I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling so I'm sorry if these are all ridiculously stupid suggestions.

Betty, I'm glad you've got the go ahead and I'm sure you will know when the time is right to start ttc.

M, so sorry you find yourself here, what a difficult decision you have had to make. You are extremely brave. I i will be thinking of you tomorrow x

Missa, hope everything went ok at your scan.

Critter, hope your holding up ok, I have been thinking of you.

Betty, that's good about the go ahead to TTC again. Maybe you will feel different in this pg? With dd I had severe morning sickness and nothing much else, with this pg I have had no morning sickness just exhaustion. Although I have found being pregnant in general extremely difficult. I either am constantly worrying, or, as awful as it sounds, trying not to think about it at all.

Have had some awful 'episodes' recently, the hospital have said that I am having panic attacks not nice at all. I have been feeling some small movements I think but that makes me worry as I then don't feel anything for a while.

Hope everyone is doing ok x waves to everyone x

mademoiselle so very sorry to hear you are going through this. You poor poor thing. What a heartrending decision. You are being a good mum to your little person. All that your baby has known is love, and you will always love them, forever - that won't go away. It might be nice to think of planting a flowering tree or perennial to remember your little one - we did that for James and I love seeing 'his' tree.

betty that is good news about getting the go-ahead - it's a milestone. I know how incredibly hard it is to think about pregnancy again and it will be a rough rough road no matter what. We are here to hold your hand all the way through. Take your time, you can get through this.

missalex hope today went well. I think it is just hard for our DHs to see us suffering so much. I am sorry that he made a thoughtless comment, I'm sure he's just desperate for everything to be ok.

ducky how cute that the baby was wriggling about.

AFM I am feeling a bit better - I felt AWFUL once I stopped taking the progesterone and oestrogen as I think my hormones were just plunging really really fast and that made me feel dreadful. I had to go to a wedding this weekend which was hard - lots of people I hadn't seen since I was pregnant, plus I had to see people who had babies around the same time as me, and I felt very exposed, like everyone was looking at me. But the worst seems to be over now, thank goodness -I'm resurfacing a bit from the black pit of grief that I was scrabbling around in, which I am sure you're all familiar with - when you're just desperately trying to find a way to climb out and the sides seem so slippery that you can't.

Good to hear you're feeling a bit "better" Critter. I can relate to your feeling people were looking at you- 3 days after Ben was born we had my DH's 30th (we didn't cancel as his family had travelled from all over the country for it) and i felt exactly the same.

Waves to everyone xx

Kayleigh how awful for you, I can't imagine having to go through a party soon soon after your loss. It's such a weird feeling isn't it, you feel so vulnerable and almost embarrassed even though you haven't done anything wrong.

To be honest Critter it was a distraction, and one of my aunties told me it said a lot about the strength of our marriage- which i have to admit made me cry. Once people realised i wasn't going to shatter into pieces it stopped being an issue. I do my breaking down behind closed doors and then i don't have to worry about doing it in front of people that i know can't cope with it (like my dad) xx

Kayleigh and Critter you are both stronger ladies than me, well done for getting through those events.

Very glad to hear that things are improving slightly critter. As if you haven't been through enough there's an almighty whack of hormones to throw you off balance too.

Surely we are all due some MASSIVE luck in the very near future?
I'm in my surgical gown waiting for the surgery as we speak. Having a true outer body experience. Completely disconnected to what is happening. Thank goodness for my dh who is amazing.
Thinking of you all xx

Thinking of you today Mademoiselle x