Den - I was so sad to read about your bfn that I had a little cry whilst I was planting bulbs. And writing that has made me cry again! I am a walking hormonal ball of bloat but even if I wasn't I think I would feel the same. It is so grossly unfair. But, you responded so well this cycle, don't lose sight of how great that is. I know it won't be of much comfort now but you have your frosties. Euro makes a good point that we were all that stage once. This too will feel better. And we are all here for you.
Euro, garlic mash mmmm. You sound really happy and calm at the moment and I'm glad.
Pout. I have missed you so much on here. I am so pleased that you are in a peaceful place with all of this. I do believe that such a state can exist and that we can all find it, no matter where in the journey it falls or even if it gets a little derailed now and then - knowing you can find it is a great solace to me at the moment. I lost someone very close to me in my late twenties and I can only relate all of this to that awful time. The hardest thing with this is that there is no clear demarcation as to where the grief starts, we are suspended in it. I know, in the not too distant future I need to recognise the place where this ends and the new bit starts. The very wise Sar said to me that I will know it when I see it and that I will even feel excited by the new prospects. And I think that is very true. You are doing amazingly with your crafts and you are so very valued in ten plus land.
Sea, I echo what everyone has said. You are just waiting and that is tough. I really hope your result is good.
Gin I liked the look of where you've been and am jealous!
Cos I was thinking of you today and hope you are Ok.
I am feeling alright interspersed with rage and disbelief that this has happened to me. Out of 555 cycles at Care in the last quarter of 2012, 5 didn't make it to transfer. 5! That is one per cent! Reading this has made me feel shitetastic. Also, the donor egg success rate at my clinic is 35% and this doesn't feel very promising, especially as I have managed to be the the 5/555. I know that stats mean nothing and in reality this is a binary situation - either I will be pregnant or not and the inbetween bit is largely irrelevant in terms of me having a baby, the end destination is either on or off. (well not really in terms of future chances but you know what i mean).
I also feel I have crossed a threshold since finding out this and really since the afc in sept. Instead of this being an odd, slightly reduced fertility situation I am actually infertile, bar a miracle I am not going to conceive on my own or with ivf with my own eggs. I am so gut wrenchingly sad about that. A miracle could happen. But I can't rely on that. If I did nothing, I would not have a family and I have some tough choices to make in terms of how to proceed. I can;
do another round and hope I can get 2-3 eggs with a different approach.
take dhea and do the above and hope it might help. These options gives me closure on my eggs once and for all.
I can move straight to donor egg and hope and pray that there are no more issues beyond old eggs. But it feels hard to finalise on that, this round was such a bust I can't help but feel that a different protocol might at least give me a chance to see what the eggs are like. I really don't know and I don't know how I will ever know.
In spite of all of the above though I am functioning and sewing and yogaing and gardening and cooking.
Sorry for the mega post.