Thank you, all of you, for your thoughts. It is very difficult to describe how much the thoughts of people I have never met have helped in the past couple of days. DH has done his best, but not quite understanding how I'm feeling means that his platitudes though well meant, remain exactly that, just platitudes (although I love him so much for trying to say the right thing). He and my MIL (who I love dearly, a rarity I feel) have tried to reassure me that 'at least I know I'm able to get pregnant' and that 'it's all for the best'. Quite to the contrary I have gone through a multitude of emotions since I started bleeding on Tuesday. The shock of going from deliriously happy to devastated, I can?t even begin to explain. I was embarrassed that people knew and worried of what they were thinking, ashamed of letting them down, angry at my body for letting me down and mortified to find DH crying on his own, locked in the bathroom because he thought he had to stay strong in front of me.
I feel ashamed to have cried and grieved over something that really never was. I keep telling myself off for being self-pitying when other people go through so much worse. The thing that I am struggling with is letting go of the idea of the coming nine months, altering the plans that I had made. I can?t fathom how big the sadness was/is compared to the relatively short period of time during which I thought I had finally managed it.
Initially I told DH I was giving up ttc, just a defensive reaction really. After a lot of thinking I have decided to buy Toni Weschler?s book, not to help with ttc, but to try and understand my body a bit better. I thought I knew it so well, but I can?t shake the feeling that my own fertility- or rather my knowledge concerning it- has let me down, not just this month, but for 9 previous cycles too.
We?re going away next week to the Cambs Folk Festival, so I?m going to relax, take a break, listen to the music and spend time with my DH, who has done his best to help me through this.
I just wanted to thank all of you for your support, it has helped me more than you could possibly know. I might not feel up to joining the August thread (hey, I?ll be camping in a field in Cambridge next time I ovulate and earth mother that I naturally am, it still might be a bit of a leap for me to be getting down to it in a field with 6000 other festival goers. I am a lentil weaver, not an exhibitionist.)
So, thank you again, the very best of luck for August to you all and I?ll be seeing you around the ttc boards, if not in the very near future, some time soon.