TTC 10+ months part 16

[Buzzybee123]

New thread for the lovely 10+ers.

lemon I am so sorry my love. This isn't the outcome I was hoping for for you. A stiff drink and a duvet and funny movie in the tent could be a good idea. I'm just devastated for you, what horrible, rotten luck. I think the fact you have six frosties is a really wonderful thing, but I know it doesn't make it any better right now.

euro oh honey, I'm sorry too. The hypno thing sounds like it brought a lot of stuff up. Most people don't have to face all their deepest fears in the way one does during long-term TTC, it's a horrible kind of mental boot camp. I wish I could hang out with you and go for a drink.

nelly I think your plan sounds really good - and LP sounds like a really good way forward. I'm so sorry about the dates thing, I know it must be mega crap having my reminder of what might have been.

mrsd I can imagine it would be incredibly tough. I remember when I got my BFP I was happy but I was also sad and incredibly guilty that I wasn't bringing the rest of the awesome foursome with me (apart from buzz). It's definitely the downside of cycling at the same time as others - someone gets the shitty end of the stick and someone gets the golden ticket, and there's no rhyme or reason it in. But I do think so much of this is chance and numbers - which is what makes it so unfair.

lemon I have to say I am surprised by your clinics view, there is no correlation between my HCG level and my miscarriage, as I said when they tested it there were no chromosomal problems I was never told that it wouldn't work because of the level, I would ask for an HCG sooner, then you'll have an idea what is going on, you don't want to wait till next week as that is an age away, big hugs

Ah Lemon what an awful day you've had, I'm so sorry. It sounds like its been having a really good go at implanting. I'm still hoping for a miracle for you.

I'll do a catch up another time.

If there is a hcg then does that mean that implantation happened however low the number is? I was never told my level, I assume it was 0 because I never felt a single thing so I very much doubt implantation happened. In the 3 + years of trying I'm pretty sure we have never had a snif of implantation.

Rabbit, why do you think you'll never get to Ivf? I felt like that at Xmas when I went for the monitoring scan and was told that I ended a lap. It felt like something kept getting snatched away,

Euro, that does sound fascinating. Have you ever spoken to your mum about her experience?

den I think the whole lost note waiting for nhs funding transfer confirmation just feels like yet another roadblock, I have been waiting to have ivf for what feels like forever. Sometimes I think the universe is trying to tell me something!

That's exactly how I feel! We were told we needed icsi in June 2011. And we didn't have our first round until April 2013. Everytime we got close there was another big fat hurdle, saving money, moving clinics, first round of genetic tests, second round, lap. Then the cycle failed and because of lots of prearranged things that can't be moved we can't go again until October, and to think I always thought I was inpatient!

Lemons ? I am really gutted for you. I know that doesn?t help. It?s just so unfair. As others have said it does look like embies had a really good go at implanting. I don?t know much about HCG levels like others on fred. I am just so sorry. I know today it doesn?t help much but you do have some really good frosties. A big hug to you and MrLemons. Stay away from pregnant colleagues. Take care of yourself.

Euro ? Sorry you were upset after the hypno session. I think hypnotherapy can bring out stuff that you are not even conscious of yourself. Maybe wanting a sibling was one? It sounds like you got some sadness out and felt better afterwards though which is good. Would love to go back to a hypno but not sure I am ready to right now.

Joy ? It does sound like hypno is working re colleagues A+ announcement. I find I am always happy for people I like and not at all and very jealous when it?s someone I don?t like. Interesting what you said about deep-seated fears about pregnancy. I think I am probably harbouring something similar but my biggest fear is actually about what kind of parent I will be. I had someone absent parents and I know I have a lot of unresolved issues with them. I sometimes wonder if that?s why I can?t get pregnant. Your have had a tough TTC journey I think it?s only natural that you will have fears and reservations. Re Humira ? I still have irregular pain at the injection site. It feels bruised but have no signs of bruising. I am going to have to toughen up I know! I have 2 injections to start and then I do immunes test again. If levels don?t go down another 2 Humira. Max you can have is 4 and then they do intralipids. I do wonder if I should have just insisted on that and skipped the humira (cheaper and less side effects) but I didn?t want to argue.

Rabbit ? I am sorry you feel empty right now but I am sure you will get your IVF turn. Did the clinic sort out the admin problems? I found I really had to stay on top of it ? calling, writing and contacting PALs when they lost my referrals. It?s shitty your cycle seems messed up but it might just be a short blip. Don't lose hope! As for the universe trying to tell you something. Not the case at all. I don't? think universe has any insight or control whatsoever. A big hug to you.

MrsD ? You are spot on. This whole journey is all about waiting and roadblocks. It?s no end of waiting and testing and waiting and testing. I still can?t believe after almost 4 yrs of TTC I have not done an IVF yet. It?s been one thing after another. I just realised that if my immunes don?t go down after Humira it is unlikely that I will cycle this year. [sob] I really hope that doesn?t happen.

Sadly buzz there is a correlation between levels and on-goingness of pregnancy. Although there are miracles, they usually aren't the ones where the embryos were watched like a hawk for the first couple of days. It was doing very well outside and there is no reason to assume a late implantation. Well, wot euro said really.

Quit squiffy after two months weeks off booze. I know the frosties offer hope, just hiding in the tent for now.

Massive crossed fingers for all impending rounds, not sure how much I'll be hanging out here, depending on when I need support I guess. But pout I have high hopes for Colin. And for your embies nelly. THe plan sounds sensible...

As to telling people, I told hardly anyone this time. But when I was falling apart earlier and couldn't bear to be alone, I called my mum, and she came around and literally held my hand through the really bad part. Despite not knowing anything about our IVF. She went just before SB came home, so we could have privacy. She is wonderful.

Big hugs lemons. I am really sad for you. Glad you have support of your lovely mum.

I'm glad you have your mum to hand hold lemon, she sounds lovely. Wish I could come over and give you a big hug.

oh lemon - i'm so sorry the clinic have said that. You will be of course very emotional, it's just horrible so do have that stiff drink.

Euro - that's so odd that you came out with the sister thing. It's always a strange wonder what lurks in our subconscious. I reckon trying times like these make you aware of things you don't have. I have noticed that i often wish i was slightly more closer with my mother and that she was a bit more maternally supportive. I've never needed that before but I reckon it's to do with it being a lonely journey and just craving that extra support.

Mrsd - i chat to my hypno for a lot of the session and then i lie down and close my eyes. She doesn't ask me questions, she just talks to me. I'm pretty self conscious and i don't think i allow myself to go under although something odd was happening the other day. It has made me realise that i like to be in control and I use negativity because it puts me in control if things go wrong, i.e. I was prepared for it, it didn't catch me out. A lot of it is also trying to change the belief system and attitude. I can't imagine growing a bump etc and I think she does feed me more positive thoughts. It's trying to balance hope but realism I guess. I have one more session and that's it. You can actually self hypnotise , there is tonnes on the internet about it. I just knew I had to get in to a better frame of mind before my next round. I think i actually needed therapy more than this but I didn't want to see one!

Sea - sorry about the awful humira. I think if you go to the argy you do as you're told and just go with the flow. Plus you don't appear to have any other discovered problems. Your amh is excellent and so it does make you wonder whether it is your cytokines.

Rabbit - super big hug. It's awful when you start thinking about everything sad and building up in your life. I hear you about the parents getting older and passing the grandparent age. This is a huge fear of mine. My parents are looking so much older now and their friends are dying left right and centre. I am their only chance for grandchildren and i just wish i could give it to them. And feck to the bizarre cycle. It just makes everything so more anxious than it should be.

Thanks Joyce, I like having you back I too can't imagine having a bump, I was saying that only this morning. Sibling was you can't think like that! But I do, I've felt from month 2 of trying that this will never happen for me. I'd love to get rid of that feeling. Sometimes I manage it for a few days.

lemons I am thinking of you today & hope you are as okay as is possible right now.

euro it is intriguing what lurks in our subconscious. Maybe your comments about wanting a sister was your brains way of just saying that the TTC burden is becoming too heavy and you need to offload a bit onto someone else.

joy It's interesting what you say about having a mental block to getting pregnant. I have wondered that too sometimes. At the back of my mind there has always been the worry that I might parent like my mother and that thought terrifies me because I so wouldn't want that and would rather not have kids. Oddly I have been having strange moments like waking up and for no reason at all instantly panicking about how awful childbirth would be. It is only fleeting but unnerving nevertheless.

mrsd The road to IVF does seem to be all about roadblocks and jumping through hoops. Like you I have also felt frustrated by non medical stumbling blocks too. Every time we have cycled or planned to cycle some personal crisis or hindrance hits. So not the relaxed process I planned & sometimes I wonder if it is all fated.

rabbit All those announcements, no wonder you are reeling. It is so sad when little ones in the family who live far away leave after a stay. I used to cry and cry in the car when we used to have to drop my nephew off. Hope that you are getting used to the quiet a bit now. I know it is difficult to feel positive when you have been through so much but I genuinely feel that you will get there. You have had 2 near misses and it will be a matter of time for you to hit the jackpot of the golden egg Any news on what is happening with your IVF application?
What an uncannily accurate description of how this all feels. I can identify absolutely with the glass room and people peering in (and poking with sticks) but offering little in the way of support. I too want to bring down the shutters and tell them all to bog off. Incidently, I recently tackled my mother about having told everyone when I had specifically asker her to keep it to herself. She offered some half arsed sorry and then had the audacity to call back a week later to deny having done it & telling me how upset she was by the accusation. I just calmly pointed out (whilst apparently the vein on the side of my head was throbbing a la Stressed Eric) that I wouldn't entertain a stewards enquiry on the subject & reeled off the list of all the people I know she has told. She then squeaked a sorry and how she did it because she had been so upset Grrrr.
Oh and yes to broodiness. I stupidly looked through the baby section of the Next catalogue and ended up having a few tears. MrP told me off for being so shallow & that having a baby isn't about dressing them up. He just didn't understand quite how CUTE the little ladybird dress & hat was at all

sea I am sorry that your first injection has been a bit ouchy. Are you doing them in your stomach. I found that one side of my tummy hurt more to inject. Maybe you could try swapping sides.

mrsd I've never spoken to my mum about the emotional side of things. When I was starting down the AC route, I did ask her about her mcs in case any of it was relevant family history, so I had the basic details.

rabbit I'm sorry for the flock of announcements. I was out with my bestie this week (the one who has 3 IVF kids) and she was saying that she didn't think her little bro would ever have kids. But earlier this year she went to visit for two weeks (her bro and his wife live abroad) and at the end of it he and his wife decided to try for a baby. The visit was in February. She's due in November, so she was pregnant by March. It just blew me away. I guess that's how it is supposed to work - make decision, become pregnant a few weeks later, 9 months later-deliver a baby.

I've also felt that it wouldn't happen for me from very early on.

joy/pout my hypno lady was talking indirectly about a mental block to pregnancy. The early PCOS diagnosis and the offhand "we're discharging you; come back when you want to get pregnant" left me with a very ingrained view that I wouldn't/couldn't get pregnant, right from my teens. And for a long time I didn't want children, or maybe I just convinced myself of that.

pout a ladybird dress and hat, you say? That sounds adorable. I'm sorry that your mum is being so difficult. She sounds (with respect) very self-centred. Why on earth would she think that her "stress" over this would trump your own requirement for privacy over something that is very personal? Harrumph.

critter I too wish we could hang out. How are you doing, furry belly aside?

sea you have been through so much treatment. You will get your cycle soon.

lemon your mum sounds lovely. I hope you are bearing up ok today and looking after yourself.

euro the dress is on page 514 of the Summer catalogue! Be warned most of the stuff in that section is stomach churningly cute

Just popping in quickly to say lemons I'm so bloody sorry about the cycle. It's utterly unfair and I so wish it'd worked for you. Cry, eat cake and drink lots of gin and I promise you will start to feel better eventually. And then you have your little frosties waiting for you. Lots of love.

I'm so sorry to hear a few of you are in the tent at the mo. I think summer is a hard time of year, with lots of kids about and the rush of announcements after springs shagathon. I offer big luffs and gins (and also maybe a smidge of hope, as last summer I was so so convinced it would never happen to me) x

Lemon - oh honey I am terribly sorry. I echo what everyone else has said about feeling a bit rotten for now but shortly the urge and the fire in your belly will be back for fet. But right now you do need to grieve. I assure you that this is not the end, just a blip in the annoyingly frustrating journey to motherhood. You will get there lemons, you will.

All this talk of inner emotional barriers to becoming pregnant is interesting. Every aspect is worth considering and dealing with. Positive affirmations are hugely important but the leap from negative self protection to total belief in becoming pregnant can be a huge one.

Sorry about the broodyness and whirwind of babies and toddlers. But everyone here can get pregnant. Don't lose hope.

Pout ? i think we have discussed mental blocks before. I honestly believe that some people can put a mental block on things. I don?t believe for a second that?s teh cause of my infertility but I do wonder whether it has a role to play. Although my friend who took 1 sex session to get pregnant recently was terrified of pregnancy and didn?t really want to get pregnant so it clearly doesn?t apply to most! Sorry to hear about your mother. She sounds very much like my MiL and i think Euro is right , it is self centredness. MiL has told everyone about us, emailed a random gynae who was in his 80s about our problem, snooped in our house and told Roy how upset she was we hadn?t told her about the first m/c sooner. It?s a me me me syndrome. It?s all about them and how they are feeling and they can?t seem to accept responsibility for their actions. So i really feel for you, it?s frustrating.

Gin - you are such a beacon of hope !

I was reading some stats on the royal baby and I see I live in a corner of Britain with the lowest fertility rates. Only one other place close by is lower. And there it is - it's in the bloody water!

Have a nice weekend everyone .

I don't believe for a second that a mental block on pregnancy is causing infertility. I think loads of women would say that they have negative feelings about pregnancy, childbirth etc. I cannot imagine myself being pregnant, but I probably could have before all of this. I think for me it's a bit of a self preservation thing. I used to get upset when I thought about what it would be like so now I don't try to imagine it at all, it's something that happens to other people.

Lemons, I hope you're doing ok today. The first week is the worst and then it does get a bit better. Your mum sounds lovely and supportive.

Pout and joy. Sorry to hear that mothers and mil are selfish. I don't think my mil would tell anyone, but shed be constantly on the phone for updates and even when you're in the middle of Ivf there isn't much to tell. She isnt very well at the moment and i know she would really worry and feelmsad about it, and j couldnt cope with her pain on top of my own. My mum probably wouldnt tell people outright but shed drop enough hints so people would guess and then say "but I never told anyone, they guessed". She can also be a bit insensitive sometimes so I don't think I'd get a great deal of useful support. After you've gone so long without telling people I don't actually know how I'd go about telling them if I did. It's not the sort of thing I can drop in a Skype call.

Euro, i know mil suffered a mc but its not the sort of thing I'd be comfortable asking her about. Your mum must really understand your pain though, do you think it's hard for her to see you going through all this?

lemon thinking of you, big hugs x

Thanks you lot, there have been better days all of them except the mc last year would be a fair description, but we'll get through, I hope so I am not going to drag you lot too far down.

I'm having oddness. I'm spotting at 7/8dpo. I never spot. So this might be the start of a super early period, like I have had a couple of times before (implantation failure? The others were at around 9dpo so the timing is right), or I now have spotting to add to the delights of womanhood. Hmm.

I wrote a long post and its disappeared. Bit worried that it might turn up somewhere else, will someone warn me if it appears on FBI

Spotting euro? Is it light? Do you think you ovulated this month? Could it be implantation?? Or could it be the cervix has been knocked? I wish things could always be straightforward and text book.

FBI? I mean fb obviously.

Lemon, you can be as miserable and down on here as you want to be. This can never be a thread where we only post when we are feeling up.

Big belly laugh at MrsDen sending her innermost TTC thoughts to the FBI

Euro. Hmmmmm.

Lemon you are very much allowed to be down, don't feel you can't post here if it is what you need.

May be offline for a few days, but will post if we have wifi. Period due the day we return. Wonder If it will arrive at the departure lounge, as it did on the way back from honeymoon .

Quick waves to everyone xxx