TTC 10+ months part 16

[Buzzybee123]

New thread for the lovely 10+ers.

joy I hope the IVIG goes well. The extra stress about this is really not what you need.

pout how wonderful that you will soon be reunited with Colin.

I really wonder whether IVF is a blessing or a curse. It does get some people their babies, of course, but it is a pretty gruelling process and it doesn't work for everyone. I just want this part of my life to be over. I hate everything about all the prodding and poking and interventions.

pout you go get Colin he has been waiting ages to be reunited with you

joy make sure you relax while having you IVIG, I had a cuppa chocolate and something to read to help pass the time

coco welcome back, weren't our monkies hanging out together

euro IVF is a shit stressful time, but it can bring closure one way or another, I think it would have always been on my mind if I hadn't tried it. the constant what if, but it can be never ending

rabbit you have been through so much and you are so close to trying IVF, the whole process is overwhelming maybe see what they say at your appontment and take it from there

lemon and mrsd good luck with your up and coming cycles

cos and mad hope you two are ok and not over menkulling

sea sorry your cycle has been put back, are you going to have more humeria, its 4 shots they let you have isn't it

well i'm off to ikea, need some bits to finish off some DIY, I was thinking of new curtains but then the other day Kayla climbed to the top my curtains ate something off the ceiling then ripped my curtains on the way down so maybe i'll shelve that idea for a bit

Euro - I agree with your thoughts on ivf. I think the same sometimes and haven't even got there yet but it has worked for so many people. It is an amazing thing.

Joy - I agree 18 hrs can't make that much difference. Know how you feel re guilt calling in sick. Was the same when I was employed. But know that they are v unlikely to get rid of you indeed if you are like that and always so hard working. I really dislike your office rat. He sounds like a knob! Excuse my language. Hope ivig goes smoothly.

Rabbit - Very poignant and eloquent post. Before TTC I always liked the idea of adoption - giving someone a better chance than they were dealt with but since TTC and not getting anywhere, I have become consumed with having a biological child. I don't know why... I am still interested in adoption but MrS isn't keen at all and I am not in the mental place where I feel I can discuss it rationally or objectively. I am sorry Hare feels trying naturally is pointless. It does hurt. MrS got there a lot time ago... Around the time the doc told us the chance of natural conception after 3 yrs at our age is less than 1% and we are now at 4 yrs. You never think you will end up here do you? [hugs]... but then I hear about all these pre ivf diffs and then I think it's got to happen to someone!!!

Ladies - thanks for all your kind words re roadblocks and long waits. It's frustrating but I actually feel okay about it. The waiting for the results was hellish and I think I was completely mental but once I got the news I actually felt okay.

Buzz - yes more Humira for me. 2 more shots. You are only allowed 4 max. If it doesn't come down they put you on intralipids (max 3 times) hence why I wanted to go straight to intralipids - cheaper and less delay. in my case I also hate Humira. How is it going with you? I really hope the worry has subsided and you are enjoying you win now!

Lemons - I can't wait for you to be PUPO. I have a good feeling you will be another FET success. I feel it.

Have to run. Waves to all

Good luck pout and Colin. Hope it all goes smoothly.

Good luck today too joy. I imagine the Iving is fairly unpleasant, you're unbelievably strong.

pout massive good luck today. I know the transfer is undignified and incredibly stressful but it's also a beautiful thing, seeing that little embie floating back into its spiritual home. I will be willing implantation thoughts for you with all my heart.

sea my heart sank when I read that you have to take more Humira. These obstacles and endless waits are just exhausting and miserable and I'm so sorry you're having to wait so long when you've endured so much already. It's just not fair. You've handled all this with so much patience and grace, I just wish you didn't have to go through more of this crap.

euro I've been thinking of you a lot recently. I'm so sorry you've had such crap luck with the numbers. I do think that the fact that your body has been implanting is a good sign. I think you just haven't had enough eggs for it to work, if you see what I mean. But I know that this is an exhausting, draining and all round miserable process and that you've already more than paid your dues. I wish I could go out for a big piece of cake and a funny catch up with you and give you a hug. You are going to get there euro, hang in there my lovely.

buzzy I think your scan is today, good luck, hope it goes brilliantly and assuages your fears. Love the thought of little Kayla climbing up the curtains, although I can imagine your curtains were less happy about being climbed!

rabbit brilliant post. I think it's a massively personal decision, but for what it's worth, I agree with the others that even though the cost - both financially and emotionally - of IVF is very high, I think you'd have an excellent chance, especially given your cps and mc. It is bloody knackering having to think about TTC all the time. I do think that next year you will be a mum, however you come to that place. And a bloody amazing mum too.

joy your work sounds so stressful. I remember the office rat from another time you posted about him perhaps overhearing a conversation of yours when you were going through that really dark time earlier this year. I am so sorry. For what it's worth, in the US people take sick days almost like they are leave days (probably because they don't get much leave). Your company is very lucky to have you as such a conscientious employee. I am wishing you all the luck in the world with your ivig and with this round.

coco welcome back, I remember you, I'm so sorry you suffered another mc. I hope this thread brings you support and luck.

hello dulcet, hope you aren't here too long, great name! These ladies have been an absolute lifeline to me.

rum even now that I'm in the jelly on the belly stage, I still have the Pavlovian response of wanting to drop my knickers whenever I get near an ultrasound machine (much to the medical people's alarm). I can't remember how many I had, you do get so blase about them!

mrsd October is close now. I have a good feeling about this round for you. I so want you and nelly to get good results from your next rounds, as with mad I think about you both often as my fellow awesome foursomers.

Waves to lovely sar, you always write such amazing posts.

mad and cos -hope it's sinking in now. BFPs could not be better deserved. I hope you both have blissfully boring and uneventful pregnancies.

nelly I am sorry that this is dragging on so long for you. It's just not fair. I did find that distraction through another passion helped me through the TTC shitfest, but I know it's bloody exhausting and you've done brilliantly to manage so far.

lemon my fingers are tightly crossed for your little lembie. It's great that you're back on the horse again so fast. I think of doll who did two rounds very close together and got a great result. Wishing you much much much luck honey.

Waves to all I've missed. Everything is good here, work is very busy and they are still kind of dicking me around with mat leave but I'm trying not to worry about it too much, on the grand scheme of things it could be much worse. I do think that long-term TTC gives you perspective.

In other news, there is a massive cockroach on the loose (American size - this one must be from Texas, he's at least 3 inches long and is almost wearing a small stetson hat) in our office. I saw him last night and didn't catch him. so I am sitting with my feet perched under me until they come and spray to get rid of any infestation.

Happy Friday the 13th one and all. Pout I have been thinking of you lots today and hope that all went smoothly, with you now tucked up on the sofa with big and little dog whilst being looked after nicely.

Joy, hope the ivig went ok. Does it give you symptoms?

Critter, thank you lovely for your kind words, good to see you, you too Sar (you made me do good thinking) Eeww to the cockroach, disgusting things.

Actually, a collective thank you to everyone who has listened and come back with words of wisdom and perspectives, it has been incredibly helpful. Yesterday was a real low and reading your posts has helped me to process what has been going on. I think it is a huge huge wobble about ivf. I have seen so many of you go through these but I guess you don't fully appreciate the layers of feelings until you are there yourself. I had a long long chat with H and could see the look on his face when I voiced I wasn't sure I wanted to.

I guess this isn't solely my decision to make, just because it is my body. But, what he did say is that we need some time to figure things out so, we are going to go to the appointment we have and an adoption evening to start getting a better sense of the lay of the land. I am due to get my period very soon after the appointment and the thought of them saying well come back next week and start has been freaking me out. But of course I don't have to do that (and who knows, I might not even be able to for whatever reason) and can have a month more to get ready ( I don't see how I possibly need more time, I thin it is just that immediacy at the start of the school year, it all feels too too much). i do think this has come at a bad and always stressful time for me and I have always dreaded that happening.

Lemon, did it help to go to an evening? I also started a thread where people have added their perspective. I love you lot, this has really helped me.

In many ways the information evening was confusing than anything else, if I am honest rabbit. But we went last month, after IVF I chem diffment and with 6 frosties in the freezer.

SB found it very positive and he's keen, also if we're lucky enough to have a natural child. I concur with him that it is something we might want to do anyway. It fits well with us as a couple and our wishes and hopes for family life and our values. But I am very worried about sugar-coats and real life issues, mentioned by one of the people who reacted on your other thread. All the people I've spoken to about it say it is incredibly worthwhile and incredibly hard. So it is something I need to process and work out how much we expect to be able to handle, I am not sure at the moment where our limits lie.

On a different note, since the mc I crave being pregnant properly, viably etc. So it is definitely to early for us. The evening was helpful to bring out the conversation between us, what we want, why and how. Also, it is good to know it is there, even though I am determined (and SB agrees) to bring home the frosties first. The big question is what we do after that. I think SB will be ready to move on, but I might not be, much as I hate TTC by now.

I hope this helps a little. Big handhold to you. And pushing back appointments, making sure you're ready and can fit it round life is a sensible decision.

rabbit one other thing and I hope this isn't presumptuous, especially as I got off extremely lightly on the IVF train compared to everyone else. But for me the lowest moments were a) deciding to do IVF and having a 'oh f*ck has it come to this' feeling, like it wasn't real and b) when all my drugs arrived. Now I am carrying an IVF baby, I couldn't give two hoots about how it arrived here. Does that make sense? It doesn't make the misery and stress and panic any less real. But it has faded now I have a good result. Of course that only helps if you do get a good result. Sorry, am waffling, just wanted to add another thought.

thanks Lemon. I do feel 100% sure that if I was to be lucky enough to have my own baby (because going back to contraception, though a floating thought, isn't something I'm planning on doing this year at least) that would be it. I cannot imagine anything changing my mind there unless, say, ivf worked quickly or I got pregnant by accident (ha ha ha). I firmly decided this maybe 18 months ago. I do not want to do this again, that is for sure. The only reason that contraception feels appealing is that it would be a barrier to hope and waiting and letdown and probably the only thing to get rid of that in a complete way. That said, I can't quite picture having the dedication nor inclination to use condoms again. They are like old relics from a previous life.

So, if we were to extend said imaginary family, that would be through adoption. Adoption is part of H's life already and so it feels very right for us as a couple. I am fully aware through my work that this is no easy path and truth be told, I know my limits in terms of what I feel I could offer. That sounds clumsy, but I don't want to adopt a sibling group or older children. I feel I have to apologise for saying that, I'm not sure why. Adoption is most certainly a different way of parenting isn't it. I read the adoption boards regularly and have found that very helpful in sorting out my thoughts.

I am a bit waffly at the moment always sorry, lots of thoughts.

Thanks critter. I do see ivf as some huge physical awfulness like being in constant pain and depression. But it can't be as bad as the op can it?

pout hope you and Colin are relaxing together

sea can I ask why they say only 3 max of the intralipids, are they giving you a prescription for them or are they supplying the whole caboddle for you, I don't know where you live but do know of some places that usually do intralipids cheaper than clinics. I like to think I will climb down off the ledge now but I know things are still fragile even at this stage

critter you made my skin crawl with that roach story but I love the description of him, I lived in Aus and the only thing there that freaked and creeped me out were the roaches, my lovely neighbours used to poison them and they would then come and die in my garden

rabbit big paw squeeze, if you are not ready then postpone IVF, but to be honest after 3 months of contacting clinics then deciding DE and waiting 5 months for my go, I still didn't feel ready for how overwhelming it was, I cried alot at home and at the clinics as I found it difficult to process it all and then the sheer relief when ET was done and then the stress and pressure of knowing that all our hopes and dreams were riding on this working and that there was nothing more I could do. I have to say now I don't care how it happened I'm just so fucking grateful that it has.

One of the things they will ask you at the beginning of the adoption process is have you grieved for the loss of your biological child, my friend who has adopted two beautiful girls said she burst into tears at that point, they told her to go home grieve and come back in 6 months, having talked to a friend who adopted earlier this year I felt more at peace about the process, I had worked myself up into a frenzy about my past being so fucked up that they would tell me I wasn't good enough to adopt. She made the process feel manageable

joy I hope your IVIG went well. One step closer to the end game :)

Rabbit, my lap was nowhere near as big an op as you had and I can honestly say that Ivf was a walk in the park compared to the lap. Not even comparable. Ivf had no physical effects on me at all. I really did feel fine throughout it all. If I'd have got a bfp then I would have thought it was so easy, the hard bit was the emotional side of the failure. But, I got through that and I'm ready to go again.

rabbit I totally agree with mrsd. I think it affects everyone differently, but I honestly wasn't depressed when doing it (although EC was nerve-wracking and the 2ww was stressful) and it didn't hurt. Icing before injecting helped, and after EC I was uncomfortable due to OHSS (I felt very bloated and tender), but nothing as bad as what it sounds like you've already experienced. From what I hear the physical side for almost everyone is not that bad, it's the emotional side that can be hard.

buzz Australia is on another scale when it comes to scary wildlife. Again you have really wise words on IVF, I always feel a bit of a fraud as I had it so easy compared to almost everyone else on this thread. I suppose I'm at one end of the scale in all this, as I was lucky enough for it to work first time so I was spared the emotional plunge of it not working.

critter! I was just thinking about you today and wondering how you were getting on. The giant bugs sound terrifying.

rabbit I guess the way I've forced myself to get through it is my telling myself that it's only 4 weeks (or 6 weeks for LP) of my life and it'll be worth it if it works. Getting a BFP the first time made the next two cycles easier, because it felt like there was some point to it.

oh rabbit as mrsden says IVF is not even close to the lap, I had a lap for a giant cyst removal which was a bitch, the IVF in physical terms for me was not a big deal, just a bit uncomfortable for half a day post EC, not not comparable at all. Like critter I got off fairly lightly compared to many with IVF, just the setting that was a challenge not so much the procedures or drugs. joy my heart goes out to you, it sounds so stressful at your clinic. rabbit I experienced the opposite of joy in that I got a one-size-fits-all info-free version which can be a pain in itself. It is difficult to tell how it is going to be for you but as several people have said waiting is worse than doing.

pout wishing you success with Colin, greetings to returnees and newcomer, sorry I have to go but good weekends to all.

Rabbit much as I absolutely hated IVF, I am pleased I did it. Also, I don't do well on GA, so after my lap, where they only looked, it took me a week to go back to work. After EC I went to work the next day (and cycled to the ET the day after). So physically that is not hard at all. I just found the DRing drugs truly terrible and in my case the worst experience of all of this TTC lark but that was an individual side effect, that I seem to share only with euro so far. But remember, you don't have to it, is your choice in your time!

pout, have you got little Colin on board? Thinking of you!

Urgh at the beasties, critter. That sounds awful. Btw I don't think anyone getting near OHSS is getting through IVF lightly...

lemon - sorry I'm not quite up to date with the thread, are you due to have ET soon too?

pout - hope all went well with Colin

buzz - I had forgotten about our monkies Ginger wondered off in to the jungle some time ago but I'm sure she still throws poo at Mother Nature whenever she deals an unfair hand.

critter - Your office roach sounds terrifying. I grew up in the tropics and of all the snakes and spiders that can kill you out there, it was always the roaches that freaked me out the most. The mental image of of a gun toating, tobacco chewing roach swaggering past the desks with his boots spurs chinking is just too funny.

afm - thought cd1 had started yesterday but just one spot and then it stopped. I prey this isn't the start of something worse.

I type too slow so that's all for now. Hugs to you all and thank you for the welcome.

Giant cockroaches! I also grew up in the tropics and have been traumatised by those grim bastards forever. Ugh. I wish you quick de-verminising, critter.

rabbit, I can commiserate with you hugely, as I think I've held a similar view of IVF. And I'm also someone who's super cautious about exposing myself to iatrogenic risks - I've never had any type of operation ever (even on my hideous bunions, which really need something doing). I declined the lap I was offered to check for possible endometriosis because I just don't think the (albeit rare) risks of that elective procedure would have been worth any potential benefits for me. That said, everyone I know who's had IVF has said it wasn't that bad at all physically. And actually, there's so much potential for physical awfulness in pregnancy and childbirth, however it's achieved, that I've come to think of this as a sort of pre-trimester, and a chance to practice how I respond to what may be ahead, if that makes any sense. Anyway, that is what has felt right for me, and I hope you and the Hare find a way through this that feels right for you both.

Rambling. I think I might need to cheat and have a little coffee to get my brain properly in gear this morning. I can smell Mr Rum grinding fresh beans, so I'm basically obliged to make an exception.

Hope everyone has a good weekend ahead.

I've typed a long version. I then tried to type a short version. But that was almost as long. I'm very cross with Mr Nelly right now. {Jdow@:0^€}

Rabbit Big hugs to you. As usual I am a bit late to the party but my point of view on the whole IVF thing was needing to know that I had done everything I possibly could to achieve a BFP. I knew that if I hadn't tried it I would in years to come/on my death bed regret it and never be at peace with possibly never being a mum. As other have said I found the IVF so much easier than I expected. I think with all the talk about different protocols and the other jargon associated with it it can seem to be a massive thing. The reality was very different, it was surprisingly easy. The only real physical discomfort were a few headaches during downregging and a little bit of cramping after the ET nothing that I haven't felt a million times during my periods anyway! Compared to what you have been through with your fibroid it will be a cake walk for you. My advice would be go to your appointment, book the IVF in, do the injection lesson and then see how you feel. There's no pressure, if you want to delay you can but you haven't done anything drastic. Does your clinic have a counsellor you can talk to?

nelly Hope that things seem better this morning & that MrN is back to being all lovely and the twatiness pill has worn off. at snoring is not cute BTW

All this talk of creepy crawlies is alarming. I am one of those people who religiously check the bananas I buy from the supermarket for spiders of their sacs and then still get bitten by some bastard spider and am afraid of house plants that are too exotic!

joy I wanted to say that I am sorry you are under so much pressure with your clinic pushing for certain treatments and the associated work pressure for you. You don't deserve all this additional worry and I wish the universe would give you a break.

buzz I am having massive Ikea envy. They have a new catalogue don't they, does that mean they have got all new stock? Your Kayla and the curtains story was hilarious. Watching claws in my curtains would probably bring on some kind of aneurysm in me

Hello dulcet and welcome back coco

lemons when is ET for you? Still the 17th?

Ladies thank you for your kind wishes about the ET and sorry for not updating sooner but Friday turned into a very long day and felt like we were in London traffic all day! Anyway ET all went ahead as planned. Colin survived the thaw 80% intact and had reinflated (not the right technical term). After a surprisingly uncomfortable transfer he is back on board & we actually saw him this time on the monitor which makes me think that the embryo got squirted on the floor last time! Adding to the exercise debate on here, I also got told this time to do light exercise but nothing too strenuous and no heavy lifting. I was also told to avoid baths for two days...why weren't we told this before is anybody's guess. Am a bit because I know that the first thing I did last time on arriving home was have a bath since it is my de-stress thing!

Sorry for rubbish namecheck. Lots of love to you all. I'm off now to shower and then plant my Spring bulbs..I am such an old fart. MrP mentioned last night that he did not envisage his life turning out like this vis a vis sat next to his wife knitting on the couch and his dog with his cone of shame on her lap. Definitely not rock and roll enough for him

Pout – yippee to Colin being back on board. That is great news. Sorry it was an uncomfortable transfer. It’s strange how you are told new things every time. It would be good if there was just a standard list of dos and donts after ivf so that everyone doing it knows what to do.

Nelly – sorry to hear that MrN is in the bad books. Hope all is better today.

Rabbit – I have spent quite a bit of time looking in to adoption but I haven’t had a proper conversation with Roy about it. I read about it to help alleviate some of that fear of not being able to have our own bio family. But I know it’s not an easy or straightforward path. I don’t think we would be able to adopt in our current borough anyway. And I don’t believe we would be able to handle severely troubled children. But I think I would have to hit the menopause before I could honestly say to a social worker we have stopped trying naturally. The build up to ivf is horrible by the way. There is so much anticipation and worry and dread but once that first jab is done , you are on the road and for me all that anticipation dissipates and I feel I am at least doing something about our infertility. Apart from anything else, the trauma you had with your laps has probably terrified you of getting more treatment but I think you would be pleasantly surprised how more straightforward it is. But don’t forget you can have your appointment and say to yourself you don’t have to do it.

Lemon – I hadn’t realized you had been to an open adoption evening. That’s interesting. I think it’s lovely that and MrL think this may be an option even when you have your own children.

Critter – shudders at the massive cockroach doing the rounds!

Sea – I agree the waiting for the results is hell. Again it’s the limbo. Once you know what you are dealing with, you can handle it and plan.

Thanks ladies for letting me stress on here the other day. Well I reluctantly did ivig on Friday morning. I had sent a message to manager saying doctors appointment. But the clinic were running super late and I didn’t get strapped in until 11am so of course I sat there stewing and stressing. It was quicker than I thought because they do it quicker if you’re not pregnant so rolled in to the office at 2pm. Heart in mouth when manager said he wanted to speak to me about something at 3.30pm. Of course every scenario went through my head. turned out it wasn’t anything related. Roy wonders what the f* is wrong with me and wonders why I get so stressed about it but it’s difficult to explain or to understand myself why I get like this . I need to work for myself.
I see that there have been some important scientific developments in the role NK cells play in recurrent miscarriages and why steroids may help. This is really significant as it may lead to more evidence as to why steroids can help with repeated failed ivfs as well.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Yay pout so pleased all went ok. Sounds like Colin is a fighter. I hope the 2ww passes quickly for you. I did have a chuckle about knitting with the dog avec cone of shame on your lap. Sounds rather blissful to me but I am an A grade old fart, who likes nothing better than an afternoon down the allotment!

joy I hope everything is going ok with you. I have no idea how you have managed to keep work in the dark about the ivf with AGRC's approach and how you are managing to fit in both! You are one strong lady! I have everything crossed for you.

lemons good luck for lembie transfer later in the week.

rabbits I know very well the feeling about not wanting to do ivf. For me, it got worse just before each cycle and was some kind of pre cycle wobble. Now I am so so pleased we did it and it was worth every single jab, fanjo exposure and crying fit. This is the first time in 3 years that I have felt truly happy apart from all the worrying about things going wrong. Having said that, I'm not sure I could put myself through ivf again. I did find it physically hard, but I had a very atypical EC experience the first time and thinking back prob had a bit of post traumatic stress. And I went back for more, so it can't have been that bad. The 2nd time I made Mr G promise not to let me do it ever again, but that was with ohss looming over me, plus all the bleeding fears.The EC etc was all fine and I felt v well after it. It will all be a walk in the park compared to your big op. I have never had any kind of op until ivf, which I think I mistakenly thought of as some kind of lunch time procedure, which it is for some!

I always thought that after 3 bites at the ivf cherry, I'd be ready to give up and move onto adoption, but when I thought the FET had failed, I was definitely not ready to give up on getting pregnant. It was a v scary feeling as I knew we didn't really have any money etc to continue any kind of AC (we were hoping to try iui with DS).

But I think you have to find your own way through it all. I don't think I could do ivf if I didn't really want to, iyswim. If you decide to go for it, you will find reserves you never thought you had and doing things you thought you could never do. The emotional side is v hard, but if you have adoption as a back up I think it's easier. For me, the failures were in a way no different to the month on month failures, but the hard thing was being a step closer to never being pregnant. I think for us, we also knew that only icsi could get me pregnant with Mr G's child. We had a definite problem that ivf might help overcome, which helped me get my head round it.

Sorry for all the rambling! I just wanted to say something that may help! You will decide whatever is best for you and your family to be.

Lots of big luffs to everyone xx

X post joy. I totally understand why you would get stressed and also why you wouldn't want to tell work. I told my manager and that was it. It was nice to be able to have some kind of normality, where no one knew what was going on and just treated me normally and where I could focus on work and forget about the other stuff. Having said that, I did have a fair bit of time off around EC etc. I was wondering if you were going to have any PGD this time? Anyway hope you are feeling ok and having a nice break from work stress this weekend.

joy typical the clinic running late when is EC planned for, yes I saw the article about nk cells break through, I imagine it will still be some years off before the NHS starts to take an interest. I think its trying to carry on without IVF making such a big disruption to your daily life, especially as you don't want work to know what is going on, I'm the same if things run late.

With adoption you don't have to just use your borough you can choose others, its really your choice, something near is practical obviously

pout I nearly spat out my tea at the the cone of shame I threatened Kayla with hers when I found it, she gave me that I dare you to even try and survive look, the curtains I saw had quite a loose weave so she would just pull threads on them, at least they would then match the sofa Pehaps we should go to Ikea and leave the men behind :)

nelly sorry about Mr N

rum I do like the smell of fresh coffee in the mornings, that is Barrys job after sorting out the cat, its all about priorities here