TTC 10+ months part 16

[Buzzybee123]

New thread for the lovely 10+ers.

PS Euro hiding paper work is in vogue here too. We had to ask for the what-shall-we-do with the leftover embies paper several times because each time I hid it so well that it went missing. Not thinking, doing, feeling IVF sounds like a sensible plan.

Sorry lemons, I get confused trying to keep up with everyone. I didn't realise a trigger was involved with a frostie round. Is that to tell your body to prepare for a little embie? It's nice to think that it's going to be returned to its true home.

We have an appointment with the clinic in 2 weeks when we should get a date for starting. I'm hoping it will be short protocol again and that I can start on the next cd2 so a month today approx. But I have no idea if this will fit with what the clinic think so will have to wait and see. I am really dreading there being another waiting period. It will have been 6 months since the last round.

Welcome dulcet. Hopefully you will get that elusive bfp very soon.

Thanks all. And thanks Sea for that great advice over on FF. The trouble with the clinic is they are so busy although apparently it has quietened down which you would never know by this morning’s queues. They are a victim of their own success and you kind of have to go with it. So when you want to talk to someone about something or question something or say you can’t do something, I feel very much like I’m being a nuisance. They are dealing with hundreds of people at any one time. So they were adamant yesterday I had to be on standby today for my immunes treatment but what i didn’t articulate to the nurses was that I need more warning and I need a time because I can’t just turn around to work and say “I need to go right now”. But they can’t give times or warning as it depends on your blood results in the morning and then it has to be passed over to the big man. The nurse was telling me on the phone i had to do it today. I did tell the manager at my work back in Jan i had an immune issue as the argc kept putting me on standby and i had to pull out of meetings and suddenly dart off and it didn’t go down well. I felt guilty, embarrassed and my boss came to see me. I couldn’t admit to ivf because of redundancies at the end of last year and this would give them a perfect excuse. And of course the immune stuff all suddenly stopped and so I can’t bring myself to turn around and come up with these excuses again.

Anyway I’m now waiting for a phone call from the clinic. I left a note on my file this morning saying I cannot do immunes today in the hope I will be given an appropriate time tomorrow which may give me some time to form excuse as to why i need to take half a day’s leave at short notice. I have booked off from Wed next week for a week, hoping that will cover me for EC and ET. Again short notice hasn’t gone down well but I said i had to look after my grandmother but I’ve agreed to work at home even though I’m taking it as holiday! As for IVIG , I asked why this morning and it is because of the particular NK cells that are elevated. I honestly don’t think it’s a money making scheme. I spoke to a few ladies this morning and they said just go with what the head man says. These women had had 5 failed cycles elsewhere and then had their first child after having ivig at this clinic so they believed in it. So now i’m like arggghhhh.

Sorry you really don’t want to hear all about this!! I think it is just stressing me out plus the costs and I’m not sleeping properly plus 5am starts. Deja vu!!

Sea – i’m glad you have come up with a plan and i’m sorry about the guilt etc etc. I understand it. You will get your miniSea, it will pay off so don’t you worry.

Joy that sounds really difficult. It sounds like you're being incredibly conscientious. From the perspective of a friend I just think put yourself first, do whatever you think is best and reassure yourself its all working out cos that's all you can do really. Try not to stress about it though my god easier said than done. Thinking of you.

Sea that's so frustrating. Good if it means not starting till conditions are right. Did they say why it might have gone up?

Ten I went gluten free last year. After about a week I tried some gluten and felt awful. Its been very easy since that. Eating out is so easy everywhere has gf menus it seems.

Rum sorry ti hear of your dildocam cherry being popped. Fingers are crossed for you.

Mad your story is a great one you're very courageous. People's words here are lovely. Makes instadiffers seem kinda boring doesn't it.

Euro a break seems good you've been through q lot.

Nelly terror and knicker watch sounds familiar. Trying v hard to keep calm. What's your plan?

Bella Pout good luck

Lemons not long good luck too

Rabbit big waves

Waves everyone I missed

Hi dulcet welcome

Dulcet – Welcome to the thread. I’m sorry you find yourself on here but you are in good company and these ladies are incredibly supportive. Good luck with your blood results. I hope you get that ironic pre IVF BFP that I always hear about. It’s got to happen to someone on here! And just ask if anything doesn’t make sense on here.

Joy – Don’t worry about off loading on here. We are all here for you. I am sorry the expense and work arrangements are adding to the stress of what is already something v stressful. I agree with you that I don’t think the clinic is doing it to make extra cash. I don’t think the big man cares much about money … much more about his legacy and fame and ego. I do know IVIG is used for specific types of elevated NK cells. I kind of think going to them means handing over control somewhat but I really do empathise with the worry about cost. I know how expensive IVIG is. As I said, I think you can insist on a different course of treatment but in most cases people do go along with what they say. But you must never feel like you are being a nuisance. If you are unhappy or unsure you must insist on talking to a doc. Who is the doc that calls you back usually? I have figured out that they assign you to a particular person but the big man oversees the treatment plan. It might be worth calling and insisting that you want to talk to him about your concerns. As for the ivig… It’s eye wateringly expensive but I would properly go for it if I was in your shoes. Re work, I’m really sorry it’s all causing so much stress. Their regime is v intensive and it’s no wonder so many ladies give up work to focus on treatment if they cycle there. I had turned down 2 projects in autumn in preparation for treatment which won’t happen now. I think taking some time off for EC and ET is a good idea. It will help with the stress levels at least. A big hug and handhold to you Joy. I am really hopeful this is the one for you.

Lemons – V exciting times! May you follow in the footsteps of Cosmos on the FET success!

Euro – I think a break is a good and busy work life always helps with prevent too much mentalling! Oct is not too far away though…

MrsD – I am sorry for the long wait you have had. 6 months does seem awfully long and I bet v frustrating. Hopefully this upcoming appointment will set in motion for your next round.

joy I suppose if you don't do IVIG then you could end up regretting it, as for being a victim of their own success its more down to lack of planning, if you start someone on a protocol on a certain date then they will know you need to start your immune treatment on a certain date after that, they should be organised enough to book your immune treatment in advance instead of expecting you to drop everything at short notice, the last thing you need is extra stress and pressure. You and they need to remember that you are the paying customer so you are hardly a nuisance :)

pout I shall be thinking of you tomorrow when you collect Colin

Joy, it does sound difficult, I can see why you're feeling stressed. If I were you, I would phone in work sick tomorrow. It is much easier to take the whole day off than try and worry about gettin away for half a day. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.

I don't buy this victim of their own success thing. More patients means more money which should mean more staff and better processes. It seems a bit odd that the big guy has to oto make the decisions for everyone. What happens when he is on holiday or sick? Women go to them when they are desperate and I suspect that means their "customers" are willing to put up with crap service. I'd put up with anything of it meant I got a baby at the end of it.

Goodness there is so much happening for people on here at the moment, I haven't posted for three days and feel totally behind.

Sea I was so sad to read that you are still not off the starting blocks, what a stressful situation. You have had such a difficult year and you are doing amazingly well. The inertia of roadblocks is one of the most stifling, tear your hair out aspects of ttc so I really empathise here. I only know the basics of immunology which is not ideal really as I have always had a strong inkling that this might be one of my (many) issues. Humira certainly sounds like a beastly drug but give it another go and we will all be here to listen and hand hold when it is tough.

Pout as you know I have a strong aversion to the number 13 and 9 (blush) but was heartened to hear that this is actually lucky in different countries. Hurray! And it will be a great story to tell Colin. And when he is scribbling all over your new wallpaper with a crayon you can blame his auspicious date. Sorry to hear about big dog but how lovely of you to sleep by him. You are going to make an amazing mum.

Joy, your clinic sounds very different to mine which so far seems to be sleepyville. It sounds like an awful lot of stress and pressure that you don't need but I imagine weighing this up with the potential of it being the key you do need kind of helps you arrive at an answer. I know I couldn't hack that kind of cycling but think it is truly ace that you are somewhere that has such a clear vision of what works. I think I will get a cookie cutter approach if I actually do do ivf (more of later). Your work really doesn't sound good for the soul if you don't mind me saying. Your colleagues sound horrible! Have you thought of leaving or has ttc made this an impossible choice? My temper would have driven me to walk out long ago. A temper is not a good thing though so not advocating this, it has gotten me into all sorts of trouble.

Rum dildocams are fun aren't they!? I am always repulsed by the condom they put on them. Like many others on here I am into double figures now. No one is yet to find my left ovary! It does exist but I don't ever feel pains from it. Do you have a protocol?

Euro, I am glad you are taking a rest. It is exhausting.

Welcome dulcet. While most on here are quite far down the path of trying, where you are now doesn't feel like a distant memory at all. It is good that initial tests haven't shown a problem and you are still well within the realms of normal amounts of time to try. We have had quite a lot of bfps at the 18 months mark so keep the hope and you are very welcome here.

Mrsden so glad you are approaching a new cycle. I still feel adamant that your last cycle just had a few timing issues and that this will be the one.

Lemon, come on fet lembie all quietly on ice - it is your time!

Nelly - when do you reckon you will give it another go?

Cos and Mad I am touched at your uphill journeys to get to where you are now and still keep feeling happy feelings at your bfps. I can only imagine the knicker watch feeling and wish I could take that away so you could fully bask in the glory of it all. Big loves to you all.

Things are not so good my end. I was fine but have, for the first time since Nov 2010, not tried this month. I haven't wanted to put myself though yet another cycle of failed hope and this is when I should be really trying hoping for that elusive pre ivf bfp. I just haven't had the energy or inclination. What has saddened me is that Hare appears to have also given up thinking that this could happen naturally. He has always been so optimistic and this is the first time he has openly said he doesn't think we will do it without ivf. He has only stated what is reasonable and most likely true but it has gutted me. Even though I have struggled to keep up with his unending optimism, I didn't realise how much it kept me going.

For a while now I have been turning over the idea of officially stopping trying ie using contraception. It is like a little thought I have looked at and then put away again. But it is getting stronger and stronger and I lay awake last night for hours weighing up not trying assisted conception and moving onto adoption in a year or two. This doesn't seem to be a conundrum many people have faced on this thread and I feel surprised by its force. It is like when you have that first thought and realisation that you want to break up with someone and after that you can't stop thinking about it. I think, that rapidly approaching three years of ttc, with major surgery behind me and indications of ovaries way past their prime - I am not convinced I want to keep putting myself through the torture of waits and heartbreaks. The thought of liberating myself from this nightmare, grieving and moving on is feeling very alluring.

Rabbit, I understand where you're coming from. Some days I do think that once I accept I'm not going to have children (adoption isn't an option for us because of our nomadic lifestyle) then I'd be ok and life will be good again. But, I feel like I have to give Ivf a go and then I will always know we exhausted the treatment possibilities. But, we don't have adoption as a possibility for now so that may be why. Having been trough one round I can honestly say that the physical side of it is fine. I was also fine emotionally until the end of the 2ww and I won't lie, I was the lowest I've ever been for a while afterwards. I'm still prepared to go through with it again because I really, really , really want our baby. At the moment the plan is two more rounds and then give up and move on.

I agree with MrsD. For me I too have a plan and an Out. If this ends by D-Day without success, I am buying myself a new hobble and becoming newly obsessed and full on competitive, like I was when I was young. I know this can fulfil me and its the only thing that keeps me going. As in, I have to know how to stop.

Hello dulcet, great name. Sorry about the weird language we speak!

G'luck tomorrow Pout and Colin

Joy I am feeling every stress with you. Thankfully my work wasn't so difficult to get away from but that's why I didn't do acu the second time, the appointments were too complicated to arrange as well as the scans etc.

Grr phone typing stressing me so that's all for now.

Heavy day on here, hope everyone is ok.

pout - tight squeeze for the fet. Have a great feeling for you. This can work, hold on tight.

lemon - good luck for your fet too, so much hope for you. Hooray to not downregging.

joy - my goodness me, what a stressful situation. I think buzz speaks a lot of sense about you being the paying customer and they need to provide a full service in every sense which should be fed back. But right now you need a plan. Doing the ivig sounds like a good plan (although annoying to find yourself in this position). As cos says be kind to yourself and take time off work where you can. Oh joy, nobody deserves this less. I wish it could all be smooth sailing, I am thinking of you and have bag fulls of hope for you.

cos and mad - hope you are both ok and taking each day as it comes. Has the news sunk in?

rabbit - oh honey sorry for the new emotional curve ball of hare losing hope of spontenious conception. I can understand why you feel sad about that. Your analagy about wanting out of assisted conception like a failing relationship helped me to understand your thought process. I am sorry you are in turmoil. I understand the desire to end the drama and upset. Our stuations are dam hard. If you did adopt eventually, would you still wonder / hope for natural conception? Or would you be able to turn a corner? I think it is worth exploring what led you to go forward with ivf. But what is now leading you away? Are there new fears about it not working or do you feel that regardless of the outcome of ivf, this option is just not for you? For what its worth I dont think your ovaries are old. I wonder about immune / thyroidy stuff but I dont think you are incapable of conceiving a baby. But rabbit, your spirit and soul are as important as your physical body and if your spirit doesnt want this, then that is more than fine sweetheart. Just make sure you allow yourself time and space to think it all through. Im probably talking rubbish. Just want you to know I am here and listening. Xxx

Rabbit I remember your posts from when you had a TTC break post op and you were so much happier at one point, it just shows what a strain continual TTC puts on a person. Maybe a month or two off as a break is what you need? Do u know what timescales the IVF clinic is talking have you some flexibility? Big hugs.

Thanks all. What a lovely group you are! I know I am quite early in the journey compared to some on this thread but then I am much further than those on some of the others - just stuck in between! Going to the docs last week was the first step towards identifying there might be an issue that needs sorting. It felt quite empowering really. Obviously secretly hoping it will scare my body into doing what it is supposed to but probably wishful thinking.

It all sounds very alien to me but you just don't know that you will ever find yourself there. You all seem to be dealing with it all very well.

Hey guys,

Not sure if you remember me, I was here about 10-11 months ago.
Had a break from mn and it did help reduce my menkulling but lurking back on here I remembered why I loved having your support.

Big congrats to mad and cos for your recent updiffing!!

I'm now 2 years 4 months in to my ttc journey and sadly not much more informed on what's causing us issues since I left you guys. A selection of tests have neither confirmed nor ruled out PCOS. Had my second mc six months ago which put the brakes on things as apparently it proves I can conceive and therefore just need to wait. Next appointment is next month after another full set of cd2 tests are done.

I'm currently in the 2ww (which often turns in to a 3 or 4 ww- a LOT of dog years) the earlier comment about poking boobs every 15 mins did make me chuckle as that's exactly what I've been doing this last week.

rabbit I can totally sympathise with your feelings. MrC has said he doesn't want to go for IVF and I don't feel adoption is right for me. These passed few days I have started to feel like I would love to leave this all behind, get back to shagging for fun and stop analysing my pants every time I go for a pee. I'm 18months away from 40 and think that may end up being my D-Day.

Time to do the washing up before bed. Waves and non-mn hugs to you all.

C.

Good luck for your lucky day tomorrow, pout!

Lembie II back where he belongs soon now, lemon.

joy, your situation sounds so stressful and difficult, and I'm so sorry your workplace isn't being more supportive. Did you get a call with a plan for tomorrow?

rabbit sounds like you're thinking through some tough things. I know what you mean about relying on Hare's optimism, though - when my husband first admitted that he thought it seemed we wouldn't get knocked up without intervention I felt that as such a blow, even though I'd been thinking that for many more months than he had. We've decided (at the moment, I know these things can change - once upon a time I never thought I'd go forward for IVF at all!) to have just the one fresh cycle we get offered on the NHS where we are, and then maybe pay ourselves for one or 2 FETs if we get lucky enough to get frosties. And that will be it for us. Knowing where and when to draw the line can't be easy, but I think ultimately you have to weigh up which options seem to be less damaging to your relationship with Hare, and your own health and happiness.

Welcome back, coco. Sorry you find yourself here again! I've just about poked my boobs into soreness by now, not that that means a damn thing, of course.

dulcet I'm just at the beginning of my treatment pathway, so I'm just learning my way through much of the technical stuff as well!

Oh and rabbit, I'm just doing my clinic's standard protocol. They didn't seem remotely interested in my FSH, beyond remarking almost in passing that it was high. So downregging by sniffing for about a month or so, then stimming with Gonal F I think, Ovitrelle trigger, fanny bullets. Fingers crossed it all goes smoothly and I respond to all the drugs as I should!

I spent the evening at a sewing course and I am knackered. Who knew sewing could be so exhausting? Clearly not me, the Least Crafty Woman In The World.

rum that is why i quilt. Lots of straight lines, no pattern to follow and noone else will know if it isn't quite the same size that I intended it to be when I started it Your plan sounds reasonable. Like Mrsd we have always said three rounds and that's all. Stats looked good with that number and it seemed a sensible line to draw. We would absolutely have gone on to adoption next. I never thought I would do if either and it helps me a bit to forgive the people who think that we should just accept infertility. Until you have faced the monthly heartbreak you don't know what you'll do. rabbit I have friends who opted not to try ivf. They are almost through the adoption process and I think it was right for them. She still finds it hard to completely let go of the desire for a biological child but she has a lovely family. You and hare will work out what's right for you and your family xx

joy I hope things are clearer tonight. I have no advice, just a hand to hold. Take care of yourself.

Good luck tomorrow pout!!! This bonanza is not over yet.

Welcome to dulcet and coco (welcome back in your case). I am very sorry you are here but it's a great place.

Like nelly I am fed up with phone posting so off for now. Big waves to all!

Fecking phone - if = ivf

Good luck pout and welcome back colin.

sea - just wanted to say what a shitty hand you have been dealt and how sorry I am, that things are being put back once more.

hello and welcome to dulcet and coco - you will find this thread a great source of support but I hope your stay is a short one.

But I could not leave the house without saying Massive Good Luck to pout and Colin today. I have everything crossed for you!

Welcome back coco. I'll read the rest when I am procastinating later!!

Good luck today pout !

Just popping in quickly to wish the poutster lots of good luck for today. Hope you aren't too nervous lovely and that all goes well.

Just a quick one to say my thoughts are with the lovely pout and colin today... you will be reunited today. Yay!

Also thinking about joy, I hope you made a decision you are comfortable with re ivig and work buttheads are leaving you alone... you are too good to them.

Welcome to coco. You are in fab company.

Pout - best of luck today, thinking of you!

Coco - welcome back. I am sorry to hear about another miscarriage. I often think back to my first natural pregnancy and m/c and the favourite line of the doctors was "at least you know everything is working". It does put you in limbo and for most it is a matter of time so I hope you don't have to wait too long for a bfp.

Sar - how are you doing lovely? How many weeks are you and Gin now?

Lemon - I totally missed your post yesterday. I can't believe you are set to go again. Your snowy lemons are going to work for you , I feel it.

Oh what would I do without you girls. It is so helpful being able to offload and I so appreciate you taking time to get back to me..
Dearest Cos - much to my detriment , I am overly conscientious and feel guilty if I take time off. I wish I was like the office rat here, he takes off several days a month because of sickness which we all know is a hangover. But he gets away with it because he is a dominant a-hole and the manager wouldn't dare say anything.
I hope you are doing ok and taking every day as it comes.

Sea - thank you so much. I have always told you & anyone Who goes to the clinic to just go for it and do as they say. I am not very good at practiciding what I preach! I think you must get called by a doc for your immune stuff, you see I am only ever called by a nurse. That's annoying that you turned down those two projects. It is pretty difficult to plan things whilst in the middle of things.

Rabbit - I do actually enjoy my job but there are a couple of people including manager who are tricky. And you're right they don't make it good for the soul! It's hard when it is such a small comapny.
I always find your posts thought provoking. I find it interesting what your head/heart is thinking. Whilst I often think about adoption and whilst i dont put much effort into ttc now, I have never got in to that position of actually stopping TTC and using contraception. You have had an emotional ordeal and it takes its toil. There is only so much battering someone can take and I understand that need to be liberated. I think for me I feel i can take a few more years of battering unless I have another m/c and then I will say enough is enough. I ultimately need to know I did everything possible before I can move on.
I would admire you so much if you were able to say no to AC, grieve and move on to adoption. I sometimes feel like a complete fool who is stuck in some sick gambling game - chasing a dream and ploughing my money in to something that may never reap a reward. I often think I should have just let nature make the decision as ultimately no doctor can truly tell me what the cause of our infertility is . I like Doll's way- adoption and then AC later which ultimately worked.
For what it's worth though, I think if you were to go down the ivf route, you would have a damned good chance considering you have got so close naturally before. But I understand completely that you may not want to put yourself through the turmoil.

Anyway clinic asked me to go in yesterday for ivig even though there was a big note on my file. I said no and asked if I could do it this morning. I was told it wasnt the optimum and it is all planned to my cycle. i should have told the nurse that telling me all this just adds more pressure to my situation with work! and i really cant believe doing it 18 hours later is going to be make much difference, no?I am now waiting to go and have it done. I have just emailed manager and said emergency doctors appointment so I will have to take it off as leave. I don't know why I feel so bad doing that. I am just going with ivig because if the cycle fails I will always wonder what if.

Big waves to all I have missed.

Am back and ready to talk. Just been reading back and wanted to start by saying, sorry about all the clinic/work-stress joy. I think they are making it far more difficult for you than needed. So GRRR on your behalf as well as good luck with tough decisions.

Sea I am sorry about your test outcomes and the continued stay in limbo-land. It is tough. Thinking of you, even if I hadn't mentioned something before.

Rabbit I totally sympathise. SB has been less optimistic than me for most of our journey, but he's been quite keen on IVF, as a way to get closure and move on. So we did IVF a little before I was completely ready. The result of course is closure miles off (with the frosties, after this month, there are a fair few more lembies to pick up from the Ice Hotel, as we've christened it). But we've been talking alternative routes a lot too. In fact, we've been to information evenings about adoption and fostering. For SB this would be a complete answer to the childlessness thing, but I do crave "our own". So for now we've agreed we're picking up all the lembies, if that leads nowhere discussing options with our clinic as well as seriously pursuing other ways. I don't think I could go back to anticonception, but then I have very little hope of natural wonders and found AC either fiddly or insanity inducing (the pill).

Right, time to do some actual work, but thinking of you all!

That screen was open for a long time, so X-post with joy. Good luck and please don't feel too guilty! You are too good to be working in the environment you are, I think!