The BESH Old Skool Gin Palais: if you're name's not down, you're not coming in

[FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn]

Cream walls? Check
Pit of Doom? Check
Obscene amount of gin in well stocked bar? Check

The BESH Gin Palais is open to those who fit our demanding criteria. Seek out the BESHtionnaire and prove yourselves worthy - under 30s and instadiffers will be escorted from the premises

Was it sinky that sent a text like: (o) (o) to help her fella along? :)

Seriously, it's probably a bit awkward for him but they'll be totally used to it and he'll just be able to get on with it. He'll just have to see it as a functional exercise.

Ha ha. Imagine him stopping halfway through to read a text, then carrying on with renewed vigour!

Haha!

If someone gave me a supply of porn, a vibrator and a private room (albeit a clinical one) I reckon I could, er, manage to enjoy myself if I had to. It might take a bit longer, but I could manage it. And I was given the option of doing that or being naked from the waist down and in stirrups with people of both sexes bustling about the room, I know which I would choose...

Three minutes. Four max

I haven't had a single man involved yet. I'm anxious about that too. Even my GP is a woman.

I did not even notice my little slip :) I wish we did have a dedicated 'loving room' :) As far as MATV is concerned the bedroom these days is strictly for rest and recovery. He's such a knob sometimes.

Glad your feeling a bit better moll. I find a meltdown very therapeutic sometimes, even if it is completely knackering.

No experience on the wanking front for gents at clinics as yet Hest but they must be very used to it so I'm sure they will be very professional. MATV is always going on about stunt wanking so wont have any problems so he reckons However, like Euro I think I could probably manage it if left alone for 10 minutes I sent a naked photo of myself (side on natch - don't want to be too rude!) to MATV once when he went to a stag do overnight, I don't think he was that bothered! :( God, where did the days of three/four times a day go? :( :(

Your thread is the funniest thing I have read in ages. Please may I join in ?

1. Do you like gin ? Not in this life. I much prefer wine cos I is well posh. However, I have had regressive therapy in the past and I discovered that in the 1880's I was a proper dirty gin addled whorebag called Meg who took it in both holes. Just for fun.

1. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar ? Neither. I treat men with the contempt the fuckers deserve. And they LOVE it.

1. Baybee making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole to do you use:

a) weewee b) poopoo c) foofoo d) neither - you just pray to the baby Jebus.

With my eggs I'll try it in the fucking earhole if it helps. And let it be known that I ain't taking it up the poopoo chutney for no man. Well, apart from Robbie Williams because he's a proper dirtbox. But the right answer is obviously praying to the baybee Jebus whilst sprinkling baby dust all over the room. Don't you lot know anything ?

1. Testing. When someone wonders if they should test for updiff, do you:

a) bellow 'POAS' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys until they wet themselves anyway ? b) sprinkle them with baby dust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle angel baby wings ?

I say 'all the best of luck'. I think 'that means you've had seks in the past couple of weeks and you're a right fucking minger'. I excuse myself, grab the nearest bottle of wine and lock myself in a room to howl like a mental and rage at the universe.

1. Is R2D2:

a) an adorable robot from Star Wars b) the source of all evil ?

Star Wars is for spotty geeks who sit in their jizz encrusted underpants playing World of Warcraft or some other pointless pixie shit fucking nonsense. It's a cultural point of reference which is lost on me so I'll go for (b) just because I can.

1. How many pets do you have ?

Just one very naughty black pussy.

1. Inappropriate (read weird) crush of shame ? Jimmy Nail. I shit you not. Oh, and I used to fancy Gonch from Grange Hill. If anyone remembers him, you deserve a medal. Clue: he was ginger. I know, I know.....

1. Lesbian crush ? I love women but couldn't eat a whole one. And while Sue fucking Perkins is one, I'm definitely not even contemplating supping from the furry cup because she makes me want to boot the telly with my size sevens. A LOT.

1. What are your views on camping ? Fucking crap.

10. How much money have you spent on sticks to urinate on ?

Not much. I used to try to save money by pissing on old ice lolly sticks.

Why would I like to join this thread ? Because you're quite cool, you lot.

Now, may I come in ? It's fucking cold outside.

Hello euro and norf and spunk !

Noks xx

Being a differ I don't get a say but I like your use of foul language. Although I don't think the BESH try to be 'funny'.

'Funny' in a 'why is this happening to me' way. You need a bit of gallows humour in all this to keep you sane. Congrats on being diffed jethro

Jeff, I try. Clearly I rarely succeed though...

noks as far as I am concerned, you're in. You know half of us from the IVF fred anyway.

Ooo, our first newbie of the fred. Welcome Nokkie, you obv know a few posters, but care to share your TTC "journey" so the rest of us can catch up?

I don't know you. Tell me everything

Are we funny? We just try and look after each other.

Oh we are funny in a tongue in cheek manner. Hello Nokkster. Tell us everything

Ooooohhhh I am nervous now.

Ok, so ttc for four and a half years. Had a MC six months in and no luck since. All results fine until mid-2012. Was waiting until April 2012 for Surrey to reinstate IVF funding, then had to repeat tests and they went totally haywire (because I am a 39 year old hag I suspect). Surrey said 'your results are shit luv so we're not funding you'. Mum and dad funded us through IVF funding this year and got a BFN on 30th March. No frosties. Back to square one. Fucked off doesn't even cover it. Angry and bitter and frustrated and a but mental might though.....

Sorry about the struggles Nokkie, but you definitely sound like you'll fit in around here. When do you start your next round of IVF?

Nokkie you sound spot on. Very sorry about all the shit. IVF after a self funded cycle always seems to me the most galling thing of all.

And I am truly grateful to have someone older than me around

You definitely sound like a BESH candidate to me! :) I'm Faith, 37+5 with my first baybee after a 2 1/2 year trial. Ready to pop now to be fair but still lurk in these parts. Wave Pom poms around and the like....

So am I in ? It's just cos it's still cold out here and I haven't got a padded bra on. I've gone a bit, um, 'nippy' waiting and have had some strange stares from passers by.

hester are we talking about a full year or what ? We're you the oldest here ? I need to know before I snatch the heated booties and peepee soaked nightie from you and wander off to get my ovaltine from Matron.

frankly got my review on Tuesday. I think I need a bit of a break from it to sort myself out but possible July time. I can't twat about for too long though because I am an old person.

faif I hope I've covered everything. If you want to know more, just ask away.

euro thank you for ushering me in

Noks x

I was 38 the other day

Shall I wash the nightie for you?

The old thing is what makes me most anxiously, personally. Ideally I would do two cycles of IUI now, or even three, and then have a break until next winter to do the IVF if the IUI hasn't worked. But Time Is Not On My Side. I know where you're coming from there...

ANXIOUS, not anxiously.

faif congrats on de baybee in de tumtum.

Oh get in and have some wine, woman.

And put the high beams away. ;)

hester no need to wash it. I'm a right slovenly bitch, truth be told.

IUI worked for a friend on mine on her third go. She did back to back cycles and has just dropped her sprog. She thought she'd try it before going for full blown IVF so it's a decent plan. What's your journeeeee (if you don't mind me asking) ?

YABU for using the word journey. What is this? Strictly?

TTC for three years, not even the sniff of a diff. Referred a year ago for investigations. All unexplained though I do have very low AMH. His sperm count is ridiculously high - Wanker! After two cancelled cycles....grrrrrrr....am finally about to be scanned and stuff this week after stabbing drucks into my belly for the last eight days. We'll see how many follies I have been cooking in the morning.

Ooo, new blood welcome, noks, and sorry to hear about your experiences of the shitness that is barrenness.

If we're doing intoductions... I'm draf, I'm one of the youngest BESH (30), TTC 3.33333333 years and "unexplained" infertile. The closest I've been to diffed is two instances of a 6-day late droid, which is why I'm militant about waiting a whole week before POAS. I'm going for surgery to investigate/remove an ovarian cyst and potentially dilated tube at the end of May, and hopefully we'll be able to get on the list for IVF ASAP after that. My partner in crime is HOTB (him on the bike), he is similarly youthful and a font of strength and occasional black humour.

We went on a lovely long bike today (I am nearly dead), and were talking about possibly getting me measured for a new saddle. I said "well the machine won't give a verdict of 'childbearing hips', anyway" to which HOTB suggested the readout might just flash BARREN in massive letters until the shop man rebooted it...

Hahaha, not lovely long bike, but lovely long bike ride. Although tandems ARE fun...