TTC 10+ months Part 13

[buzzybee123]

A very friendly and supportive thread for those taking way longer than they had ever expected to make a baby.

Art I'm also a burner. I'm not a bad cook, but easily distracted!

How are you feeling now? The 2nd tri is supposed to be the "easiest" isn't it?

Joy I'm thinking of you.

Gin I hope you are feeling better.

buzz I suffered from migraines as a teen and then had one stonker when I was on Letrozole this time last year, so I am sure they are hormonal for me. They are dreadful, so you have my sympathy!

doll how are you doing? I had my first teeny tiny hint of nausea this afternoon. I'm not sure I would have noticed it if I hadn't been watching out for it. I still have the early waking (getting worse), and I reckon my boobs have gone up a size - I am spilling out of my bras!

Morning lovely 10+ers!

I haven't got the brain-space for a proper catch up, but how are you all?!

Thinking of the newly and very diffed, the stabbers, the waiters, the peerers at other couples in the waiting room (we do that too, so I reckon everone does, I had a really nice chat with the girl I shared a room with post-lap about IF shit), those in the tent (have some tea and biscuits before you go back onto cocktails) etc.

Here the news is AF arrived with a vengance early this morning and I feel decidedly rough :( because I convinced myself we'd managed it naturally but hey. It is Sunday and I am not going to work, and am about to convince SB to come and play outside.

Art - thank you for those stats. I guess the emotions of the situation and 3 long years are getting to me. I really appreciate your comments in response to my sadness and and those from others too. Its helpful to be reminded that instadiffs have it stacked against them too. Where would I be without you ladies.

Euro - great news about the increased cup size and nausea.

Doll - you ok honey? Is the good news sinking in.

Joy - hope you are ok. xx

Pout - oh my goodness, what the hell happened to you two this weekend? Crikey - you couldn't write it. Hope the leg is less hurty and DH is on the mend - ouch!

Lemon - we are AF / " thought I was up the duff twins". Mine came over night with a vengance too and hurt like hell. I guess I need to remember that its only 5 weeks since I was on the operating table having nearly 2 hours worth of surgery. What was it that made you think you might have cracked it this month Lemon? - did you have some symptoms or was it more a feeling? Big hugs I know how horrid it is. I felt implantation - damn sure of it, but AF arrived as prompt as ever, the bitch.

So I am still feeling rotten although now AF is here at least the uncertainty is over. I am feeling quite "meh" and to be honest very "waaaaah" and quite shitty indeed. Dh feels the same. We feel like we are always putting on a smile for others and pretending. I'm sure others here can identify with that. We have some good frieds coming over in an hour for a meal - the chicken, butternut squash and rosemary casserole is simmering away as I type. It is the couple where the guy announced at a night out that DH "knows his way around the masturbatorium" . The wife is lovely and he is usually nice enough but gobby. Just can't be bothered though. I feel exposed, some people know too much. I can't be bothered to explain where we are up to. They can't possibly get it. Wish some people didn't know about the IVF and surgery etc, makes it harder to pretend we are not focusing on ttc which is what I want people to think. Sorry feeling very sorry for myself. I have been invited to more social events during the last and next few weeks than I have been invited to in 10 years. I am not ungrateful and realise not everyone has this, but I am in a mood to go to our favourite seaside place, each chips and choc lick and hide away. Not make small talk with 'concerned and pitiful' looking relatives and freinds.

Ok am off, need to stir the casserole.

Wishing the newly and not so newly pregnant ladies lots of healthy but non too unpleasant symptoms and I seriously hope all you ladies are enjoying your well deserved pregnancy glow. Hello to everyone, hope you are having a good weekend. xx

sarlat your posts are always so lovely and thoughtful even when you feel so ruddy awful yourself. You are amazing. I'm sorry that you have unwanted house guests today (your casserole sounds lovely BTW!) I can completely identify with most of what you wrote, the feeling of wanting to withdraw and feelings of being exposed. I wish nobody (except my sister) knew that IVF was on the cards (makes me want to throttle my mother). I guess it makes me feel like a freak and very pressurised. I haven't let on to anybody that this is the cycle. I am avoiding the telephone. I am toying with letting my sister know because I know that she will be a good source of support when it goes tits up but at the same time I'm afraid of saying it out loud in case I jinx it.
I think the three year mark does funny things to your state of mind. I certainly felt a shift in my thinking and felt very "meh". The intensity kind of goes but at the same time I view babies and that whole world very differently. I guess I am more aware of the glass wall between me and other women with babies and children.
I am so sorry that you felt sure that something happened this month. Reading what you were saying about implantation and the sensations I reckon this has happened to me a quite a few times. I think it is only natural sarlat that the cycles after your operation will be loaded with expectation. Mine were after the lap. I think there is an element (for me anyway) of "well I have done more than my bit, it's time for the universe to deliver". Anyway big hugs and I hope that your guests are well behaved

lemons I am sorry that you too are loitering around the tent. Mother nature can be a prized arse sometimes. Hugs for you too.

art hello, it always nice when you come back! Thanks for your advice about what to expect. That's one of the things I love about this Fred. I was saying that to MrP when he suggested I call the clinic with a question about injecting (I will come to that!) I told him that I would get quicker and better advice on here
I understand why you would want to keep your cards close to your chest RE announcing things. It is totally your decision and I think entirely natural. I can never understand the people who sing it from the roof tops at the first sniff of a positive pee stick!

Well ladies can I ask an injection question? Is it normal to have a little of the Buserelin leak out of your skin immediately after injecting? And, do you continue to pinch your skin whilst plunging the stopper of the syringe? So many questions!

Thank you ladies for the kindness about my leg. After sleeping on it it feels a lot less painful but I still can't put weight on it. I reckon if I rest it some more it will be okay!

Pout - yes a drop of leakage after is normal. I use to hold on to the flab of skin pre, during and a couple of seconds after the needle had come out. It was a process that worked for me. Pinching a blob of skin in-between my fist helped me to see it as a 'seperate' piece of flesh from the rest of my body which makes sticking a needle in ones own skin a little easier -that is a good tip actually for anyone else worrying about injecting themselves.

And Pout thank you so much for your kind words. Its just such a rollercoaster and I want to get off but don't really iykwim. The fear of a sibling announcement hangs over me like a dark cloud too. Not in a jealous way, just in a "what does this mean for me / lots of pity etc" way. Best of luck with this cycle sweetheart. Don't worry about if you should or shoudn't tell your sister. If you get an massive urge to do so, then tell her. If you are not sure, sit on it. I will be cheering you on 100% superstar Pout. xx PS, yes rest that leg.

pout I've heard of someone being told to pinch to get the needle in and then let go, but I pinched all the way through. I bunged cotton wool on it the second I took the needle out, so any leakage would have gone straight into the cotton wool, so I didn't see it, but I am sure it was there.

sar I think it has all been said really well by others. I hope you are doing alright. x

I am still living in a state of half denial. The couple we just had over for lunch asked me what my due date was and I said "I can't think that far ahead - I'm focussing on the 6 week scan at the moment". I am still of the mindset that pregnancy is something that happens to other people.

Thank you for the advice. I have been continuing to pinch the skin throughout but MrP reckoned that the clinic said to let go once the needle was in (which he thought sounded wrong anyway) so I panicked when I started to get some leakage the last couple of times. I'll press on as I am You're so right sarlat about the bunched up bit of flesh somehow feeling less like a part of yourself and therefore easier to inject into. This is probably the only time in my life I have been glad of that muffin top!
Yes a sibling pregnancy would be my ultimate nightmare so you have my sympathy though, as MrP keeps reminding me, there is more chance of my nephew getting a girl into trouble at the moment since he seems determined to push all boundaries right now! A sibling pregnancy would just be so impossible to hide from or step back from, I think that is the fear.

euro I think we need to coin a term for our lovely newly preggers people who are still shellshocked & don't think of themselves as pregnant yet It must seem strange to be put on the spot like that by your friends. It hardly seems 5 minutes since you and MrEuro found out yourselves! That is, I guess one, of the issues with IVF and people knowing that you are having it. They expect an answer on whether it has worked pretty much instantaneously, there's just no fudging it is there. I'm still so pleased for you and doll BTW and glad that you are hanging around here still!

pout smart that you avoided telling that this is 'the cycle' is certainly makes the pressure a bit less. I told my family but only after the fact (round one) and that I 'might' do another at 'some point'. I have distance on my side too though.

Ello. I like it that we are in all various states of diffedness and trying. It feels cosy to be together. I have unlaced the door of the tent as the sun shone today and I did loads of gardening which felt nice. I am feeling better both in my head and body but do think there is something going in when I keep thinking I have GF back. Maybe it is a post viral thing but I want my thyroid and bloods looking at again as it feels like something is 'off'. I have definitely emerged into a new phase of sad with ttc, in a resigned droopy fashion. Dr on weds.

It feels like there is a lot going on for us all right now and I've built an extension on the tent but it is pretty nice in here with comfy seating areas and various beverages and cakes.

sarlat I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Post operative cycles are so tough when af comes. I know I hoped I'd be 'mended' and when I met you last summer with my second af post op I felt totally bereft. Something I know is hard is the time we have ttc, with one year feeling scary, two years horrid, three years I imagine feeling like its moving further on but you know there are countless stories of people who conceive after various numbers of years, it doesn't mean it isn't going to happen. And when it does, you won't care how long it took. Your stew sounds delicious! I hope your friends were tactful and I know what a drain it is to feel like the pitied one. I loathe that. I'm not sure people really DO think like that though. I have friends that took 4 years to get there while I wasn't trying. I had no idea what that would be like and as such I really thought they'd stopped trying and were just having a nice time being them! Does that make sense? I think if you haven't gone through it, you haven't any concept of how hard it is really. I certainly didn't pity them. I just presumed they'd have a baby eventually.

pout oh ffs. How unlucky that MrP has the devils disease and that you have hurt your leg. The universe is taking the piss! I think you are amazingly brave for injecting, I can't even read the bits where you write about it! Be very proud of yourself. How are the legs and boys bits?

Posting not to lose post...back in bit.

euro I get the self denial totally. Had I got diffed straight away no doubt I'd have been telling everyone and blahing it all over Facebook. I now think that some people I know won't even realise I've been pregnant til they see I have a baby! I won't be able to say the p word, should it ever happen, for a long time. I am glad your boobs are growing I probably won't get to say that to many people in a lifetime.

doll how you feeling? Still rough? Bt this is good right? Presumably some ivf goes on to be identical twins no?

madness I made my first item of clothing today! How you doing?

joycep you are still in my thoughts. I can't remember when you said you were next at the clinic but I am hoping with everything that all will come good. You are so kind to have thought of me when you are going through so much.

lemon I've shuffled up and have made drizzle cake just for you. I'm sorry you've had your hopes dashed.

Big wave to everyone else. I need to go now. Sorry not to name check everyone but loves to all. Please can it be sunny Sunday all over again, I'm not liking the weather for the week ahead..

lemon that sucks about AFs arrival.
Gin If your cystitis is recurring, it?s possible that your original never left if it keeps coming back. If the cause of infection is Escherichia coli, this strain can live inside your cells where it can hide from antiobiotic treatment. It is usually a pain to get rid of. Good luck with it, cystitis is terribly uncomfortable.
Rabbit can I hide in your tent? The next few weeks at work are going to be complete shite. I hope the doctor can help you feel better.
Hello to everyone else. I can?t name check because I am typing on a phone and it is slow going.

sar I really identify with what you've written. I feel like I have been hiding. It is very much a self preservation thing. I'm able to do it quite successfully because I live in a different country to my family and many of my friends. It makes me sad to think of the things I've missed out on in the last couple of years. I don't go back to the UK as much as I should because I want to avoid having to see relatives and facing the awkward questions. We've turned down wedding and christening invitations, we were invited on holiday with some friends but didn't go because two of them were pregnant. I feel more distant from close friends and family than at any point in my life before and I really hope that if I do ever get pregnant and have a baby that I'm able to rebuild some of the relationships I've put on hold. Anyway, I want you to know you're not alone in feeling the way you do. It has only been a short time since your op, be kind to yourself.

pout well done on the injections. I'm dreading this part of it. Do they actually hurt or is it just the thought of doing it that makes it hard? I'm glad your leg is a little better, how is mrpout doing?

euro do you have a scan coming up? At what point do you get discharged from the clinic? Has mreuro made an appointment to see the urologist? Do you think mild male factor might have been the issue all along? That might explain why ivf worked. Do the clinic offer any follow up, or explanations as to diagnosis? Or are they just happy it's worked? I understand what you mean about using the "p" word. It's not a word in my vocabulary at the moment.

joy I've been thinking about you over the weekend. xx

lemon sorry about af. Hopes being dashed is the worst.

rabbits I hate to see you feeling down in the dumps. Spring is round the corner and things always seem better then. I saw my first snow drops yesterday and that cheered me a bit.

mrsd I have a scan on Thursday next week, when I would be 6 weeks, so apparently they should be able to see a heartbeat if all is going well! I'm astounded that happens so early. No wonder I am a bit knackered at the moment, if I am growing an extra heart! I think after that scan we are discharged by the clinic and then go into the NHS system, like a "normal".

Mr Euro hasn't made his urologist appointment yet and I was nagging reminding him this morning. Hopefully he will soon. I don't think we will ever get an explanation, and I must say I do wonder what was going on. Perhaps it was mild male factor, or, as I think "Art" said, perhaps IVF was really a sledghammer to crack a nut and it was something as simple as the PH balance of my CM or some other "Minor" thing that was just stopping it happening. That doesn't explain the two odd ?chem preg? cycles I had though.

I found that most of the time the injections didn't hurt and occasionally they did a bit, but that the pain was no more than the various daily pains we suffer - paper cuts, dropping something on your toe, etc. When you think of it like that, I think it makes it easier. Or at least it did for me, because those sorts of things you tend to brush off and not give a second thought. It definitely hurts less than a blood test as the needles are very fine.

Gin and pout I hope you are feeling better.

rabbit I hope you feel able to emerge from the tent soon.

Hello,
how are those under the weather doing? gin are you still suffering? pout and MrP?
Yes rabbit, IVF does result in id twins at slightly higher rates than 'normal' for reasons that aer largely unknown, there are some suggestions that AH can make a split more likely although not all doctors would confirm this. Anyway one is still much the most likely option thankfully I feel terrible but the cold has taken over as the thing I'm struggling most with. In someways this is going to be more like a second pregnancy for me than a first one, given that I already have a child and the needs of the one that's already here still come first had another look for the off button yesterday - no joy Ken is going to Cairo for 5 days tomorrow
Thanks for asking after me too sar I'm very sorry to hear your sadness.
rabbit I loved your 'It feels cosy to be together'
euro yes I can have as many scans as I want here in the land of private meds given that I'm paying for them all The monitoring of the IVF was certainly lite but I've had alot of p'ed friends here and know that standard monitoring is alot. I choose to book a scan for 6+4 just to give a little more chance of seeing a heartbeat though my Dr also said I could come at 6+0.
joy I'm thinking of you.

My friend has id twins from a FET. They are gorgeous (but such a handful). With my low HCG levels and lack of symptoms, I am pretty confident I have a max of one in there! I'm sorry you are feeling rubbish doll. What a bad time for Ken to be travelling. Your comment about the off button made me laugh. My clinic said to book for 6+1, but I am worried that will still be too early as I reckon I implanted late as my HCG levels were so low. Not seeing a hearbeat would cause a major panic, I think.

Euro Will you find it weird to be discharged into the system and be "normal" do you think? I know that might seem a strange question but I personally think that I have become so "comfortable" with the barren/odd label that to be just another preggo might be weird! I want to be special (and pregnant obviously) forever dammit!

doll you made me laugh about looking for the off switch for Little Doll

sweetgrouch sorry you are in the tent. Hope that you emerge soon!

rabbit I'm glad that a spot of gardening lifted your spirits a bit...can't say that it ever lifts mine! Me, dirt and insects don't mix.
Good luck with your doctors appointment. I wonder too if I had been an instadiff how sensitive I would have been [ashamed face] I guess I had just never thought about infertility before now. That said, it doesn't excuse some of the insensitive comments from people who know.

joy I'm thinking of you. When is your next appointment?

mrsd Like you I am quite isolated and have largely made myself that way. Even before TTC me and MrP were quite reliant on eachother and of course losing contact with friends wasn't helped by our moving around the country a fair bit. MrP's family live hundreds of miles away too so all in all I only really see my sister and even then it's not very regular. While this kind of suits me now and my perceived need to withdraw I do sometimes get the fear that if we are ever blessed with a child I will have little help.

Please don't worry about the injections hurting. When the needle goes in, for me, it's more of a sensation than a feeling/pain IYSWIM. When the needle comes out sometimes there is a very slight sting but generally it feels more like an itchy sensation. It is so fleeting though and as Euro said it is nothing when you compare it to all the general little knocks and grazes we get on a daily basis.

MrP has kind of plateaued in his getting better which is a bit worrying. He has another two days of antibiotics and I hope that he will suddenly improve. I am really hoping that he doesn't take a nosedive because I think that really would bugger the IVF up. Anyway, we will see.

oh the plateau must be worrying pout although those sudden improvements with antibs do happen all the time. Indeed raising a child with little help, it's a bugger, but counting my blessing with a hands on partner helps alot with that.

euro I didn't mean to worry you regarding the six week scan. I guess if they say 6+1 is fine then it must be in the majority of cases otherwise they would be repeating all the time.

You didn't doll - I am plenty good at worrying myself! From the minute I got the HCG result I have been a mix of happy and petrified because it was positive but very low.

pout i hope the antibiotics do manage to kick it. Are you feeling better today after your strange pull yesterday?

It will be v odd if I ever get to join the "normals". In a moment of stupidity bravado, I joined the October antenatal thread last week and whenever I look in there, loads of people are talking about booking in with the midwife and looking at prams and cute baby clothes. That all seems like it is labelled "off limits" to me.

joy thinking of you and hoping all is well. x

euro my perspective is that the hcg number is a comparative exercise for it to hold alot of meaning (and even then it doesn't tell you the whole story). I don't think you should read much into just one number. I know, easier said than done. Likewise symptoms, they tell you more about how your individual body reacts to hormone changes than the levels of the hormones themselves. Plenty of time for prams

Hi all

Just a quick catch-up before I get down to some emails... been working with the public all day which feels kinda like getting kicked repeatedly in the head, even when people are nice... guess being a reclusive home worker most of the time I'm not used to constant noise and activity.

Euro I had a scan at 6+0 which I also thought was too early but nevertheless there was a heartbeat... otherwise it just looked like a random blob but seeing the little hb flickering was pretty amazing. No harm in booking the scan for a few days later though, just to be sure.

I stay away from the August preg thread because I just don't have anything in common with the conversations on there. As you say, it's all prams and baby clothes and excitement right from the start and i still don't feel part of that 'gang'. The grads thread however is a place of peace and understanding, do join us there, it's quiet but you'll see some familiar faces. I'm in the 'normal' NHS system now and it does feel weird - mainly the lack of monitoring after I have had so much intervention over the past year. I'm in a kind of twilight zone at the moment where I don't have a bump (just look fatter) and can't feel kicking or anything yet but it's a 5 week wait to the next scan. I keep imagining the baby might just have stopped growing and I wouldn't know . I have however been told that because i had IVF I need to be referred to an obstetric consultant because of unspecified increased risks of something or other. Nobody mentioned that before the cycle started! I'll be interested to see if you get told the same thing.

Pout I was told to do the stabbing a bit differently from the other ladies. I was told to grab a handful pinch of flab flesh in my left hand, then push the needle in all the way with my right, then let go of the flab piece of flesh and use my left hand to push the plunger of the needle in while still holding it with my right. Then wait a couple of seconds before pulling the needle out again. I still got drops of buserelin appearing on my skin. I guess that because we've been told different ways of doing it, that it doesn't actually matter as long as you get the stuff in you somehow . Mrsden I found sometimes the injections stung a bit, sometimes they were fine. Oddly they stung more on the left side of my stomach than on my right. I was a lopsided junkie. Pout I do hope Mr P recovers soon, hopefully he will be fine for your IVF. The sperm take 3 months to develop so a few weeks of antibs shouldn't make a difference and nor probably did the 2 months of abstaining from booze that I forced Mr A to stick to, but I'm not admitting that to him now.

rabbit thanks for saying it feels cosy to be together. I feel that way too. Glad the garden in the sunshine made you feel a bit better. Def worth getting the glandular fever situation checked out, that really is the pits.

I'd better go deal with these emails . Waves to everyone, cakes and or to the tent dwellers x

art I just googled and apparently it is standard for IVF folks to be referred for consultant-led care. They can f--- right off. I have had enough of being seen as a special case. Grrrr. The interesting thing is, from my bit of googling, there seems to be no consensus on why and IVF pregnancy is high risk. Some people have been told it is because of the drugs, others because IVF babies tend to be bigger, but most seem to have been given no reason at all. Many seem to have been signed off by the consultant after the first appointment. Others have been banned from MLU births. I had been contemplating an independent midwife anyway, and that might push me over the edge.

Who was it who said "hell is other people"?

I was told I'd get a higher level of care if I do get pregnant by ivf too. So it seems it's standard across countries. I asked why and was told it was because of increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities, so I think I'd be offered an amnio regardless of nuchal results and get more scans. I think ivf pregnancies are probably more risky because of multiples and also age of the mother must be a factor. it doesnt make much sense. Ante natal care here is by doctors anyway so I don't think it would make a huge difference to me, and never having been through a "normal" pregnancy I won't know any different. My fertility clinic does ante natal too so id have the same dr until 36 weeks and then get transferred to the care of the clinic I choose to give birth in. Which could be the place o had the lap. This is all a long way off for me so no point worrying about it yet.

It sort of explains it here, although It's dumbed down ivf

I wonder how much is due to maternal age? That's interesting about preterm birth. I heard today someone I haven't seen in a long time had her baby 6 weeks early. The comments on fb suggest she had been waiting a long time to finally get her baby so I wonder if she had ivf.

Evening ladies. Interesting chat about how IVF-pregnancies are cared for, being speshul and scared. Thinking of you all. Am totally shattered so not staying to chat much.

Oh sar I sort of felt diffed, got a positive O-stick two days before AF arrival, which has been particularly horrific this month. Painful and clotty. It's like this for me now and again (about once or twice a year) so now I am thinking maybe those times were chemicals.

Waves and good luck to the stabbers (keeping hold of the flab and letting go, I've done both in the SO cycles; will probably joing you again tomorrow!)

Evening all.

I tried to do a long name checking post yesterday and lost it. This is becoming a habit with me was in a miserable mood so just gave up and went to bed....

Wanted to say sar I hope that things are looking brighter today. It's so hard when your hopes are raised and dashed. Sorry you felt the same lemon. I wasreallyhoping for some post op diffage but the drugs have put paid to that idea.

rabbit well done for making some clothing! I have only done quilts but am tempted to make myself a nice bag. I have some patterns but need to find some good fabric. Perhaps a wander round John Lewis this weekend . Have bought some of this fabric for my next quilt. Maybe I'll save it for when I have a munchkin of my own to sew for. I refuse to make things to keep until there is an actual baby, but perhaps stockpiling fabric isn't too creepy?? I knew a girl who had bought her kids' beds before she even had a boyfriend .

pout I agree that it will feel weird not to have so. Many appointments and monitoring. I have trouble believing that anything about this process will ever be "normal".

Glad to see your updates art. I agree with the others. It would be awfully sad if you ladies didn't stick around to give us hope. Otherwise it could be lonely for those of us who take a while to make it to the grads thread.

I haven't mentioned loads of you but big waves to all and I will try to catch up some more tomorrow.