Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Angel - so sorry my lovely. What a rollercoaster! Wish the dips would go away permanently for all of us, but I guess that ain't gonna happen. Hope you feel a bit better for ranting. Big hugs.

Rainbox - glad all went well in the end. As everyone else has said you have been so brave. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Not feeling too bad at the moment. Did some baking today for the first time since I was a teenager!!! Tried some chocolate cupcakes which didn't turn out too bad. I start exercising again next week. Gonna do streetdance on tues, ballet on weds, and dog agility on thurs. I'd better take it easy in all of them so I don't end up injuring myself as haven't exercised for quite a few months. Was really looking forward to them until today when I tried to decide what to where to them. Gonna look like a right unfit chuffer but hey.....gotta start somewhere.

Big hugs to everyone. xxx

Have to come on for another rant: firstly I m off work for 2 weeks now so rung my mum earlier. I started saying as its my sil's scan today no doubt everything would be fine & I d rather not know as can t cope at the moment & let them just get on with it. My mum's reply " oh don t be horrible your brother is lovely" me " yes , but so am I & I 'd didn t deserve this bad luck" her : " we'll you ve had you re fun travelling all those years & if you'd have been doing all this 10 years ago you wouldn t be going through this!!!" Incidentally she didn r want my brother to have bad luck or suffer a mc ,like I have & as a side line my brither's had a charmed life. Last year spent 10 months travelling the world on a sabbatical!!!!
FFS ......
Then I recieved a text from my brother along the lines of " baby measuring 13+3 , wriggling around. All fine. So happy" I find that highly insensitive & tactless. Have n t replied as will put something highly inflammable to him.
Excuse me but fing families!!!
Bas*s I m so fuming.
Thanks all for being my sounding board & love xxxx

Angel... Grrrrrr. How can they be so insensitive? I sometimes think that if bad things happen a few times then (some) people stop thinking it matters anymore, like it doesn't hurt, or we are 'used' to it, or have 'brought it on' by daring to keep trying. How dare they?
I somehow expected more of your brother, he sounded better than that. Is it worth telling him you are struggling? (I know he shouldn't need told)?
Anyway, I'll stop ranting along side you... Please spoil yourself a bit, really nice chocolate and some wine, whatever you want on TV and get Ant to give you a really long head massage, until his fingers ache (I'm still a little bit cross with him). How are you doing physically? Do you have painkillers and hot water bottle in incase it happens on its own? Take care love! X

LITTLE, your cakes sound yummy! V impressed (though slightly exhausted thinking about) your exercise plans for the week ahead. Well done you!

RAINBOX.. I hope your feeling a little more steady, both physically and in yourself. You are being put through it, but every day is a day further and a day you don't have to do again on the road to your baby. You are doing an amazing job. X

Thank you all so much for your warm welcome. Although no one wants to be on this thread, it is a comfort to know others understand.

Isla was a honeymoon baby - we got married last March- and my pregnancy was pretty straightforward. The usual morning sickness, back pain etc but nothing to worry about really. I had a growth scan at 32 weeks and a breach scan at 36 weeks (she wasn't breach) and the day before it all happened, I had my 38 week scan and heard her heartbeat perfectly as all the previous times. The MW spoke about booking in for a sweep on 2 January (Isla was due on Christmas Day) and all was fine. The following day I went about my day as usual. She was never very active in the morning so it wasn't until mid afternoon that I noticed I hadn't felt her moving, I tried having a rest and drinking cold water like they suggested but nothing happened so we went to the hospital but they couldn't find a heartbeat. Then the world stopped as we tried to come to terms with it. We decided to go home and come back on the Saturday (it was Thursday night when we found out) to be induced. My labour was quite straightforward really and although I thought I'd never be able to get through it, we managed with my mum's support and the labour wasn't too bad pain wise. I was so pleased in the end that I gave birth to her naturally, one final thing I could do really. She was born at 11.10pm on 15th December. We were convinced that she was going to be a boy so were really surprised when the MW said she was a girl! She was so beautiful with lovely long fingers and legs. She looked so peaceful and I am so grateful we got to spend time with her, and my mum, dad, and mother in law all got to see her and hold her too which was special. We still don't know what happened to our angel but we are due to meet the consultant about her PM results on 28th.

And now I can't quite believe this is my life. Sometimes I wonder if this really happened, if I was actually pregnant or have I imagined everything? It just seems so strange that you can be 9 months pregnant and then not be pregnant any more but not have a baby to hold either.

I have had some ok days recently, but then this weekend I felt bereft like the early days all over again. I guess it is to be expected.

Thank you so much for reading, and sorry for such a long post. I think you are all so incredibly brave, what you have been through and trying again. I hope someday soon I will gain your strength to try for a rainbow.

I hope you are all ok and today has been gentle on you all. Sending lots of hope and wishes to all of you but especially those carrying Rainbows and waiting for BFPs xxx

ps Angel have just read your post - I am sorry that you are having to deal with such insensitivity from family, I cannot believe they have said/done that! I sometimes think we would be better off without mobile phones - I think people just send off text messages without giving a second thought to how they might be hurting people.

snowdrop thankyou for sharing Isla's story, it brought tears to my eyes. My daughter Ophelia was stillborn on 27th April 2011, she had a true knot in her cord. I went into labour thinking all was ok but when the midwife checked for a heartbeat there wasn't one. I thought she was a boy too.
Isla sounds beautiful.
The grief train hits you often in the first few months, but as time goes by it becomes less of a shock and more something you just carry with you.

angel booooooooooooooooo to your mum for saying such things! Unbeleiveable, I hope she truly regrets it.

Snowdrop xxxx Isla is a lovely name. My first dd was stillborn at 41 weeks due to E. coli on 10/10/10; Georgie. I still miss her every day , even 2.5 years on & think of her all the time. It's so hard & certainly I think, if I ve survived loosing Georgie I ll survive anything now. Hope you ve got good RL support . I did & found counselling helped me ( I got it through my work) we are a supportive , empathetic bunch here for hand holding or general ranting xxxxx
Green ; thanks xxx hope u re ok? Are you re boys on half term?xx yes , I think you re right. My brother is , generally, very caring ( apart from when he gets his head stuck up his arse!!!) I ve spoke to my sister & she's recieved the same ; a group text!!!
I m going on what my bro usually says when I text him & he doesn t respond " oh I didn t realise it required an response!!" I m digested with him. As for my mum I won t be contacting her she ll have to make the effort now.
Fan ; thanks xxx hope u re feeling better? It's disgusting . Talk about being kicked when you re down...
Sorry all for hijacking the thread .hope everyone's ok? Having a better time than I am at the moment!!! Off to lunch with a friend tomorrow ; that ll help xxxx

Evening all

SNOWDROP: So very sorry to meet you here I read your story with a heavy heart..........I just wish there was a way to stop this happening to so many people. Your little girl sounds gorgeous, Isla is a lovely name. My baby boy Adam was stillborn last July at 38+4 just 5 days before my planned c-section. I attended hospital after reduced movement/change of pattern but he was already gone when we got there. As the other ladies have said it does get easier gradually but it never goes away. I am lucky enough to be blessed with Adams 2 older siblings but I am desperate for a rainbow baby and hope we will be lucky enough to conceive again one day soon.

Oweinsmum: Also very sorry to meet you here and for your loss xxxx

Angel: Feel like slapping your family grrrrr they have made me angry tonight. Your deserve to have your baby the same as anyone else. Big hugs sorry they are being so insensitive towards you xxxxxxx

Sending lots of love and good vibes to Green, Fan, Little, Blizy, Mias, Rainbox Elly, Kliene and anyone else I've missed xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you for sharing Isla with us snowdrops.

As the others have said, it is so so hard, particularly in the first few months. It does get slightly less intense generally, but there are still bad days and better days - someone onec told me that the grief is like having a really big, jagged sharp stone inside you - it is agony to begin with, but over time the edges soften and smooth - the stone is still there and always will be, but the initial rawness fades slightly.

angel, I feel so angry for you at the moment - I can't get over just how unsympathetic people can be sometimes, particularly people who you really should be able to count on for support xxx I'm glad Ant is looking after you - he'll feel all our wrath if he starts playing up again so tell him to watch out xx

little I'm pleased that you are managing to do things, your exercise plans sound good, but way too energetic for me!! I could help eat the cakes, that's about all I'm up to at the moment.

How are the rest of you doing? I hope you are all ok.

It was my birthday yesterday, so had a lovely afternoon out - lunch with my Mum, DSis & Uncle (the one with lung cancer - he has just started chemo after the radiotherapy in Jan), then went out for a bit with DH and then last night went for a meal with DH and his DBro & GF - it was really lovely, thoroughly enjoyed it, but am absolutely shattered today!! Was in bed by 10pm too!!!

Thinking of you all, as always xxx

Snowdrop, thank you for sharing Isla with us,she sounds just perfect. I have a similar story to yours, I went for monitoring because of reduced movements on 26th feb 2011 but my dd, Zoe, was already gone. My labour was induced and I gave birth on 28th feb 2011 at 41 weeks to my sleeping angel. I am so sorry that Isla can't be with you. X

Angel, my lovely, so so sorry to read about your mc and the way your family are treating you is crap. I hope you ar doing ok? X

Rainbox, how are you after the op? I have been thinking about you and dexter today x

Massive waves to everyone of you fantastic ladies. X

As the others have said, thank you snowdrop for telling us about your beautiful daughter. I do love hearing about everyone's babies, though it's so sad to hear your story... I'm so sorry she's not with you now. It's the worst thing in the world.
A few months ago, I wrote the same sentence as you: 'I can't quite believe this is my life'. I remember it all so well - the physical, overwhelming, utterly shattering grief. Sadly, you are right, that having terrible days (when you feel exactly as you did in the beginning) are to be expected. I'm glad that you do know that, though - it would be even more terrifying, if you didn't, wouldn't it?
For me, eight months on, I DO mostly believe that this is my life, and it is easier to live it now. Not easy! But easier. We'll be here to help you through xx

angel I am so furious with your family. And just gutted for you, that they're not supporting you. Argh!!! I'm so sorry. How are you feeling - physically, emotionally, mentally? And how are you and Ant doing? This is a lot to deal with anyway, but obviously you guys are having a tough time at the moment as well. I really feel for you. Wish I lived nearby and could come and chat and listen and look after you. Lots of love xxx

little well done on the baking and all the exercising plans and for doing all that you can to keep going and stay positive. You're truly doing wonderfully. I think of you so often xx

blizy I've been thinking of you with Zoe's birthday coming up next week. I will, of course, be thinking of her, my birthday-twin, on the day - and of you and your DH too. I hope you're 'managing', just getting through these days, until it's passed and you can think about what to do about ADs, and everything else. Huge hugs to you xxxxx

Also a delayed happy birthday elly! You deserved a great day... hope you feel a little less tired soon. It's very exhausting, growing a little person, isn't it?! And how are you doing, anxiety-wise - and are the hospital helping you deal with it all? I hope so, so very much xx

I'm not going to write much more just now, but big waves to mias, green, fan, and esp to babyh - it's lovely to see you back, my dear.
Also waves to everyone else and rainbox, I hope you're recovering.

Early night for me. I shall go and read my book and enjoy having my big bed to myself - DH has been away for work for a couple of days again. (But v much looking forward to having him home again. If for no other reason than that the house is so QUIET without him. I mean, it's much too quiet anyway, but when it's just me... it's more noticeable. Luckily he's on his way home already and will be back in the middle of the night!)
Sleep well everyone xx

Kleine thanks a million xxx I , too, wish you lived near me for some RL support however everyone's support on here means the world. I m shattered , feel sick , having nightmares & disturbed sleep. Wish this week was over & done with .i ve not heard from my mum which suits me at the moment . As with regards to my brother I won t hear from him I quite often go weeks without any contact. This whole situation has bought Ant & I closer together so every cloud I guess.... What are you reading? Know what you mean love having our bed to myself but sleep better when Ant's here. Thanks xxxx
Blitzy ...thanks xxx as I say just keeping my head down . Had a lovely lunch out with a friend today . Just what I needed. Thinking of Zoe' s impending birthday. Are you doing anything for it? Xxx
Elly a belated happy birthday. Glad you had a lovely day. I m like you at the moment ; knackered & wanting to sleep loads. I suppose , it's the emotional stress. Hope all is well with you? Thanks xxx
Thanks again for all you re support & offers of " face slapping" xxxx
Hi & love to all; Miasmum, Fan,BabyH, Little( hope you re ok?), Blue, spilt & anyone I ve missed :Green xxxxcx
Once again ; you ve all proven yourselves to be of great support xxxx

Sorry, just ranting. DH´s van was broken into last night and some of his gardening tools stolen which cost him about £300. They broke one of the side windows which is costing £150 to replace. He won't be able to work tomorrow whilst van gets fixed so more money lost. A massive kick while we're already down, bleurgh!

Sorry to be self-absorbed, will catch up with you all tomorrow. Hope you're all ok, xxx

Oh little that is crap! You not being self absorbed, thats what we are here for.
I hope karma bites the burglars in the arse!

Kleine, thank,you my lovely. Hope dh came home last night. Mines is working away this week too.

Angel, on Zoe's birthday we are going to the crem with balloons and a card, I will make a butterfly cake and dh and I will crack open a bottle of bubbly. We done the same last year too. So will make it a new tradition.

Little what a pile of croc. Hope you re van is fixed ASAP. Lets hope whatever they re injecting with the money is a dirty drug & does great harm. I feel like you we seem to have runs of bad luck then nothing then a run again. Life is so unfair at times . Pls take care xxxx
Blizty ; that's nice. We seem to have created a running tradition for Georgie's birthday too. We visit her special place leave some flowers then have a meal out . Has to be done xxx
Morning all xxx

Hello everyone. I'm gently creeping back on after what feels like a very long absence. I've still been watching the thread, but I've been finding this pregnancy emotionally devastating and haven't really been up to posting... Sorry.

So sad to see new faces on here. I hope you find the support and strength through these wonderful ladies like I did. And so sad to read about your news little. Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

I'm now 31+3 and I think I'm starting to see the light at the end of what feels like a very long tunnel. Due to start weekly scans and monitoring with my gynaecologist on Tuesday (26 Feb). If everything goes OK I'll be booked in for induction at 38 weeks - so around the start of April. DH and I are still finding it hard to actually think about DS3 being here, but are trying to do little things like sell the old furniture that's in the room he'll hopefully be sleeping in. I hope the weekly monitoring will put my mind at rest - I've had some awaful days recently where I don't think I've felt the baby move. Thank goodness I have my own office, as I often end up lying on the floor for 10-15 minutes just to try and feel him kick...

Anyway, I just wanted to pop on and say that while I'm not really posting on here at the moment I think about you all lots, and hope that we all end up with the happy endings we deserve.

Thanks blizy and Angel. Feeling slightly less annoyed today. Van all fixed now.
Body is aching (in a good way) from dance lessons. Really enjoyed them though. So glad I decided to do them instead of joining gym again. Don't think I'll be able to keep up with the dogs tomorrow at agility though. Oh well, at least I should be fit again soon!

Amy - nice to hear from you. Sorry you have been struggling with this pregnancy but so glad you are nearly there. Hopefully you'll be holding your little rainbow soon.

Kleine - hope your DH got back ok.

Snowdrop - lovely to hear about your angel. Just wish she was still here (along with all our little ones).

Big hugs to you all. Xxx

Hi everyone.. V quick post before I go out..
I have Endocrinology appt, followed by Ob consultant (same one as with Merryn), followed by 12 week scan followed by bloods in diff dept., followed by community midW for second part of booking appt. today. This is going to take from 9.30- 3pm. I am not sure why it all landed on the same day, but I'm going to be a wreck by the end! Today is not a day for denial of being pregnant!

I had another horrible dream last night. I hadn't dreamed about Merryn at all before this pregnancy, but I suppose it's not surprising. I just wish I could have nice dreams about her, that'd be lovely!

Anyway, I just needed to spill my nerves... When I get back I'll read through what I've missed and catch up.

green thinking of you, what a busy day. Just take it hour by hour, you will soon be home.

I'm hating my body! Was supposed to come on yesterday but so far nothing, I fucking hate this, I know I'm not pg but when your late you have creeping doubts. Which make your life hell!

Fan xxxx sorry xxx
I , too are hating this week just want tomorrow to have my scan to confirm mc then I ve got pre-screening & to book in for op next week. This week has been so long , I ve had nightmares...waiting to be told " yes, another mc" ....
Green; busy but at least nice pg stuff . Hopefully , alls going the right way.
As for us leaning towards giving up ttc after this accepting I can t do it anymore or do it indeed!!! Sick of my body failing me , the mental trauma, physical hardship to put my body through this... So sick of the emotional rollercoaster.
Booking a holiday for sept; bugger it & if by any chance I make it past 8 weeks pg I ll just go & sod it. Sick of living my life with restrictions again. Don t mind if its for a good outcome however, if it all goes belly up 4 weeks later what's the point???
Sorry , for me rant ; just pissed off & for you Fan xxxxx

angel I'm so sorry your family are being so insensitive, it makes you wonder what people are thinking!

snowdrop so sorry you are here and for the loss of your lovely Isla

little sorry to hear about the van being broken into, glad you are enjoying the dance lessons though.

green hope your day goes well

Amy nice to hear from you, it's hard isn't it. I didn't let myself believe everything would be ok until they handed me ds4. I did worry during the pg that I'd have problems bonding as I was so detached but everything was fine.

fan big hugs for you xx

Well Joseph is nearly 3 weeks old now! Still can't really believe he's here. I've had a bit of trouble with my scar opening up but it's all healed now luckily! Ds3 is full of cold and not feeling very well so I'm shattered.

He was a little off with me in the hospital I think because he was unhappy with me leaving him. He is always kissing "mine baby" and helping me wind him, patting his head (a little too hard) etc. We've had a mad month of birthdays here with ds4 arriving on the 1st, ds1 was 18 on the 9th and ds2 was 10 on the 16 th and ds3 will be 2 in a few weeks

Hi all. Difficult times all round, it seems... sending so, so, SO much love to fan, angel, green, little, amy, blizy and absolutely anyone else who needs it.

fan bringing my own anger issues to the table, perhaps, but I'm just SO fed up and cross on your behalf. ARGH! Wondering if you're pg, when you know you're not, but you're still wondering... oh it's so destructive and just bloody awful. I'm so sorry xx

green thinking of you on your epic day at the hospital. It sounds completely exhausting, in every way. At least you can say you're being well monitored! Hope the scan is wonderful and that the little wriggler behaves well... Sorry about your bad dream

angel hope your nightmares soon pass, too. What time is your scan tomorrow? Thinking of you xx

I'm pleased your DH's van is fixed little, but HOW frustrating. Being kicked when you're down is so tough to take. Glad that the exercising helped! Makes me wonder if I should start exercising again... I walk a bit, but that's about it, these days.

amy sorry to hear you're struggling so much - I hope weekly monitoring helps a little bit. You're right, there's light at the end of your tunnel, and I'm sure it's got a rainbow in it, in a just a few weeks' time

DH safely home the other night, and we are ok. After some discussion we're probably going to start IVF quite soon, in order to do one cycle before June (E's birthday, when we'd rather not be going through any extra stress). It's a big decision, but our chances of conceiving naturally are really quite small, and although the m/c in November gave us hope, of course, it doesn't increase those chances. And we just want to do everything we can do, to try to have our second baby; even if the first cycle is unsuccessful or has to be abandoned, at least we'll have tried, and then we can re-evaluate after June and think about subsequent cycles.
So... we shall see. Our doctor is away this week but we'll discuss our final questions with him next week, and then make a final decision. We're pretty unlikely to tell anyone in RL - we want to minimise the stress, and don't want lots of people knowing exactly what stage of the treatment we're at, etc. Last time we did this, lots of people knew, which wasn't ideal really! But I shall keep you lot updated
Waves to all and, again, just sending my love to those of us who are really struggling xx

moomins wonderful to hear from you!! I am all teary thinking about your DS3 helping with Joseph...
Sorry to hear you had problems with the scar but v glad to know it's ok now. I hope that you have some support to help with the other boys while you're still healing and J is so little? Sending loads of love (and the hope that you manage to catch up on a tiny bit of sleep) xxx

Moomins glad j is doing well and you re basically ok? Love to you all.
Kleine ... Big decision here's big FX for June & success on first cycle xxx
My scan is 09:45 , then pre-screening. Just want it all done & sorted quickly . Picking Phebs up from nursery at lunch time then seeing a friend in the pm. Not brill as Ant away with work tomorrow night but hoping to see him at lunch time.
Still not heard from my mum or bro so this could go long term!!!!
On a plus; increased my loan so when money comes through booking a holiday & some trips to get my mo-Jo back... On the subject of ttc??? Who the hell knows???????
Love to all xxx
Hoping for better times for us so very soon xxxx I think we ve all had enough now . Let the crap hit someone else now pls??? Xxxxx

angel I'll be thinking of you tomorrow morning. Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. Booking a holiday sounds like a excellent plan (wish we could go away - but we need the money for the fertility treatment, of course!! Having said that we've been offered money towards a holiday for my birthday, so maybe we'll say yes...). xxxxxxxxxxxx

Angel, I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope your and bro sort themselves out and give you the support you need. X

Kleine, take the money and go on holiday, you reall deserve it.x

Fan, just hugs for you.

I've had a crap day, feeling very panicky and anxious. I was finding it very hard to cope with work, I had the two littles ones and all the schoolies today. I hate feeling like this. Sorry for the me, me, me posting.