Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Star its a very sad page to look at, I cant go there without ending up in floods of tears

Little your woollyhug thing sounds lovely, especially if it was a gift from special people. Try and imagine its their arms hugging you when you wrap yourself in it

Google I hope someone at the website can help you, sorry, not very arty either

AFM Last night DH met up a good friend of his who is a doctor. We still hadnt explained all the details of Alex's death to him, so he told him everything and also showed him all the test results etc. In his friends opinion, there is crystal clear evidence that there was medical negligence. Although we suspected it, its still a shock to hear it confirmed. We have an appointment with a lawyer who specializes in this type of case for Monday.

BUT...its knocked me right back, I have had another complete meltdown. I just cannot bear the thought that due to someone just not bothering to do their job properly we dont have our little girl here with us today. SEVEN long years of treatments, losses, heartbreaks...and then finally 3 weeks before Alex is due she is snatched away from us. Time has run out for me...and the thought of facing a childless future is just unbearable. I feel like just telling the universe/god/whoever "ok you've won, I surrender" Really feel like I cant go on anymore, I dont want to live without a child :( :(

Sorry for the me post

missalex I'm so sorry, my heart goes out to you. I think if anyone can have a 'me' post it's you right now :(
I wish I could give you a hug. It really does seem so unfair.
How is your dh since last night?
Be kind to yourself, and keep posting on here if it helps get you through today xx

Oh missalexandra, what a very, very difficult thing for you to live with. I cannot imagine. It is difficult enough to go through all this without the added anger of feeling maybe someone could have done more.

We are all hear to listen. We all have some understanding at least.

I don't want to overstep here, but regarding your comments about time having run out... If that is the decision that you and your DH have made, or think you are making, I would strongly suggest you get some support to help you both with this. There IS life without children, many, many, many people for all sorts of reasons don't have children of their own. What I really want for DH and I, and indeed all of us is to live not exist. We've been dealt a sh** hand here. But two fingers to the universe/god/whoever, cos you are not getting the better of me and my DH. Or any of us on here.

Please bear in mind that you do not have to make these difficult decisions overnight. Take care of yourself, please.

Google, I think your are about 10 weeks now since you lost Eddy? Regarding time scales for work, hopefully you are still getting reasonable maternity pay? I went back to work 3 months after my baby was born, but I started out just visiting work (a school) to start with and seeing colleagues, then doing the odd meeting and 'helping' in classrooms etc. I needed to get back, to feel like I was doing something. I know a lot of my colleagues thought it was too soon, but it was right for me. What I did find is that I had lost my confidence a bit, and this was a bit of a shock. If money isn't an issue you could try maybe part-time (sometimes you end up worse off than maternity), or i think star said she did some work from home to start with. I would strongly not advise you to change jobs tbh, you have enough to cope with at the moment. Also you have the consideration of what you may be like when you are ttc/expecting again. How well will your current job support you? Would they be more understanding than a new place of work? This is only my opinion of course! DH changed jobs soon after we lost our daughter for a variety of reasons, and did find it very difficult to start off with.

star hope you are feeling a little brighter now. Little thinking of you too.

Hi to others, hope rainbows are all ok in whatever stage.

Ladies, I will read back in a mo and reply properly, but I just needed to get something off my chest. A girl. Work v closely with sent me an email today (I've been working from home today) to tell me she is pg. She told me how hard she has found the last few weeks dealing with tiredness and sickness (obviously I know this but I'm hardly the appropriate audience for the sort of complaint) AND she went on to say that now she is pg she "understands what I went through". It just floored me, I cried for an hour. I know it might seem like an overreaction, but when I'm onlu just holding it together most of the time anyway it doesn't take much to tip me over the edge. I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope with seeing her at work every day for the next 6 months, it will be torture. I eventually replied to her email saying congratulations etc and I'm sure she didn't mean to be insensitive but....... And then I gave her a small snapshot of what life is like for me at the moment. I can only hope she tones it down at work, I know she has every right to be excited etc but how could she display such a lack of sensitivity??? It is astonishing. I still feel quite fragile about the whole things and also bloody crap because I was just coming out of the other side of my difficult couple of days at the beginning of the week. AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH. Right, sorry, got it off my chest. I'll read back and reply properly now x

Miss sending you an enormous hug, you are not alone. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling, "angry" just won't cover it. I'm glad you have an appointment with a lawyer and hope you like whoever will be taking care of this for you, I would have thought it is important for the lawyer to know just how special Alex is to you. The possibility of facing a childless future is devastating, but like Owl says, these decisions do not need to be made overnight. I think the idea of support and talking to someone is really good. I totally get the feeling of not wanting to live without your child, I feel the same. My DH is more positive than I am and says that we must live our lives because our little boy can't live his. On my better days I agree with him. Please do keep coming on here, we are here to support you.

Google sorry, I didn't mean to worry you, generally I am SO much better than I was and yes I still have low days but they are not as bad as before and they pass much more quickly. I went back to work after 4.5 months (it might have been sooner but Christmas was at the end of month 4 so I just didn't see the point in going back before). I started with phased back work and then some home working, which I still do now. I find work hard, but then I never liked my job before I was pg so it's hardly going to be better now! I do like the fact that I have something to fill my time so it serves a purpose. Like Owl I had lost all my confidence which came as a bit of a shock but that has now returned and I feel like I am capable of doing my job. I understand the feeling that you want to do something completely different, I feel the same, but I second Owls advice of don't rush and if you do have another baby it might be easier to stay where you are?

Owl hope you are doing ok, you have given brilliant advice above! AF arrived for me-can put at least some of my low patch down to hormones - so that is month 7. On the plus side accupuncture seems to have really helped my cycle, I am now back to 28 days which I used to have before pg instead of my ridiculously short 25/26 days post birth. Trying to see the positives!

Sorry for typos, I'm typing quickly on the iPad! Love to all and another huge enormous hug to Miss, we are here whenever you need us x

star curses on the AF. I'm currently on the wait now..... Never did seem to get the CB monitor to work this time. Ov did somthing wrong there.

About the work colleague it is sooo hard. My friend at work is expecting in July. Luckily for me it's her third baby, so she's been fairly quiet about it, but I still have days when i find it hard and have to leave the room. I'm guessing this is your colleague's first baby from her comments. It's going to be really hard, as she will be so excited, remember how we felt in the innocent days? I think acknowledging this is the first step. Try and speak to a few other good colleagues so they can try to tone down the 'oooh is a girl or a boy' inane chat when you are there. But I do feel for you. They do care, but not everyone is always massively tactful, are they? It probably took her a long time to think of what to say to you, remember she will be terrified too. Some friends of ours have been horrendous about their pregnancy, annouced it on twitter on xmas eve, totally failed to say anything at all about our baby when we saw the husband (he just talked about them), didn't even bother to tell us when it was born, just a tweet of a picture. Needless to say we didn't bother to send a card! But tbh i think they were scared and didn't know what to say.

Hugs to you. I'm always so jealous of people getting pg (not on here tho, on here it's always good). I'm worse with the pg than with the babies tbh.

I know she will be excited (yes first baby) and that she has every right to be. I would have found the pg announcement hard but the bit that really got to me was the "I understand what you went through" she has absolutely no idea. It was that comment that made me reply to her, I think if she had just sent me an email to say "I wanted to let you know before you heard from someone else...." I could have just been sad and jealous on my own and then moved on and got on with my day.

I remember you saying about the twitter announcement, that must have been so hard, but a Xmas eve pg announcemnt-gosh. have you "unfollowed"? It is hurtful when others don't consider how you might be feeling. Obvs they have no idea, but it often seems like you haven't even been part of their thought process.

You are right about pg announcements on here though, they are v v good.

Oh and Google I forgot to say, I think it is wonderful that you are your mums Rainbow and it is good that she understands why you want to have another baby.

I've just been out for a walk with DH, got things off my chest and we will be focussing on us. REALLY looking forward to our little break now, lots of fresh air and country walks, will hopefully do us the world of good. I find nature quite soothing for the soul x

I know what you mean about the thought process. Bah. Good luck with it all, enjoy your break xx

Google Thanks for the hug, I so needed one today. DH is furious and wants someone to accept responsibilty for what happened, but he somehow has the ability to "switch off" (think most males have it) and just stop thinking about stuff, even stuff so painful. And when I start crying and want to talk he just gets cross with me and says I'm being negative by going over the past. I know he is hurting terribly too, but he can focus on other things at the same time whereas I just cant get my brain onto another track. I love the idea of you being your mum's rainbow, that is so touching. Did you get a reply from the photographer?

Owlinatree thanks for your lovely message, its so nice to feel there are people who are really listening...and that doesnt seem to happen much once the first few weeks are over. Re: us making a decision. The problem for us is that we have been messed around for the past 7 years...for years they simply insisted it was a problem with my age, and only just over a year ago our latest clinic insisted DH have a biopsy and some serious genetic testing, and bingo - the problem was there. All those years I have had "dud" embryos put back in yet made to feel it was all my fault as I was "so old". So we dont have much of a decision to make really, while I was losing all those pregnancies my child-bearing years were rushing past. So its not so much our decision as Mother Nature saying enough's enough :(

Star Thanks for the big hugs. The lawyer we are going to use is one recommended by a couple who also lost their baby, apparently she is a great lawyer but at the same time a lovely person. She sounds it over the phone so fingers crossed. Not looking forward to Monday and having to tell it all in detail though :( In our case we really do have to make a decision (and very soon) if we are going to have one last try. DH wants to, but I am just so terrified...firstly of not getting pregnant and then the same happening again if I do (like all of us). Your work colleague has been sooo insensitive! I'm not sure now if people were just as insensitive before, or whether I am more sensitive now. But I too am tired of trying not to hurt people's feeling when they dont seem to offer me the same consideration. Good for you on giving her an idea of the hell you are living, maybe she will think twice in the future.

I'm feeling a bit calmer now, after the initial rage. But that doesnt change my perspective. And when I think back to those nurses telling me "not to fuss " and that "if you think about bad things they will happen to you" and "nobody can see you today, it'll be tomorrow" when I was repeatedly complaining about lack of movement (and this is while I was on the hospital ward with a chest infection) ...I feel I could go mad with anger and frustration. I really, really dont think I want to grow old with no children. Its different for DH as he has a grown daughter from his first marriage, but for me it would be the end of my world. Like Owl says, I dont want to simply exist...

Thanks again for all your kind words, sending you all a big hug too

little you are very welcome, a woollyhug is the least we could do, and I hope its warmth and love help you through.

For all of you who dont know what a woollyhug is, its a mumsnet term for a blanket made by several people, each person makes a square of 6 inches in any pattern, its usually knitted or crocheted. They are then sewn together.
It all started a few years ago, when the mumsnet community decided to make a blanket for a mumsnetter who had lost a loved one, usually a child or a husband and had asked for support from the boards.
If your ever in chat or arts and crafts, you will see threads started by the woollyhug team Pistey and Knotty, they also have a woollyhug wesite www.woollyhugs.com/, I am someone who contributes to the woollyhugs, we also make angel blankets for babies who have died, and little hugs for children who are in hosptail, and weve just started making billies blankets for children sick with cancer around the world. Please have a look.

Im so sorry people are having a hard time, some people can be so insensitive, but often they do not know what to say to us.

Lemon hows that bump of yours? Only a couple of weeks to go? Are you all ready, whats the birth paln if you dont mind me asking.

Hi, I am doing OK. Had a bit of a tough week. They tried inducing me on the 6th when I was 38 weeks. So 5 days in hospital with lots of prostin did not work. They were going to break my waters but then he decided to disengage (to be fair he was not fully engaged but they could feel his head when they were doing the stretch and sweeps and exams), and they said if they continued that I would likely need an emergency section under general anaesthetic. So have had regular CTGs, but head still not engaged. Am now 39+ weeks, and am not keen on going post dates. I have an appointment with the consultant on Monday and am guessing that they will now offer me an elective c-section. I am not sure, if they let you go post due date with our history, does anyone know?

Fan how are you and the little bump doing? I have missed quite a few days of the thread. Are you going to find out if it is a boy or a girl? You must be almost 20 weeks now.

little my thoughts are with you this difficult weekend. Hope you are getting lots of love and support. Am thinking of you and your 2 angel girls.

miss Hope monday goes OK. With regards to trying again I know it is hard, but if you do not try will you in a couple of years regret it? It is really hard and I sort of denied this pregnancy in the beginning, because I was so sure it was going to fail. This board does offer a lot of support and there have been others in your position of needing help to become pregnant and know both the pain of fertility treatments and a rainbow baby. Would you consider other ways to complete your family if you do not feel able to go through IVF again.

star people can be so insensitive. Until someone has been through a labour to deliver a dead child they have no idea or loses a child soon after birth. I suspect she was trying to tell you she was pregnant so that you had warning but it came out wrong. That is me trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.

google hope you are doing OK. I agree I also had lost a lot of confidence when I returned to work. I went back on a phased return. My GP gave me a fit note which started me back on half days and I think it was the right way for me to go back. She also arranged it that I went back on a thursday so had 2 days then a break. I found it hard facing all of my colleagues and them not knowing what to say. Take it easy and do not rush back too soon.

Hope that everyone else is doing OK. Thinking of kleine and rainbox not heard from the recently hope all is going OK for you.

lemon I had my 20 week scan last week and also my first consultant appointment. The scan went well, the sonographer was really nice explained everything she was looking for which was really helpful. The consultant was amazing, he said that Ophelia died of something that wasnt something that they would expect to happen again, it was very rare. But he understands that I will be under alot of anxiety as the pregnancy progresses, so Im booked in for my first reasurrance scan at 29 weeks, done by the consultant, and then I will see him another two or three times after this. He also said that c-section is only allowed if its life or death because of my fibroids and their tendancy to bleed when cut. So Im to have a natural birth, he said we can make a decision closer to due date as to if I want to be induced, also he would be happy to induce at 37 weeks.
Im pretty happy with what he said.
Lemon that sounds pretty tough, so the induction didnt work? How are you feeling about it all? Do you want a c-section? Im not sure if they will let us go over, I think they would unless our angels died of something that was made worse by being over due.

lemon are you trying other ways to get labour going? Ive heard reflexology, and acupuncture are supposed to be very good

Hi, The induction did not work. In my case they never found a reason for the loss. So I guess it makes it hard. The PM came back with everything normal, same for the genetic, blood, swab and placenta. It is like his heart just stopped beating. I have found it hard partly because I was 37+6 when they were inducing. At the start of this pregnancy I wanted a c section. But then decided I wanted to try and deliver naturally. Partly because the town I live in has not much going on in, but approx 30 min each way by car there are lots of baby groups. I just did not want to be isolated. I am trying all of the natural remedies including taking raspberry leaf tea and have looked up the reflexology sites. I can not find one that specialises in labour locally. I know that the most important thing is for this one to arrive safe, it is just the disappointment of not meeting him and not getting anything like I expected. Does that make sense?

Hi Miss just checking in to say that I will be thinking of you tomorrow and your meeting with the lawyer.

Also thinking of everybody's DHs today on Father's Day x

Lemon, sorry to hear that the induction didn't work. Keeping everything crossed that little one decides to make an appearance soon x

Lemon hope things are moving along and everything is going ok. What did the consultant say? Dont worry if you have to have a c-section, its really not all that bad, just a bit sore for a while after but your beautiful little mini rainbow will make you forget all about it! I think you're right that a couple of years down the road I would probably regret not having one last try, but I feel so weak and fragile now. But then the other option is unbearable. We had to come home from the beach again yesterday as there were so many toddlers and it just floors me, I cant function :(

Fanjo sounds like you are lucky with your consultant, its so much better when they explain everything to you. Hope youre feeling ok.

Star thanks for checking in on me. How did your weekend away go? Were you able to chill a bit and relax? Did nature sooth your soul? We just got back from the lawyers, she is really lovely and has a lot of experience with this type of case. Just from what we told her today she says its undeniable that there was negligence, but that we wont have a clearer idea of whether its worth going ahead with the case until we have all the info. So the next step is for her to legally demand all my medical history from the pregnancy and my time in hospital and take it from there. It seems they have fobbed me off with a few bits and bobs up to now, probably hoping I would just go away and forget about whats happened.

Of course none of this will bring Alex back, and it could take years and cost us a lot of money. But just the thought that the same thing might be happening right now to another woman in my same position makes me determined to go as far as we can. She says that most of the cases she handles are close to public holidays like Xmas...it seems that doctors and nurses are so preocupied with other things they forget to do their jobs properly :(

Hugs to all xx

Hi Miss I'm so glad the lawyer was nice, I imagine that makes a world of difference. It is truly shocking that there is more negligence (in fact negligence at all) around holidays, as you know too well it is quite literally a matter of life and death. I think you are so brave for persuing this, like you say, if it can prevent the heartbreak for one other person.

My weekend was ok, but DH felt very low and sad yesterday on Father's Day (I did a too). I was also v sad that none of his family bothered to get in touch to say they were thinking of him, but they are like that.

Off to Wales on Weds-hooray! Can't actually believe I've said that, the "old" me would be horrified......

Thanks lemon, the weekend wasn't too bad. Although found out one of DHs friends is 19 weeks pregnant when were out for his birthday on Saturday night. Managed to handle it really well but got a bit upset yesterday. Just wish we were able to ttc again but know we have to be patient until been seen by notts hospital. Will chase Dr again tomorrow to see if they've sent the referral letter yet.
Sorry the inducement didn't work. Hope little one doesn't keep you waiting too much longer.

Miss - glad lawyer is understanding. You're right to follow it through to try to ensure no-one else has to suffer just because nhs can't be bothered to do their job properly. Wish I had your bravery!

star - hope you have a nice break away in Wales.

Hello to everyone, hope you are all ok, x

Just a quick check in to see if your ok lemon any sign? I'm sure your sick of that question. I really hope your little rainbow is in your arms if not I'm sure it will be very soon.

Mine has just kicked me several times!

No there is no sign. They want to restart induction again next week.

just popping in...
my angel's 2nd birthday today and just want to thank you ladies who've been on here with me from back then for all the support through the years. Happy birthday darling Sterre! Love, like starlight, never dies! x

Oh lemon I really hope your little one makes an appearance before that happens.

blue been thinking of you all day, and your little Sterre.

Blue, thinking of you and Sterre today. I hope the day has been gentle for you. Xx

Lemon, you must be getting really fed up, but you are soooooo close.... I'll keep an ear in here to hear how things go. All the best. Xxxx

Sorry I've not been around much, I think of you all often, but I'm drifting through the weeks a bit. 30 weeks today. Feels like forever to go still!

I wanted to update, as many of you have supported me, to say that DH and I were lucky indeed and we did 'catch' in the month of May when I last posted!! :) We had a scan on Monday which showed 'one live fetus'. I couldn't help crying whilst the sonographer completed the scan after I'd heard the words 'live' and 'heartbeat' (the most recent previous pregnancy didn't make it this far). We hope hope hope with everything we have that this pregnancy is successful and that we finally will be able to hold a live rainbow baby of ours in our arms at the end. Hugs to everyone xxxxx